Bandersnatched
The very air of Underland seemed heavy with menace and fear. No birds sang, no flowers chatted. A dead, heavy silence had fallen over the land, for an ancient and deadly evil had found its way past the Borders to Taint the world with its insidious presence. This evil was more dreaded than the terrible Jabberwock, and its name was only spoken in whispers, for fear that the Hideous Being should hear them and appear, speaking in a Tone that was capable of driving Men to Madness and Death. Only one had heard the Creature speak and lived, but was forever Insane. He had once been a gardener, but now he spent his days croaking bits of Nonsense Poems and praying others did not suffer his Fate, and hoping that the Evil would be contained to its own World. But that was not to be-for true Evil cannot be contained. But it was said that there was One Creature immune to the Evil influence-the Bandersnatch. But he had never been Needed in that capacity, and some prayed he never would.
It was a Dress-maker in Witzend that was to fall first. She was out in her garden, gently tending to the blue bells, when she noticed something very odd. There was a tiny person sitting on one of the blue bells, staring wide eyed at her. She looked closer, and her eyes widened in surprise. It was a small boy with wings! She was about to say something when the boy spoke first, in the most nauseatingly cute and baby-like voice she had ever heard.
"Ooo have such pwetty flowers, miss! I do so love pretty flowers, I does! Such pretty blue colors, an' I wiss I could have one miss! I'm Bwuno."
The Dress-maker stared at him, mouth working in a silent scream, and then keeled over in a dead faint, twitching slightly. Bruno stared at her in confusion. This place was so very different from Fairy-World, he thought. He had run away from the Warden and his long and boring lessons-but now he wished he had asked Sylvie to come with him. 'I miss Ooo, Sylvie.'
He flew off in search of more friends, unaware that the Alarm was being raised. The Mad Gardener had sensed his presence, and sent the Warning out to all of Underland.
"He thought he saw an Elephant,
That practiced on a fife:
He looked again, and found it was
A letter from his wife.
'At length I realize,' he said,
The bitterness of Life!'
He thought he saw a Buffalo
Upon the chimney-piece:
He looked again, and found it was
His Sister's Husband's Niece.
'Unless you leave this house,' he said,
"I'll send for the Police!'
He thought he saw a Rattlesnake
That questioned him in Greek:
He looked again, and found it was
The Middle of Next Week.
'The one thing I regret,' he said,
'Is that it cannot speak!'
He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk
Descending from the bus:
He looked again, and found it was
A Hippopotamus.
'If this should stay to dine,' he said,
'There won't be much for us!'
He thought he saw a Kangaroo
That worked a coffee-mill:
He looked again, and found it was
A Vegetable-Pill.
'Were I to swallow this,' he said,
'I should be very ill!'
He thought he saw a Coach-and-Four
That stood beside his bed:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bear without a Head.
'Poor thing,' he said, 'poor silly thing!
It's waiting to be fed!'
He thought he saw an Albatross
That fluttered round the lamp:
He looked again, and found it was
A Penny-Postage Stamp.
'You'd best be getting home,' he said:
'The nights are very damp!'
He thought he saw a Garden-Door
That opened with a key:
He looked again, and found it was
A Double Rule of Three:
'And all its mystery,' he said,
'Is clear as day to me!'
He thought he saw a Argument
That proved he was the Pope:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bar of Mottled Soap.
'A fact so dread,' he faintly said,
'Extinguishes all hope!'"
In his pen at Marmoreal, the Bandersnatch heard the Poem enter his mind and shook himself, recognizing the Warning. Evil had come to Underland, and he was the only Creature that could stop it. He nudged the pen open and set off in the direction the Song had come from, knowing instinctively that the Being was close by. It wasn't long before he spotted the Monster flitting about, humming quietly to itself. The Bandersnatch stared at it, noting with a shudder that the Ancient Tales did not do it justice. It was Wrong-and the Bandersnatch knew it must be destroyed for the Good of Underland, and he waited eagerly as the Creature approached him.
Bruno stared in astonishment at the strange animal before him. "Ooo are you? A doggy? I've met the King of Dogs, 'oo know. He was such a smart animal, he was! Me an' Sylvie 'ad great fun wif him."
The Bandersnatch winced, glad he was Immune to the thing's cloyingly sweet voice, and gave him the most innocent look he could muster. Bruno fell for the ruse, and flitted closer, reaching out with his hand to pat the Bandersnatch on the nose. As soon as he was in reach, the Bandersnatch struck.
His claw raked open Bruno's arm, and he screamed in surprise and pain as green blood flowed. The Bandersnatch struck once more, and Bruno wailed as both arms were clawed open. He fell onto the dusty path, whimpering in fear, and tried to run. The Bandersnatch stepped forward before he had gotten two feet and snatched him up, biting hard and shattering Bruno's spine. This time Bruno could not scream. He couldn't do anything except gasp soundlessly.
The Bandersnatch whuffed in satisfaction and tossed Bruno high in the air, catching him effortlessly in his mouth, and gulped him down. Small Fairies went down his throat so easily, he thought to himself-and they tasted quite nice as well.
Nevertheless, he hoped Mirana sealed the Portal between Underland and Fairy-Land soon.
This was the second fairy he had eaten in as many weeks.
Author's Note: Okay, explanation time. The character of Bruno comes from the Lewis Carroll novels Sylvie and Bruno and Sylvie and Bruno Concluded. He is a fairy child, the son of the King, and he is also the most annoying character ever conceived by Carroll. The way I've written his dialogue is as close as I dare to come to how Carroll wrote it. Words cannot describe how god-awful this…thing is. The two books are a low point in Carroll's career, and should only be read with copious amounts of booze on hand.