There are things. Things I don't understand, things that unintentionally make me emotional, emotional in the sense my insides flutter around making me light headed, emotional in the sense I get unbearable aches in my chest and the pit of my stomach. The empty void that won't go away; because I care, because I love, but it is these things that make me, me. And I intend, and will try, to embrace them. There is always a silver lining; you just gotta know where to look, so look twice as it is often if not always staring you in the face.
I woke up today wanting to be a better person, he always tells me what is neccissary, rather than what I want to here, he knows me well enough to not spoil me. Is it a crime to want to be loved? He doesn't love me like I want him to; He doesn't look at me like I want him to. However he does, in his own way, appreciate me for me. I suppose that should be enough.
It isn't.
I've had a mild fascination with him since I was little, young and simple minded. Though it seems I went far enough to even attempt conversation, I got it. It's taken years of persuasive skills and over friendliness to get this far and it's paid off. It's been five years, five long unchanging years, and we are friends. But I want more; god knows I deserve more for the effort I put in. It's not enough, what we have. I've been there through the bad times; made it my business to get involved with his life, healed his wounds after the beatings, and held his hand in his sleep when there was sweat dripping off his brow as he tosses and turns in and out of the nightmares.
And now I've grown to love him, It's not fun loving someone who doesn't love you back. But I intend to keep it up, even if it hurts. I know he needs me, maybe he isn't read yet, but I know he will be someday, hope he will someday. I'll never be her, she was his everything and I couldn't save her, it was my fault and deep down I know he will never forgive me. Marie Ann Hiwatari, the definition of beauty, she got her looks from her mother; she had the same eyes as him, the same smirk. She jumped because she knew, she knew I wanted her brother and she was holding him back, we both needed him after the abbeys long days, we both needed his shoulder to cry on, She just decided I needed it more. She jumped because I hadn't let her know how much I still needed her. She was the only person I could talk to at night, the only person who understood my pain.
Boris gave the lashes like they were nothing, but it would all be ok, he used to hold me, tell me it would all turn out well in the end.
He won't touch me now. He can barely look at me, and why you might ask? Because I remind him too much of her. How is that fair? I've lost so much and gained nothing, neither will love me now.
He looks at me deeply now and again; I know he sees the pain in my eyes. Why can't he just comfort me? Is it because im an entirely selfish creature and I want what I can't have. He still inspires me, has taught me a lesson.
Im going now, I miss her so much, what's the point of living when what you're living for is undoubtedly a lie. A dream, an utterly different universe, complex in its enchanting glory. The metal is sharp and cold, my arms are already aching but I can't feel it as much now they're going to sleep, as I drift into a better place I feel regret for him. For what I was too self-seeking to have faith in. The crimson pool surrounds me as my last thought enters my mind.
Selfishness gets you nowhere. Just ask Kai Hiwatari.