It was a cold, dark winter, and Mirabelle's children asked her to tell them the story of Cinderella.

"Noel, why don't you help me tell them?" she asked quietly, turning to her much younger sister. The blonde girl frowned and pouted.

"I hate that story."

"Please?" Mirabelle asked. "You remember it so much better than I do."

"Fine," Noel hissed, sitting down beside her nieces and nephews. "Here goes."

…

Once upon a time there were two sisters. Their father had up and left their mother like the chauvinistic pig that he was, and they had no income whatsoever, which would have made them totally unstylish, but they just said that they were dressing boho chique and it worked out pretty well. Because their mother was a classy dame who used to have money, she married some Lord Douchenheimer or something, and she didn't even notice that he was a total pervert pedophile jerk. So she moved into this guy's chateau with her two daughters. One was fifteen and one was thirteen. Lord Whatever had this kid from a previous marriage named Linelle, but she went by Elle, because she thought it made her seem more Vogue or something, like all Madonna and stuff (but that totally didn't work for her because she was just a skank—I mean, a skunk—with no talent whatsoever). So the two sisters, um…Jessinda and Melinda…had to share a room with her. It was really weird because Lord Such-and-Such would always try to sneak into the room at night and it was totally sketchy, but I guess the idea that his daughter was there freaked him out and he never did anything, thank gawd.

So, like, then Mom—the girls' mom—moved Elle into the tower bedroom because she was a whiny little brat who snored and junk and screwed with other people's stuff, and then Jessinda decided enough was enough and she slipped some extra mushrooms into Lord McIdiotface's soup that night. He was too sick to get out of bed, so he never got all molest-y. Eventually he died, and Elle kind of freaked out about it. Well, that was kind of justifiable, because she didn't really get that her dad was a total pedobear and trying to get with Melinda all the time, and he was her only living parent, so yeah, that was tough for her, I guess.

Oh! Right! Then there was this charity ball for widows and junk, and the prince was going to be there—not the one that just got married, I mean the hot one—and by then the girls were older except for Jessinda who never got to do anything because everyone in this family is ageist.

Or like, sexist or something—whatever it is when you're just a big douche and you're all like, "But you're too young to go clubbing," and junk like that.

So. The ball. It was goin' down. Stuff was getting funky. Jessinda was super sneaky and awesome and showed up, and she was all getting complemented and grinding on all the dignitaries and shit.

Elle was there and she started acting like a total ho. She had tried to be like Ke$ha by putting ashes on her face in the shape of a dollar sign, and everyone was making fun of her and calling her Cinderella. Like, no one should ever cross the Ke$ha line unless they actually understand Ke$ha. Ke$ha fu—oh, I forgot, you guys are like eight or something…freaking rocks.

Anyway, Elle was totally throwing herself at the prince and getting all up in his business and he was like "Whoa, who is this, why is she all gross and junk."

Jessinda got really fed up with her shit, like, for serious, and was like "Dude, shit just got real, bitch."

Then Elle was all, like, "Fuck you, you're only fifteen," and being really nasty.

So the prince was like "Dude, catfight!"

All the foreign dudes and junk were all trying to get Jessinda out of it 'cause they were all going "Mon deu, elle est tres belle, je veux baiser."

But she was all like "Um, je ne pense pas que vous avez l'argent, non? Ce n'est pas aller etre, bitch!"

So then while it was getting all foreign up in this ball, Elle was all like "Yeah, so my stepmom abuses me and my stepsisters are hoes."

The prince was all like "Hoes? LET'S GET THIS STARTED!"

But then their mom showed up and was like, "Prince, you cannot expect to treat my daughters this way without marrying one," and she was being all proper and junk like that.

He was all like, "Ma'am, a bro's gotta do what a bro's gotta do," and he was all respectful and shit and was like "Jessinda's the hot one and I, like, want her majorly." Only Elle started getting really pissed off.

She was like, "That bitch is a murdering whore," and was all talking crap about Jessinda for exterminating her pedo father, and the prince was all understanding of Jessinda, but then the queen came and was being like a total bitch and said that they all had to go home and quit grinding.

The queen went "For god's sake, this is not Jersey, get these young ladies off the French ambassador!"

Only he was all like "Non!" and all tres triste and merde like that.

Then Jessinda was like, "Monsieur, telephonez-moi, s'il vous plait, et nous pouvons rendezvous après la fete ce soir," and all smart and stuff. And he was all totally into it, but then he found out she was fifteen and they'd had enough political scandals for one year so he said they should parle après trois ans, oui?

So Elle told her totally fake sob story to the queen, who's like a total dumbass, and she freakin' believed her, and the prince was like "Ew, she's grossnasty and like such a grenade," so his mom was like saying that Elle could marry his nerdy brother who's bald by the way.

So Elle got to be a princess but Jessinda totally schooled her by hooking up with the hot prince in her royal bedroom before she'd even used it, and also she put Elle's name in the records as Cinderella N'est Pas Ke$ha, so like everyone thought she had some fancy name and now everyone calls her that and its totally awesome. So yeah, munchkins, that's how it went down. The end.

…

Mirabelle came back from the kitchen to find her children fast asleep by the fireside. Noel had left a note that said " la discotheque. munchkins fell asleep so I put the fire out", and Mirabelle looked down on her children and their sleeping faces. It was then she noticed in alarm that they'd all drawn dollar signs and Ks on their faces with the ashes of the now-dead fire—and she couldn't stop herself from laughing so hard that she woke them.