01: Kunai
Kunai feel very strange.
I never really thought about it, but they're completely ridiculous in construction. A long, overweight blade attached to a stupid looking pommel and -
As a person who had seen them but never held them, I could live in blissful ignorance as I watched seemingly gifted ninja slice and dice enemies on TV. But as a assassin-in-training who was actually expected to use the abomination that dared to call itself a weapon, I sighed in frustration every time the academy instructor handed me five, told me to aim at the targets, and "try my best."
I knew my best. I was raised as the daughter of two military parents, sister of an expert hunter, and granddaughter of a WWII veteran. I knew how to aim regardless of revolver, rifle, 9 mm, or submachine. I knew how to carve up a body to insure no survival within seconds and rope it up to dry. I knew how to make small bombs and remote-operated explosions if given the right tools.
I could probably kill every person in the academy building within two hours and get away with it scot-free. That was my best.
Of course, that was in another life, another time, and another world.
Which leads me to once again sigh as every kunai missed its target because I was stuck in a fictional world that obviously couldn't develop an efficient weapon to save its life.
Why, oh God why, do ninja use kunai as throwing weapons? It would be so much more useful if used as a gardening tool or wood carving knife or masonry building instrument or anything other than a way to kill someone. All those would be so much more effective a use, but nooooo.
The fact that this world seemingly universally accepts the notion of "Let's take this obviously made for domestic use tool and throw it at somebody!" baffles me and makes me worried for everyone's intelligence.
Evolution must have traded chakra for functional brain cells.
"Uta-chan, I'm sorry to say you get zero points for that."
Well I'm sorry to say you're going to die in the next village attack!
My name is Uta Sayuri, except it's not. I was born the daughter of a merchant and a housewife, except I wasn't. I joined the ninja academy to defend my village, except I didn't.
In all honesty, the only reason I'm going through this torture called "learning" was to hopefully one day become a main character.
Yeah, I'm selfish and manipulative, get used to it. You're probably not all sunshine and rainbows either, hypocrite.
It's not like I want to be friends with any of the other protagonists or anything (oh god, my brain would explode if I had to deal with all of their emotional baggage and friendship speeches). It's just that...Look, I'm in the Naruto world, see? And Naruto's an anime that's made quite a name for itself because people tend to die horrifically and before their time.
Who's spared from this awful fate, you ask? Why, the ever essential main characters, of course!
...
Okay, maybe not all of them, but still.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that whether people like it or not, Uta Sayuri is going to be a main character even if I have to take some poor sucker's place to do it. And now that I think about it, Naruto and Sasuke are both in the academy, but I haven't seen a head of pink hair in our class...
Score!
Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I mean - Oh no! Whatever happened to Sakura? I sure do hope she's okay and registers for classes soon so that she can still be a part of Team 7 -
Pah. Who am I kidding.
No hate to Sakura - that girl is smart, resourceful, and grows up to be a strong and respectable woman considering all the crap she has to go through just because she was put on a team with Mr. Avenger and Mr. Avenger's Best Friend slash Possible Pining Gay Stalker.
I may or may not have convinced her parents into letting her attend the academy two years early. You know, to learn stuff faster since she was already at a disadvantage being a civilian and all. It was enough to insure she wouldn't be placed on a team (especially with Mr. My Best Friend Died Because of a Rock but He Didn't and In the Future He'll be a Terrorist) that would only give her a harder life.
It would also give her a higher risk of dying because she might not be a main character anymore, but sacrifices must be made. And I must force people to make them.
Yes, I'm playing God. I'm playing the reckless, childish God.
How does it feel, you ask scathingly as you look in disgust at my immature life decisions.
Pretty good, I reply with a wide smile and tongue sticking out.
Hey, I never said I was a nice person. In fact, I'm probably that one person you never want to meet in your life.
Maybe that's why I was murdered and got reborn in a world that can probably kill me at any moment.
That is, if I hadn't completely screw over the reincarnation process and keep all my memories. How did I do that? The world may never know.
Oh? You want to know how I died, too?
Rude.
A big confusion Naruto fans often wonder about is how Naruto had failed the genin exam three times when he was the same age as everyone else. In all honesty, it's no big mystery, and if you've ever taken a high school AP exam, you know how it works.
Genin exams, much like chunin exams and jounin exams, don't have a set age or experience restriction. People can take it any time they want, so long as they think they're ready. That means people who have never even gone to the academy can become a genin - Naruto was an idiot and tried to pass it three times before he even turned seven.
It also explains why by my second year in the academy I decided to stop going and be home schooled.
Loop holes! Got to love them.
My parents were actually quite happy about it. Before, they were worried about me getting hurt while training or learning things inappropriate for children (truth is, I'm mentally over twenty-two and probably already know more dirty things than precious mommy and daddy ever will in their lifetime- thanks internet).
With me out of class, they stopped being concerned and fully embraced my "curious" and "brave" attitude towards "individual improvement." Hey, what can I say? Dad was a merchant who learned through trial and error to master his trade without any training - he loved me being adventurous and not following the system.
I swear, I could overthrow the Hokage and my dad would just cheer for me "sticking it to the man."
From that point on, my family actually decided to leave Konoha now that there wasn't really anything tying us down anymore. It wasn't hard; dad was a merchant and had been begging for his wife and daughter to join his travels years before I quit the academy.
We made stops all over the world, and I somehow managed to learn things from all over the world, too. It wasn't too hard; there are senseis for hire everywhere, willing to teach anybody techniques that would for sure help them in life instead of wasting time teaching other subjects the academy required me to take like math and science (all of which I probably knew more about than even the smartest people in the world, considering I'm in a sense from the future). Dad made more money, mom got an adventure, and guess what?
I never had to touch a kunai ever again.
A/N: Sayuri's not a good person. In fact, she's quite terrible - the type to kick you while you're down and pour acid down your pants if you don't get up fast enough. I essentially made her by combining every single one of my bad qualities, every single act I've wanted to do but couldn't find the nerve to, and every single insult I've wanted to say into a human form.
In this chapter, we explore how easy it is for Sayuri to abandon things that other people may think of as essential - for instance, her education. The way she saw it, if there was a more effective method of doing things, then she can stop what she's doing cold-turkey and pursue the other way. If kind of makes you wonder how she treats people in comparison.
Cultural Notes: I swear on my life, kunai were originally made for domestic use. My parents actually own them and use them as masonry tools - we use them to slather on concrete when building brick walls. It can be used in martial arts as a weapon, but you have to remember than almost all ninja weapons were originally farming tools that were adapted. Naruto (and the concept of ninjutsu in general) exaggerates its capabilities and makes it a common murder weapon, which I find hilarious.