Authors Note: Narnia belongs to CS Lewis , Crabbe and Goyle (you'll see) belong to JK Rowling and the Canon Keepers belong to the aboslutly wonderful JealousOfTheMoon and are used with her permission. The only thing I own is the plot.
So here it is. The squeal to An Antidote to Suspian and I've tried writing in the first person for a change (at least for a bit of it) so let me know what you think. Please note that my brain almost melted writing this so I hope you enjoy it. Also please don't blast me for the (numerous) spelling mistakes. I was writing this with the mindset of a Mary Sue/Suspian writer and we all know they can't spell to save their glittery pink lives. Anyway thanks go out again to JealousOfTheMoon for letting me play with the Canon Keepers. Now on with the story.
Happy Reading and May Aslan be with you.
When Susan Meets a Mary Sue.
It was a nice normal day and I (that is to say me The Author) was sitting in front of my computer reviewing my current projects when a large uncharacteristically bright portal (uncharacteristic because I'm not used to the sudden appearance of any type of portal bright or otherwise) appeared in the corner of my study.
Out of it poured six or seven people dressed in khaki jumpsuits with the legend NCK emblazoned across their helmets
"Hello" I said uncertainly. Uncertainly because you see this was the Narnian Cannon Keepers response team. A unit I had created in a moment of frustration at the rise in the number of Suspian fics. Now here they were standing in my room. Sufficed to say I was surprised.
"Hello" the Captain replied. "We need your help."
I sat for a moment in slack jawed amazement watching members of the NCK wander round my room poking at my stuff.
"You okay" the Captain said at last "you're awfully pale."
Running my hand through my hair I closed my mouth and gulped a few times. "Could you repeat that" I said eventually.
"We need your help."
"How?"
The Captain sighed before pulling out a chair and sitting down. "Well you see we, like you have noticed the unfortunate rise in Suspian" he shudded slightly "fics. Now we would like to do something but we can't."
"Why not" I replied. By this stage I had got passed shocked and reached interested.
"Well you see" the Captain continued "you created us. Without you we can't do anything."
"Umm" I said "actually I didn't. JealousOfTheMoon created the Cannon Keepers." I span round to face my computer "I can contact her if you like."
"No" the Captain replied "Jealous only created Cannon Keepers Inc. You created the response team. Without you we can't do anything. We need you to write us back into the world of CS Lewis Fanfiction so we can do our job."
"So what can I do?"
"Write something, preferably a Suspian parody which we can enter. That should give us a backdoor into the canon."
"But wait a minute" I said suddenly "you were already in the canon."
"Yeah. But we got cast out."
"What by."
"We're not sure but it felt like a particularly powerful Suspian story."
"With traces of CanonSue" one of the others said.
"Alright" I muttered bringing up a Word document "let's see what I can do."
Susan was walking down the street arm in arm with the boy from the newsstand (whose name happened to be Matthew) when she was hit by the distinct whiff of Touch of Pink (by Lacoste).
Next thing she knew there was an explosion of pink glittery smoke the sudden appearance of multiple (pink) butterflies, a snatch of cheesy pop music and then out of a no-where a girl dressed in jeans and a glittery halter top appeared. But not just any girl. This girl was breathtakingly beautiful (supposedly.)She had curves in all the right places, long flowing blond hair that shimmered in the sunlight ("wait a minute" thought Susan "it was cloudy a second ago") and her aquamarine eyes danced with laughter. She also happened to have a long silvery wand with a heart on the end.
I turned back to the Cannon Keepers who by this stage were crowded round my chair reading over my shoulder. "Do I have to write this drivel" I moaned "it makes me want to gag just thinking about it."
"It will be worth it" the Captain replied "and we'll cover the cost of the therapy."
"You'd better" I muttered before turning back to my computer.
"Who are you" Matthew gasped instantly releasing Susan's arm and falling at the mysterious girl's feet.
"Taht liek so doesn't matter" the girl replied "you're no where near hawt enough for me." Then with a tap of her silvery wand poor Matthew had disappeared in a puff of pink smoke.
"My spell check won't take this" I complained
"Get on with it" came the reply.
"Who are you" Susan said staring at the spot where her boyfriend had just been.
The girl preened "my name is liek Queen Maryanne Evelyn Jezebel Susanna XXVI. I" she preened again and shook out her long blonde curls "am the Queen of all Mary Sues. It's my liek appointed role as the cutest and most powerful being in Fanfiction to help out all Mary Sues in their search for tru luv. Now normally I wouldn't liek come anywhere near you but your a special case" she smiled sweetly "your a CanonSue."
Susan stared at her trying to work our exactly what this vapid bimbo had just said while figuring out her chances of escape at the same time. "A what?" she said eventually.
"A CanonSue" Mary Sue replied "ever since Prince Caspian came out and you kissed Caspian" she paused "Ben Barnes was so hawt but no where near as hawt as Will Mosley. Will" she whispered staring off into space.
"Excuse me" Susan said after a few minutes "you were saying."
"Yeah" the girl said "well liek I was saying ever since you snogged Caspian youve been written into loads of liek really cool and brilliantly written Suspian fics.
"Suspian"
"Susan/Caspian" the girl replied with a withering stare. "But then those Canon Keepers showed up and liek completely wrecked are fun."
"Umm" Susan tried to remember the girl's name but found it had too many consonants so went with a shorter version "Mary Sue I don't remember any of this."
"Liek of course you don't. You had your memory liek washed or something. That's why I'm here" she smiled brightly and a couple more butterflies appeared "I'm going to get the two of you back together." Then without warning her arm shot out and she tapped Susan smartly on the forehead with her wand.
A vapid look spread over Susan's features "Caspian" she gasped "I have to get back to him. But Aslan said I was never to go back to Narnia."
"Tahts liek what I'm here four" Mary Sue replied grabbing Susan's arm. The next second the pair had vanished in a fanfare of cheesy pop.
"I think I'll mention you guy's now" I said to the Canon Keepers who were littered around my room drinking coffee and munching doughnuts. "My brain needs a break from all this Mary Sue rubbish."
"Whatever" the Captain said pouring another sugar into his coffee "you're the writer."
At that same moment in a place outside of time and Fanfiction the Narnian Cannon Keepers were sitting round their headquarters swapping stories of amusing Sue incursions.
"So" Carter said a massive grin lighting up his face "I get there and instead of untying Jewel the Mary Sue is tying a pretty pink halter around his neck.
"Priceless" Matthews said wiping tears from his eyes "so what did you do."
"What do you think" Carter replied "I untied Jewel and let him deal with her. Nothing get's rid of a Sue quicker than an angry Unicorn"
Before anyone could say anything else there was a familiar ding and looking over to the doorway they saw the automatic doors separate to reveal a very familiar figure on the other side.
"Queen Susan" the NCKs all cried leaping to their feet "to what do we owe the honour."
"I'm sorry to show up unannounced" Susan replied "but it seems like my movie verse counterpart is in trouble again. She's going after Caspian."
"What" the Captain said "but we dealt with that."
"I know" Susan said with a sigh "but we reckoned without those dratted Mary Sues."
"Don't tell me they've got involved" the Captain breathed taking his helmet off and running his hand through his hair.
"I'm afraid so. I need you to go after her again. And make sure the changes stick this time."
"Immediately your Majesty" the Cannon Keepers said before checking their supplies and disappearing in a swirl of crimson smoke.
With a burst of pink smoke and butterflies Susan and Mary Sue appeared in the courtyard of Cair Paravel. In the distance they could see a crowd and a familiar figure.
"Caspian" Susan squealed "but why's he blond, and who's that with him."
There was in fact someone standing next to Susan's beloved Caspian. This someone was tall (though slightly shorter than Caspian) with long wavy blond hair and pale skin. They were also female.
"Stupid Canon Keepers decided blond was liek well canon" Mary Sue said petulantly "don't know why. It so doesn't work with Ben's skin tone."
"What. About. The. Girl" Susan growled an angry gleam in her eye as she watched Caspian kiss this interloper on the cheek
"Some star's daughter" Mary Sue replied "she doesn't even have a name."
"They look happy" Susan muttered.
"Not for long" Mary Sue cackled grabbing Susan's arm and dragging her through the crowd "Caspian" she called when they reached the front of the procession "liek stop."
"Who are you" Caspian said surprised to find a tall (very loud) blonde girl standing in front of him.
"I am Queen Maryanne Evelyn Jezebel Susanna XXVI" Mary Sue replied "and its liek my job to bring you together with your tru luv."
"But I'm here" Ramandu's Daughter interjected.
"Oh liek shut up" Mary Sue said "I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about her" As she said this she pointed her wand at Susan who was standing just behind her a simpering smile on her face.
"Queen Susan" Caspian said shocked at her appearance "what are you doing here. Are your royal brothers and sister with you?" This was as far as he got before Mary Sue gave him a firm whack with her wand and the same soppy look that covered Susan's face spread over his own.
"Susan my love" he cried pushing Ramandu's daughter to one side and rushing up to embrace the Gentle Queen "you have returned."
"Yes Caspian" Susan replied returning the hug "and now we shall never be parted." Over Caspian's shoulder Susan saw Mary Sue cross her arms and check her nails a contended smile on her face.
Suddenly Susan felt herself being pulled away from her beloved King. Twisting round to see who had grabbed her she saw a familiar khaki helmet with the letters NCK written across it.
"You again" she muttered struggling to break out of the grip of the Cannon Keeper.
"Sorry your majesty" the Keeper replied "we thought we were done the last time. Turns out your more resilient than we expected."
"Let me go to him" Susan screamed as Caspian was dragged away once more this time accompanied by Ramandu's daughter who flashed a triumphant smile at Susan as she rounded the corner.
"I'm afraid we can't do that" the Captain said stepping through the portal. He reached for his radio and contacted the Keepers with Caspian "Carter, you and Tyler wipe Caspian's memory" he sighed "again. Make it double strength this time."
"What about Ramandu's daughter."
"Wipe hers as well" the Captain said after a brief pause "wouldn't do to have her remembering this."
"Aye aye Captain" Carter replied.
The Captain turned back to the Keeper who was restraining Susan who was still muttering about her "beloved" Caspian. "Matthews" he said "you and Jones take Miss Pevensie and straighter her out. Triple memory wipe and a full implant. She is to remember none of this."
The Keeper nodded "What of the boy"
The Captain sighed "contact base and have Jameson track him down. This" he gestured to the angry looking Mary Sue behind him "thing can't have sent him far."
"What about…her" Matthews said staring at the glowering Sue "She looks powerful."
"I'll deal with it" the Captain replied cracking his knuckles "you take care of the Queen."
Matthews nodded before pressing the button on his belt and disappearing.
Taking a deep breath the Captain turned simultaneously pulling out a small silver tube which at the press of a button turned into a full sized quarter staff. "So" he said staring directly at the Sue "end of the line."
"I don't liek think so" the Sue replied brandishing her wand it what she thought was a threatening manner "I am Queen Maryanne Evelyn Jezebel Susanna XXVI and you can never stop me."
"Oh please" the Captain replied twirling his staff a few times "who do you think got rid of Queen's Maryanne Evelyn Jezebel Susanna one though twenty five"
"I am the most cute and powerful figure in Fanfiction" Mary Sue shot back sending a few sparkles at the Cannon Keeper.
The Captain strode forward batting aside sparkles and butterflies as he went "that's what they all said" he said a grin spreading across his features "and they all ended up in Harry Potter fics paired with Goyle."
Mary Sue gasped "you liek wouldnt" she squeaked.
"Depends how much you've annoyed me" the Captain said shooting down another butterfly "if you put me in a really bad mood I'll make it Crabbe."
The Sue shot another couple of sparkles at him "why won't you luv me" she moaned.
"By the Lions Mane do you never learn" the Captain growled tapping his helmet "anti-Sue shield." He pushed a button on his belt and a glowing red portal appeared behind the Sue. "Now I believe this is your ride out of here."
"No" Mary Sue screamed "I will have my happy ending."
"Oh put some sparkles on it" the Captain snapped before shoving the Sue through the vortex. Grabbing her wand he snapped it over his knee before throwing it after her. Then closing the vortex he sighed and went to join Matthews.
"Everything going well." he asked as he stepped through the portal into Susan's bedroom.
Matthews nodded and gestured over to where Susan was sitting a pair of headphones clamped over her ears "I've got her listing to the Prince Caspian audio tape. Should get rid of any movie verse related thoughts."
The Captain nodded "what about the boy?"
"Jameson found him in a dumpster two streets over. He's being dealt with as we speak."
The Captain took off his helmet and ran his hand across his forehead "right then. You stay here till everything's sorted here then I'll see you back at headquarters"
With that he put his helmet back on and returned to base ready for a large cup of coffee and just maybe a jam doughnut.
After saving the story and submitting it I turned around only to find that my room was empty again. The NCKs had vanished leaving behind them only empty coffee cups and what looked like Greggs the Bakers bags.
However when I returned after clearing up I found a note on my desk that read.
Dear wallACEwho.
Thank you for your assistance today. It is pleasing to discover that there are still writers out there who care about the Canon. Please pass my thanks on to JealousOfTheMoon for her part in this endeavour.
As a sign of our appreciation please accept the attacked gift. I hope we can rely on you in future.
May the Lion Be with You.
CS Lewis.
Attached to the note was a small silver NCK badge. Putting both badge and note in my pocket I returned to my computer a contented smile on my face.
The fight was still on.
Please Review. It helps me improve.