Summary: When change comes, people forget. What happens when they forget that there's a thing called 'boundaries'? Who will remind them? Yuri.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Maria-sama ga Miteru or any of its characters.
Rating: M for adult content, coarse language, and sexual content.
You Forgot It In People by The Denominator.
Dedicated to those who help me remember it.
So, Sei
"Why don't you come with us, Satou?"
Sei looked up from her paperback, grinned and winked in that way she had perfected over the years, succeeding in her mission to make the other girls think she was being cute (one actually said right then "I love when she does that! It's so adorable!"). It was good enough to make it appear that she had even considered their soliciting when really she had no intention of going anywhere with them.
"Sorry," Sei said, still grinning, wondering briefly if she should trademark it and make millions off of it — it had done her worlds of wonders all her life.
"Don't tell us you're busy again," one of them said.
"Sorry," Sei repeated, knowing at any point her attention could dip as her responses to these girls had become automatic. "I really can't come tonight. I need to catch up on some studying."
They'd buy that weak protest, she knew.
"Fine, fine," another one sighed. "But you can't say we didn't ask. See ya, Satou."
Sei watched as they left the Lillian University common room, and headed off into the night and — she knew — to that place Sei would never make herself present. Again. She had made the mistake of going there once, one particular weekend Kei had been off to visit her father and stepmother and she was left fending for herself.
Sei wasn't even sure how she didn't notice that she went inside a gay bar.
Having nothing to do that night and deciding to go for a drive seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe check out some new clubs or anywhere interesting that was not her room in the dormitories. She found a place in a decent neighbourhood, well-lit, moderately lively, then parked and went inside. It was loud, was the first thing she noticed. She looked around and began sizing it up. And she saw that something was... wrong.
Oh. No.
That girl from her British Lit class in Lillian was there, spotted her at the entrance and dragged her in to mingle with two others she figured also were from LU. Sei's first reaction was to turn around and find her car — to just get the hell out of there. But that was to no avail. Despite knowing only one of them, that one made sure the other two got their fill of Satou Sei. They surrounded her, bombarded her ('Satou, I didn't know you swung like that'!, 'Which classes do you have together'?, 'She's so cute. Hey, do have white in you, Satou? You don't look very Japanese'.) Sei hardly had time to answer any of them, especially with the noise forcing her to shout and especially when words were choked up in her throat. They dragged her to the bar and ordered a round.
I guess I might as well have a few beers while I'm here...
She could not see what the big deal about a gay bar was, and why people seemed so enthusiastic to go to them. She had those beers. It tasted the same as it did in any other bar. It tasted the same as something she could pick up at the grocery.
And for less money, too.
The music was not different — the same incoherent untz crap you could hear at any other dance club was pumping.
Play something I like.
She looked around. Seeing some women kissing was not a shocker — straight girls got just as rowdy with one another in other bars when they had one too many jello shots. And she knows what went on in empty classrooms, the bathroom stalls (and sometimes greenhouses) back in high school.
All of them.
Really, as Sei thought about it, nothing was all too different and she could not see what the Big Fucking Deal was. So then, what was this feeling of utter patheticness?
She talked on and off with the three girls (or Those Three, as she had come to call them). She watched as they went off to dance, had a drink with them when they got thirsty and nodded when they went back off. And that was all Sei tried to do. As soon as they disappeared from her line of vision, her eyes went straight to her beer bottle, finding new ways to admire the packaging and learning briefly about the history of the brewery it came from; it was imported, and it did not taste that bad when she first tried it, though the bright colour reminiscent of urine almost deterred her. She'd always preferred darker coloured lagers. She tried concentrating on the music. But it was nothing she knew, nothing she particularly liked, and even though a different tune had started playing, she was sure it was just the same song, this time with a rock n' roll beat.
It's a trick. They're tricking you all.
Being of course Satou Sei, the ultimate trickster of them all, she would not be fooled.
No way.
It was when someone took a seat next to her, that she swore she would not go to that bar ever again. The stranger started talking to Sei. There was no way she could ignore her. So she did not. Sei was polite and charming. It would be against her nature, her upbringing, her education now to be rude to someone. She thought if anyone had dragged her to a bar like this back when she was fifteen, sixteen or even seventeen, she would have set the place on fire and curse them all for being so… for being so...
Stupid?
Maybe.
Honest?
Perhaps.
Lonely?
Yeah.
Desperate?
On the money!
She managed to hold down a decent enough conversation with the woman, offering to buy her drink, kindly refusing to dance ('Two left feet, you know?') and asking about inane things. 'Where do you go to school?', 'What's your major'?, 'Do you like beer in the bottle or in the can better?' Sei even found that if she tried hard enough, she could manage to be funny to this woman. She was definitely trying her best. And when Sei ran out of things to amuse both herself and the stranger with, she started to worry. And it was when that woman started gearing the conversation in that 'Let's go somewhere quieter' direction, Sei was never happier to see Those Three, one of them looking as though she spent the evening puking in the bathroom or was ready to. They were headed towards the exit. Sei got up — hopefully not too fast — and bid her adieu, apologising, 'Sorry. I'm their ride'. And Sei followed them close behind until they got into the parking lot where she called out to them and then offered them a drop back to the dorms which they readily accepted because they took a cab to get there. Cab fares were ridiculously overpriced, after all.
When they got back to the dorms, Sei helped Those Three tote the drunken and mumbling one back to her room and said goodnight to them, hoping it would be the last time she'd interact with any of them outside of discussing Pope or Milton. She went back to her room (roommate was nowhere in sight) and sat down on her bed, dead tired. Her temples throbbed and she wondered just how many beers she had that evening.
There was that one with Those Three… and then I had another when they went off the first time… and another when…
It could not have been that much, she ruled out. After all, she had been sober enough to drive back home and even drive carefully enough not to have that girl upchuck in her backseat — which she silently thanked God for; she could handle a crash, but she did not know how she would have managed with vomit.
She put herself to bed and laid there, closing her eyes, hoping to get the images of that club, Those Three and the woman out of her head.
Sei sighed and shut the paperback, rubbing her eyes. The ordeal still left quite a nasty impression on her. She had been so ashamed of herself; she could not even bear to tell Kei what she had done when she had returned and asked, 'So what did you do while I was away?' Sei managed to tell her that she tried a foreign beer, made in a little brewery on a small island off the coast of Venezuela — after reading the label so many times, she had it committed to memory — and that was all she had done. That, and several hours sleeping.
No, Sei could not breathe to anyone who knew and respected her what she did because it was so... She could not tell a soul that she had been in the lions' den, unarmed and with no God to pray to and ask for Him to shut their gnashing, powerful jaws.
That's not true.
There was someone she could tell. The only soul she could tell. Only one person whom she trusted enough to utter her failings. And it was her. She could tell her anything.
And it was Yumi
"Would you like that I send a car for you?" Ogasawara Sachiko asked.
Yumi shifted the phone to her other ear. It was getting numb, and she was sure it had already turned a brilliant shade of pink from pressing the phone against it.
"It's really all right," Yumi said, laughing. "I've already made my plans and got a ride."
"You have?"
"Yes," Yumi explained. "I'm going back home this weekend, then Sei's picking both me and Yuuki up at my parents' and we'll come at your place together in her car."
"Oh, yes. Of course. It's good to see that you are quite organised, Yumi."
"Well, you should give Sei more credit. When she got her invitation, she called me and asked me to be her 'date' for the evening."
"Yumi, you should not indulge Satou Sei in such a fashion."
"She's pretty harmless," Yumi said, smiling. "And thinking about it logically, I guess it would save a lot of extra effort if I just came with Sei, anyway. On everyone's part."
"Yes. Yes, I see. I hope to see you soon, Yumi."
"Me too," Yumi answered, feeling her heart swell a little.
Onee-sama.
"You really have been doing well, yes?"
"I have. That's maybe the third time you asked me that for today."
"I can't help but be worried. You are out on your own."
"In my school dorms," Yumi corrected.
"I still think you should be wary…"
"Well, when you see me, you'll find that I'm still in one piece. No missing limbs, no chipped teeth, all organs functional."
"You have become quite a teaser, Yumi. Touko had mentioned it, but I did not think it was quite that bad."
"Touko just misses me," Yumi said, laughing.
"She sends her regards, and asked that I tell you that she will not be attending."
"Why not?"
"Do you forget, Yumi? Her exams are approaching."
"Oh, I did forget."
"You are still a little absent-minded, aren't you?"
Yumi frowned at herself, remembering the letter sent to her a week ago from Touko indeed telling her about her preparations and not being able to write as much in the upcoming weeks in the midst of the insanity of approaching university entrance examinations.
"Oh! Kashiwagi is well too, right? I'm sorry, I forgot to ask earlier," Yumi blurted out, hoping it wasn't too late to straighten her tie for Sachiko.
"Suguru's come down with a cold recently, but he should be fine for the night of the party."
"That's good."
There was a knock on Yumi's door.
"Sachiko? I'm afraid I have to go now — my study group's arrived."
"Yes. I will talk to you soon, Yumi."
"Bye."
Yumi waited until she heard the line go dead, to move the phone away and pocket it in her jeans. There was another knock, and someone called from outside the door.
"Fukuzawa! You alive?"
"I'm coming!" Yumi shouted.
"See!" another muffled voice shouted from outside. "You guys owe me, I told you she was gettin' busy!"
Yumi grimaced.
She shouted at them while hoping her face was not flushed, "Shut up! That's not funny!"
"Hurry it up, Fukuzawa! All the good tables will be taken if we don't get there soon!"
Yumi grabbed her pile of books on the desk and headed out the room, immediately scolding them all for making lewd jokes at her expense. The group — now made five with Yumi's presence — made their way along the halls, heading to the stairs to get out of the dormitories and to the library.
"What took you so long, Fukuzawa?"
"I was on the phone with my onee-sama," Yumi explained.
"I thought you only had a brother?" someone asked.
"No, you moron," another one quipped. "That's what all those prissy-pants all-girls' schools force their students to call the upperclassmen, right?"
"Hey, I went to an all-girls' too!"
"That explains why you and Fukuzawa are so stuffy!"
Yumi grinned.
"Better prissy than lax," Yumi said, fixing her books in her arms comfortably.
"Oh! Sister Fukuzawa's going to take back her blessings, all, watch out!"
"Mother Superior jumped the gun!" one of them started wailing in English, imitating a song they had heard playing on the stereo system during the last dorm party they had gone to.
Yumi scowled good-naturedly at the remark — she'd got used to the banter — but did not join in on the singing as two others in the group had taken it upon themselves to do. It continued that way, loud, cheerful, all the way to the library where they then had to fall silent as they entered the actual building. They found their usual spot near a large window, and set up what they playfully called their "equipment", over the table. They started to work, and Yumi knew it would only last maybe a half hour before they got distracted and started throwing paper balls at each other. Yumi had quite enjoyed the relaxed environment at university. There was nobody watching. Absolutely no one.
Maybe that might not be such a great thing, though, Yumi thought, tapping the end of her pen against her temple as she stared at her textbook. There should have been someone watching THEN.
Though she tried to block it out, the memories of that night came flooding back, over the pages of her text, all over the table and over her classmates' books as well.
It had been the third dorm party she had gone to that week. Yumi had been surprised during the first one, at the nature of these events, but she had quickly got over it by the second. It was going to be the third and she felt better prepared for it. She was safe — her study group thought she was, much to her chagrin, 'sweet and innocent', and saw that they stuck around her lest a pervert was on the loose and hungry for a Catholic schoolgirl.
Third time's the charm.
Yumi was having a good time. She had nothing alcoholic to drink (she'd tried the beer before and decided that drinking piss in a can was not going to be any sort of past-time for her) and sat in a group telling anecdotes about their high school days. On more than one occasion, a clearly intoxicated boy kept asking her increasingly vulgar questions about Lillian. 'You liked your onee-sama, yeah?', 'You get it on with any of the other girls?', 'You Catholic girls like it rough, right?', until they threw him out of the group for being distasteful.
She was not sure what time it was, but more people had started getting drunker and more restless by the second. She'd notice they started playing folk music and singing along to it. Badly.
They must be wasted.
She told her classmates that she was going to pack it in for the night, and that no, she did not an escort back to her room, that she was a big girl. She made her way down the hall, littered with bodies either passed out or just laying in the way to be obtrusive, and a few couples carelessly kissing right there on the floor. She had finally made it back to her room. She did not bother to change her clothes or even turn on the light. After locking the door, she threw herself on her bed, hoping her roommate was not disturbed by her entrance.
Yumi was nearly asleep when she heard a loud banging against her door. She was still groggy, but she made out her roommate's voice on the other side, swearing, as she was most likely (drunk) struggling to open the door.
Oh… so she was still out.
Yumi rested her head back on her pillow and closed her eyes, ready to let sleep take her once again. She heard her roommate bustling about the room, cursing, banging into things until Yumi finally heard the bedspread rustle, indicating that she had found the bed. And for a few more minutes, Yumi thought she could enjoy sleep until she heard it.
No.
She heard the grunting.
No. She can't be…
Then she heard the moaning.
This isn't happening.
Yumi continued hearing the noises until it hit her hard in the stomach that there was more than one voice in the room. She had thought her roommate was by herself but then she started hearing them both—'Ah.', 'Harder!', 'Fuck.', 'Unh, right there.' and 'God!'
Yumi did not care if they saw her. She grabbed her pillow and dashed out of the room, closing the door as quickly and quietly as she could with her trembling hands. Her heart was beating against her body, and it hurt, hurt more than it ever had. She clutched the pillow closer to her and looked down the hall. Less kissing couples, more passed out people. She wondered frantically of where she could go. She thought of the people in her study group. But that was all they were. People in her study group. As much as she liked them and as much as they liked her, they were not close enough for her to go to. Yumi slumped down to the floor, leaning against the wall that was opposite her room's door. She looked at the door, as if it were strangest thing she had ever seen. She hugged the pillow tightly, burying her mouth and nose in it, breathing in the comforting scent of fabric softener.
Mother Superior jumped the gun.
When she had stopped panicking so badly, she opened her eyes and looked around, watching the sleeping people. They looked so peaceful for a moment that she almost forgot that right before they had fallen asleep, they were being drunk and stupid. But the ones who were left had laid there by themselves, their lonely hands intertwined with a bottle, not someone else's hand. And for that moment, Yumi's heart ached for them all.
Some people, Yumi came to understand, were the sort you should never leave alone. Being alone, worse, being lonely, could be or was devastating to them.
They're like… Yumi struggled to come up with a euphemism.
She furrowed her eyebrows in thought, looked out that large window, looked out to the brighter day, trees and sky.
Wilted roses.
Loneliness was suffocating. It was terrifying. It was crushing. And what were humans if they were not the most fragile things on God's planet? Delicate, easily bruised and quick to perish like a rose — and just as pretty. Yes, they were pretty little things that needed constant affection. A steady flow of affection so that they would not dry up.
There was one woman she knew that was the case with. A certain Rosa.
Her cell phone went off disrupting her reverie. She jumped a little, and she pulled it out off her pocket, and saw it blinking and vibrating in her hand.
"Don't panic, Fukuzawa. It's on Silent."
"I want a phone like yours! God, I heard it vibrating from all the way over here."
"You are totally gross, you know that? Stop teasing Fukuzawa."
Yumi quickly excused herself from the group and headed outside the library, and answered.
"Hello?"
She heard her name and a greeting being said by that voice; a familiar one that made her smile and frown — it just depended on the occasion. This time, it made her smile.
"Sei."
Sachiko
Ogasawara Sachiko did not bode well with nightmares. She had seen far worse things in reality and thought it craven of these images to seep into her sub-conscious and try to scare her there. The truth of the matter was: Ogasawara Sachiko did not fear nightmares. Rather, she hated them. She did not wake from one with her heart pounding and a thin film of sweat on her forehead as she had seen happening when she was being driven by Suguru and feared both the loss of her life and upset stomach.
No. That was never the case.
She always awoke feeling irritated, bordering downright mad when she had an unpleasant dream.
If you want to get me when my defences are down, well, surely you can all try a little harder than THAT, she would think.
But as of late, she started to see evidence that maybe they did take her up on that offer.
She had bowed probably for the hundredth time that evening, greeting people as they all gave her and Suguru a 'Congratulations on your engagement'. Suguru did not seem to be as pleased as she was — after all, their parents throwing this party was a symbol that no, they did not care for objections and yes, the two of them are to be married — but he was ever the gentleman, and sometimes, when no one was looking, he would gently squeeze her hand and smile, silently telling her 'It's okay, Sa-chan. We can get through this.' Though she found it hard to smile in return, she hoped the sentiment that she was grateful for his words did not bypass him completely.
And when all the guests had arrived, she then parted with him knowing the only time she would ever see him again for the rest of the night was when it was time to say goodbyes. But she had important things to do. Yumi, of course, had come to the engagement party. She had looked around for Yumi. She was not in the ballroom, or anywhere were the guests had gathered inside her stately home. So she headed outside to see if she was outside on the lawn with some of the others. She had met Rei along the way and asked for Yumi's whereabouts. Rei responded that she had not seen Yumi for the evening. And Sachiko did not bother to ask Shimazu Yoshino, for she knew the younger woman had probably been following her cousin around for the evening and would therefore know as little as she did. She found her onee-sama sipping a cocktail and engaging a well-dressed young man — Who are you, sir? I have never seen you before in my entire life, Sachiko thought — in conversation. Sachiko waited until the young man went to freshen both his drink and Youko's when Sachiko took the opportunity to speak with her.
"I hope the evening has been faring well."
"Yes, it has been," Youko replied.
"You are enjoying yourself, then?"
"I am. That fellow is a lawyer. He was telling me about his firm."
He most likely inherited his position, onee-sama. He most likely has not a drop of talent in the field. He most likely has not a drop of sense in his head.
Youko went on to tell her that he seemed a little daft and it made Sachiko smile. She asked for Yumi. Youko gave her a vacant look before responding that she had seen her last with Sei, inside the house. Sachiko thanked her and left when the gentleman had returned with the drinks. Youko continued to humour him.
Do not drink that, onee-sama, Sachiko thought, and felt victorious as she watched Youko hold the drink in her hand, never once putting it to her lips.
She went back inside, through the crowd, feeling irritated that she had to stop and converse with people all the way there — she was, after all, the bride-to-be, and this was, after all, her engagement party. Still not finding Satou Sei or Yumi anywhere, Sachiko decided to change the setting of her reconnaissance. She headed to the guest bedrooms.
Why would they be there?
The Ogasawara manor encompassed both modern European style of architecture, as per her grandfather's wishes (he grew up during the era where trousers were more respectable than a kimono) and a traditional Japanese style, as per her father's wishes (he thought it was fashionable to return to one's roots). So there were two types of guest rooms in the house. Traditional Japanese, complete with sliding doors and tatami, and modern European with beds and more importantly, lockable doors.
Surely, they must be trying to get away from the noise.
Sachiko slid back door after door, the servants stopping to ask her 'Miss, is everything all right? May we assist?' She could not find them. She headed over to the bedrooms. She was trying to avoid going there. She opened a few doors and looked inside. She did not worry about seeing some not-so-surprising things. After all, the locked doors were the occupied ones. She reached the last open door in the hall, ready to give up on ever finding Yumi. She entered the room and tried to turn on the light but it refused to work.
I have to tell someone about this.
Sachiko closed the door behind her. She moved to the bedside table through the darkness and turned on a lamp. It was not very bright but she saw that the bed was still made and everything else in the room seemed to be in order, not knocked over and in broken pieces.
So no one has used this room as yet.
There was no one in the bedroom, so she figured she could stay there for a while just to clear her head and get away from all those people. She wondered momentarily how Suguru was faring. She went into the adjoined bathroom and turned on the light in there, closing the door behind her once again. She went to the sink, and let the water run. The sound comforted her a little. She glanced at herself in the mirror and saw that she was frowning. She did not know how much more of this she could take.
She shut the water off and decided to head out of the bathroom and send her now-collected self back to the party.
What's that…?
She waited behind the door, only cracking it open slightly when she heard noises coming from the bedroom. Whoever it was, they did not seem to see the little trickle of light streaming from the bathroom where Sachiko was hiding, or it was that they simply did not care.
How do I leave?
Sachiko peered through the crack of the door, pulling it in a little when the bedroom light came on.
How did they get it to work?
She heard laughing and speaking. 'So school's been good?', 'Why'd you bring me here?', 'Private lessons. Can't have you falling back in university, right?', 'You're awful.'
No. Not them.
Sachiko tried not to watch as she saw Yumi walk over to the bedside table — right in Sachiko's line of vision — and pick up one of the little framed pictures of landscapes then look at it. She had half a mind to run out there and call for Yumi but she withheld, withheld when she saw Satou Sei sidle up behind Yumi and wrap her arms around the younger woman's waist.
"You can't keep your hands off me, huh?"
"You like it."
Sachiko willed herself to go deaf.
And before she could do anything about it, she saw Sei start brushing the girl's loose hair away from her neck to start kissing the back of it. Or rather, not kissing. Sachiko thought it looked a little like Sei was trying to draw blood. Yumi gasped — Sachiko blinked — and saw that the young woman had grabbed onto the bedside table with both hands for support as Sei continued to push her weight into her.
Turn off the light, Sachiko willed.
But Sachiko had seen (no matter how hard she tried to look away or close her peering eye; it was to no avail) Sei unzip the back of Yumi's dress.
Stop it. She looked nice. That dress suited her.
The dress fell to the floor and Yumi was left standing in her underwear. Sei brought her — Do not do this to me — hands to Yumi's chest and cupped a breast, fondling it, much to Sachiko's displeasure and Yumi's…
She is enjoying that.
She watched as Sei's free hand slipped itself into Yumi's underwear; it was then both Yumi and Sachiko had to keep from crying out — pleasure, pain, and for one of them, both. Sei's hand was teasing her, tracing inside Yumi as she continued to press kiss after kiss into Yumi's thin back. Sachiko could see the little protrusions of the vertebrae in her spine as Yumi leaned forward. She saw Yumi's hands tremble and clutch the edge of the table, as though it and Sei were the only things keeping her from collapsing. Yumi's eyes were glazing over. Sei's forehead was resting on a shoulder blade and Sachiko could not make out the expression she wore. Sachiko wondered what sort of spell Satou Sei had used on Yumi.
Sei moved her hand from the breast, and managed to undo Yumi's bra with that one hand and her teeth. The bra fell to the ground and Sachiko almost did not want to take her gaze off it, to let her eye travel back to Yumi and see her bare. But it did. Sachiko saw Yumi's small breasts being handled by Sei — Get it off her, PLEASE. Sei kneaded the soft flesh and then after a while, and Yumi gasped as Sei took her nipple and rubbed it with her index and thumb. They continued moving in a rhythm, almost like an odd dance. Sei's hand pushed into and teasing Yumi, insulting Sachiko with the offensive bulge it created in Yumi's underwear. Yumi accepted the entry so hungrily, hurting Sachiko with her willingness to be taken by such a woman, with her open desire for Sei's fingers to be in her body so badly that she would take them right there in the Ogasawara's household…
You have no right to touch her there.
Yumi was always cute, Sachiko knew. It was strange that even under the circumstances, the girl managed to make such delightfully adorable noises. She whimpered, but not enough sound fake. Sachiko knew what faking sounded like. It meant, in the long and short of it, that Yumi was enjoying Sei.
There was heavy breathing from both of them. And each time Yumi uttered Sei's name, Sachiko felt as though she were being hit in the stomach. And when Yumi came, Sachiko nearly fell to the tiled bathroom floor, exhausted as well. She saw Yumi's shuddering body lean into Sei's embrace. Sachiko wondered why God had forsaken her, why she still had sight when any merciful, benevolent Creator would have seen it fit to end her misery with blindness. She saw Sei pull her (You traitor) hand out of Yumi's panties, two of her fingers gleaming a little in the light. They were wet.
Yumi had turned and started kissing Sei, wrapping her arms around the taller woman's neck and drawing her in. Not breaking the kiss, Yumi's hands travelled down Sei's neck, past her shoulders, over her breasts — Sei shook a little, Sachiko noticed — past her sides and down to her waist. Yumi, her mouth still working against Sei's, began undoing the front of Sei's pants. Sachiko felt something inside her palpitate and she felt ill. She tried to comfort herself the only way that came to mind.
She saw Yumi smile at Sei and lead her to the bed, making her sit on the edge.
We forgive those who have trespassed against us
She saw Sei's pants flung away to the other side of the room, and Yumi slowly pulling the other woman's underwear down her thighs, past her knees, until it hung by an ankle.
lead us not into temptation
She saw Yumi kneeling on the floor like someone ready to say their nightly prayer, looking up at Sei who then cupped Yumi's face in her hands. Yumi's own hands held Sei's knees and moved them, parting Sei, letting her be open to her. Sei leaned back a little, laced a hand and its fingers into Yumi's hair, used the other hand to prop herself up, and let Yumi kiss that place between her legs.
deliver us
Yumi's head dipped slightly, Sei thrust her hips out gently. Again, they were taking up another rhythm. Sei's hand occasionally tightened noticeably around Yumi's hair, tugging it, until she made an almost guttural noise, when she then released the tight grip and let Yumi go back to work. Sei was breathing deeply, mumbling things that sounded not dissimilar to curses, while Yumi continued to give her head.
Amen.
Sachiko awoke. She sat up in her bed and looked around. She was not in her guest bathroom, it was not her engagement party — that would take place in several hours after the sun rose properly — and she had not seen Satou Sei have sex with her petite soeur.
Sachiko graciously ignored that her heart rate had picked up a little.
Youko always a Rosa Chinensis
Mizuno Youko liked humouring people. Everybody had something to say, and even if they were things she heard already, everyone had their very own way of saying it. So hearing the upper-crust young man at her table rave about the Japanese international economic relations only surviving because of exporting used cars, nuclear power and that fat, mushroom-ingesting, moustachioed plumber (who was not even Japanese, he did not forget to add) was not so much of a painful experience as it should have been.
They had all just finished toasting Sachiko and Suguru for the soon-to-be union of the Ogasawara and Kashiwagi Groups.
Or rather, the union of their loins, Youko thought, smirking almost bitterly.
There were many things she was able to get Sachiko to do — quitting her endless amount of after-school activities, becoming her soeur, to name a few — but the one thing she could not have done for Ogasawara Sachiko was get her out of an arranged marriage with Kashiwagi Suguru. It was beyond her and anyone else's power.
But maybe she could have done it, Youko speculated, looking over to another table where Fukuzawa Yumi sat, speaking quite animatedly to Satou Sei.
Yes, Youko knew. If there was anybody who could move the mountain that was Ogasawara Sachiko, it would be little Yumi. As Youko continued listening to the the man's monologue about the Japanese language being in danger of extinction with the influence of foreign television, she glanced over at Sei.
Sei.
Sei's eyes were intent on Yumi, her expression something akin to contentedness, as they continued a conversation Youko could not hear, that she was not part of and may never be. Not when Sei was thoroughly ignoring everything around her that was not Fukuzawa Yumi. From where she sat, Youko could see those grey eyes light up even as the rest of Sei's countenance gave no impression of being so fully enamoured with whatever escaped Yumi's lips.
Can't fool me, Youko thought.
The dinner was spent answering frivolous questions, having two glasses of champagne ("Why yes, I'll have another, thank you.") and glancing at Sei. Once, Sei had caught her eye and winked, but went straight back to Yumi.
You haven't changed, have you?
When the dinner was over, the guests were asked to head outdoors to enjoy drinks and conversation.
"Miss Mizuno?" the young man asked.
"Yes?"
"Would you care for another glass?"
Youko supposed he would love another glass, seeing as he had spent the last fifteen minutes rambling on about nothing, and even spent the dinner hardly eating a thing just so he could continue talking. He went off, leaving Youko for a well-appreciated few minutes. In that time, Eriko approached her, her companion in tow.
"Good evening, Eriko, Yamanobe," Youko greeted.
"Youko! It's been a while," Eriko said.
"Hello," Yamanobe responded, trying not to seem so awkward in his own body.
He was just as Youko had remembered him, except his beard was trimmed a little neater than he usually had it.
"Trust the Ogasawara family to go all out, huh?" said Eriko.
Youko smiled, "I'm sure it was all Sachiko's father. Aunt Sayako actually prefers smaller gatherings from what I remember."
"I suppose. Have you seen Rei and Yoshino?" Eriko asked.
"Yes, they are indoors still, I believe."
"I'm going to find them. I'll talk to you, Youko."
With that, Eriko left, dragging Yamanobe along by his arm. The young man returned. Youko had almost wished that he had got lost somewhere along the compound with the drinks. She sipped the champagne he had given her tentatively. And when the young man went on to start talking about the new earthquake shock-resistant design they used on the high-rise building next to his office, Youko thought she could relax and have her drink. Perhaps his intentions were not as impure as she had initially thought.
He's an idiot. He wouldn't know what to do if I threw myself at him. He'd probably start talking about the appeal of the red-light district to the middle-aged man.
So as he continued his tirade on the faulty shocks on his building, Youko started to drift away in thought. She was starting to feel a pleasant tingle in her fingers and toes, and she gave credit to the Ogasawara Group for their top choice in quality alcohol. She wondered briefly if Sei was off somewhere enticing Yumi with the wonders of wine.
Youko closed her text and rubbed her eyes. She had re-read the same page for what had been the third time, and the words still were not staying with her. She blamed it on being excited for Sachiko and Suguru's party. After all, how often did one's androphobic petite soeur have an arranged-marriage to her clearly homosexual cousin who had no intention of impregnating her and producing a progeny which was the whole reason for their union in the first place.
Not as much as one would think.
She remembered talking to Sachiko earlier, asking her if all the members of the Yamayurikai had responded to the invitations. Sachiko replied, rather astutely 'Yes, Satou Sei will be coming.'
Youko looked at her clock — it was not too late — and she HAD an excuse.
She picked up her phone and dialled Sei's number. It rang a few times until Sei had answered, a little groggily as though she was just ready to go to bed. Youko apologised for calling late.
"S'okay, Youko No big deal. I just got off the phone with Yumi, actually," Sei replied. Youko then said that she was simply calling to remind Sei that she had a party to attend the following day, don't be late.
Sei had laughed on the other end, "You think I'm that forgetful? Besides, I'm Yumi's ride. She'd kill me if we were late to get to Sachiko's."
Youko nodded.
Yes. Yumi.
When she hung up (really, she had nothing to more she could say to Sei) Youko settled into bed, lying on her side, looking out into the darkness. She could still hear Sei's voice resonating. It had been a while since she had spoken to her. And Sei herself was not the sort who would call people just to ask 'How are you? I pray all fares thee well.' It was all intents and purposes with that woman, however questionable those intents and purposes might have been.
Sei.
Youko's hand searched under the covers.
Sei.
Youko's hand slipped into her underwear.
Sei.
Youko's hand stroked.
It was not the first time, and as much as it hurt to think it, she knew it would not be the last. Not when Satou Sei remained the most incorrigible romantic she had ever seen. Not when Satou Sei liked to entertain the idea that she was a flirt, but truly believed that there should only be One Girl for her. A One Girl who was not Youko. No. It was not going to be the last.
Youko groaned, arching into her own touch. She buried her face into her pillow, clenching her teeth, trying not to cry out. She felt herself — warm, wet — and wondered why in God's name could Sei not find in herself to touch her like that.
Yumi.
She knew. Youko knew too that Sei knew. What made her upset was that Sei did not even want to make a move on Yumi either.
She's still terrified of the women she cares about.
Youko brought herself to orgasm, hard, clutching her sheets in a fist, gasping into her pillow to kill the sound of her ecstasy. Her hand remained inside her underwear until it started feeling uncomfortable and she took it out. She slowly got off her bed and headed to her bathroom to wash away her weakness.
"Don't you agree, Miss Mizuno?"
"Unfortunately, I'm afraid I don't," Youko answered, smiling amiably.
She took a long drink from her glass. Before he could go on, Youko saw Sachiko approaching her.
"Miss Ogasawara!" the young man said. "Congratulations on your engagement."
"Thank you," Sachiko replied. "May I have a word privately with Miss Mizuno?"
Youko smirked. The man nodded dumbly. They went off a-ways until they were out of his earshot.
"That would make it the four hundredth time for this evening?" Youko asked playfully.
Sachiko sighed.
"It has been… tiring," answered Sachiko.
"It's one of the pains."
"Have you seen Yumi?" Sachiko asked.
"I believe I saw her last with Sei," Youko answered and she saw a dark look pass across Sachiko's face.
"Thank you."
"Do you want to tell me something, Sachiko?" Youko asked. "Or do you want to keep it festering in the back of your throat?"
Sachiko looked at her perplexedly for a moment before she sighed.
"It's nothing," Sachiko said. "I was just wondering what could have amused both Yumi and Sei enough to leave the garden."
"They enjoy each other's company," commented Youko. "It's only natural."
"Can Yumi not enjoy my company?" Sachiko asked quietly and if Youko wasn't addled with a little champagne, she thought, bitterly as well.
"Can't Sei enjoy mine either?" Youko quipped. "I've asked myself those questions before, Sachiko. There aren't any answers I suspect either one of us would want to hear."
"Yes," Sachiko agreed. "Yes, of course."
Youko took a sip of her drink. Evening out its effects over the course of the evening would be a good strategy.
"Is it… wrong of me?" Sachiko asked finally.
"Wrong of you?" Youko contemplated aloud. "Hmm, I don't suppose so. I would say, Sachiko, that you either do something or you don't. What you decide is what's best for you."
Sachiko nodded slowly.
"Make sure," Youko continued, "that your decisions don't cause anyone other yourself harm. And if you can really manage it, don't get hurt either. But that's a long shot, isn't it? You don't normally get both."
"Thank you again," Sachiko said, smiling a little. "I will be off then."
Youko watched as Sachiko headed back inside the building. She finished her drink and headed over to one of the tables, mostly to lose herself in the crowd. Youko had signalled to a waiter to get her another drink, when she heard it.
"Youko!"
She froze. She looked for the voice. It was her.
"Youko, you're going to stare at me all night and not say anything to me?" asked Sei, approaching her.
"Sei. Where's Yumi?"
"Somewhere," Sei said, shrugging. "What, do I look strange without her clinging to my arm?"
Yes. Yes, you do.
"I just thought she would have been with you. Sachiko was looking for her," Youko explained.
"Yeah, we saw Sachiko and the Ginkgo Prince inside, so Yumi's off 'onee-sama!'-ing and whatnot," Sei said.
"Your drink, Miss," the waiter said, producing a glass.
"Oh, why thank you," Sei said, taking it from him and before he could speak, Youko simply ordered another one for herself, "Great service."
Youko got her drink, and she and Sei made small talk — more so Sei making fun of various toupees and some gaudy jewellery — until they were both done and gave their glasses back.
"Ladies and gentlemen," announced a voice.
Everyone's attention was being drawn to Sachiko and Kashiwagi. Yumi was not too far away, and she looked at Sachiko with pure adoration.
"Miss Ogasawara Sachiko will like to say a few words..." the announcer continued.
"Let's go for a walk," Sei said suddenly, taking Youko's hand and leading her away from the garden.
"But Sachiko's about to—"
"Oh come on," Sei said grinning. "We've heard this speech a thousand times in our nightmares. And it's not like she's going to mess up and give us all a good laugh."
"Fine," Youko said, feeling her heart speed up and her fingers tingle where Sei held them.
Sei took her away from the crowd, from the garden to the walkways in the grounds. Youko had always remembered the Ogasawara compound having park-like qualities. She found out about it through other means than Sachiko who always kept silent about her family's wealth. But just seeing acres of land reserved just to have some greenery in Tokyo... it's no denying that her petite soeur had come from and lived in money. The grounds were very, what the Westerners would call, "rustic" during the day. But it was night, and it was breathtaking. The paths were alighted with old English style lampposts giving off a duller light than floodlights would have. It was hauntingly pretty. Sei let go of her hand after a while and shoved them inside her pockets. They continued walking until they no longer heard the echoes of a speech, faint music or chatter from the party.
"Why'd you bring me here, Sei?" Youko asked.
Sei stopped walking to look at Youko quizzically.
"For a walk. Do you want to go back?"'
"No. I just thought you had something up your sleeves."
Sei laughed.
"Okay, I see what you mean," she said. "Romantic walk amongst trees, away from civilisation. I'm sorry, Youko. I didn't mean it."
"I know you didn't," Youko said, feeling her stomach cut. "It's not your fault."
"Youko? What's wrong?"
Youko was quite aware that her face had fallen. If she was a lesser woman, she would have broken down in tears. But she was Mizuno Youko, once Rosa Chinensis, soon-to-be lawyer, and a fool madly in love with Satou Sei.
"Sei."
"You look sad Youko," Sei said cautiously. "You never look sad… what's wrong?"
"There's nothing wrong with me," Youko said, smirking and causing Sei to look at her curiously. "There's something wrong with you."
"With me?"
"Yes."
"What's wrong with me?"
"You're stupid."
"I know that," Sei said, pretending to be serious.
"Don't joke with me," Youko said, resisting the urge to smile.
"Give me something to work with. Anything, a sign, Youko," Sei challenged. "Go on. Let this idiot know what's going on with a big fluorescent sign with blinking bulbs."
Youko reached out and kissed her. Sei's lips remained rigid against hers, but they were warm. God, they were warm.
"There's your sign," Youko said pulling away.
Sei looked at her blankly.
"Why did you do that?"
"Because you're stupid," Youko answered.
Sei looked at her, her expression still placid until she spoke.
"Is that what you want from me?"
There was no other answer she could give. She nodded.
"Stop pretending you didn't know," Youko said as a sad and guilty expression crossed Sei's face momentarily.
Sei then looked off into the sky, at the ground — anywhere but her — contemplating something she was not privy to, which was quite a surprise considering Youko had always prided herself on knowing exactly what everyone else was thinking. Sei sighed, long and deep before looking at Youko.
"Okay then. I'll give it to you," Sei said.
She reached out, hesitantly, and stroked Youko's face.
Look at you — can't even pretend that you want this.
"I wanted to be someone else while we were growing up. Have you ever felt that way yourself?" Youko asked.
"Sometimes."
"I wished I was Yumi."
"Yumi?" Sei asked, a little too quickly.
You've been caught, Satou Sei.
"I saw how you used to watch her," Youko went on, "How you used to touch her. You always stayed far away from people. It was so strange to see you reach out for someone. To see you need someone. And it was her."
"Youko…"
"You like her, don't you?"
She saw Sei's expression change, not going blank this time, but it shadowed something that looked a bit like fear.
"You like her a lot, right?"
Sei pulled her hand away, almost angrily.
"God damn you, Youko," Sei muttered. "What the fuck did you drink?"
"Disguises don't work on me, Satou Sei."
"Why not?"
Youko watched as Sei pinched her nose and shut her eyes. She felt that way sometimes too. Making it stop from early on was a wise thing to do.
"I thought you liked me, Youko?" Sei asked, her voice wavering.
"I do. Very much. I'm quite fond of you, actually," Youko answered, laughing lightly.
"What's with you? I just rejected you. Don't you ever cry?" Sei asked gruffly.
"There always has to be a strong one," Youko said. "Two criers are no good for each other. And you've always been a cry-baby."
"Right."
"You shouldn't be upset."
"Why?" Sei asked, impatiently.
"She likes you too, you know."
Sei paused a minute before responding quietly.
"I know she does."
"You do?" Youko asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Of course I do. I've known it for years. I just hoped she never took me seriously all this time."
"I don't think she thought you were playing, Sei."
"What do I do with her, Youko?"
"Why don't you go talk to her about it?" Youko suggested.
"I thought about that. I don't think we're both ready to discuss it."
"You like what you have with her now, don't you?"
"Yeah. I do."
That was something she always liked about Sei.
"And what do I do about you?" Sei questioned.
Youko sighed.
"You don't have to do anything. If I forced you to do something you didn't want to do, I have a feeling that I'd hate myself for it later on. But…"
"But?" Sei asked.
"A parting gift," Youko said, quietly.
Sei breathed out. She blinked, and Youko noticed her eyes were wet. Sei got closer to her.
"I can do that much," she said, holding Youko's face with both hands, this time earnestly, affectionately.
Youko tried to remember it all; the feel of Sei's hands, those dry fingers on her skin, warm flesh on her own. Yes, she found it much easier to commit to memory than page 106 in her textbook. It was a kiss with lips, and then with tongue as Youko felt weak and Sei felt kind. When they parted, Youko looked up at Sei.
Something's wrong.
Sei was looking ahead of her, behind Youko. All the colour in her skin seemed to have vanished. Youko turned around. Yumi stood in the middle of the walk, looking at them both with astonished eyes and her mouth open slightly as though she was about to say something.
"I-I'm sorry for interrupting," Yumi mumbled, "I was just looking for Sei and… I'm sorry."
"Yumi," said Sei, her voice sounding weak.
Yumi bowed a little and hurried off.
"Youko… she saw," Sei said, looking a little panicked. "She saw what I did."
"Go," Youko said, pushing Sei in Yumi's direction.
"What?"
"Go."
Sei gave her a look that Youko couldn't quite place, and then nodded. She went ahead, not even looking back.
But that's how she is, always, Youko thought.
She touched her lips and remembered the conversation she had with Sachiko earlier about decisions. It was strange that she had not heeded her own advice. Youko waited for a few minutes before walking back to the party.
And it was Sei again
Sei found Yumi, walking along another path. She had not gone back to the party like Sei had assumed. When she was close enough, she called out to her.
"Yumi!"
Yumi stopped, turned and looked at her. She waited until Sei caught up with her and then continued walking.
"Yumi, what you saw…"
Yumi smiled at her. As someone who had been mentally documenting every facial expression the Fukuzawa girl made, Sei knew it was forced.
"You didn't tell me you were seeing Youko, Sei," Yumi said.
"I'm not," Sei explained quietly.
"Oh? Well, you shouldn't kiss people if you don't mean it," Yumi said, laughing. "And don't worry about me, I've seen people kiss before."
Don't be like this.
"Yumi," Sei said bluntly. "You like me, don't you?"
"Of course I do."
"No," said Sei, "You like me. Don't you?"
Both stopped walking. There was silence.
Oh God, was I wrong? Sei thought frantically.
"How'd you know?" Yumi asked quietly, and Sei breathed a sigh of relief.
"You can't hide anything from me, Yumi. And it didn't help that you ran off when you saw me with Youko."
"I suppose," Yumi said, looking at the ground.
"I want to clear something up."
"What?"
"I didn't mean to kiss Youko."
Yumi looked at Sei and her eyebrows went up.
"You didn't mean it?"
"Okay, that wasn't what I was going for."
"And don't say it was an accident," Yumi said, sounding a little angry. "That'll make it worse."
"It wasn't an accident; I knew exactly what I was doing."
"So what do you want from me, Sei? You got a kiss out of Youko, a confession out of me, why are you still here? Shouldn't you be looking for another girl to win over?" Yumi asked bitterly.
Sei frowned.
"I want you to hear me out."
"I'm listening," Yumi said.
"Are you really?"
"I am."
"Are you really?"
Yumi sighed. She looked at Sei with that odd (sad, that's what it was) expression for a moment and answered.
"Yes. I'm listening."
"It's you, Yumi," Sei muttered.
"Me."
"It's you. It's always been you."
"What are you talking—"
"You. You. I always wanted to kiss you," Sei said, her heart pounding hard in her chest. "I want to kiss you."
Yumi looked at her strangely, as though twenty-odd thoughts were running through her mind at the same time.
"Sei?"
"Yeah?" she asked weakly.
She was glad Yumi did not run. If she did, she would not have a reason to chase after her. Telling a girl you liked her right after kissing another was not very promising, after all.
"Let's go somewhere we could talk," Yumi suggested.
Sei nodded. Yumi started walking ahead, following the path back to the manor. She could not bear to walk beside Yumi. No matter how much she thought herself a daredevil, the truth was she was just as afraid as anyone else. And she was terrified right then. They manoeuvred through the crowd once they returned to the party. The one thing Sei did not have to worry about was her face; her expressions were narrowed down to two when she was in public: disinterested or happy. She could not care less which face she was wearing at the moment; whichever one it was, at least, would not show the world that she was scared chicken shit.
Yumi led them through the house and to the guest bedrooms; Sei remembered the route from the few sleepovers Sachiko hosted for the Yamayurikai. They still had not said a word to one another. They found an open room and got inside. Yumi locked the door behind them and leaned against it. Sei looked at the shorter woman anxiously.
"Yumi…"
"Sei, you said you want to kiss me?"
"Yes."
"Is it because… is it because you have feelings for me?"
Sei knew she could say it now. She always wanted to say it.
Here's your chance, Satou.
"Yes."
"And is it because… I have feelings for you?"
"Yes."
Yumi looked her in the eye.
"I can't," said Yumi.
Sei had figured that much. If they were really meant to kiss each other, they would have done it a long time ago.
"Sei. I can't kiss you. You're my best friend. I can't imagine doing something that might ruin our relationship. Even if I really… really…"
"Wanted to?"
"I want to," Yumi whispered.
Sei's throat tickled.
"But, we can't, right?" Sei asked, grinning weakly.
Yumi shook her head.
"We could. But we'd lose something."
"What if we got something better, huh, Yumi?"
"What's better than this?" Yumi asked, voice cracking, going over to Sei, grabbing her arms. "Tell me, Sei. What can be better than what we have right now?"
Sei breathed.
"Nothing," she answered, "You're right, Yumi. You're absolutely right."
Then it was Yumi
They found a place to lay down on the bed in the guest room. Yumi's smaller hand was intertwined with Sei's larger one as they both looked at the ceiling. Yumi did not care if she was rumpling her dress and Sei did not seem to care much for the state of her clothes either. After their conversation, they both seemed to be a lot more tired than they realised, and not quite ready to face other people. They decided to rest, and talk a little more about it. Yumi accidentally looked at the light bulb, and it sent a frenzy of black and purple spots dancing in front of her eyes. She rubbed them with her free hand.
"So why did you kiss Youko?" she ventured.
"She wanted me to kiss her."
"I think that's an awful reason. Don't you understand the meaning of the word 'boundary'?"
Sei laughed, "Really now? I don't think Youko cared for your little 'boundary' theory. She's a woman who knows what she wants. And she doesn't regret her actions; she does everything her own way. So if she wanted a kiss — and she wanted it — she would have got one anyway. I just helped her out."
"But you don't really like her like that. Don't you think that'll hurt her?"
"If she wants to be hurt by me, that's her business. She made up her mind Yumi. And I learned a long time ago that I can't match wits with Youko; she's so damn headstrong, it's irritating."
"You're stubborn yourself," Yumi commented.
"You're right," Sei paused before going on. "And honestly, another reason I kissed her… it's because of Sachiko."
Yumi puzzled over this for a moment. Did Sei kiss Youko out of jealousy over Sachiko?
"But she's just my onee-sama — I'm not in love with her," Yumi responded, looking at Sei momentarily before returning her gaze to the ceiling.
"Oh, ho, ho," Sei chuckled darkly, "I didn't say anything about that."
"What are you talking about?"
"Sachiko's gone for you, you know that?"
Yumi sighed. She did, but she had hoped no one else had noticed.
"Yes, I know that," she answered. "So, Sei. Let me get this straight. You kissed Youko because Sachiko likes me? I guess it happened. Your brain has finally melted."
Sei snickered, then explained, "Now use those big ears of yours to listen up. I couldn't lay a finger on you because of Sachiko. It's clear that she cares for you. I felt that if I did something, it would have been like kicking her to the floor and rubbing her face in it, you know? Like, 'Ha, ha. Sachiko! I get Yumi and you get nothing!' I didn't want to do that to her."
"I guess your brain's not totally melted then," Yumi said softly.
"But say, Yumi. Why'd you never fall for Sachiko?"
"Who said I didn't?"
"Ha! I knew it! God, I should have bet money on that — I was so dead-on," Sei said wistfully.
"No joking," said Yumi, pouting. "And I'm not going to tell you anymore."
"Oh come on, tell me more."
"No, you're making fun of me."
"Please, I won't tease you for a whole three minutes, how about that?"
Yumi smiled.
"Okay."
"So, Yumi. You were telling me about your secret desire for Ogasawara Sachiko. Just let me get out my tape recorder."
Yumi groaned before going on, "I had a big crush on her during high school. I guess it was obvious."
"You don't say…"
"It hasn't even been three minutes yet, you jerk," Yumi said, "but be quiet and listen. I grew out of it. It was just a crush. And when I realised that she really liked me, I was glad I stopped liking her."
"Why's that?"
"If Sachiko and I ever acted on our feelings Sei, do you know how awful it would have turned out?"
Sei sighed.
"Yeah," she said, "it would have been pretty bad."
Yumi nodded.
"So that's why I couldn't keep having feelings for her. It would have hurt her even more than it's hurting her now."
"Did Sachiko try to make a move on you?" Sei asked. "Ever?"
"Sometimes I think she came close," Yumi thought audibly. "But I don't think Sachiko would ever cross that line."
"The big bad Ogasawara? Clearly she won't be able to run that business if she won't take life by the dangly bits and give them a good tug."
"Is this how an LU undergraduate speaks?" Yumi asked, making a face.
"Nah, just the interesting ones."
"And Sachiko would make a good president of her company."
"I know, I know," Sei said, "she loves a challenge. But I think she threw in the towel with you."
"Why do you say that?" Yumi asked.
"Because Sachiko knows that she already lost."
Yumi frowned.
"A challenge is one thing, fighting a losing battle another thing. Sachiko would go that far. But losing flat out... I say Miss Ogasawara has accepted defeat," Sei concluded.
After that, they both remained quiet. Yumi occasionally heard people trying the door, but it was locked so they could not come in. She tried to ignore Sei's comments about people outside getting the wrong idea about what was happening on their side of the door. Sei was playing with Yumi's fingers, and Yumi let her. Sei's fingers were longer than hers, a little rougher than hers, but they were gentle, gentle in a way Yumi had never known. Sachiko's own hands were beautiful. But they were not like Sei's. The contact Sei made then was, at least, a lot tamer than the pretend-groping she used to do back in high school, when Yumi had figured out that Satou Sei enjoyed touching her and no one else. She wondered how both she and Sei could be so blatant about their feelings, doing things that screamed that they wanted each other but doing things that simultaneously said nothing, empty things that said nothing at all.
"You know… I think we would've been perfect for each other," Sei said suddenly.
"Maybe," Yumi agreed, "I've actually tried to see myself with you."
"Really? You've thought about it?"
"Sometimes," Yumi replied, feeling her ears go red.
"When?" Sei asked her.
"Mostly when you've been sweet to me," Yumi answered softly.
Sei smiled, though (Yumi knew) not happily and lightly squeezed her hand.
"I shouldn't have been, then," she said. "I should have been like Sachiko."
"Sachiko?"
"Then you'd be head over heels for me," Sei explained.
"Maybe. Maybe you're right," came Yumi's response before she ventured to ask, "and did you… did you ever see me the same way?"
"I'm crazy about you," Sei murmured, "I thought about you… more than you want to know."
It was Yumi, then, who squeezed Sei's hand.
"Isn't that strange?" Yumi added.
"I think if we actually were together," Sei began, "if we had… if we had been physical—"
"Are you talking about sex?" Yumi asked bluntly.
Sei smiled at her and asked what it was exactly that she had been learning in university.
"Yeah," she continued, "I think if we had sex, it'd be good, you know."
"It might."
Yumi wondered what sort of idiot she was for passing a woman like Sei up. It took all her might to remind herself "This is your closest friend. And that is just sex. Which would you rather do without?"
"You would have been careful with me, wouldn't you?" Yumi asked, knowing the answer even if Sei did not respond.
Sei nodded, and answered, "You'd be my princess."
Yumi shook her head in exasperation.
"And how many people have you used that line on?"
"Just you."
"It doesn't work. And, well, I haven't done it yet," Yumi said. "Being with you might not have been such a bad idea. You could lead me. Heaven knows you're such a lecher."
"You haven't slept with anyone?" Sei asked, sounding a little surprised.
"No, what do you take me for?!"
"Oh," said Sei dryly.
"What about you?"
"Me?" Sei asked.
"Yeah, you."
"There was this girl…" Sei said, recollecting out loud.
"So you have," Yumi accused.
"Yeah."
"How was it?"
"Good," Sei answered honestly, "she knew what she was doing."
"Really?" Yumi said, glad in way that she had met someone along the way.
"She went to a public high school," Sei added, grinning.
At this, they both laughed aloud, remembering the Sisters' litanies about the sinful girls in Public Schools.
"Were you scared?" Yumi enquired.
"Dead terrified."
"Where'd you meet her?"
"I went to a seminar over the summer," Sei said flatly. "We met there."
"What happened to her?"
"Well, we don't have sex anymore. Nor do we talk anymore."
"Why not?" Yumi asked.
"It wasn't going anywhere. I couldn't see it going anywhere. She wanted a casual relationship—"
"Oh, no," said Yumi, shaking her head.
"Eh?"
"You and 'casual romances' don't mix."
"You think you know me that well?"
"I do! You're the serious type — don't deny it," Yumi said firmly when she saw Sei open her mouth to give a rebuttal.
"Serious? When am I ever serious?"
"Sei. Don't deny it."
She watched as Sei sighed.
"Okay, okay. You're right. I mean, Shiori. That was more serious than the Pope's funeral."
"Don't make jokes like that."
"Fine."
"I have to ask, though," Yumi pressed. "Why did you sleep with that girl, then?"
"I thought about it. I came up with the answer — I don't quite like it, but it was the only reasonable one."
"And it was?"
"Honestly, I was desperate. And lonely. I didn't want to feel… lost. But after her, I promised myself I wouldn't do anything so foolish like that ever again. I wouldn't let those feelings ever get the best of me," she said and then added, making a face. "Again."
"And you stopped talking to that girl because…"
"Because it got hard. There's one thing I'll admit: having sex with someone is like breaking a dam."
"And that's bad?"
"No, no. Sometimes it's good. Just mostly it's bad."
"So…" Yumi thought aloud.
"So?"
"We're doing the right thing then, aren't we?" she asked.
"I guess. I don't want a repeat of that."
"And you should never have sex with your friends," Yumi said, wondering who were the first brave souls who tried and tested the theory so that the rest of the world would later benefit from the knowledge.
"You think… you think that maybe, we might just work though? If we tried dating?"
Yumi frowned.
"We get along great, even you have to admit," Sei continued, and Yumi noticed, her grip had tightened around her hand.
"We do," Yumi agreed.
"I think the problem with that woman and I was that we hardly knew anything about each other. And I don't think either of us was willing to learn more, for that matter. But, it's different now. You know me. And I know you. You think it will work?"
Yumi did not hesitate to answer her.
"It won't. We're best friends."
"There are best friends who fall for each other," Sei reasoned, apparently not deterred by Yumi's words. "They get married and have kids or just live together."
This time, Yumi had hesitated before giving a reply. She turned her head on the pillow and looked at Sei's profile. Sei stopped staring at the ceiling and looked at Yumi. Yumi watched those grey eyes, watched them long until she saw a flicker of concern, and then answered, smiling gently at Sei. Sei eventually relaxed, and returned a smile as tender as the one Yumi had given her. It hurt just a little to actually say it. It made her so damn happy (so fucking sad) to say it out loud.
"But we aren't like them."
Just both
"Will I see you again?" Sei asked, almost hesitantly.
This was not like saying goodbye to that other girl. In fact, Sei had mostly forgotten about her. Save for the nights when she (much to her ignominy) craved another's touch. Save for those nights. But she had a memory, and she had an imagination, and she had a dexterous hand. It was easier to slip Yumi into those nights than she had initially thought.
"Of course," Yumi replied, looking a little surprised.
Sei smirked and continued.
"No, I just thought… I just thought that you would be running to the hills after this to get away from me."
"I wouldn't."
If there was one thing Yumi could not bear, it would be negative repercussions to her confidence in Sei. It was the most precious thing they shared — that ability to speak to each other unabashedly, with courage, and with the feeling that "Here is someone who cares about me and what I have to say."
"I'm glad."
"Just what do you think I am, Sei?" Yumi laughed quietly.
"Short," Sei answered, ruffling the top of Yumi's head.
Her hand rested there, touching Yumi's head, and when the smaller woman's usual reaction (shaking Sei off) did not happen, Sei took it upon herself to stop the contact. Yumi, apparently, did not want it to stop. And from what they agreed to do, they had to stop. Sei figured she could start from now.
"Sei."
"Yumi, let's go back," Sei said, not wanting to the situation to digress to weakness, because she knew, between she and Yumi, who the stronger one was.
Sei figured out a long time ago that she was just tall for nothing.
"Come on."
Sei turned away from Yumi and headed to the door. Yumi watched her back — When had Sei's hair grown longer? she noticed briefly, When did she change? — watched as Sei got further and further away from her.
Don't cry, Yumi thought.
Her eyes burned.
Don't do it.
She felt something warm streak down both sides of her face.
Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.
Yumi felt her stomach go weak.
Don't — Sei. Don't go.
Sei had her hand on the brass doorknob, ready to turn it, when she heard a noise. She turned back around and saw Yumi's head hanging, her shoulders shaking just slightly, and her hands clutching the material of her dress.
"Yumi."
Sei went back to where Yumi stood, and reached out, touching Yumi's wet face gingerly. She did not have the time to ask anything, to even make another move or process another thought, when Yumi flung herself into Sei.
"Sei," Yumi cried, grasping the front of Sei's shirt tightly.
Sei hated this feeling. She could not do anything for Yumi, could not stop her tears and could not stop whatever hurt she felt. She kept cradling Yumi until her heaving died down, until she felt the burn in her own eyes go away.
"Why do we have to be such great friends, huh?" Yumi asked finally, supposing that it was a question she would always be asking herself (happily and bitterly) from then on.
Sei made a noise that was a half-laugh, half-sob.
You really asking that, kid? she thought.
"It's awful, right?" Sei offered.
"I don't want us to change," Yumi said quietly.
Sei realised that maybe she did not, even after all that had happened, want it either. She would blame it on the part that was called her "brain" and on the entity that was known as 'good sense'.
"We're just too good together, right?" Sei added.
Got it in one go, congratulate yourself.
Yumi's arms rounded Sei's body, clutching her back.
"Sei."
Sei could feel Yumi's thin fingers press into her skin, and she wondered if God would be kind enough to let them leave an imprint, some sort of reminder that Yumi had indeed touched her. Sei took Yumi's face in her hands which were shaking a little (she hoped Yumi did not notice) and lifted it so she could see those pretty, brown eyes. Only they were now bloodshot red, but still, they were pretty.
You're pretty.
Sei wiped Yumi's tears away and kissed her cheek, tasting the trail of salt.
"I can at least do this... right?" Sei asked, feeling as though her lungs were going to collapse into themselves.
Yumi closed her eyes. She nodded.
"And I can still hold you like this... right?" Sei asked, one hand leaving Yumi's face to travel down her back and hug her tightly around the waist.
Yumi nodded.
"It's normal to do this much... right?"
Yumi said it was. Sei kissed Yumi's face slowly; her cheeks and her forehead, stopping when she reached her eyes, stopping when she reached her nose, stopping when she reached her lips, and stopping when she reached her neck. Those were places she should not touch. Those are going to be sacred to someone else. She had no right to touch them.
"We can do that much," said Yumi, freeing herself from Sei's hand and burying her face into Sei's shirt.
Sei clung to Yumi, wondering for a moment why it was she could not cry, and then almost laughed when she reminded herself that she was Satou Sei, as dry as a wasteland.
"But can we… can we pretend that much?" Yumi asked.
"I think we can."
"Really?" she asked.
It made Yumi wary. They had almost fallen into frailty just now.
"Really," Sei assured her.
"So if I tell you 'I love you', we'll just both pretend I don't mean it?"
Sei nodded, her head heavy.
"And when I say that I love you," Sei said, pulling Yumi — if possible — closer. "You won't forget that I'm a big flirt. I say that to girls on a daily basis, just so I can get into their pants. And I've never meant it, not even once."
"I won't," said Yumi, her voice cracking. "I won't ever forget."
They both made a promise not to.
"I'll call you sometime, okay?" Sei said.
"You better."
"Make sure you answer your phone."
"I will."
And they promised to do that as well.
When Sei got back to her dorms after the dropping the Fukuzawa siblings back to their home after the engagement party, she fell asleep. When, the following morning, she met Katou Kei in the Lillian common room and Kei asked her how everything went, she replied that it was all okay — nothing more, nothing less. When Those Three came and asked her again to go out with them that night, Sei declined again, despite knowing she was setting herself up for a future of daydreaming and symposiums with her own fingers. When she went to a mini-mart to buy beers and pass the evening with Kei and Kei's roommate, she saw that yellow-coloured, not-so-bad tasting beer she had on that night she had wanted to forget. She decided that some things ought to be remembered, and bought a six-pack of it along with the usual just so she could memorise what it tasted like. Just for one more night so she wouldn't forget.
When Yumi got home, she collapsed on her bed, ignoring everything else — causing Yuuki to spend the rest of the night convincing their parents that she had not a drop of alcohol, and was very tired even on the drive back with Satou Sei. When she had returned to her dorms the next day, she found her roommate and a guy fast asleep, covered by a blanket just barely managing to do so properly. Yumi ignored them and went ahead unpacking the things from her travelling bag. When her study group had asked her if she managed to hook up at the party ("That's what other peoples' engagements are for!" one said), Yumi said she had not, and that nothing really happened. Then they went on to study, and Yumi hoped they would all soon get distracted and start a paper ball fight or sing that strange song she heard on that night, though she knew she had forgotten most of the words.
When a week had passed, Sei and Yumi had kept their promises to one another.
Her
When Sei and Yumi came back to the party, quite some time after they had disappeared, hardly anyone had noticed that they were gone in the first place. Save Yuuki (Sei was his ride and he needed her to get home, for without her he was stuck; and Yumi was his sister and he needed her to get home, for without her he might as well have strangled himself on his parents' behalf), and her.
She could not help but see them part their hands in the hall before they returned to the crowd. Yet even without that contact, anyone with eyes could be able to see that there was no real distance — distance that mattered — between the two. She could not help but notice that their clothes were a little dishevelled. And she could not help but feel like crying. But she did not.
What would be the use? she asked herself.
There was nothing she could do about it, anyway.
A/N
10/06/13 - I have edited this fic after re-reading it. Some bits have been removed and other pieces have been added or altered. I did not change many things. I want this work to remain a reflection of what I thought back when I had initially written it. I also added sections for the "flashbacks" as their initial appearance in the fic was italicised and part of the flowing stream of thought. Over the years, people seem to have turned away from this piece because visually, it wasn't pleasant. Hopefully this fixture makes it easier to read although it strays from my experimental attempt at stream of consciousness.
Title taken from a Broken Social Scene album which I was listening to at the time.
"Mother Superior jumped the gun": lyrics taken from "Happiness Is A Warm Gun".
Unedited part of Author's Note from 2007:
Before any criticisms about "Why not just let Sei and Yumi end up together because they both like each other?", let me explain: the point I was getting at is that romantic love is fickle. What they have is something not worth risking the change. And their decision to be apart is something that will work out in the long run rather than seeing instant results for.
And I'll leave it up to you folks to figure out what the "it" is that we all seem to be forgetting.