I Am The Candy Man
Author's Foreword
Hello, kids, sorry for my long absence, holiday stuff has been keeping me real busy and now that I am in Ottawa until the 26th visiting some dear friends of mine, thigns have been going kinda slow, not that I am complaining!
Either case, along time ago I was thinking of different combination of things for fanfics and one of those ideas was Swindle being the Candyman. For the longest time I didn't know where to place it until I roamed the great and powerful Internet to look for some songs and stumbled upon an old awesome band that I liked to listen to when I was a kid called "Aqua" and at long last I remembered this song!
It took me a while to think of the story to it and even longer to rewrite the song but as you can see, in the end, I managed to do it!
As you will figure out on your own, I put Onslaught as the father figure in this fanfic and the rest of the Combaticons as the children.
Hope you enjoy it!
"Hm, I don't knoooow …"
"Go, dude!"
"Can we go now?"
Swindle, Vortex and Blast-off were sitting at one of the cafes, eyeballing an Autobot that their brother had a crush on.
"Ask him out!"
"I suppose there are worse ways to spend a Monday morning. None come to mind …"
"I don't knoooow …"
Growing up, the yellow mech cared little for company and was more preoccupied with such things as selling random crap to the people stupid enough to fork over their money to the great power of his silver glossa; so the very news that their brother was interested in a real-life mech for reasons that didn't involve selling it, came as an astonishing surprise.
"Just look at that rack!"
"Stop it!"
"Whatever."
"And those buns!"
"Hey!"
"Are you two done?"
"Man, I would loooove to stick something in between those!"
"Stop it, seriously, dude!"
"I don't even care."
"If you are not going to asking him out, I will!" Vortex leaned back on his chair with an evil glint joyfully playing in his visor.
"Noooo!" Swindle jumped in his seat, smashing the table with both his hands, "That's not cool, man!"
"You almost spilled my coffee." Blast-off put down his cup, irritated at all the noise.
"Take it or leave it, dude," the helicopter put his feet on the table, smirking behind the battle mask, "Limited time offer, as you say."
"Stop doing that, aft!"
"I should have gotten the apple Danish," the spacecraft sighed, sipping his drink.
"THAT WAS A GREAT FRAGGING PISS!" Brawl barged into the little shop by kicking the washroom door open, immediately scaring everyone, even those outside the establishment, "THEY EVEN GOT RID OF THOSE PIECE OF CRAP TOILETS! THANK YOU, PAW-BUCKS!"
"Oh, great …" the shuttle, scoffing, covered his face and looked off to the side, "Can he be any more obnoxious?"
"HEY, SWINDLE," the tank walked to the counter, noticed his brother's frightened crush waiting for his order and pointed at him, "ISN'T THIS THE FRUIT CAKE YOU WANTED TO BANG SENSELESS?"
"… I stand corrected …" the Decepticon facepalmed with a heavy spark, almost tearing up.
"You sit corrected," the psycho laughed at his brother, relishing the awkward atmosphere he created and looked at the jeep with utmost curiosity, "Rebuttal, Swindle?"
"… sh-sh-shut up, spikewad!" The entrepreneur quickly got off his chair and rushed to the counter, pushing Brawl away.
"BUT I WANT A SANDWICH!"
"I'll freakin' give you a 'break your fragging face' sandwich for free if you keep doing this!"
"FINE!" he yelled out one last time before joining Vortex and Blast-off at their table, "WHAT THE SLAG IS HIS FRAGGING PROBLEM?"
"… hehehehe …"
"… guess …"
"I, um," the yellow mech turned to his startled love interest, "Please accept my apologies about all of this …"
"… let's see how he wiggles his way out of this one …" the helicopter slightly leaned in to hear the conversation better.
"… I am living with morons …" Blast-off wanted to face-palm but decided not to since it would be completely pointless.
"… you see, the fact is that I, um, really, um, like you, aaand, um," Swindle began hyperventilating, "Did I mention I was sorry?"
"… he is losing it …"
"… good freaking going, guys …"
"… I, I, I, um, allow me to start over. My name is Swindle," he then reached out for a hand shake but after an astrosecond of thinking about it he retracted the servo, "Um, yeah, probably don't want to touch me after what Brawl said. By the way, have you met my brothers?"
"… ooooh, don't go there …"
"… there won't even be a first date …"
"… but I don't think that you want to know about my brothers, they can be real aftholes at times …"
"… that kinda hurt …"
"… whatever …"
"… but at heart they are very great guys! The best!"
"… should I choke him to death in his sleep or after we get home …"
"… who cares …"
"… well the truth is, I have this, um, crush on you, a-a-and …"
"… oh, my god, he is so damn cute …"
"… you know what else is cute? Brawl trying to figure out what he did wrong …"
"… I wanted to ask you for the longest time …"
"… freakin' love at first sight …"
"… he is quiet, too quiet …"
"… if you would c-consider g-going on a, um, a, d-date with me?"
"I GOT IT!" Brawl slammed his fists together, "I SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED HIS SLAGTASTICALLY FRAGGABLE, PERFECT AFT!"
"… we are not making it any easier for Swindle, are we …"
"… who says we are here to make things easier for him …"
"… um, well," the jeep raised his hand, thinking of a way to recover from that but gave up and facepalming with both servos, slowly walked away, "Ah, what the slag, sorry for wasting your time; you have a good day."
"… does that mean I can ask him out now …"
"… you were given two heads, one to think with and another to frag with. You are using the wrong head …"
"S-sir?" The Autobot shyly made a few steps towards the bummed out Combaticon, nervously playing around with his fingers, all optics of the café focused on the two mechs. "I didn't say no, sir."
"… plot twist …"
"… shit just got real …"
"Wh-what?" The Decepticon, stunned, turned around. "What? For real?"
"I-I-I didn't say yes either!," the dicolor quickly wiggled his hands, intensely blushing, "I …"
"… he wants more of this …"
"… shit just got even realer …"
"All right, listen," Swindle massaged his sinus, "What if we meet up somewhere else, a LITTLE more private … but still with witnesses … and talk about it?"
"I-I-I-I-I …"
"… I should have brought pop-coils …"
"… Brawl is thinking again …"
"Well, if you change your mind," the 'con pulled out a little piece of paper and gave it to the mech who was already melting his circuits from the sheer adorableness of the sight, "This is my business card and here is my cell number."
"N-n-nice to meet you, Swindle, sir!" The ambulance reached his servo out for a handshake. "M-m-my name is First Aid! Nice to meet you, sir!"
"… Swindle is one lucky afthole …"
"… seriously, he is not even moving …"
"L-like wise," the jeep smiled and happily accepted the hand shake.
"B-before I forget, here is my number, sir!"
"Y-you don't have to …"
"I insist, sir!"
"Ah, all right! Thanks!"
"I-I-I guess we will call each other!"
"I guess so! Are those Strawberry Vanilla doughnuts?"
"Yes! I love them, sir!"
"I know, aren't they the best? I call them Strawnillapops."
"Because they pop in your mouth!"
"Exactly!"
"I BET THEY WILL FRAG LIKE NO TOMORROW BY THE END OF THE WEEK!" The tank scratched his head.
"… aaaaand the idiot makes a comeback …"
"… it's Sunday, dude …"
"I KNOW!"
"… I am so sorry about this …"
"D-d-don't worry, I-I-I have three brothers too, sir …"
"You boys going to tell me what the frag happened?" Onslaught sat his sons down in the living room, eager to have a serious family discussion, "Explain to me why I got another call from the café, complaining about you four making noise?"
"WE RAN INTO FIRST AID!"
"Shush!" Swindle stepped on his brother's foot.
"OW!"
"Who is this First Aid person?" The father leaned in, connecting his fingers, shadows malevolently shifting on his body, "Do tell."
"It's Swindle's crush."
"Vooooorteeeeeex!"
"I was too busy not caring, not that I care if anybody asked me if I had to contribute or anything … Swindle asked him out …"
"Blast-ooooff!"
"HE ALSO WANTS TO FRAG HIM!"
"Shut up, Brawl!"
"YOU DO!"
"SILENCE!," the truck slammed his fist on the coffee table, "Blast-off, Vortex and Brawl, you three are free to go. Swindle, I am going to have a word with you."
"YES DAD!."
"Sure thing, daddy-o."
"Shit is about to get real, not that I care."
"Yes, dad."
"Hey, you guys wanna go find those Constructicon kids?"
"Sure, not like I got anything better to do …"
"THEY BETTER FRAGGING HAVE MORE LUNCH MONEY THIS TIME!"
"So, Swindle," Onslaught stood right in front of his son, looking him straight in the optics, overshadowing the jeep, "You have a crush, huh?"
"Yes, dad."
"And you asked him out?"
"Yes, dad."
"And it he is an Autobot?"
"Yes, dad."
"MY LITTLE BOY IS IN LOVE!" The joyous father hugged the confused Combaticon, twirling around like a ballerina all over the kitchen, completely disregarding the safety of their furniture. "THE DAY HAS FINALLY COME!"
"… can't … breathe … feeling … sick …"
"So," the adolescent finally built up the courage to ask his dad after recovering from the squishy roller-coaster, "You are not mad?"
"Why would I be mad?" The mech put a big cup of hot chocolate in front of his son with a few marshmallows floating at the surface and pouring himself one too, "I was so worried that you were missing the circuitry for this from all the hitting, drills and fighting but they are working perfectly fine!"
"D-dad, I thought you wanted me to end up with a Decepticon?"
"I am just glad that one of my sons will end up with someone! I, honest to Cybertron, hoped that Blast-off and Cosmos would eventually get married but you see that they are having trouble again. Brawl, well, let's be honest here, Bawl will be lucky if his right hand doesn't reject him."
"What about Vortex?"
"Let's, um, just wait and see. I have a feeling something is cooking up for him."
"So, you are not mad?"
"No! No! Relax, I am happy you found someone you are interested in!"
"Do you have any suggestions or advice?"
"Son, I am about to give you the most overused, cheesiest, seemingly useless advice that you will ever get in your entire life but will turn out to be the best advice anyone has ever given to you."
"Right …"
"Follow your heart."
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"Forget about all of your entrepreneur stuff, that company you made for selling baby Ick-Yaks and whatever. All that stuff, forget it."
"B-but …"
"What really matters is what you have in here," Onslaught smashed his chestplate, approximately where his heart was supposed to be, "I think this is the right side …"
"Yes, it is."
"Right! So, where was I?"
"Forget about my business."
"Right! That! Now, um, where was I going with that?"
"That I have to be myself."
"Right! That! Do what you think is right. If you want to call him now, go ahead! If you want to shower him with gifts, don't do that, you will seem desperate …"
"I AM desperate."
"… oh … well, um, if they can't accept you for who you are, then, um, that's just life!"
"What if I get rejected?"
"Son, let me tell you a little something. Remember when your second step-father, Shockwave, let Cybertron for a few weeks?"
"Yes."
"Do you know why he left?"
"His company?"
"Me."
"What? Really?"
"Yes, I rejected him the first time, then he rejected me and on our third try we finally made it work! You see, pain is a normal part of life, you will get hurt, the trick is to get back up again and find that happiness despite all odds," the truck walked up to the liquor cabinet, took out a huge bottle, opened it up and began taking huge gulps from the neck, "No matter how much unbearable depression overwhelms you, making you want to kill yourself in the most brutal ways a transformer's mind can conceive."
"Wow …"
"… gotta be myself …" Swindle laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling, "… gotta be myself … oh! I got it! What was Soudnwave's number again … ah!"
It was almost ten and he still didn't call!
"Should I?" First Aid looked at his phone, "No, I don't want to intrude, it is late, maybe he is sleeping. Maybe he already forgot about me …"
Suddenly, thunder roared in the sky, making the ambulance eep and jump under his blanket as heavy rain fell from the sky, leaving not a single micrometer of the outside dry.
"I-I can't believe anyone would willingly walk outside in this weather, it's a real downpour!" Looking out of the window, leaning on the desk, the Autobot with a sad gaze wondered about the unfortunate pedestrians. "It is so lonely, why did they all have to move out? I have this whole house all for myself, I think I am going to sell it …"
Out of the blue, a dozen tiny rocks hit his window, making him spring again under the blanket:
"Wh-who is there? Oh, wait, silly me," the dicolor carefully opened the window and looked outside, "Who is there?"
"First Aid! Down here!"
"Swindle? What are you doing here, sir?" The 'bot finally found the source of the voice after the first wave of shock.
"I know we decided to call each other but I just couldn't wait!"
"Don't you want to come in? It's raining hard!"
"No! I will stay outside because that is what my heart is telling me to do!"
"H-huh?"
"This is me, all me, following my feelings!" Swindle took out a boombox, turned it on, raised the somewhat heavy sound system in the air and in the most loudest, expressive, best singing voice, the Decepticon poured out his soul:
I am the Swindle-man – coming from I-love-You-land!
I am the Swindle-man – coming from I-love-You-land!
. . .
I wish that you were on sale
Sweet deals, I will never get enough
If I show you to the sale spree
Will you give me a kiss for free?
. . .
Come with me, Bunny,
I am your sweet sale Swindle-man!
Be free like the wind – fly with me to I-Love-You-Land!
Buy me, I am yours – if you are willing please understand,
This is the start – of the sweet sale Swindle-man!
. . .
All my love – you know I am your Swindle-man!
And all my love – your word is my command!
All my love – you know I am your Swindle-man!
And all my love – fly with me to I-Love-You-land!
. . .
You are my Strawnillapop – sugar sugar top!
You are my Strawnillapop – sugar sugar top!
. . .
I wish that I were a double yum,
Eating me, baby, twice as long
I will be begging for sweet delight,
Until you say I'm yours tonight!
. . .
Come with me, Bunny,
I am your sweet sale Swindle-man!
Be free like the wind – fly with me to I-Love-You-Land!
Buy me, I am yours – if you are willing please understand,
This is the start – of the sweet sugar Swindle-man!
. . .
All my love – you know I am your Swindle-man!
And all my love – your word is my command!
All my love – you know I am your Swindle-man!
And all my love – fly with me to I-Love-You-land!
. . .
All my love – you know I am your Swindle-man!
And all my love – your word is my command!
All my love – you know I am your Swindle-man!
And all my love – fly with me to I-Love-You-land!
. . .
I am the Swindle-man – coming from I-love-You-land!
I am the Swindle-man – coming from I-love-You-land!
. . .
All my love – you know I am your Swindle-man!
And all my love – your word is my command!
All my love – you know I am your Swindle-man!
And all my love – fly with me to I-Love-You-land!
. . .
You are my Strawnillapop – sugar sugar top!
You are my Strawnillapop – sugar sugar top!
"Oh, dear Cybertron!" First Aid teared up. "That was beautiful!"
"Now you do your part! Do what your heart tells you to do!" Swindle called for the Autobot, "What do you want to do?"
"I will be right down, sir!" The ambulance closed the window and quickly ran downstairs.
"Hey, Soundwave," the jeep shook the boombox, giving him the cue to transform back into robot mode. He then took out his wallet and gave him a sizeable stack of cash, "Thanks for all your help!"
"Inquiry: do I get the Friends And Family Discount?"
"That and I will make a whole new discount just for you, now go!"
"Wish: good luck."
"Thanks! Pleasure doing business with you!" The Decepticon followed his partner with his optics until he finally disappeared down the street and turned back to face his love interest's house.
"Here I am!," the dicolor finally ran out of the house, beaming with happiness and banishing the darkness of the night with his mirthful mood, "You said to follow my heart, right, sir?"
"Yes!"
"Well then," he timidly walked up to Swindle, again, anxiously playing with his fingers, rain drops going down the sexiest figure the entrepreneur ever had the delight of seeing, and dug into his chest, "Please, take care of me, sir."
"Bunny," the yellow mech raised First Aid's chin with his servo and looked him deep in the optics, as if seeing through his soul, "I will never let you go."
There it was, the moment, not just any moment, The Moment. They both gently wrapped their hands around each other, pausing for another second to give one another the most wistful, amorous kiss, packed with so much passion that they thought their chestplates would explode despite the rain richly flowing down their intertwined bodies.
Epilogue
"I probably should have told them where I was going …" Swindle sneaked into his house, hoping for nobody to see him at such an early hour, "… stupid, should have brought my work books with me …"
"SWINDLE?" Brawl walked out of the kitchen with a huge bowl of Energon'O's, "I FRAGGING KNEW I HEARD FOOTSTEPS!"
"… crap …" The Decepticon cringed, realizing in just how much trouble he could get into. "Please, keep it down …"
"VORTEX! BLAST-OFF! ONSLAUGHT! I SLAGGING TOLD YOU THEY WILL FRAG! YOU ALL FRAGGING OWE ME FIFTY BUCKS!"
"… you made a pool?"
"SLAG YEAH!"
"And you didn't include me in it?"
"Cool stuff, bro!"
Congratulations, not that I care …"
"My little son has a boyfriend!"
The four rushed to their lucky family member from upstairs, the living room, the kitchen and the washroom with their pants still down, nearly crushing him in a full hearted, loving hug.
"… can't … breathe …"
Author's Notes:
Hope you enjoyed it!
I am iffy about certain parts but I think this is the best it will ever come out. I do not own Aqua or their songs but the lyrics in this fanfic are generally mine.
I never noticed this before but the Combaticons and the Protectobots are quite popular between me and C.M.D., I don't really have a clue how it happened but I am not complaining! It is actually very awesome! All the rps we are having last for hours and they are freaking hilarious! XD
Hope you enjoyed the song!
Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!