Nights Like These ...

Nat sighed as she sat at her desk. A girl's just gotta have fun, and this? Well this wasn't... It was so dreadfully boring that she was afraid her brain was melting in to fine zombified goo right as she sat there. No autopsies to be done, no paperwork to finish or tests to confirm... For all intents and purposes she was currently being paid for doing squat. Not that she minded that aspect of it. It was just...

Ok fine. It was the fact that she was stuck here doing nothing while Nick was kicking back and relaxing at home on forced probationary vacation... So he'd gotten a liiiittle bit rough with a perp, broken an arm and been the generous giver of a perfect shiner... That seriously didn't warrant a vacation! Hell, that was a treat, not a punishment!

RING!

She almost flipped her chair over in surprise as the shrill ringing of the phone pierced the air. "Nat's bed and breakfast. You bag 'em, we tag 'em," she said into the phone, finally recomposing herself.

"Nat?"

It was Nick, and she immediately grew worried. His voice sounded strained... Weary... "Nick? What's the matter?" she said worriedly into the phone, her knuckles turning white from the force of her clenched fingers on it.

"I need your help, Nat. I... You're the only person I know who would be able to help me," he said with a withered sigh. He sounded so sad...

"Well for goodness sake, Nick. What is it?" she asked, growing more and more curious, and more and more worried by the instant.

"I... I just can't keep my alien up. I... I need help," he admitted quietly, his tone sounding almost... embarrassed?

Nat was floored. Was that what they were calling it now- a-days? Goodness, she'd heard a lot of slang, but this one was new. And the fact that Nick was asking for her help, well that... that made it even more strange. "Nick, you need help keeping your alien up?" she asked seriously, as he obviously thought this was a serious matter, although she was fighting a terrible urge to laugh. That was not a problem she had ever imagined Nick having.

"Well," he mumbled, "Yeah. He's lonely... He wants to meet a female..."

Nat practically choked. This was the weirdest come on she'd ever heard... and yet... "Take me!" her little inner voice was screaming. Fighting to remain calm, she stood up from her chair. "Sure Nick, I'll be right over. I can help him..." she whispered suggestively, at the same time wondering just how desperate she'd become that she was going for this... Nick had never expressed any interest in her before. As far as he was concerned, they were 'just friends'. Takemetakemetakeme! Shut up! That little voice was getting quite annoying.

"Ok," he said weakly and hung up the phone.

Nat sighed as she grabbed her keys and coat. Thank her lucky stars that there was no work to be done tonight! In a flash she was standing in Nick's lift, waiting impatiently for the elevator the lumber into place. Finally, it clicked into place and she flung the door open with a mighty heave.

"Nat! Thank God you're here!" Nick cried in relief, at the door to the lift instantly.

Nat didn't waste any time, and was immediately upon him, crushing her lips against his. He groaned in response, responding quite well in kind as he grabbed her waist and his hands roamed lower. And lower... And then he stopped, pulling back as if he finally realized what was going on, the passionate mood crunched under Nick's confused stare. "Nat? What on Earth are you doing?!" he exclaimed.

Breathless, Nat stared back at him. "I... oooh look, it worked! It's up!" she smiled and tried to dive into another kiss, but Nick stopped her with his hands.

Nick glanced downward and his pale face turned twenty deep shades of red in quick succession. "Nat, I uh..." Natalie merely gave him a leery grin as he made the tent in his loose khakis even more apparent when he attempted to hide it.

"Who is this? Is this your Earth Female?" a tiny voice asked carrying through the expanse of the loft from somewhere over by the far window.

Nat snapped her head in the direction of the voice. And there, standing quietly, was a three foot tall... thing... It was gray, bony thin, with a triangular head and two elongated black eyes that were kind of ovular in shape, but not quite. Oh... my... God...

"Uh, Nat, meet Bob. He's depressed..." Nick said helpfully, an innocent smile marring his face as the tent in his pants noticeably deflated.

"Bob?" she asked, surprised that she'd found her voice.

Nick sighed. "Yeah. I can't seem to keep him up, he's always so blue... Come here, Bob. Meet Natalie," Nick gestured with his hands suavely, and 'Bob' immediately responded, ambling over with a weary sigh, his tiny little mouth forming an 'o' that made his overall appearance look incredibly pathetic.

"Bob?!" she cried again. She didn't know whether it was harder to believe that there was an alien coming over to shake her hand, or that his name was Bob.

The little gray alien approached her and bowed gracefully. "Greetings Natalie. I am Supreme Dictator Bob of the planet Sirrah Eiram Prime, home world of the bloozleblub race, center of the galactic congress, and prime trading center for flea circus distributors. You can get good fleas for half off if you talk to my chancellor Fred, he's well connected..." the alien said matter-of-factly with what could only be described as a smile. But as soon as he'd made his introduction, his smile turned downwards into a frown. Nick was right. It did look depressed...

"Uh, hi," Nat said distractedly, "Nick, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Yeah sure, hang on a second, Bob, OW!" Nick cried as Nat dragged him by the ear upstairs into his bedroom. Once she had shut the door behind them, she couldn't keep her cool any longer.

"Nick, there is an alien from the planet Sirr... Sirr... oh who cares. There's an alien in your living room named Bob, right? I'm not losing my mind?" Nat questioned, dreading the response. She didn't know what would be worse. Whether she was crazy, or whether she was right.

Nick nodded. "Yeah, isn't it great? I feel like Fox Mulder!" he said happily, but his grin soon disappeared as he saw Nat's steady glare.

"And you're not the least bit bothered by this?" Nat questioned in disbelief. This had to be some elaborate joke. Maybe it was Schanke dressed up like an alien... No, he was too big... But it had to be some kind of joke...

Nick shook his head. "No, I think it's cool!" he exclaimed, jumping up and down like a child on a sugar high. "Hell, Nat. I've been haunted, turned into a vampire, met with the devil, why would I find the concept of aliens the least bit strange?" he asked quizzically, frowning slightly.

Nat sighed. He did have a point... "And you called me over here from work to help him because he's depressed?"

Nick smiled and shook his head. "Yeah, can you?"

Nat rolled her eyes. Well, this day couldn't possibly get any weirder... "Sure, why not? I'm already doctor to the undead, why not an extraterrestrial?" she asked sarcastically, throwing her arms up into the air in defeat.

She returned downstairs with Nick following close behind, only to find Bob standing forlornly where they had left him. "So, uh, Bob," she began, guiding him over to the sofa. "Nick tells me that you're a little bit depressed?" she asked, fighting to remain calm and sane despite the insanity of this situation. A coroner providing psychiatric help for an extraterrestrial named Bob who just happened to speak perfect English? Well, she guessed stranger things had happened although she couldn't think of anything offhand.

Bob looked at her with his black eyes for a moment before he jumped up on his feet. "Of course I'm depressed! Don't I look depressed to you? It must be this lighting, it's hiding it!" Bob cried, obviously flustered that she wasn't seeing what was so obviously obvious to him.

"Well you look unhappy, a little down, but certainly not depressed," Nat sighed. Great. This was going just wonderfully so far.

"But I'm a full three inches taller than I'm supposed to be! This is wrong! Depression is a rare disease, they will all laugh at me!"

Huh? Nat blanched as he said that... Perhaps he didn't have a good grasp on the English language after all. She looked to Nick for help, but he just shrugged. "I need to be repressed! Repressed!" Bob exclaimed, trying to get them to understand, but Nat could only blink in confusion. "Shorter! Make me shorter!" Bob was screaming now, and Nat couldn't help but wince.

"Shorter..." Nat said flatly. Depressed. Repressed. Haha, that was cute... God, she wanted to scream. This was ridiculous... Maybe she could leave before she got too involved, but... Wait! She grinned as she came up with an idea. "Well, listen Bob, I believe I can help you," go to Nick's fridge and pull out one of the clear plastic containers that looks like it has green slime in it. That's a special protein drink for aliens like you, it'll make you shorter..." she said quickly.

Bob smiled and skipped over to the fridge. "Sure! I can do that..." He rooted through the fridge until he finally found what he was looking for, humming some odd tune that sounding strangely similar to the X-files theme. Nat merely passed it off as coincidence.

The little gray alien pulled the jar out of the fridge and held it up for to see, smiling triumphantly. "Yeah, that's it. Drink it," she stated calmly. She gave Nick a friendly peck on the cheek and stood up, turning to leave as Bob chugged the entire contents of the bottle into his tiny mouth. "It'll start working in a few hours, now I really must go..." she added absently, only three feet from the lift. Freedom!

But Bob dropped the plastic container to the floor with a crash and stomped his foot harshly on the ground in protest, rushing up in front of her to stop her hasty departure. "No! You will make it work now, worthless Earth female!" he cried, but at that outburst, all pity she had for the little creature from wherever the Hell it'd said, had waned into nothing.

She glared at Bob an evil staggering glare of death, and then at Nick for bringing her into this damnable situation. Damnit all, how was she going to get Bob to lay off? "Well uh," she hedged as an idea began to form in her mind. No. She couldn't. She'd already used one placebo... Mentally shrugging, she frowned. Well why not, damnit? It's not like it would...

"Bob, I can speed the process up, but only a little. I'll help all I can, but this is all I can do," she said as a precautionary, but the little alien was too elated to care, nodding frantically for her to continue.

"Nick? Why don't you go upstairs and get the, uh, the air combustionary device from your bathroom..."

Nick looked at her dumbly. "The what?"

Nat sighed inwardly. Damnit all, she'd have to do it herself. Grumbling, she went upstairs and retrieved Nick's Vidal Sassoon Super Double Deluxe Mega Blaster Hair Dryer VX9000 from where it sat on his black marble countertop. Why he needed such a crazy contraption to dry his average head of average male-length hair was beyond her. Maybe it was a vampire thing or something.

Shrugging, she rejoined Bob on the floor and smiled a sickly sweet smile at him, displaying her pearly white teeth in a plastered happy look. "Now, I'm just going to turn this thing on and you'll feel hot briefly. That shows that it's working. After that, it'll take a bit before you shrink," she said informatively, hoping that Bob was falling for it.

He was.

She turned it on and sighed. What a night... This was not a good way to develop her nightlife... "Glignot! I can feel it working already!" Bob screamed out loud suddenly as he raised his hands into the air as if in rejoice, almost knocking the hair-dryer from Nat's hands.

And there, before Nick and Nat's amazed eyes, Bob began to shrink. And shrink. And shrink... *POOF* He was gone. Supreme Dictator Bob was gone. In the blink of an eye...

"Hmmm, hot air is good for something!" Nat said with a smile. Wow. Her placebo had turned into a panacea. How convenient!

"Nat? What the Hell was that?" Nick asked, looking amazed at the vacant floor where Bob had been standing just seconds before.

"I... It was the protein shake I put in your fridge this morning, I was going to use it as a placebo for him... The hairdryer was a last minute idea," she told him softly, dreading his reaction.

"You mean you were going to have me drink that?" Nick whispered in shock as he continued to stare, obviously caring more that the protein drink was intended for him than the fact that his alien friend had shrunk into oblivion. Nat could only nod.

"I... well... Woah..." was all Nick could utter at her confirmation. "What was in it?"

"Uh... I can't even remember, you think I actually record my recipes?" Nat smiled mischievously at him, suddenly wanting to shake him up a little. He deserved it for leading her on like he had... Well, he hadn't.. SHUT UP! She stopped her inner commentary and continued to smile sickly, hoping that he wouldn't notice she was joking.

It worked. Nick's eyes widened and rolled back into his head in a dead faint.

Wow. Natalie shrugged.

What a night.

THE END