Moblins are Trolls

In Hyrule, there was one creature, above all others, that was grotesquely malformed and hideous. It's face scared off children, it's grunts made the wisest of men cringe, and it's battle cry- a snarl as it charges at you with its battle spear- made baby puppies drown themselves. There was one word used commonly to describe these moblins: Trolls.

Because of all the myths surrounding these ugly creatures, no one ever dared enter their domain, the deepest sections of the Lost Woods, where they diligently guarded the Forest Temple's entrance from anyone who thought to intrude. For well over seven years, not a single person neared the area. But, of course, there was always that one person who was either courageous enough to try, or stupid enough to not see the danger. This person was a bit of both.

This person, a Hylian garbed in the green tunic often donned by the Kokiri, breathed deeply as he entered the deeper forest. Part of him was relieved that he had made it this far. When you walk through a place called 'The Lost Woods', no matter how many times you've done so before, there was always an apprehension. What if he got lost? Then he'd become a stalfos! A damn good looking stalfos, though, he thought to himself, smirking as he grabbed the hilt of the sword strapped to his back. He unsheathed the sword, and took out his shield, inspecting it for a moment. He was pretty sure that a shield this puny would be useless against these creatures, but he didn't want to take any chances.

The area was maze like, with walls of thick, moss covered stone, twice as tall as he was. If he could get on top of the wall, he might be able to see where the moblins were, but his hookshot was still too short.

"Thing is useless," the seventeen year old boy muttered.

From under his hat, a small bulb of light appeared. His fairy guardian, Navi (short for Navigating Nuisance, the boy often said). All that was visible from the light emanating from the fairy was a pair of translucent wings. "Hey! Hey!" the fairy called out to gain Link's attention. Why she didn't just fly in front of him or knock on his shoulder, he didn't know. She was just annoying this way. "Link, be careful. Trolls are extremely powerful. Their magic lulz power is extremely formidable!"

"I know that," Link grumbled, almost fulfilling his dream of swatting his fairy companion with his sword. "And I know they charge at you with their spear, too, so no need of telling me that." The fairy merely crossed her arms- though, being that was not visible, it's almost pointless to mention- and flew back inside his hat.

Link walked towards an intersection of the wall. A troll could be patrolling this hallway, and he hoped one did. He was eager to test his skills on such a mighty beast. But, as he peeked out into the hall of stone, he saw nothing but more moss covered stone. He walked into the hallway, disappointed that there had not been a troll, here.

"NUUUUUUU!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1111" A scream pierced Link's head. His face contorted and he put his hands over his head, looking behind him, where the scream had come from. Behind him was the ugliest, most disgusting thing he had ever seen. It's face was a mixture of a bulldog and a pig, with a bad under-bite , and tusk-like fangs. It stood on two feet, but seemed to hunch over, as if it normally ran on all fours. It's two beady eyes seared with anger as it looked at the trespasser.

"Th-that's a troll?" Link asked unexpectedly. He knew trolls were ugly, but this was a bit much. "It's skin looks like barfed up leather!"

The troll seemed upset by Link's words, and raised the spear it carried in both arms, charging at him while yelling, "U R A MEENY FAHCE! U DYE KNOW!"

Link raised his sword and shield, but felt weakened by the troll's language skills. The extra exclamation points were like daggers being buried into his gut, and the capital letters all screamed into his ears like a child giving a tantrum.

As the moblin neared, he pointed his sword forward, and waited for the right time to strike, ignoring the the pain in his gut and head. Once he was in the right position, he dodged left of the spear, and struck into the troll's stomach. Link expected blood to pour of the wound, but what he saw... he just couldn't believe it. The thick, dark- almost black- substance began to form a word. A single word:

LAWLZ!

He grimaced at the sight of the ooze. The troll howled in pain, and grabbed the blade still imbedded in it's stomach. Link pulled on the hilt, hoping to get the sword from the monster. In a mere few moments, more black ooze began to drip onto the ground from the monster's hands.

"Y DIHD U DUE THAT?/?/?/?/?" As the troll spoke, Link noticed spittle hitting his face, and quickly shielded himself with his sword troll seemed taken aback by this, and only roared, before it screamed, "NO U HAFF BAD BRETH!"

The troll swiped with its uninjured claw, managing to hit Link's side. If it weren't for the thin chain mail armor underneath his tunic, he probably would have suffered several severe injuries. Instead, he only suffered mildly, until he realized the force of the beast's attack flew him into the rock wall.

"Link, I think I heard a crack!" Navi yelled, muffled under his hat, "I think you broke a rib! Oh... and stop making all that racket! I'm trying to have some beauty sleep." Link would've inwardly mocked the idea of Navi being beautiful, had it not been for the intense physical pain he was in. He felt his body go hot for a second, and then it died down... and then another short heat flash... and then it died again. That was what normally happened when he got hurt. It would die down in a moment, and he wouldn't feel a thing.

He barely managed to stand up. He leaned against the wall and stared at the beast for a moment. It was looking at it's wound. Just staring at it, like a child who just walked in on his parents doing something nasty.

The heated feeling was gone. Link saw his chance. However, it wasn't until he was about to swing his sword that he realized... it had landed a couple of feet away when he was knocked against the wall. Crap, he cursed. He would have to use another weapon.

He reached into his physics-bending tunic, and grabbed his bow. Then, he took an arrow out, and readied a shot. The troll had no time to react, and was dead before it thudded on the ground, with more black ooze pouring out its thick skull. This time, the ooze began to spell another word:

PHAIL!

Link shuddered at the word, and inched away from it, nearing the Master Sword. As he picked it up, he reached, once more, into his tunic, this time bringing out a cloth. He always kept a cloth on his person to clean the bloodied mess of his enemies off his sword. However, when he brought the cloth to the sword, he noticed that his sword was entirely clean.

The ooze seems to come together, forming these words. Must be some kind of dark magic. Link didn't mind, though. It just made his job easier.

For just a moment, he looked back at the moblin, and grinned. He had come to this forest to kill a troll, and he had done so. Of course, Link knew he had to get to the Forest Temple and all that, but he considered that less important. He had to make sure he was strong before he took on something like a temple. He had never been inside the forest temple, before. Only outside it, when he was a child, and giant trolls didn't guard the forest with their word-forming blood.

"All in a day's work, eh?" Navi quipped from underneath his hat. "Now let's keep moving."

Link nodded, walking at a moderate pace through the maze. He had made his way through this place many times when he was a child, so it wasn't like he had no idea where he was going. He knew this maze like the back of his hand. Admittedly, he rarely saw the back of his hand, being he wore gloves all the time, but he didn't worry over that.

After walking for fifteen minutes, he began to realize he had not seen another troll. They were supposed to be guarding these parts from intruders, and yet there were none here to be found, save for that first one.

"They better not sneak up on me like that first one di-" Link began. But, with obvious irony working against him, he was interrupted by a loud 'NO U'. He cursed himself and turned around.

A troll was charging right for him with its spear. "Dindamnit!" Link yelled as dove to the right to avoid being stabbed to death. This troll was faster. Seemed taller, too. Likely older and stronger than the last one he fought. He had already devised a way to kill this thing. With his dive to the side, the troll had completely bypassed him, and was now looking left to right, confused. The poor, stupid creature wouldn't last very long, as Link's blade was driven into the back of it's skull.

Link felt a warm satisfaction as he took the blade away, and jumped back. The troll fell to the ground, more ooze came out of it's body, and it formed another word. Link didn't bother reading it; it was unimportant. Instead, he returned to finding the end of this maze, which he knew he was near.

Lo and behold, he found it in mere minutes. A long stair case. This was the entrance to the temple courtyard, where he and Saria often played as children. He could remember the joy of running around with Saria, and listening to her playing a jovial tune on her ocarina...

Link began to wonder what Saria thought of him not having her Ocarina, anymore. He couldn't carry two Ocarinas with him, after all. That wouldn't make any sense, at all. But he wasn't quite sure what happened to the other Ocarina. Perhaps Ganon had it? He was the King of Thieves, after all.

He ascended the stairs, and drew his blade. He saw a silhouette at the end of the long corridor of stone that separated him from the Temple. Another troll, he was sure. It was another hulking beast, but there was something different about him. He wasn't as hunched as the last trolls. His face appeared more or less human, excluding the fangs. It was carrying a different weapon than what the others had carried, too. Instead of a battlespear, it carried a large club. An even more primitive weapon. It surprised Link. If he was guarding the temple, itself, this troll had to be stronger than the others. It certainly seemed bigger, though it was hard to tell at the distane. So why did it not have some well-crafted weapon? Anything better than a big club. There wasn't even a spike in it, so it could be a little more devastating. Just a giant hunk of wood.

But Link didn't particularly mind this. In fact, it brought with it a certain challenge. A giant monster with a big chunk of wood versus a small Hylian with a sword... and an arsenal of weapons. He stepped nearer, but Navi poked out of his hat. "Link, remember what I said about the trolls' lulz power? Well... this one has probably got something up its sleeve!"

"What are you talking about?" Link retorted, "It's not even wearing a shirt. How could it have sleeves?" He was being facetious, but he was pretty sure that Navi would take what he said seriously.

He frowned as he got a little closer to the monster. He wasn't sure if it saw him yet, or not. The troll answered him, lifting his club up high. Link scoffed inwardly. He was all the way over there! How could something so far away hit him without a bow-?

Link knew the drill. As soon as he thought this, the moblin brought his club down to the ground. Link heard a high-pitched whining sound as a burst of sonic power flew down the hall, tearing up the ground as it neared Link. He barely had time to curse as he felt it closing in.

All he could hear as it neared was '', repeating itself over and over again, like a monotonous laughing noise. Was that coming from the attack? Was the attack laughing at him?

"What the he-" The attack finally connected- Link not having enough room to dodge it- and it forced him off his feet. He didn't feel any pain for the first few second, so it almost felt like he was flying. It was an enjoyable feeling. That is, until he felt the attack begin to cut through his body. Jut like those exclamation marks had done when he fought that first troll, but much worse.

He flew back a few feet, landing at the top of the stairs. He was glad the game's design didn't include the possibility of falling down the stairs. Link got back up, and grabbed he side of his head. He had a massive headache from that attack. This thing was a lot more formidable than he had given credit for.

"Told you," Navi sang- quite literally- as she got out from under his cap. "If you want to kill this thing, why don't you use something ranged. Y'know, bow and arrow?"

"Yeah, yeah, my bow and arrow," Link complained, taking out his bow. "I think I coulda figured that out, Navi." Navi flew up and down slowly, trying to simulate a slow head nod.

Link too an arrow from his quiver and readied it. The troll didn't seem to notice him, even though he had just attacked him. Perhaps they had short memories? It didn't matter, though. He was about to get this thing dead. He let the arrow fly, and it zipped quickly towards the moblin.

It didn't even pierce it's skin.

"What?" Link snapped. "Why didn't it affect him?"

"Try another weapon," Navi said, almost apathetically.

Link growled, but placated. He reached into his tunic, but realized that he had no other weapons of this range. "How am I supposed to hit him without getting close?"

"Your Hookshot, stupid, you Hookshot!"

Link took a second to react to that. His... hookshot? His hookshot... his... hookshot... hook... shot... hook... shot.

"My hookshot!" he yelled in disbelief. "That's the most useless item I have. I only have it to get into the temple! What good would it do, here?"

"Uh, hello, it has a point at the end. Trolls plus points equals dead trolls."

Link gave in, not wanting to bother arguing with the fairy. His hookshot never seemed like a useful weapon. He had tried using it on virtually every monster he came across, and just gave up trying. HE wasn't going to conserve on arrows with it! But... he had to try.

He took out the hookshot, and aimed for the troll. "Yeah... the chain definitely isn't long eough," he muttered. He had to get closer.

He inched forward, slowly, waiting until he was just close enough to hit, but still out of the troll's weak eyesight. However, the troll seemed to have caught him (how he did so, Link could only guess; the troll hadn't seen his far, before). The troll raised its club and swung violently at the ground. Link knew what was coming, and quickly fired the hookshot. The lulz wave and the hookshot intercepted each other, but the hookshot was unaffected by the attack, and moved on, hitting the troll, mid-chest.

Link suddenly felt himself being pulled from the ground. It wasn't the lulz wave. It was his hookshot.

He was jerked off the ground, as the hookshot's chain retracted, bringing Link closer to the Troll, who Link could see was still standing, with the dire weapon stuck in its chest. He was brought passed the lulz wave, and was not within its reach long enough to feel much pain.

Then he suddenly stopped, as the hookshot ran out of chain, and Link collided with the troll. It tumbled backwards, landing hard on the ground, with Link on top of its heaving chest. Link glowed red- the collision plus the bit of the wave he did hit- but still managed to pull out his sword. He took it, and raised it, aiming to stab this formidable foe. He brought the blade down, and struck in its chest, where he presumed its heart would be.

"NUUUUUUUU!" The troll went. IT hadn't even spoken until now. "KNOW U WIL NEVR NO WARE THE TRESHUR IZ!"

Link stared blankly at the troll. 'Treshur'? He assumed it meant treasure. "What treasure?"

"TEH TRESHUR OFF IMAWEINER!"

Link cringed at its overuse of exclamations. Ignoring that, he inquired, "Imaweiner?"

The troll just laughed. And it only took Link ten seconds to get the joke, and to twist his sword several times in the troll's chest, causing immeasurable pain.

The troll snarled, but didn't fight it. Perhaps it had some sort of honor, and it thought fighting back in this position was weak? Link didn't know, but it made his job a whole lot easier.

"Bleh..." The final sound that came from the mouth of the troll. Link sighed heavily, and pulled his sword from its chest. No ooze. It surprised Link.

"Hey, Navi, why do you suppose it isn't gushing that ooze stuff?" Link asked.

"I... don't know. Maybe it was different?"

"Different, how?"

"I said I don't know."

Link just nodded a few times. "Get back in the hat." Navi did as Link commanded, and Link turned his attention ahead to the temple. "At least that was the last of the trolls." And so he headed towards the castle...

As Link slashed his way through the monsters inside the forest temple, a shadowy figure descended upon the inner forest. The figure skidded across the tops of the stone walls, until it reached the end of the maze. It ran up the staircase, and towards the troll, where it stopped.

"SU MEH PUPET FAHLED?" The figure said. "i WIL GETT U HERO OFF TIMME!"

Fin

Well, I'll admit, it wasn't quite as funny as I imagined it would be after the final cut, but I still think it was a bit humorous at parts. At least I think I got rid of some the rust I had during my last oneshot.