A/N: this one shot is for my friend Jo, who asked me to write a story about Reid. I seriously tried but I am not sure I actually got somewhere. Anyway reviews and suggestions are welcome!
Just a bit
Sometime he wondered if his ability to empathize and connect with certain kinds of psychopaths better than other profilers was due to his high IQ or to the history of mental illness in his family. He couldn't deny that once the thrill and the relief of being successfully able to do his job and accomplish his task were worn out, he would be overwhelmed by worry. When the barrel would flood? When would he trespass that thin boundary between empathy and pure psychosis?
Noticing him staring at the chess board without doing any move Prentiss left Morgan's side to slid on the seat across from him and stayed silent for a while watching the orange and violet hues of the sky out of the window. The dawn was softly intruding into the cabin of the jet, where the rest of the team was quiet asleep, each one crouched in their dreams, each one dealing with their personal nightmares.
"He told me it's just a question of time before I become like him" Reid suddenly blurted out his torment, cautiously surveying Emily's reaction to his words.
She turned to look at him "Reid, you are not seriously considering the words of a psychopath who dressed up as a giant blackbird and called himself The Crow. Are you?"
Reid chuckled at Emily's description of the unsub they just caught; she was right indeed, they had spent the last two days hunting down a psychopath who probably had seen too many times 'The Crow' and 'Batman Begins' and had developed his own sick concept of dark hero-vigilante, taking it to the extreme. Still this wasn't the point, but what he feared most was so hard to voice that he automatically slid into his field of confidence and replied "Did you know that crows are remarkably intelligent creatures? Scientists proved they can count the number of paces between two consecutive holes left by sower machines in the cornfields and once they covered the exact distance they search for the seeds to eat. Other birds for example are not so smart, at every pace they search for food picking the ground with their beaks…. "
"Well, to me this guy looked more like a chicken than a crow, Dr. Reid" she tried to play along, knowing exactly what he was trying to say but not wanting to force him to admit it.
"He told me I would turn into a psychopath like him…" he repeated nervously rubbing his hands.
"Yeah, he also told you 'shake your body, sprout your feathers'…" she added rolling her eyes and trying to get rid of the image of that chubby, middle aged half naked man, standing on a snowy roof in the freezing New York winter, with a poker in his hand, a black mask with a yellow beak over his head and a tiny black mantel covered with black feathers, nothing else to cover his not exactly sculpted body, nothing. That was a gross vision…
Reid couldn't help laughing at Emily's disgusted and almost suffering face while recalling that afternoon's events.
Then she turned serious and leaned toward him "Spencer, promise me something" Reid was taken aback by the sudden shift of mood "If one day you decide to turn into some kind of costume freak at least use underwear, I don't think I could take another Full Monty style show" she carried on with a grave expression. She finally broke a smile when Reid nodded, chuckling at her joke.
He was grateful for her support and even though his dark thoughts were still lingering in his mind he felt a bit relieved.
But she wasn't finished yet "Do you know why I am so sure that freak was wrong when he said you were going to become like him?" she added.
Reid raised an eyebrow in a questioning look, not sure if to expect another joke.
"Because you have got something he didn't have, a family. We are not letting anything bad happen to you and whatever is the source of your concern, you just have to call and we'll be there, no matter how scary it seems. Do you understand me?"
Reid looked at his colleague recalling the bumpy beginning of their friendship and still incredulous at what great friend she had turned into, sometimes even baffled at how close their ways of thinking were.
"I know, and I appreciate that Emily…" he hesitated whether to dive into the core of the problem or to dodge it again with some erudite dissertation.
"But?" she offered her complete unbiased eyes, that glance she had when she was listening to someone and not even a cannonade could draw her full attention from her interlocutor.
"But I'm afraid nobody, not even you, could save me from myself.." he shyly admitted checking her reaction, what he could see in her eyes was just support and understanding, not mockery nor any attempt to dissuade him, so he went on "my family history speaks clear, and if you look into the list of people who over the centuries have been defined as geniuses you won't miss the clear correlation between bright intellect and mental condition. Everything comes to a price…"
"Reid, look around" she interrupted him with a soft but determined tone "If what you say it true and our fate is predetermined exclusively by our genes and our family history this means that everybody in this plane is a clock bomb, doomed to become a killer or an abuser or a ruthless mercenary. You're right, there are the genes and the learned patterns and then there are the burdens we carry around; some of them are a legacy that we haven't chosen or agreed upon and we can't get rid of them easily, some others are millstones that we were willing to take. We cannot chose the experiences that carve and shape us, but we can chose how to react to them, if to be overwhelmed or turn them into powerful lessons and occasions to grow. We can choose to become angry lone fighters or to rely on a friend's shoulder to share the load for a while. And here you've got a lot of shoulders to count on."
"Thank you" he voiced with an uncertain smile, feeling already a bit stronger. His fears were still lingering on him and always would, but knowing that he was not the only one haunted by personal ghosts and that, though in silence, his family was constantly looking after him had worked to relieve that weight from his shoulder, just a bit, just for a while, but that was exactly what he needed.
"Thank you for what?" Morgan's voice emerged raucous and sleepy from the seat on the other side of the aisle, while stretching his arms behind his neck.
Prentiss chuckled noticing how his grin was appealing even just after sleep, "Thank you for offering us breakfast, Morgan. That's so kind of you" she mocked him.
"That's unfair. You can't take advantage of a poor man in his sleep" he complained childishly causing the three of them to laugh. Then after landing when Reid left his seat Derek exchanged a knowing look with Prentiss "You were great in talking him out of his dark mood"
She raised an eyebrow "I guess the poor sleeping man wasn't so sleepy after all" she commented nudging him.
"I guess not" he grinned, then looking at Reid "how's he?"
"A bit shaken, but he'll be fine. We'll make sure he is" she reassured him.
Morgan nodded in a smile and the two profilers joined the rest of the team, Reid already calling Garcia and summoning her for a breakfast together, Morgan's treat, he added looking at his colleague with an amused smile of accomplishment.
It was funny how the definition of happiness could be condensed in few simple elements for a genial mind able to grasp the most articulated and complicated patterns, with an eidetic memory, and the ability to notice hidden details otherwise lost. Doctor Reid could easily enjoy a one day long chess match in the park, entertain himself in devouring a piles of books in the privacy of his studio apartment, or devote his day off to a ten hours long marathon of Russian movies in a deserted cinema. But the true realization of happiness for him responded to few genuine and utterly simple occasions such as whispering poems to his mom during his visits while she would listen staring at him smiling and delighted with the love only a mother can carry and fully understand, or sharing breakfast with his team and family while Morgan was mocking Emily, Garcia was bantering him swinging between the nerdy and the flirty register faithfully backed up by JJ, their smile getting more malicious anytime they would manage to set him off a bit until Reid would uselessly protest and try to gain the upper hand with some complicated scientific theory, and Hotch and Rossi would enjoy the scene giggling amazed.
Just like that quiet chilly morning in DC, when the winter was almost over and the fragrance of the incoming spring was dancing in the fresh morning air, when all their burdens dissolved as snow under the sun, just a bit, just for a while, but that was exactly what they all needed.
END