Kyle Helps Cartman of his Own Free Will
"Kyle?"
"Yes Cartman?"
"I'm depressed."
"...Why are you depressed Cartman?"
"Because Kenny broke up with me."
"...Since when have you been going out?"
"Since 2 days ago."
"... Bebe's party?"
"Yeah."
"Does Butters know about this?"
"Huh?"
"Well weren't you dating him?"
"NO! Like I'd date that little-"
"Okay okay! Geez. So why are you here then? If Butters isn't some sort of ex lover now wouldn't he be a better person to run crying to?"
"No he wouldn't!"
"...why?"
"Cause he can't help me with my... my problem."
"... what problem?"
"Okay, you broke up with Stan a month ago right? I mean I know you're still faggy best friends but you're not official anymore right?"
"Uh huh..."
"So yeah, in the past two days Kenny and I... well you know Kenny."
"Unfortunately yes, and I don't appreciate the images you just gave me."
"Well how about we make some new images?"
"...what."
"Kyle."
"Um... Cartman... I think you need to back up."
"A man has needs..."
"I'm leaving now."
"Aye! No you're not!"
"Let go Cartman!"
"Look, how do you know you won't like it!"
"Cartman! N- mmph!"
"Mm, urg... OW! FUCK KYLE THAT FUCKING HURT!"
"Serves you right! Asshole, if your hands come near my pants again I'll sue you for assault! Hell, I should do that now!"
"Goddamn, I thought you'd be all into this!"
"WHY?!"
"Because Kenny left me for Stan, apparently Stan told him he loved him and then Kenny-"
"S-Stan and... Kenny?"
"Stan and Kenny, Kyle."
"Stan and Kenny?"
"Yes!"
"OUR Stan and Kenny?!"
"Yeah, Stan and Kenny goddamn it!"
".... okay let's do it."
"Do... do it?"
"Yeah."
"Uh... alright the- MMPH!!!"
--10 steamy minutes later—
"Th-that'll teach that whore, fuck, Stan you asshole, Kenny's our f-friend..."
"Christ Kyle, that was killer."
"U-uh... yeah I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought but-"
"Oh by the way."
"What?"
"I lied. Kenny dumped me 'cause I ate his Kentucky Fried Chicken skin. Stan's still single."
"WHAT? YOU FAT ASSHOLE!"
"OW! KYLE STO- OW! OW! FUCK! OW!"
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU CARTMAN!"