A trip to Spain

Hi it's me again, Brandon Colt. I've now been an MI6 agent for several years so I'm no longer a rookie. I've had many more assignments since the last time I wrote; I've had many successes and a few failures, but hey I'm only human right. But out of all the missions I've been on, none have been comparable to my first assignment; the one where I worked with James Bond. Luckily we hadn't been assigned as partners since that mission a few years back. I still saw him around MI6 occasionally; we tend to avoid each other. When we do have to spend prolonged time together, say in the lift we both just stand there in silence. I couldn't care less. One of my friends had to work with him recently, he told me about the chaos that ensued. From the sounds of it Bond was even more reckless than when he worked with me. Bond also made a total fool of himself at last year's Christmas party. He'd drunk quite a few vodka martinis, too much for his own good. He stumbled over to Miss Moneypenny and did his usually perverted flirting. She turned him down, so he began to force himself upon her. He kissed her and groped her only to be kneed in the groin. He then collapsed on the floor. Everyone took the piss out of him. He claims he was drunk beyond reason, but I'm calling bullshit on that. Even after pulling a stunt like that he still hasn't been sacked. The one thing I never understood was how he always gets away with such lewd behaviour. However it was my time again to work with MI6s worst agent, James Bond.

On a Monday morning I was called into M's office to be briefed for my latest mission. M sat at the desk eating an apple, eyes focused on a file. It took a few seconds for M to notice me standing there. "Good morning 0027." M greeted me. "Good morning M." I replied. "Your latest mission will see you departing to Murcia Spain." M paused reading the file. There were several seconds of silence. "Aren't you going to continue?" I asked confused. "Sorry 0027, but it looks like your partner is late." M explained. The second M said that my heart filled with panic. Only one agent would have the nerve to be late for M. I tried reassuring myself that it was another agent but deep down I knew it had to be him. After waiting ten minutes he finally walked into the office. "Ah there you are 007." M said as my heart sank. Bond hadn't noticed me at all his focus was on M. "Now 007 I was going to explain the mission to you and 0027 but since you're late we don't have time. Here's a file, you'll be staying in a 2 bedroom flat in La Torre Golf Resort and I've prepared you both aliases. Let's hope this mission goes better than it did with Parker, good luck agents." M said gesturing us to leave the office.

As we left the office Bond glanced at me with a look of distaste. "Not you again." He said grumpily. "Oh shut up Bond, you think I want to work with a scumbag like you?" I said annoyed. "How dare you be so rude to me?" Bond replied angrily. "You're the rude one; because of your lateness we've now missed the briefing!" I snapped. "Well sorry I have more important things to do." Bond replied. "What's that Bond? Shagging every woman in London?" I said angrily. "You're just jealous you stupid virgin!" He shouted at me. "Jealous of what? That you're MI6s worst agent? That you're a sex addict? You're one of the last people I'd choose to be." I shouted back. Mallory then walked by. "Stop bickering like children! You're grown men! Now get to Q branch and pick up your equipment!" He shouted.

We then walked to Q branch in silence. As we entered Q had a smile on his face. He was testing out some kind of new watch bomb. Q waved as he noticed me and Bond. The latest Q was fairly young. He was technically a rookie yet for some reason he was respected by Bond. "Good morning agents, now since this is a rather basic mission you'll be receiving minimal gadgets. But don't worry, this mission isn't much different than the one you were on several years ago." Q explained. "Here's your basic tracking device and your standard pouch for any hidden equipment." Q said handing us both a brown pouch.

"Now since you'll be hacking into Hector Fernandez's computer, we'll be issuing you both with special smart phones." Q said excitingly. Q clicked his fingers and an assistant brought him two small black boxes. Q opened one of the boxes and picked up an iPhone. "Now this appears to most people as an ordinary iPhone, but it's not. Once you unlock the phone go to the folder labelled games. In that folder there is an app called code cracker. This app will get you past any security on Hectors computer. The app also appears as a genuine game. Make sure to the press the red button in the corner and not play game. The phone also includes several common apps to avoid suspicion. Examples include Facebook, Shazam, Angry Birds, and Candy Crush. Also this phone is a lot more durable than your average iPhone. The battery lasts a week and the screen is unbreakable. And there's a waterproof feature like the internet rumour, except this one actually works. A high tech car will not be necessary as this is a low profile mission and 007 will wreck it anyway. For transport you'll be renting a standard car from the airport. Are there any other questions about the Qphone? Good luck agents." Q said ushering us away.

We got into a cab heading straight for the airport. I was reading the file while 007 was staring out the window. He looked rather grumpy. We'd been stuck in traffic for the past ten minutes. Bond checked his watch and sighed. "Doesn't feel good does it?" I said to Bond in a mocking tone. Bond glared at me angrily. "Ah what's the matter Bond? Did Miss Moneypenny reject you again?" I teased. "Shut up!" Bond snapped at me. "You look grumpy; did you miss your nap time?" I teased again. "You think you're so clever don't you? I overlooked your cases; a moron could've figured those out. You're nothing but a lucky idiot." Bond said coldly. "Ah you took time out from shagging women to read my cases, I feel warm and fuzzy now." I joked. Bond grunted angrily. "Shut up you smart arse!" Bond snapped. "So I'm a smart arse now? But a minute ago you called me a moron. Did you forget to take your pills today?" I mocked. "You are the most annoying brat I've ever met!" Bond shouted. "You think I'm an annoying brat? Maybe you should look at yourself before criticising others." I said. "You're wrong! You're nothing but a know it all snob!" Bond snapped. "And you're nothing but a lucky sex addict with anger issues." I replied. "You're just jealous!" Bond shouted. "Again with the jealousy excuse; you do realise that's what 12 year old girls say when people insult Justin Bieber? At least use a decent comeback." I said. "I'm a far better agent than you!" Bond shouted. "You really think that? Exactly how many times have you compromised the mission to flirt with a woman? How many cars have you brought back that can be driven again? You're the worst agent at MI6. Your luck is all you've got." I explained. "If I was such a bad agent then why would they keep picking me for all the risky assignments! All of your assignments are child's play! Without me MI6 would be at its knees!" Bond shouted. "Alright calm down, do you need a snickers?" I asked jokingly. "Why would I need a bloody snickers!" Bond snapped. "Because you're a right diva when you're hungry." I joked. Bond's face went red with anger. "This is how it's going to work! You're going to shut your gob and I'm going to have a relaxing nap! Got it!" Bond shouted. "Maybe you should read the file, learn your alias." I suggested. "We both know I don't have time for those bloody aliases!" He snapped again. "Whatever." I sighed.

I spent the rest of the cab ride staring out the window. When we finally arrived at Heathrow Bond rushed out the car and slammed the door. We both grabbed a suitcase and entered the airport. At MI6 we all had a pre packed suitcase in a storage locker in order to save time when going on international assignments. It contained several changes of clothes as well as a few basic necessities such as a tooth brush and deodorant. I spent the flight reading the mission brief. We were in pursuit of a man called Hector Fernandez. He'd recently hacked into the MI6 database. He was in his 30s, average height, average weight, dark hair, and tanned. He works at a computer shop where he fixes computers and offers tech support. His file said he was part of a Spanish nationalist group. He spends his free time in a bar in Roldan. Bond and I were given the aliases of Nick Cook and Mike Russell; Father-in-Law travelling to Spain for Easter celebrations. I doubt Bond would use this however.

After landing at Alicante Airport we were issued a white Fiat 500 as a rental car. Bond wasn't pleased with this car and started arguing with the man. "Is this a joke? You expect me to drive this shitty car! I demand you give me a sports car!" He shouted. "Stop it Bond! Does it really matter what car you drive? At this rate we'll have no car." I reasoned. "Of course it matters!" Bond snapped. "Muchas gracias por el coche. Lo siento mi suegro es un poco loco." I said to the man, he laughed and gave me the keys. "What did you say to him?" Bond demanded. "I told him thank you for the car. Now come, we've got a long drive ahead of us" I said getting into the driver's seat. Bond then gave me a glare. "What do you think you're doing?" He asked condescendingly. "Getting into a car?" I answered confused. "I'm driving now move!" He snapped. "No thanks Bond; I'd like to get to Roldan in an undamaged car." I responded. "You know what; you can have this shitty car. I'm going to rent a decent car and I'll still get to Roldan before you since you drive like an old lady!" Bond snapped. "Fine go waste your money renting a fancy sports car." I said driving. "What a dick" I mumbled under my breath.

After about an hour's drive I arrived at the complex. I was given the keys to the flat beforehand. As I got out the car I felt the warm Mediterranean air. I wiped my forehead and entered the building. In the flat were 2 small bedrooms; both with double beds, a small kitchen, a moderately sized lounge, a small bathroom and a balcony overlooking a golf course. I stepped onto the balcony and gazed into the distance for a few minutes. I went back inside and changed out of my suit into brown shorts and a light blue t-shirt. I spent the next couple of hours researching the local area.

It reached 4 o'clock when I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door to see Bond with a young German woman. She was in her twenties, curvy, blond, blue eyes, dressed in a pink tank top and denim shorts. "Hallo, you must be Herr Bond's nephew. It voz very nice of him to take you in." She said in a thick German accent. "I'm sorry?" I asked confused. "Brandon now's not time for one of your silly games. He's always been joking around like this. Ever since I took him in when he was six." Bond said winking at me. "Wow really? You're unbelievable." I said scowling at him. "Vot? I do not understand ze problem." The woman asked confused. "Nothing for you to worry about. Just remember Uncle Jim that we're going to see Hector at 8 o'clock." I explained. Bond gave me a wink as he entered his room. "Herr Bond, you are so handsome!" She giggled as the door closed. I sighed and went into my room to have a siesta.

At 7:00 pm my alarm goes off. As I entered the corridor I see the German woman in corridor. "Hallo, it vas nice seeing you. I hope you have a good holiday, Tschüss!" She said cheerily as she left. I knocked on Bond's door. "Remember Jim, we're leaving in an hour." I reminded him. "Don't call me Jim!" He snapped. I showered then changed into black trainers, brown chinos and a white long sleeved Henley shirt. When it reached 8pm Bond came out his room dressed in the same suit from earlier. He was wearing a different tie though. As he entered the room there was a strong scent of aftershave. "Hey Bond I think you need to put on more aftershave, I don't think they can smell you in Madrid." I quipped. Bond ignored me. As we got to the car park Bond had a smirk on his face. He looked at my Fiat 500 then back at his silver Jaguar XK "Let's make this interesting. We'll race to the bar and prove who the better agent is. Loser has to buy the winner a round of drinks. What do you say?" Bond asked. "That is incredibly stupid and there's no way I'm agreeing to that." I responded. "What are you chicken? Scared to be proven wrong?" Bond said mockingly. "No, I just don't see how winning a street race proves who's a better agent. If anything it makes you look like a worse agent for putting lives at risk for the sake of your ego." I explained. Bond got an angry look on his face. "Why are you such a goodie two shoes? You think it makes you cool? It doesn't. It just makes you an annoying prick." Bond snapped. "Why are you such a reckless moron? You make everything into some kind of conflict to boost your ego. It's honestly a wonder you haven't gotten yourself killed. You are without doubt one of the luckiest men alive." I responded. "It's not luck, its skill. And it will be skill that gets me into town way before you!" He shouted rushing into his car and racing off.

When I arrived at the bar I saw Bonds car had been damaged; due to his reckless driving no doubt. It had a scratch down the side, a smashed head light and was covered in dust. Bond was leaning on his car with a big smile on his face. "Ha I won!" He gloated. "Yeah congratulations, you won a dusty damaged Jaguar and a hefty rental fine. Bravo Bond, bravo." I said sarcastically. Bond ignored my comment. As we were approaching the door I grabbed Bond by the wrist "Look Bond, last time we entered a bar you started a huge fight. This time let's try and do this without getting violent." I reasoned. "I know what I'm doing Colt. It's always worked for me in the past so I must be doing something right." Bond said snobbishly. I sighed. We entered the bar to see a large crowd. The room was filled with loud music and chatter. Bond went to get a Vodka Martini. I scanned the busy room and spotted Hector sitting at the table with a group of people. He was wearing a black button up shirt and blue jeans.

Bond returned holding a cocktail glass. Bond took a sip of his drink and grinned. "This is a good martini; by the way you owe me €20." Bond said. "For what?" I asked confused. "For losing the race; this martini is the taste of victory." Bond smirked. "Ok, firstly I never agreed to that. Secondly, why would you spend €20 on a Vodka Martini?" I replied. "If you want the best, you have to pay for it. And oh boy does this victory taste good." Bond smirked. "Well it's not a victory since I'm not paying for it; but congratulations for over paying for a Vodka Martini. Anyway back to business. Hector Fernandez is sitting at that table by the window. He's got a big group with him; I don't think it's wise to confront him tonight. Maybe we should go to his computer shop tomorrow." I suggested. "Oh don't be stupid. We're here this'll take two seconds." Bond said walking in Hector's direction. I tried to keep up but it was too difficult in the crowd. I watched from a distance as Bond started an argument with Fernandez.

All of a sudden one of Hector's friends punched Bond in the face. Before I knew it a huge brawl broke out. Hector ran outside. I swiftly followed leaving Bond in the brawl. Hector ran down several back streets. As he got to a dead end he pounded on a door. A man opened the door and Hector barged in slamming the door behind him. I got to the door and knocked, an angry Spanish man answered and said "He's jumped the window" And pointed to a window out the back. "Mucho gracias" I said panting and ran to the window. I looked out and saw a street, in the distance I saw Hector running down an alleyway before disappearing again. I stopped to catch my breath. It was no use trying to follow, Hector had already escaped. I left the man's flat and said "Los siento para problema" he shook his and stood grumpily with his arms crossed. "Damn it Bond!" I shouted. I slowly walked back to my car pondering what to do now. When I got back to my car I noticed Bond's car was gone.

I drove back to the complex. I saw Bond's car had been further damaged. There were a few dents, and 2 tail lights had been smashed. I entered the flat and saw Bond collapsed on the couch. He had 2 black eyes, a bloody nose and his knuckles were bruised. His white shirt was stained with blood. He had taken his jacket off, loosened his tie, and slightly unbuttoned his shirt. He looked awful. "Well that was clever wasn't it? Well done Bond, you definitely win agent of the year." I said sarcastically. Bond glared at me. "Where the bloody hell were you? I needed some back up against those men!" Bond snapped. "I was busy chasing after Fernandez since you gave him the perfect opportunity to escape!" I shouted. "And why would you do that? I could've used some help with that fight!" Bond shouted back. "I told you not to start a brawl! You started that fight I let you finish it! Meanwhile Hector escaped and now he knows we're after him! Great thinking giving him a head start!" I shouted. "Alright calm down, we'll go down to his flat tomorrow and arrest him." Bond said calmly. "And what if he's booby-trapped it? Or maybe he's hired a mercenary? Bloody hell you're careless!" I said annoyed. "Getting angry is only going to make things worse. You need to relax and everything will sort itself out." Bond explained. "Well that's a lot coming from you. But I guess you're right" I said taking a deep breath. Bond then got up and went into the kitchen.

He started preparing himself a vodka martini. "When did you get those?" I asked gesturing towards the alcohol. "Before when I met Olga. Now here's what's going to happen, we're going to relax tonight then we'll go to Fernando's place tomorrow." Bond said calmly. "His name is Fernandez not Fernando. But fine, I'm exhausted anyway." I said while yawning. I went into my room and collapsed on the bed falling asleep within minutes.

I awoke at 8 am. I went into the lounge, I started channel surfing. I heard Bond's door open and saw a tanned woman walking out. She had dark hair, and brown eyes. She was wearing a purple evening dress. She had her high heels in her hands. "Oh hi there." She said awkwardly. The woman was English. "Yeah, your mate said he'd explain everything. So I um, I have to leave now. Bye." She said leaving the flat. I sighed "Damn it Bond can't you go five minutes without pursuing a woman." I muttered. I spent 2 hours watching some mindless soap opera when Bond came out his room in a dressing gown. He yawned and sat on the couch. "I'm giving you half an hour to get ready. If you're not ready by half ten I'm leaving without you." I said to Bond. He grunted. I then showered and put on denim shorts and a turquoise t shirt. Bond was wearing Beige chinos, a black polo shirt and a grey linen jacket. Bond looked at me with distaste. "Don't you have any style?" Bond said gesturing at my clothes. "What's wrong with my outfit Bond?" I asked confused. "You're here on an assignment, not on a lads holiday clubbing." Bond explained. "Well we're supposed to blend in as tourists, not as international businessmen." I replied. "Whatever, let's just go." Bond said impatiently. "Oh by the way I'm driving." I explained. "Of course you are." Bond said sarcastically."

We arrived at his flat; the car park was empty apart from a suspicious van. Bond got out the car and slammed the door. I pulled Bond to one side. "Bond, I think that van is watching us." I whispered. "What van?" He asked confused. "The white van over there; I think this is a set up." I whispered. "You're being ridiculous. This sod is just some geek who fixes computers." Bond said in a snarky manner. Bond knocked on the door. "See nothing." Bond snapped. The van door swung open and 5 guys approached us. They were carrying baseball bats. "Oh shit!" Bond said. Bond had an angry look on his face. Another five guys entered the parking lot from the street. "Come on, we can take these muscle heads." Bond said eagerly. "Don't be foolish! We're outnumbered and they have weapons." I reasoned. Bond walked towards them fists clenched. I walked a few paces behind him. Bond punched one of the guys in the face, a guy behind him then swung the baseball bat into his side. Bond dropped to his knees and the first guy punched him in the forehead. Bond then fell on his back. A bout of laughter erupted from the men. "Jajajaja, tonto pendejo!" One of them of them shouted. One of them approached me. "Will you come peacefully, or will you get beaten like your friend?" He said in a thick Spanish accent. "No más violencia" I said raising my hands. "Good, you're not as stupid as your friend." He said with a grin. "Get in the van!" He shouted. I calmly got into the van. The men dragged Bond in then closed the door.

I was in the van for what was about an hour, but seemed like half a day. It was a very awkward drive. I tried to avoid eye contact with the angry thugs sitting across me. Bond was lying on the floor. I wasn't sure whether he was actually unconscious or just pretending to be to avoid getting hit. The van was like a sauna, I was wiping my fore head every few minute. After what seemed like an eternity, the van stopped and one of the thugs opened the door. I got out the van to see we were in a courtyard of a large Spanish villa. In the centre of the courtyard was a water fountain. North of the fountain was wooden double doors into the villa. South was a big gate metal gate. The villa was surrounded by 10 feet cream coloured concrete walls. The Villa was two stories and he roof had orange pantiles.

One of the thugs pushed Bond out the van and onto the ground. "Get up perro!" he shouted at Bond. The thug then kicked Bond. "I said get up perro!" He screamed. Bond scrambled to his feet. "Follow me." One of the men said leading us inside the villa. The interior of the villa was lavish. There were marble floors with several stone pillars. The walls were painted a light brown and had canvas paintings all over. There was a grand piano next to the French doors. There were several display cases with sculptures and expensive vases inside. The French doors overlooked a mosaic swimming pool. "This way." The man said leading us up a grand staircase with velvet carpet. We walked up the stairs and to the end of a corridor. Just as we reached a door, the man stopped. He frisked us then knocked on the door. The man gestured for us to go enter the room.

We entered an office, it had a red carpet, and the walls were dark green. There was a balcony overlooking the countryside. There was a man sitting at a desk with an iMac computer. The chair turned and there sat Hector Fernandez. He was wearing a cream suit with a light blue shit underneath. "Hello gentleman." Hector said with a grin standing up. "Alright Hector, just tell us what you downloaded when you hacked into the MI6 database!" Bond shouted. "Now Mr Bond, a bit of patience gets you a long way." Hector grinned. I let out a sigh. "Mr Bond I met last night, but you are new to me." Hector said looking at me. "As you already now, I am Hector Fernandez. You are?" Hector asked me. "I'm Nick Cook, my father-in-law and I are here for Easter." I explained. "You honestly expect me to believe that? That's a clever lie MI6 has given you. But it's not clever enough for me. What's your real name?" Hector asked again. "Fine, I'm Brandon Colt. James Bond and I are here to investigate a hacking that came from your address." I explained. Hector laughed. "You are too late Colt. For years England has been shitting on Spain. You sent that pirate Francis Drake to destroy our towns and steal our treasures! For years your country has been sending pirates to raid our navy! You've stolen our colonies! You stole a part of our country and called it Gibraltar! And now your people our coming to our country, eating our food, and living in our houses! Your government has been sent an email giving you 24 hours to pay for all the damage you have done to our country. We also demand all your people leave our country never to return. And give us back all our colonies including Gibraltar! If our needs aren't met then an email containing military secrets will be sent to terrorist organisations all over the globe!" Hector shouted. His face was red and angry. Bond just looked uninterested.

"Why do I always end up dealing with these nationalist nutters?" I asked rhetorically. "I am not crazy! The people of Spain just don't see how England has made our country into a toilet!" Hector shouted. Bond's fist launched into Hector's cheek. Hector fell on the floor and appeared to be unconscious. "Quick hack the computer! I'll keep an eye on Hector." Bond said. I used the Qphone to unlock the computer. Luckily Hector had bookmarked his email. I hacked into his email and looked for the email. "The email's not here! Damn it!" I snapped. "What do you mean it's not there?" Bond shouted. "Hector's email has nothing on here!" I shouted back. "Maybe he has more than one email." Bond suggested. "You know, that's actually not a bad idea. Good thinking Bond." I said. I highlighted the email tab and saw a second email address. "This looks more like a nationalist email address. I'm going to log it into Outlook." I explained to Bond. I hacked into his second email and there it was. Under scheduled emails, it was to be sent to multiple parties in 18 hours. I clicked the cancel button then deleted the email. I then searched Hectors computer for the confidential data he'd stolen. There was an encrypted file named ultrasecreto. After briefly examining what the data was, I promptly deleted it.

I got up and walked toward Bond and Fernandez. Fernandez was still lying on the floor. "Alright Hector, we've cancelled your email and deleted the confidential data. Your plan has been stopped." I explained. Hector then burst into laughing. "You think you've stopped me? You seem to be forgetting that you're in my house filled with my men! Even if you have stopped the email, you're not walking out of this house!" Hector screeched. "Ah crap, he's right Bond." I said nervously. "No he's not." Bond grinned. "I have groups of men all over this house with the same views as me! This isn't going to end well for you!" Hector shouted. Bond continued grinning. 10 seconds later two men stormed into the room. "Interpol! Put your hands behind your head!" The man shouted. "Mierda!" Hector shouted. How did you know they were here?" I asked Bond. "When Hector was blabbing on about his plan, I activated the tracking device and sent out an SOS signal. We are going to walk out of this Hector. And you're going to jail." Bond smirked. I was astonished. In the living room downstairs an MI6 agent was waiting for us. The agent debriefed and congratulated us. Bond then sat down on the couch. I walked up to him. "You know what James, you're alright. Sure you're careless and a little bit reckless, but you saved us at the end of the day." I said to him. "You're not so bad yourself Brandon." Bond said with a grin. "Wow, you two getting are along? I must be dreaming." Said the MI6 agent. Bond and I laughed.

After that day, James and I weren't so hostile with each other. It just goes to show that a bit of teamwork can help overcome many obstacles. Bond would greet me in the lift. He'd even occasional crack a joke. Bond actually respected me for once.

-End