One-shot fic. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Hey Arnold and all its characters do not belong to me
Arnold was my obsession. A compulsive disorder of mine that pushed me forward to the brink of a passionate insanity. He made me do things, feel things to the extreme, and I couldn't get enough of it. He was my world, my drug, my life, my continuance. He was the fuel to my fire, until…he walked out of my life to be with THEM. His obsession, his passion, his ultimate desire…his…parents. I lost him to them and then…I lost myself. Everything stopped. Life, passion, and me being me. It all stopped. I had no drive, no spark, no gusto, I was just… bland. Arnold was everything, and all I had left.
I thought our trip to San Lorenzo would have brought us closer, which it did in a way, but not in the way that I thought. I knew he cared about me, he cared about everyone. But it seemed to me that despite the many trials we went through in the jungle it just wasn't enough. I was not enough for him to give me what I wanted, what I yearned for. So, when we returned to Hillwood things went about as usual. We hung out with the gang, played baseball, gathered up to hear urban legends and all that junk. You know, same old same old. It was like Fti never happened, like San Lorenzo never happened, and it was tearing me up inside, but at least he was still there. He was within reach. He just needed time. Yeah, that's it. Time.
But then one day, as we were all sitting down enjoying our shakes, celebrating the end of a great summer; Arnold announced to everyone that he was leaving for San Lorenzo in just two days. Imagine the look of surprise on my face when he uttered those words. No one seemed as utterly devastated as I was. One thing I recalled was that I sat there with my mouth agape over my straw in shock, and my eyes unblinking while everyone approached him, hugged him, offering good wishes in this new place, this new adventure he was embarking on this time…without me. Even Phoebe in her shock made the effort to wish him well on his new journey.
All these best wishes and such made me sick to my stomach. I just wanted to hurl and yet I knew I had to do it too. I had to wish him well. I had to give him my blessing to go without regret. In the midst of the distraction, I came to my senses and attempted to take a step forward towards the crowd, towards him, but I couldn't. I didn't want to say goodbye. I did not want to let the dream end. I never wanted to admit that it was over; that my wish would never come true. That everything I've done was all for naught. So, true to my nature, I slipped away from sight, exiting through the back of the shop. I ran through alleyways while my mind was a stir. And I was led home through no awareness of my own. I was on autopilot until I arrived in my room and noticed the volumes of poems and likenesses of him I made. That's when I finally cried. I cried my heart out until my voice was raw and my head pounded. "They're taking it all away from me. He's allowing them to take it all away. How could they? How could he? Didn't he know how much it would hurt me?" I was angry at first, and then I went into denial. "No! He wouldn't hurt me, Arnold would never hurt anyone!" Soon enough I felt so exhausted that I fell asleep. Waking up the next day, I shut out everyone in protest, hoping he'll realize the error of his ways. Hoping he'll come to me and confess his love and stay. I would have done whatever it took for him to stay. I always did what I could for my obsession. But…without so much as a goodbye, a day later, I was told that he left.
So like I said earlier, I lost myself. I felt alienated, an outcast out there like I was in my home. I didn't fit in anywhere. So I withdrew myself, away from the crowd, from school, and I focused solely on my obsession. He overtook my brain, my heart, and my common sense. From the moment we met, he creeped his way into my consciousness and lingered there. He dominated my thoughts, my feelings, my desires. I was his puppet and he didn't even know it. But there's one thing he knew for sure, and that was that the girl he saw on the surface was not the girl that I was. It was a mere facade to hide the real me. He wanted to unveil the tough bully, and that's what kept him coming back. So, I just waited, waited for his return. I held vigil by my window, day and night, hoping that when he came back, he'll come straight to me. And I'll be at my window, his Juliet biding for the moment when he returned to proclaim his love. "Hasten, my love, hasten doth step. For my heart shant not bear the absence of thy light".
In my mind, he still lived around the corner. I never saw him leave for San Lorenzo so I held on to my false hope. He would sense that something was wrong, he always came when something was wrong. My obsession. My Arnold.
I was already into a month seclusion when I was discovered, weakened and paralyzed from malnutrition. I was frail and I barely had the strength to get off my window bench, still my obsession sustained me. I could never tire from it. It's what kept me going all these years. I stood firm on it and never strayed from my fixation of him. They tried to make me see the truth, they tried to make me acknowledge that he was gone, but I refused. They even tried to take me away from my perch on the bench, from my sole purpose and yet I still returned. I passed out after two days of resistance. I was force fed in order to stay alive but slowly through constant interventions, reasoning began to seep in. I was encouraged to reconnect with the outside world. My only link was my best friend.
Phoebe brought me out of the shadows in an attempt to redefine myself. I felt hopeless, I basically hit rock bottom. So I figured why not? I can only go up from there.
With her help, I tried to find an outlet, a substitute shall I say to compensate for the withdrawal of my infatuation of him. A year had passed, and nothing worked. I felt more empty and lost than I ever had since embarking on this…quest? My desperation to find stable ground led me to another boy, my placebo Arnold. This boy came into town a year after Arnold left. He was gentle and sweet like him, and well liked among the gang. Although, he lacked the drive and passion that Arnold had when it came to righting wrongs and whatnot, but he was a nice change from the monotony that was currently my life. Pretty soon, he took an interest in me as I began to blossom, and I obliged. I wanted to move on, I wanted to change. I was made over, something all the girls encouraged me to do in the name of 'sisterhood'. What a crock! I was Rhonda Wellington Lloyd's new guinea pig, and she loved it. That snob! She coerced me into it. It seemed she had obtained a certain picture from a slumber party I had crashed in the 4th grade looking like an overly made-up floozy, at the time I thought I looked good, but I guess I'm just not photogenic like I thought. Anyway, she threatened mass reproduction and distribution of that fine piece of evidence of my humiliation all over school if I didn't comply. So...complied I did. And yet, it was a step in the right direction. Well…I hate to say it, but we bonded. Ugh! That was brutal for me to admit. But I know in her way, she cared. Sometimes, I felt like they all did. And it felt…nice.
Placebo Arnold was a nice guy who managed to wean me out of my obsession a little. We went out and did what other couples normally would do. At times, I welcomed the distraction but there were instances where he would say things or do things that reminded me of the genuine article and it hurt. So within two months of dating, we called it quits. We remained friends though, but at the moment I was just not into relationships.
Phoebe. That little mouse outdone herself once again. In an attempt to cheer me up she managed to rally the gang together as a support group on my behalf. We hung out and laughed and…reminisced. They made me realize that I'm not the only one missing Arnold. In a way, I felt that we were in the same boat, yet it still wasn't quite the same. Their connection to him was strong, but mine was beyond that. It was intense. It was deeper than anyone could ever imagine. I'm sure they haven't cried themselves to sleep at night as they thought of him. Also, I'm sure they don't see him in their dreams whispering intimate words that they've longed to hear coming from his beautiful lips. And I'm definitely sure that they'd ever hope for a future with him and expected it to happen. No! They would never fully understand my connection to him and they never will…
But time had managed to pass by, rather slowly in my opinion, but the overwhelming ache began to subside; I felt myself losing him or was it just my fantasy of him.
As time went by, I came to terms with how my life was and the memory of him began to waft like the wind. I felt free and unbound to my past, my obsession. I grew up and out of my infatuation of the boy with the cornflower hair, and the green jellybean eyes that had managed to conquer my heart and soul. It took me awhile but I was free to love again.
A few years later, I graduated high school and got accepted to Groverton University. An Ivy League school that had the best Literature program in all the country. Who would've thought that I would've made it there. Not Big Bob that's for sure. Yet I managed a full ride to this school to his shock. He nearly had a fit due to his amazement. To be honest, I knew Olga was still their favorite daughter despite her giving up her teaching job to become an actress. It was hard to form a closer bond with them knowing how we started. But time changed them as well as they made a true effort in getting to know me. It was Dr. Bliss that made them notice my downward spiral into nothingness. She along with my parents with the utmost discretion of course as per Bob's request met up on certain days and worked out our 'issues'. I was finally getting the recognition I deserved.
When it was time for me to leave for Groverton University, I was stopped by my parents as I exited the door. We stood facing each other our tongues tied for a moment. I know Bob hated sensitive moments like this and so did I. Bob straightened himself as he stood on the top step with Miriam leaning in to him, a solemn expression on her face. He gathered himself and looked me in the eyes "Girl" He paused "You did it! And you did it all on your own. Now show them what the Pataki name is all about." Both Miriam and Bob had unshed tears in their eyes, yet I knew not why. I was just going off to college. What was the big deal! And then when he said these words I knew why. "I'm proud of you, Helga" He looked to Miriam and the tears began to shed then. "We both are!" From that point on all I remember was being wrapped up in a tight group hug. In the midst of the hug I whispered, "Thanks Mom, Dad" Weird huh! My own parents involving me in a group hug. Talk about awkward! But in that moment I felt that I was finally accepted into their circle. I felt I had their love.
Fast forward.
Well, four years went by and I got my degree. I made a lot of good connections and some bad ones as can be expected. But I survived once again. I still felt free, and hopeful for my future. I hoped to find that special someone who would whisk me off of my feet in a whirlwind of romance in their attempt to woo me. Yep! That was basically my expectation as I entered the working world. Always looking forward. The new me, the new and improved Helga G. Pataki.
I moved in with Phoebe who was already living in the Big Apple and had been doing research for a medical company for a year. The genius had managed to graduate early. She's a phenom, I tell ya! And I…I searched for job openings. Whatever I could find short term I did to support Phoebe with rent and other utilities. And I searched, applied, and was interviewed for positions in writing and publishing companies as well. I was looking for something more stable. That's my new favorite word. Stability. And my life was heading towards it. A few months later, I got the call. Someone read a sample of my writing and put me on board their staff for a women's magazine. Phoebe and I celebrated with a mini splurge of shopping. Yeah, yeah, you heard right. I like to shop now. I have to admit, it's very…what's the word….ah yes! therapeutic. Not for my wallet though, but you know. You have to sacrifice in order to gain. And peace of mind was what I was gaining.
Anyway, things were looking up. I had my feet on the ground, a stable income, and a somewhat stress free life. And then one Saturday, as I made my way to pick up my dress suit for work at the cleaners, I saw a man. A tall man with broad shoulders and slightly tanned skin. He had blond hair hanging down like rivulets of water that stopped at his shoulders, tied up in a small ponytail. A few wisps of hair were strayed and hung down the front of his face. He was wearing casual jeans and a blue t-shirt. He could have been just an ordinary man. But what captured my attention was not his body or his looks. It was the way he helped this old woman, a stranger, in lifting her groceries and packing it into her car. He didn't work for the food market that I knew for sure; and yet, he offered his help with the utmost sincerity that was uncommon in this neighborhood, it...floored me.
As he finished with the woman, he refused the money she provided with a gentle smile. It was uncanny, how a simple gesture managed to capture my attention, and therefore, making me oblivious to the fact that I stepped forward and into the street until a loud HONK sounded, and the screeching of tires was heard as the car stopped short of hitting me, snapping me out of my stupor. I was cursed out, and ridiculed by the driver. And so, I snapped right back, slamming my hand on the hood of his car, "YOU IMBECILE I WAS TRYING TO WALK HERE. CRIMINY!" I stepped back onto the sidewalk where I originally stood and when I looked up, the old lady's car was gone, but the tall young man with the slightly tanned skin and broad shoulders still remained. My eyes wandered up his frame until I noticed him staring right at me. I blushed in embarrassment, hoping he did not witness what just happened. I lowered my head till the blush subsided. Once it did, I looked up again and instantly, our eyes met. Green jellybean eyes. That was what popped into my head. "No! It can't be." But I could see the gears turning in his head as well as he squinted his eyes and slightly leaned in my direction, hoping for a better look. He took a hesitant step forward, and his hand began to lift as if reaching out, wondering if what he was seeing was a mirage or something real. My gaze never wavered and the words that sprung up in my head didn't either. Green jellybean eyes, Green jellybean eyes, Green jellybean eyes. My breathing began to heighten in speed. Green jellybean eyes, Cornflower hair, My beloved, My despair, Football h- My mind was leaving me. This can't be happening. Not now, not when I've managed to do so well. "No! This can't be my obsession staring right back at me. It just can't be"
It was a trick. Yesss! A trick of the mind. I blinked three times and three times his green eyes met mine. My shoulders sagged and I was faced with a tough decision. When it came down to it the only thing I could think of at that moment was "RUN, Helga, RUN". And so… I did.
"A/N: Thank You for reading! I hope you liked it. Please review."