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Name of the fic you are fanfic'ing: Wide Awake
Word Count: 4353
Full Summary:
Edward has just come home, and once again, Alice's world has shifted wildly on its axis. Jasper's POV.
Disclaimer: Twilight is owned by Stephanie Meyer and Wide Awake is owned by AngstGoddess003.
Monumental Macaroons 1 ½ - Jasper
"Yeah, Mom. That's cool. I know. Have fun. See you later." Christ, the woman was nervous. It was just a fucking date. Live a little, Mom! I knew this was a big deal for her though. She'd had dates and sorta had boyfriends before, but she liked this guy - I mean Liked, with a capital letter and all - and she was calling me to calm her nerves, which was cool by me, 'cause we talked about shit all the time. Unlike my girl and her mom, who was a touch on the psycho side if you ask me - not that I'd ever say anything like that to Alice, though. She'd have my fucking balls on a plate if she even thought I thought that, and my balls were pretty fucking special to me.
It was gonna be a long, lonely evening, with Alice being all there-for-Bella, and Mom out on her hot date. I switched the TV on, flipping through channels to a rerun of the original Star Trek series. This was some seriously funny shit, with tin-foil aliens and hot babes in bikinis speaking in weird monotones.
I grabbed a beer out of the cooler, and opened a bag of chips before getting comfy. It would have been more fun to watch with my girlfriend, though. She'd freak out over the costumes, and she kind of had a thing for Spock. We would've had a laugh and a bit of cuddle-snuggle canoodling, and then, because we were guaranteed the house to ourselves, she would've done something really hot. Like that time when she just took off her panties, and started playing with herself right there in front of me, cool as you like. And I definitely liked. In fact, I was getting hard just remembering how much I liked. Christ, I loved Alice. She was always up for anything.
I didn't mind her wanting to do the whole there-for-Bella stint. We were all there for Bella, but only Alice and Rose could really do anything about it. Plus, Rose was probably in hump-heaven; no doubt in a non-stop humpathon with her college man. Ugh, I had to wipe that image off the inside of my eyeballs. Why I did that shit to myself; who knew? But Bella was something pretty fucking special, and we all would've done anything for her.
I liked to think I knew a bit of what she was going through. Not the whole 'locked in a closet by a fucking maniac and tortured to the point of insanity around men for the rest of your life' thing. I thought about that a lot, and when I did, I always wondered how the fuck she even survived as well as she did. I seriously doubt, if I was in her shoes, that I'd be alive and sitting in a house in Forks, of all fucking places. Or going to school. Or eating and breathing.
If that had been my mom murdered while I was locked in a closet and powerless to help her... Fucking hell, I couldn't even think about it without hyperventilating. So the girl had my respect just for being alive, and she did a hell of a lot more than that.
I could relate to her feelings about Edward, though. I fucking missed him. And I fucking hated him for not being here. And I fucking loved him for being the kind of person who could make me hate him, just for not being here.
Before my main man, Edward, came to Forks, the dude pool was shit. I mean, I had more fun hanging out with my sister than I did messing around with the likes of Newton and Crowley. They were just so full of shit, all talk and no follow through.
Newton's old man had him wound up tighter than an eight day clock. He pushed and pushed him to be the man, act tough and take it; but at the same time, he had him working in the store whenever it suited him, and expected Mike to toe the line and say 'yes sir' to anything he wanted. It was no wonder Newton was such a dick now. He didn't have the slightest notion about how to behave in public.
Crowley's old man was all right. Tyler didn't have that excuse; he was just a dick by nature I guess, nurture had nothing to do with it, as far as I could make out. Tyler came from Good People. Like me and Rose, we were from a Good People-kinda family. My mom had standards, and she expected us to keep to them. If she knew half the shit I used to get up to, she would've beaten it out of me, in the nicest possible way. Now, Carlisle – he was Good People fucking personified. Emmet was Good People, maybe not at first, but he got his shit together, and he was Good People now. Edward was Good People too, he just didn't know it yet.
Man, I fucking missed him.
So, all alone and settled in for the evening, it was one, big, fucking surprise to me when I heard the wheels of my girl's Porsche tearing up the driveway outside. I thought maybe she'd gotten so turned on by that boxing shit, she just had to ditch Bella and come right on over, 'cause Alice was like that - when she got horny, she wanted to scratch that itch immediately, no passing go. She completely lived in the moment.
But it wasn't that at all. I heard her car door slam, followed by the clatter of her little feet against the concrete walkway to my door. I tried to beat her to it, but she was fast. I pulled the door open, and there she was, standing on my top step with this Look on her face. Yeah, a Look with a freaking capital letter. And it wasn't a Look that had anything at all to do with sex.
She didn't speak. But I knew.
"Edward?" She just nodded. "Here?" another nod. In all the time I had known my girl, not once had I known her to be speechless. Not fucking once.
My first instinct was to grab my jacket and keys and head on over there, but I figured that if that had been the right thing to do, Alice would've dragged me right out there herself. She didn't. She just stood there, looking at me, and it didn't take a moron to see that she needed me. Not that I didn't burn to go see with my own eyes what the fuck had happened to my bro to keep him away from us without so much as a word. But I also knew that his first priority had to be with Bella, and yeah, with Carlisle; and mine was with Alice. That was how it was. I took her hand and led her inside. We sat down on the couch together, and I just Looked right back at her.
Alice had these big brown eyes that took up half of her tiny face. She was like an animé character, all eyes, with a tiny button nose and a sweet little mouth that made all these exaggerated expressions.
She never could hide a single thing that she was feeling. Either it was all spilling out of those perfect lips, or it was written in big fucking letters in her wide, wide eyes. When she was angry, I swear I had seen lightening bolts come out of those eyes. And when she cried, her tears brimmed forever on the edge of her eyelashes, before rolling in fat drops down her face.
And when she came – oh man, her face was something to behold. It was like heaven on earth to watch her. I fucking loved Alice, so fucking much.
"Talk to me, baby. Are you okay?" She just nodded, but she still couldn't bring herself to speak. She had to be holding something really fucking big in, because speaking is like breathing to Alice Brandon. I was kind of at a loss, so I kept staring back into her wet eyes, hoping for a sign that would tell me what to do.
Finally, I could see her throat begin to work, and her eyes shift down and up, down and up, in little jerky movements. I figured she must have been working towards the big reveal, and my heart was leaping around in my chest, waiting for some epic fucking news. What had he done? Shit, was he okay? Fuck. I wished she would just spill already.
She finally opened her perfect, little mouth and said, "Jazz? Why do you love me?"
Not what I was fucking expecting. At all.
"Why do I love you?" She nodded at the question, and two fat tears spilled down her soft-as-peach cheeks.
I was at a bit of a loss. Actually, I was fucking clueless. This was Alice Brandon, my perky-as-a-princess girl, my bouncing, laughing, sunshine girl, asking me why I fucking loved her? I had never known her to be like this – it was bordering on clingy. Then I felt bad for thinking that. Jesus, I wished she would just the fuck tell me what had happened to Edward.
She was waiting, and I had to answer her. I breathed in deeply, and pulled my most sincere look and voice out, to make sure she knew I was there-for-Alice – 'cause I absolutely was. "Babe, I can't even count the reasons I love you; there are so many." Fuck, that sounded lame. I privately kicked myself in my own ass. Idiot.
"Please, Jazz? Just tell me some. Tell me why you chose me." She sounded all serious and quiet, calm almost, like she desperately needed to know, but didn't want to put pressure on me at all.
There had to be a whole world of shit behind that question. I didn't know what had happened to provoke it, or what the fuck it had to do with Edward, but it had to be mega; so I was feeling even more anxious. I started to shift around in my seat, but I didn't think that that would come off well. So I kept my eyes on hers while I thought desperately about how to answer her – the right way.
"My beautiful, beautiful girl." The opening was good, 'cause it brought a tiny smile to the corner of her lips. I could totally fucking do this. "Do you remember the Halloween that Rosalie got sick?" She nodded at me again, all huge eyes, and serious straight mouth.
"I was really mean to her. I was a total jerk. I knew I was being a total jerk to her, but I couldn't seem to stop doing it. Rose has always been the strong one, the tough one, you know that. She took care of me, that's just how our relationship is. So I didn't even notice that I was being a jerk to her, I just carried on doing it. And you never spoke to me back then, ever, but you did that day. You totally called me out. You were taking care of Rose with one hand, all soft and gentle and caring, and with the other, you were pointing your finger at me and looking like if I got close enough, you would've hit me with it. And your eyes were mad and flashing when you looked at me; but when you turned to look at Rose, they were all soft and sweet and anxious. That's when I realised how beautiful you were. Are. Still. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She shook her head slightly, no. "I do and I don't, Jazz. I need – crap, I don't know how to explain what I need. I need more." Her eyes were imploring me to understand. Fucking hell, if anyone else was sitting here asking me this shit, I would've run out the fucking door. But Alice didn't do clingy and whiney, she didn't need validation for who she was, she fucking knew I loved her, in every fucking way. She really needed this. So I made myself man up.
I stared down at the delicate ring she wore on her tiny right hand; took another deep breath. I spoke softly, so that she listened hard. "Alice, you are so real. When you feel something, you act on it. What's on the inside of you shows on the outside, and it makes you the most beautiful wild spirit in the fucking universe. I can't tell you what I love about you, Baby, 'cause there's nothing about you that I don't love. I know you, Alice," and I looked so deep into her eyes that I could see into her soul, "and I love every fucking piece of you. Get it?"
She was smiling now, a big, wide happy smile. My girl was back. "So. Are you gonna tell me what brought this on? Why did you need me to declare my love, when you know full fucking well how much you mean to me, you siren." I reached out to stroke her face, so she knew I meant it. She leaned her head into my hand, and her whole head almost fit into my palm, seriously. It made me feel all protective, like I'd kill anyone who hurt her, anyone, and I wasn't fucking joking.
"Oh, Jazz. I love you, too. It's all just so messed up at Carlisle's, and I was watching all this shit go down all around me, and I felt so – alone." She stopped to think, as though surprised by what just came out of her mouth. "Like, I could see what everyone was doing wrong, and I couldn't stop them from doing it, and they didn't even know I was there. It was like I didn't exist." She smiled wryly , acknowledging the irony. We all knew when Alice was there, and she fucking knew it. It wasn't as though she didn't know herself.
She carried on, contemplating, looking down at my big hands holding her teeny-tiny ones. "I know its not about me, I know this is big for everyone, but I started thinking about how much I couldn't do, and how just – useless I was; what's the point of me? Even my mom, she hasn't listened to me the whole time. I've been trying to tell her what's really real, what's actually happening to all of us, and she hasn't listen to me once. Not for months. Not since Bella came to live with us." She shook her head, looking like she was trying to shake a flea out her ear – or a picture out of her head. "And she was there, right in the middle of it all, trying to make it better for Bella and Edward – she stroked his hair, Jazz, like he was her kid or something, and I just couldn't square it with the woman who wouldn't hear a word I had to say to her. Not a word. So what's the point of me? She's my mom, Jazz, and I might as well be some doll she plays with sometimes."
Fucking hell. None of this made any sense to me at all. Not at all.
"Alice, your mom doesn't think about you as a doll. We don't always see eye to eye, you know that. But she loves you, Babe, she really does."
She sighed, and pouted, which was quite fucking sexy, and made me want to lick her lip. But I could see her thinking hard about what she was trying to say – how to tell me what was going on in that manic brain of hers.
"I used to think my mom and I were really close. Like, really, really close. It was just her and me for so long, and we would have these girly evenings and spend time together, and all my girlfriends were envious of us. Even Rose." Her eyes were on the floor, but she peeked up at me when she mentioned my sister. I guess – I always knew my mom and I had a better relationship than Rose and she did. But it never occurred to me that Rose minded. Fuck.
"But, you know, we talked about clothes and school and my dreams for the future, and – it was all meaningless. We didn't talk about anything important. I never even told her I had a crush on you, 'til it was completely obvious. And I wanted to know about sex and birth control and stuff." She cleared her throat - a little flushed. I guess she was embarrassed over talking about that stuff with Esme. It didn't bother me none that she had. I smiled. She looked thoughtful again.
"Actually, she didn't like talking to me about sex, either. She got all stiff in her shoulders, and tried to look cool about it. She wasn't though." Her forehead creased, and I reached out to smooth it away with my fingertips.
"And all that time, she was at it with Carlisle! For years, Jazz. Hiding it. Why did she hide it for so long? I just don't understand her!"
"I don't know, Beautiful. Carlisle's – well, he's been kind of a hot item in Forks. All the single women had their eye on him, ask my mom. Fuck, I don't mean my mom had a thing for him – just, her friends did." I tried to make myself stop digging that hole. "Anyway, your mom got lucky – maybe she didn't want those other bitches to know. He's nuts about her, you know. I've seen the way he looks at her. It's like she's his – gift. All fragile and special, that he doesn't want to break, but he's totally psyched to have her." Her big, wide smile had come back again, thank fucking Christ.
"I know, right?" But she paused, staring unseeing into the distance as though the images flashing through her mind were sad and wrong. "Jazz, I've tried so hard. I've done everything I can think of to help Bella. I've made moving to Carlisle's as easy as I can for all of us. I've been calling Rosalie and Emmet and keeping them up to date with what's going on, so they don't feel excluded. I talked to Emmet about taking his room, even though Carlisle said I didn't need to. You know what? I keep talking about the place I live as Carlisle's. Not home. And I still think of my room as Emmet's room. Like I'm temporary, or something. I'll be going off to college soon, and that will be it, and they'll never think of me as anything other than a long term guest."
"Alice, Babe, that's not true. It's not like that." I cupped her chin to make her look at me. "Honey, you are the heart of that fucked up family of yours. Without you, there wouldn't be a family, or a home."
"No, Jazz, that's not true." Her eyes blazed at me. " Bella's the heart. She's the one that gels us together. She cooks and bakes like she's spinning a family story out of food. I just – there's no point to me. I try, I try so hard. But I may as well just leave them to it." She looked so despondent. I had to cut through that shit, right away.
"Alice Brandon, are you going to tell me what happened this evening to make you feel this freaking insane way?" My voice was hard and sharp, and she wasn't expecting it. Her head darted up and she looked at me, quickly, before hiding her eyes on the rug again.
"It's not insane." I could hardly hear her. She spoke with a tiny little crushed voice, and it fucking freaked me right out. This was so unlike my girl.
"Alice!"
"Okay." She looked at me again, all determined and pouty in the mouth. "When we got back from boxing, Edward's car was there. Bella went white and all postal, and she tried to jump out of the car while it was still moving. She went tearing inside, and I tried to stay out of the way to give them some space, you know? But I didn't know what was happening, and it was killing me. Then my mom comes down, and she's all shocked and tearful, and she tries to tell me stuff, but she keeps stopping and starting again, like she doesn't know what she's allowed to tell me. And I think, I think she told me that Edward had been staying with his mother, who was a junky or an alcoholic or something, and that he'd come back home. To live. But I'm not sure. And then she went back up stairs again, like she just couldn't leave them alone, or maybe she couldn't be away from Carlisle, I don't know. And then Bella starts screaming, and I go running up the stairs, because I can't bear it, I have to be there; Edward is lying on the rug tearing his freaking hair out, and he looks like shit, Jazz, like something out of a horror movie, or something. And Bella's locked herself in her room, or his room, I don't know whose room it is, I'm so confused, but Jazz -" she looked at me, scared animé eyes, big and trembling in her small face, "my mom was stroking his hair, and looking at him, like – like she loved, him Jazz; like it hurt her that he was hurt. And she made Bella let her in to talk to her. And she never came back out. She was in there forever, and she never came back out." Okay, so the Alice I knew sounded like she was coming back, because she hadn't stopped to breathe while she ranted her story to me. But she hadn't finished. I kept my eyebrow cocked at her.
"The thing is, Jazz – the thing is, I know this sounds ridiculous and pathetic, but I felt so lonely. I felt – crushed. That's horrible of me. I feel like a horrible, horrible person for being like that, but I did, and I don't understand, so I had to leave straight away. And then I got here and started asking you dumb questions – I don't know what's wrong with me."
Fuck.
I kept right on staring at her, trying to pick through this onslaught of information, trying to get to the heart of the problem for Alice. Because I had a million fucking questions for her, but the last thing she needed was questions about everyone else's shitting life. She needed someone to focus completely on her.
And suddenly, I got it. We're all just kids. We didn't know shit. We didn't know what anyone else had been through, even though we tried and tried to sort it out. I couldn't fix Bella, not by that tiny fucking fist bump that I was so freaking proud of, or any other kind of thing.
And Alice could love her as much as she liked, but all the love in China wasn't going to erase the monstrosity of what happened to her. And we didn't even know what had happened to Eddie to fuck him up so much. Hell, we didn't even know what had happened to Esme to make her react the way she did; or Carlisle for that matter.
And even though I knew my girl with my heart and my soul, I didn't know what went through her head from one minute to the next. I mean, I've seen Esme stare at her kid with the fierce, loving, mad, protectiveness of a – Christ, I dunno, a Mother, I guess. A Mother with one of those freaking capital letters. And Alice was sitting there, telling me she felt unloved. And left out. We didn't know shit, we really didn't.
"Allie; Babe." She stared, warily, at my mouth, like she didn't trust my lips or something. I waited for her to look at my eyes. She did.
"I see you, Beautiful." She looked – confused.
"I see you." I waited for her to understand. I looked so hard at her, I could almost see the other side of her. She stared back.
"I. See. You."
When she understood, I could see it start at the center of her eyes. It was like a stone had dropped into them, and the connection rippled out from the core of her, smoothing out her forehead, relaxing her peachy cheeks, softening her mouth. Her shoulders fell, and her spine undid itself.
Suddenly, she leapt across the distance between us and grabbed fiercely at the back of my head before crushing her mouth on to mine. Her tongue spun and delved into my mouth as she pressed her body against mine. I could feel her telling me all the things she wanted to say – how much she wanted me, how thankful she was for me, how much she fucking loved me. And my return kiss said the same things right back as I held her, caressing her everywhere.
'Cause in the end, this is all we have - all any of us have. A connection, that's wordless and speaks like a Brandon at the same time. We can't change shit. We can't fucking understand each other – we can't even understand ourselves from one minute to the next. But we can look at each other, and we can really see what's there. And then we can tell it like it is – but not with words.
Not even Words, with capital fucking letters.