Chapter One: The Other Minister
Prime Minister: "Hmm, I wonder when the President of a far distant country will call. Oh, hullo, Cornelius Fudge."
CF, from painting: "We've got to talk. Preferably now. Or I'll turn you into a teacup."
PM: "If you insist."
CF, in person: "Bad stuff is happening. The Dementors have joined You-Know-Who. Wizards and witches on our side are being murdered. Even Muggles, such as yourself, aren't safe anymore…."
Readers: "Wait, where's Harry and his posse of wacky magical friends? What does all this government stuff have to do with a half-blood prince?"
CF: "Don't worry, this is just an Exposition Chapter. High jinks are coming right up."
Chapter Two: Spinner's End
Severus Snape: "Ah, Narcissa Malfoy, Draco's mum, and Bellatrix Lestrange, the witch who killed Sirius. How nice to see you. Do come in."
BL: "I hope we haven't interrupted anything, Severus."
SS: "No, I was just harassing Wormtail. Wormtail, get in here!"
Wormtail: "Yes, master?"
SS: "Go get some wine, minion."
Wormtail: "Wait a sec. The Dark Lord never said I had to make you drinks. It's bad enough I have to go around wearing one glove all the time like Michael Jackson in the 80's because I sacrificed my hand to keep him alive – the Dark Lord, I mean. Not Michael."
SS: "Excuse me, while I get out my violin."
BL: "Where were you when the Dark Lord fell? Why didn't you retrieve the Sorcerer's Stone? Why haven't you offed Harry Potter? And why don't you ever shampoo your hair?"
SS: "Well, let's see. I would dearly loved to have killed the brat, but he needs to stay alive in order that Voldemort can use his blood to regenerate. Also, Dumbledore's an old fogy who still believes that I'm on his side, but too many moves in the wrong direction might make him suspicious. But he still won't let me teach Defense Against the Dark Arts."
BL: "You haven't answered my question about the shampoo."
SS: "It is the author's way of implying that I have a greasy soul, that my motives are less-than-pure. But forget my hair. What about Draco? The Dark Lord has assigned him to kill Dumbledore, now that Lucius Malfoy is in prison for failing to protect the prophecy."
Narcissa: "Draco is too young, not to mention a huge coward. You must help him, or he will fail."
SS: "Oh, all right. Let's make the Unbreakable Vow."
NM, kissing his feet. "Thank you!"
SS: "I have to do everything around here."
Chapter Three: Will and Won't
Harry Potter: "Ho hum, what's in the Exposition Times today? Oh yeah, a bloke named Rufus Scrimgeour has succeeded Cornelius Fudge as Minister of Magic. Hey, a note from Dumbledore – finally! He's going to call this Friday. That should be fun. Maybe he'll bring some toffee and make Dudley's tongue expand again."
Albus Dumbledore appears much to the Dursley's anxiety.
AD: "Harry, as your godfather, Sirius left you his house."
Vernon Dursley, perking up: "Hey, what's all this about a house?"
HP, in typical Harry fashion: "I don't care. I don't want no stinking house."
AD: "You also inherited Kreacher, the racist house elf." Kreacher appears.
HP: "Just gets better and better. Kreacher, go work at Hogwarts."
AD: "Vernon and Petunia, you have mistreated Harry, and even though I could punish you, I'm merely going to make a speech about how your less than stellar child rearing disgusts me."
Readers: "Gee, it's about time someone dressed down the Dursley's for child abuse. Took him long enough."
Chapter Four: Horace Slughorn
Horace Slughorn: "Ooh, it's Harry Potter! Cool! Guess what?"
HP, bored: "I look exactly like Dad, but I have Mum's eyes."
HS: "That's right! How'd you know what I was going to say?"
HP: "Because it gets mentioned at least three times in every book."
HS: "Well, I taught Lily. Even though she was a Muggle, she was great at Potions."
AD: "Can I tempt you out of retirement to teach a class?"
HS: "No, yes, no, well, why not."
AD: "Harry, watch out, this guy's a total suck up, even worse than Professor Lockhart. He'll fawn all over you, given half a chance."
HP: "Me, be impressed by a teacher and want to hang around him? You've got to be kidding!"
AD: "By the way, you can tell Hermione and Ron what the prophecy said. Like you wouldn't anyway."
HP: "Cool!"
Chapter Five: An Excess of Phlegm
Weasley abode
Fleur Delacour: "arry, ow are ou. My Engleesh has improved a bit, but I still drop my h's."
Ginny Weasley: "Oh, that's just Phlegm. Mum doesn't like her because she's dating Bill."
HP: "It's nice that in these troubled times, someone has time to date."
Hernione Granger: "Well, Tonks, on the other hand is really depressed. She's stopped changing her hair color and nose shape."
HP: "And she was supposed to be the comic relief, too. What about Luna?"
Ron Weasley: "I haven't seen her lately, but I'm sure she's her usual eccentric self."
HP: "I hate to put a damper on our reunion, but it looks like I have to kill Voldemort. That's what the prophecy said."
RW: "Well, we won't let that get in the way of our usual high jinks. Maybe we'll even manage a snog or two, as well. Certainly, a couple of Quidditch matches. Right, gang?"
HG: "Hey, our OWL results are here. Oh, darn, I got a bad mark."
HP: "You did not. You got an "E" which is like a "B" in the United States."
HG: "Same thing."
Chapter Six: Draco's Detour
Mrs. Weasley: "Despite your having valiantly fought off Voldemort multiple times, I am assigning you children protection as you back to school shop in Diagon Alley."
HP: "Wotcher, Hagrid! Let's go! First off is Madame Malkin's robe shop."
Draco Malfoy: "Pee-yew! I smell a Mudblood."
HG: "Because I have more maturity than anyone in the series, I will nobly refrain from taunting you back."
HP: "Not me! Eat dragon dung. And by the way, how's dear old dad liking Azkaban?"
DM: "Screw you, Potter. And your little posse, too."
Fred and George Weasley: "Hello, welcome to our magical joke shop! Isn't it cool!"
HP: "Yeah, but we've got to go spy on Draco some more."
F&GW: "Harry, you need a life."
DM to Mr. Borgin: "I have been entrusted with a Top Secret Task. I need your help."
MB: "Oh…all right."
Draco leaves. Harry and crew enter shop.
HG: "Could you…er, show me what Draco was just looking at?"
MB: "You may be book smart, but as a detective, you're totally lame Out, all of you!"
Chapter Seven: The Slug Club
HP: "Draco's a Death Eater!"
HG: "Is this like when you thought Professor Snape was evil? Face it, Harry when it comes to conspiracy theories, you aren't the sharpest wand in the shop."
HP: "Seriously. My scar's hurting!"
RW: "Can't argue with that, mate."
Harry boards the Hogwarts Express and suddenly finds himself surrounded by admiring girls.
HP: "This won't last. One story by Rita Skeeter, and you'll go back to avoiding me. Hi, Neville, Luna. How was your summer?"
NL: "I got a new wand!"
LL: "I am still delightfully eccentric."
Harry is sent an invitation to join Professor Slughorn in his carriage.
PS: "Harry, delighted to see you. Meet the other recipients of my goodwill. All of them – well, almost – have influential relatives. Watch me bow and scrape."
HP: "Hey, not to be rude, but why is Ginny here? She doesn't have any Ministry connections?"
PS: "She's great at hexing, plus she's the Mary Sue of the series, and your love interest.'
HP: "Oh, Okay."
Harry sneaks into the Slytherin compartment wearing the Invisibility Cloak.
DM: "I'm a Death Eater, guys. Is that cool or what? And I got this mark on my arm to prove it!"
HP: "Ha. I was right all along."
DM: "I may be a huge coward, but I know Harry's lurking around here. First I will petrify him, then I will break his nose. Who's da bitch now, Potter?"
HP: "I'll get even, you just wait."
Chapter Eight: Snape Victorious
Tonks: "Wotcher, Harry! Let me fix your nose."
HP: "Thanks. Hey, why are you here?"
Tonks: "For the sole purpose of rescuing you. Now jump!"
SS, twirling his mustache: "Gotcha, Harry. Fifty points 'cause you're late and dressed like a Muggle. Twenty, 'cause your glasses are crooked. Oh, and twenty more because I am the guy everyone loves to hate. Except fan fiction writers."
AD: "Welcome back, students. Let's hope we have a quiet year in which Voldemort leaves us along. Ha ha, just kidding. Professor Slughorn will teach Potions, and Professor Snape will finally get to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts."
HP: "What????"
RW: "Don't worry, the job's jinxed. Snape'll be out of here by next year."
Chapter Nine: The Half-Blood Prince
Professor Minerva McGonagall: "Potter, since you want to be an Auror, why not take Defense Against the Dark Arts. Slughorn's standards are way lower than Snape's. Plus, this will help the plot along."
HP: "Uh…okay."
PS: "Here, Harry, use this old Potions book while you're waiting for a new one. Apparently, the syllabus hasn't changed in a hundred years or so."
SS: "Greetings, students. All summer, I have been dreaming of ridiculing you, so it's great to have you back. Today, we will practice non-verbal spells. Remember, even though I'm a bastard, my course work invariably turns out to be integral to the plot. So I urge you to pay attention….Detention, Potter, for looking out the window."
After class:
Harry: "Oh, a note from Dumbledore. It seems he has finally figured out that being ignored makes me angry. So he's inviting me to tea. Yippee!"
HS: "Welcome, class. I will now ask a bunch of questions to which only Hermione knows the answer. Seven hundred points to Gryffindor. At this rate, Miss Granger, might I suggest you graduate early. Now, time to try a spell."
HP: "Hmm, what are all these notes in the margin of my Potions book. Hmm, I think I will do what they say. Hey, it worked!"
HS: "Congratulations, we have a winner. Here's a potion that will make you lucky."
HG: "Hey, wait a minute! He didn't follow directions!"
HP: "You're just jealous. This book says Property of the Half-Blood Prince. How very odd."
Chapter Ten: The House of Gaunt
AD: "Welcome, Harry. Time for a fun trip back in time using the Pensieve."
HP: "Can I help my parents hook up? Or watch Snape getting humiliated again?"
AD: "No, today, we are going to the House of Gaunt."
HP: "Bummer."
AD: "Enough. Watch closely."
Bob Ogden, Ministry of Magic flunky: "Knock, knock."
Marvolo Gaunt: "Go away!"
BO: "I have come to investigate your son Morfin's part in the murder of a Muggle."
Morfin cradling a snake: "Hush, little snaky, don't say a word. Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird."
HP: "He's a Parseltongue!"
MG: "And here's my good-for-nothing daughter Merope."
Merope comes cowering out.
BO: "This is one screwed up family."
Voice from outside: "Oh, Tom, look at that run-down hovel. How pathetic!"
AD: "Harry, that girl, Merope, was Tom Riddle's mum. She used magic to enchant his Muggle father into falling in love with her."
HP: "Oh boy. Hey, that ring looks familiar. It's the one I just saw Marvolo wearing."
AD: "You get a gold star! It is indeed."
Chapter Eleven: Hermione's Helping Hand
HP: "Morning, guys. Time for Quidditch tryouts!"
HG: "You ought to play, Ron."
RW: "Well, maybe, if my infamous low self-esteem doesn't make a hash of it."
Hagrid: "Hey, get lost. None of you signed up for Care of Magical Creatures this term."
HG: "Ew, what're those?"
Hagrid: "Grubs for the giant spider Aragog."
RW promptly wets himself.
Hagrid: "Aragog's sick, you see. I'm just heating his hot water bottle. Next I'm going to make him some soup, then make sure he's nice and comfy."
PS: "Hullo, children. I'm here to invite Harry and Hermione to a party. But not you, Ron. Ha ha."
After he leaves:
HG: "Guess what? I Confounded one of the Quidditch try-out players, so Ron could have a shot. Yes me, perfect little Hermione."
RW: "You're not so perfect – after all, you attacked Snape in Book Three, and stole supplies from him in Book Two, plus you got Umbridge attacked by centaurs in the Forbidden Forest."
HP: "You're just grumpy because you're not invited to the stupid party."
RW: "Am not! Who wants to go to a slug party anyway?"
Chapter Twelve: Silver and Opals
HP: "Hmm, these spells of the Prince's sure are cool. I think I'll try another – Levicorpus!"
Ron winds up dangling in midair.
HG: "Told you this Prince fellow wasn't a very nice person."
HP: "I don't care. For once in my life, I'm better at something than you that doesn't involve a broomstick."
In Hogsmeade, Harry sees Mundungus Fletcher with items from Sirius house and in typical, cool-headed fashion, attacks him. Mundungus, no fool, Disapparates.
Katie Bell, minor Gryffindor character, gets poisoned apparently by a Mysterious Necklace.
HP: "Draco did it! Draco did it!"
Professor McGonagall: "Harry, nobody likes a tattletale."
HP: "This year is starting out just like the one in Book Two with people getting mysteriously injured. Don't you see the similarities?"
Professor McGonagall: "Now, now, calm down."
Chapter Thirteen: The Secret Riddle
Back in the Pensieve with Dumbledore.
AD: "Good day. I've come to speak to the matron of this orphanage about a boy called Tom Riddle?"
Mrs. Cole: "Oh him. Nasty piece of work."
AD: "I want to offer him a place in my school, Hogwarts."
MC: "Be my guest!"
AD: "Hello, you must be Tom."
Tom Riddle: "I'm not crazy."
AD: ""Of course not. You're a wizard like me."
TR: "Prove it."
AD sets the wardrobe on fire.
TR: "Cool! Hey, you're right, I can do all sorts of odd stuff. I just never knew it was magic."
AD: "Would you like me to accompany you to Hogsmeade to get school supplies?"
TR: "Nah, I'll do it myself."
AD to Harry: "You see, he's already an antisocial loner, not merely a smart child who's been taught about stranger danger! But I decided to let him arrive with a blank slate and become whoever he wanted to be."
HP: "Lord Voldemort."
AD: "Unfortunately."
Chapter Fourteen: Felix Felicis
Harry: "Time for another entertaining diversion: Quidditch! Dean Thomas will replace Katie Bell as Chaser while she is still hospitalized."
Ron catches Ginny snogging Dean and goes ballistic.
GW: "You're jealous 'cause everyone's hooked up except you!"
RW, later on: "I suck at Quidditch. I'm going to quit the team."
HP: "Ron, we went through this in the last book. You'll do fine."
RW: "Yes, but I need a plotline. Besides my sexual inexperience, that is."
Next day, Ron sees Harry slip something into his drink and believes it's the lucky potion. He then plays well.
HG: "See, it's like giving Dumbo a lucky feather. Sorry, Muggle reference. Well done, Harry."
HP: "So are you going to the party with Ron?"
HG: "Nah, I'm going to play some head games first."
Ron then beats her to it by snogging Lavender Brown. Hermione vows to get even. Let the games begin!
Chapter Fifteen: The Unbreakable Vow
Luna Lovegood: "Hello Harry. Why is your eyebrow yellow?"
HP: "Uh, never mind. Would you like to go to Slugbreath's party with me? As a friend. Did I say friend? Oh yeah, as a friend."
LL: "Sure, Harry, buddy, old pal, my absolutely platonic friend, I'd love to."
HP: "Just leave your butterbeer necklace in the dorm, okay?"
Party time
HG: "Boys are so self-centered. This Quidditch guy I asked is a brainless oaf."
Professor Slughorn to Snape: "Stop skulking around like an overgrown bat, Severus, and come meet Harry Potter, my most brilliant Potions student."
SS: "You have got to be kidding me. The Potter I know would have failed long ago if it weren't for Miss Granger constantly hissing instructions at him."
Argus Filch: "Hey, ho, we've got a gate crasher: Draco Malfoy!"
DM: "So I unsuccessfully tried to sneak in, and I've been unsuccessful in every attempt to suck up to Slughorn. So what?"
PS: "Oh, let the lad stay if he wants. Someone pour him some butterbeer."
Harry sneaks after Snape and Draco and spies on them.
SS: "Draco, about that thing you're working on – do you need any help?"
DM: "Not from you."
SS: "Draco, this is not the time to act like a rebellious teen. If you need me…."
DM stomps away.
Chapter Sixteen: A Very Frosty Christmas
HP: "I saw Snape, guys. And he was offering to help Draco. Told you, he's pure evil."
HG: "Here we go again."
Harry goes to the Weasley's for Christmas and tests his theory on them. They are not impressed.
Remus Lupin: "Gather round, kids, and I'll tell you a fun holiday story. It was Fenrir Greyback who bit me as a boy, the same werewolf who Draco told Borgin was helping him."
HG: "Thanks, but could we hear something more cheerful? Like Gift of the Magi? Sorry, Muggle reference."
HP: "Have you ever heard of the Half-Blood Prince anyone? He used that curse Levicorpus that featured prominently in that infamous Pensieve memory. The one with Snape."
Lupin: "Well, neither James nor Sirius nor me is this Prince bloke."
Percy Weasley: "Hullo, there. Just dropping in to let you all know that I am still a complete and total prat."
Rufus Scrimgeour: "Harry, I've got a proposition. You want to be an Auror, right? Well, maybe if you agree to appear at the Ministry on a regular basis….you know, that kind of thing."
HP: "I don't think so, you hypocritical bastard. Screw you and screw your bribes, too."
Chapter Seventeen: A Sluggish Memory
HP: "Hey look, Apparition lessons. Isn't it great that even with Voldemort on the loose, we can do fun stuff like this."
Later on:
HP: "Dumbledore, sir, guess what? I saw Draco and Snape talking. I think they're up to no good."
AD: "Thank you for telling me this."
HP: "So you're gonna investigate?"
AD: "No, I trust Professor Snape. Now more about Riddle. When he was at Hogwarts, he gathered a group of followers, some of whom became Death Eaters. Then he stole Marvolo's ring and framed him for the murder of Riddle's grandparents and father."
They then visit a memory that shows Riddle as a student trying to get Slughorn to tell him about Horcruxes. However, it has been tampered with by Slughorn himself.
AD: "Harry, it is up to you to get the truth."
HP: "Oh, that should be a breeze."
AD: "Think of it as an early birthday present."
Chapter Eighteen: Birthday Surprises
Professor Slughorn: "Now class, today, I want you to create an anecdote for this poison. Have fun!"
HG: "The Prince won't be able to help you this time, Harry."
HP: "We'll see about that."
Follows the Prince's instructions about anecdotes and succeeds.
PS: "Well done, boy! You're just like your mum. Hey, did I ever tell you that…."
HP: "I have her eyes. Yeah, you mentioned that. Now that you're in such a good mood, there's something I want to ask you….about Horcruxes."
PS: "Oh no. Not that! I don't know nothing about no Horcruxes."
RW: "Time for some wacky high jinks. To fulfill my contractual obligation, I will accidentally ingest a love potion meant for Harry and fall in love with a minor character instead of Lavender Brown, a minor character the reader cares equally about."
PS: "Here, Ron, drink this."
Ron does and promptly goes limp. Harry, showing some belated brainpower, realizes his friend has been poisoned and shoves a bezoar down his throat, per the Prince's instructions.
Chapter Nineteen: Elf Tails
Harry and pals engage in speculation over whether Ron has been intentionally poisoned. Oddly, no one mentions Snape as a suspect.
Mrs. Weasley: "Oh, Harry, you just keep saving my children's lives!"
HP: "It's my pleasure really…Wochter Hagrid!"
Hagrid: "Dumbledore's worried for a change, instead of simply floating through Hogwarts as a serene, bearded, benevolent presence. He's angry with Snape."
HP: "Told you so, told you so!"
Hagrid: "Snape's upset because he has to do something. But I dunno what."
HP: "Um, Hagrid, Snape's always upset. Someone needs to spike his pumpkin juice with Prozac."
Hagrid: "Yeah, but this time it sounded real serious."
Argus Filch: "Time for bed, children. You, too, Hagrid."
Later on
RW: "Harry, I'm in a pickle. I don't want to go with Lavender anymore, but she's still all over me like moss on a Whomping Willow."
HP: "It's called breaking up, Ron. People do it every day. It's not always fun, but it's necessary if you want to hook up with someone else."
RW: "Oh. Well, time for Quidditch. Guess who's the commentator?"
Luna Lovegood: "Hello, all! I'm just beaming down from Planet Eccentric to provide commentary which is both clueless and humorous. It's a thankless job, but someone's got to provide some comic relief…..ooh, watch out, Harry!"
Harry fails to and gets hit on the head with a Bludger, another fun hazard of playing Quidditch.
Madame Pomfrey: "Here, eat some chocolate."
HP: "Nothing like chocolate to cure concussion!."
Later on:
Kreacher: "Kreacher is ashamed to have a master who's friends with a Mudblood. It disgusts him so much, he almost wants to start speaking in the first person."
Dobby: "Don't you dare insult Harry Potter, you creepy racist. Or Dobby will stuff a sock in your mouth!"
HP: "Uh, hi guys. Dobby, go spy on Draco. Find out what he's up to."
Dobby: "Dobby would be honored!"
HP: "You too, Kreacher."
Kreacher: "But he's a pureblood, noble of lineage and of heart….oh all right."
Chapter Twenty: Lord Voldemort's Request
AD: "So, Harry, made any headway on getting the memory from Professor Slughorn?
HP: "Uh….um….."
AD: "I see. Being over a hundred, I know well how effective the disapproving silence is when used properly, even on teenagers. Thus I will employ it to devastating effect. Who says I can't play mind games, too?"
HP: "I'll do better, sir! Please, sir, give me another chance."
AD: "Very well. Now about Riddle. He graduated with every honor, and wanted to teach at Hogwarts. However, he was told he was too young, and because there are apparently no wizard grad schools, he started work at Borgin and Burke. There, he became adept at procuring magical objects from people who didn't always want to part with them."
HP: "Such as?"
AD: "Helga Hufflepuff's cup. Also a locket with the Slytherin mark. Surprisingly, Riddle took these by questionable means. Now look at this memory."
Voldemort: "Hello, Headmaster. How are you?"
AD: "Saddened to hear of your doings, Tom, my boy. If even half that reaches me is true."
V.: "Men of greatness are often misunderstood."
AD: "Indeed, Tom."
V: "Stop calling me Tom. It's my filthy Muggle father's name."
AD: "I see you're still trying to distance yourself from anything ordinary."
V: "I'm here to ask about a teaching job, not listen to your amateur psycho-analysis."
AD: "The answer is no."
HP: "Was it the Defense Against the Dark Arts job he wanted, sir?"
AD: "Indeed."
Chapter Twenty-One: The Unknowable Room
Dobby: "Guess what, Harry Potter? Dobby has discovered where Draco is sneaking off to. It's called the Room of Requirement."
HP: "Gee, considering that I've used that room regularly myself, it's a wonder I didn't think of that. Or Hermione."
HG: "Have you noticed that without the main characters periodically taking leave of their senses, there wouldn't be much of a book/"
HP: "True. But I do know this. Draco stole some Polyjuice Potion, and he's turning Crabbe and Goyle into those unfamiliar girls we keep seeing. Bet they're not happy about that."
In Snape's dungeon:
SS: "My wand is the longest and biggest of anyone's here. Does anyone dare to dispute this?"
HP: "Yeah, I do. I bet Neville's new wand is bigger."
Neville; "Uh, Harry? Leave me out of this, please."
SS: "Twenty points from Gryffindor."
RW: "But that's not fair."
SS: "Twenty more. Oh, how I do enjoy these little spats. I notice Miss Granger is hissing at you to shut up. You might consider taking her advice."
Later on:
Moaning Myrtle: "There's been a boy crying in my bathroom. Poor thing, he's all alone, and so sensitive."
HP: "Must be Draco. Ooh, this'll be fun."
Harry tries to get into the Room of Requirement but fails.
Chapter Twenty-Two: After the Burial
HP: "Aragog's dead, guys. Hagrid's totally upset. Wants us to attend the funeral."
Professor Slughorn: "Since there rare only three of you here today (the rest are taking their Apparition test), make me a potion that will amuse me."
DM: "Don't you love it when teachers decide to abdicate any responsibility and use the period as an excuse to relax. Couldn't we watch a movie instead, sir?"
PS: "No, get to work."
Later on
HP: "Hullo, Hagrid. I met Professor Slughorn on my way here, and he decided to come to the funeral, too."
Hagrid bursts into tears.
HP, who has taken the lucky potion: "Let's drink to Aragog. To Aragog."
Hagrid and Slughorn get tipsy. Harry does not.
Hagrid: "To friendship. To fire whiskey. To strangers willing to part with dragon eggs."
PS, by now trashed: "To Lily Evans. And to Harry who has her eyes!"
HP: "You want to help the son who has her eyes, don't you? You want to help him defeat Voldemor, right?"
PS: "Sure, I guess so….hic"
HP: "Then give me the right memory."
PS: "Oh, hic, all right."
Chapter Twenty- Three: Horcrues
Back in Slughorn's memory.
PS: "A Horcrux is a place where parts of the soul are concealed so they exist outside that person's body. Trust me, Tom, death is preferable to doing something like that."
TR: "Can you split your soul into more than one piece, sir?"
PS: "I suppose, but again, it's not something I'd recommend. Tom, my advice is if someone wants to split your soul, to just say no."
TR: "Whatever."
AD: "Harry, that diary in Book Two was a Horcrux. Presumably, Voldemort has hidden other pieces of his soul in other places. We must find and destroy them all."
HP: "Book Seven's going to be a rocky ride, sir."
AD: "Plus the rest of Book Six. But when the Horcruxes are destroyed, then Voldemort can be killed."
HP: "Yeah, and with the power of love, I'll easily finish him off."
AD: "Sarcasm does not become you, Harry. Never underestimate the power of love."
HP, singing under his breath: "Don't need money, don't need fame…"
AD, stroking his beard: "Don't need no credit card to ride this train."
HP: "I definitely need a new mentor."
Chapter Twenty-Four: Sectumsempra
Katie Bell: "I'm back, I'm back. Did anyone miss me?"
HP: "Sort of. Shoot, I've got a dilemma. I'm in love with Ginny, but she's Ron's sister. Friends do not date friends' sisters without their express permission."
Harry then spies on Draco crying.
HP: "Aw, poor ickle Dracokins."
DM: "I'm going to do the Cruciatus Curse…."
HP: "Not before I do the Sectumsempra one!"
Draco starts bleeding like a stuck pig.
SS: "Boys, boys! Enough! Malfoy to the hospital wing. And you, Potter, where did you get this spell?"
HP: "I read about it in a library book."
SS: "Liar, liar, pants on fire. Give me your Potions book."
HP: "Here it is, sir."
SS: "Why does it have Mr. Weasley's name on it?"
HP: "Uh, because…it used to be Ron's, but we decided to swap for kicks?"
SS: "A half-drunk Hippogriff could come up with a better story. Detention this Saturday."
HP: "But I'll miss the big Quidditch match."
SS: "Dear me, what a tragedy. Excuse me, I think I might just start to…cry."
Later in Snape's dungeon
SS: "Copy out all the punishments that have ever been given in the history of Hogwarts. Start with the years your father was here."
HP: "I hate you."
SS: "Have you ever wondered, Mr. Potter, why I always manage to give you detention on the day of a Quidditch match? Isn't it a shame, Professor McGonagall is too ethical to do the same to members of your opponents' teams?"
RW: "Not so fast. We won anyway!"
Chapter Twenty-Five: The Seer Overheard
HG: "Hey, I found this old yearbook in the library with a girl called Eileen Prince. Maybe she's the Half-Blood Prince."
HP: "No way. The Prince is a bloke. If he went to Hogwarts now, we'd be great mates."
Professor Trelawney: "If anyone cares. I overheard a boy whooping in the Room of Requirement. He sounded awfully happy."
HP: "It's Draco! Let's go tell Dumbledore."
PT: "Time for some exposition. When I interviewed for this job, I told Dumbledore of the prophecy about you and Voldemort. However, a rude, pushy young man by the name of Severus Snape spied upon me….Hey, where are you going?"
AD: "Hullo, Harry, I've found a Horcrux. Or think I have. It's in a cave. Let's take a field trip."
HP, red-faced and panting: "Okay."
AD: "You seem angry about something."
HP: "OF COURSE, YOU MORON. SNAPE GOT MY MUM AND DAD MURDERED! HE'S NOT JUST A CREEP WITH POOR HYGIENE CARRYING PETTY GRUDGES, HE'S EVIL"
AD: "Harry, lose the capital letters, and I'll explain. Professor Snape made a terrible mistake. When he realized that, he came to me and confessed. So I still trust him completely."
HP: "You're mental. There's no other explanation."
AD: "That's enough. Now, do you want to come with me to the cave or not?"
HP: "Oh why not. It's not like my life doesn't already have enough drama."
Chapter Twenty-Six: The Cave
HP: "Is this where the cave is? By the sea?"
AD: "Yes, it's where the young Riddle was taken on a field trip. Now jump in and we'll take a merry swim in these grim, monster-infested waters!"
HP: "If you say so."
AD: "Here we have come to a door in the cave. It needs payment in blood. Here I go."
HP: "No! There's no need for you to self-injure, I will."
AD: "Too late. Accio Horcruxes!"
HP: "Huh?"
AD: "Nothing. Well, time to swim again."
HP: "I'm getting a serious Goonies vibe here. That's a Muggle movie, sir."
AD: "That's nice. Oh, look a boat. Climb in."
HP: "Is that a hand I see in the water?"
AD: "Yep. Careful not to dangle yours, or you could lose it. Now here we are at a Magical Island complete with a Basin on a Pedestal."
HP: "Cool!"
AD: "I must drink its contents. Here's to risks!"
HP: "No, sir! No. You could die! Sirius already croaked, I can't lose another father figure."
AD: "I am in agony, yet I will persevere, thus teaching my young charge about self-sacrifice."
An army of dead men, women and children rise from the water and approach, but Harry hurls curses at them and manages to escape. He and Dumbledore Apparate back.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Lightning-Struck Tower
AD: "Get Professor Snape at once, Harry."
HP: "Okay….what's that funky looking object in the sky?"
AD: "That's the mark of the Dark Lord. He has managed to invade Hogwarts…..Evening, Draco, how nice to see you."
DM: "I let Death Eaters into your school. Whatcha gonna do now, old man?"
AD: "Draco, you are not a killer. Why don't you sit down and we'll discuss this over a box of Chocolate Frogs."
DM: "Don't you patronize me. I'm on a Very Important Mission, and I'm gonna kill you."
AD: "Really?"
DM: "I've been doing stuff all term, and you haven't even noticed. I poisoned Katie Bell, and now I'm going to help Voldemort triumph."
AD: "Well, I'll give you an 'A' for effort. Very good work, Mr. Malfoy. What you lack in sheer brainpower, you make up for with tenacity and cunning."
A group of Death Eaters, including Snape enter smugly.
AD: "Severus, please…"
SS: "Avada Kedavra!"
Dumbledore dies.
Chapter Twenty-Eight: Flight of the Prince
HP: "I'll get you, Malfoy. Try this curse on…hey!"
SS: "Run, Draco. Potter, you foolish boy. You're still not mean enough to perform Unforgivable Curses."
HP: "Coward!"
SS: "Not as big as your daddy was! He couldn't even invent his own spells, he had to use the Half-Blood Prince's. Or in other words, mine!"
Hagrid; "Hey, come back here, Snape. Darn, he's Disapparated."
HP: "Hey, here's the locket. And a blank parchment inside."
Hagrid: "Reckon it's Invisible Ink. Here, rub it with an onion."
HP: "Oh, shoot, this isn't a Horcrux. Just a message from someone called R.A.B. Dumbledore died for nothing."
Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Phoenix Lament
Ginny Weasley: "Hullo, Harry. No one on our side's dead, but Bill was bitten by Greyback. He's all right, but he's going to display some wolfish traits from now on."
Fleur: "I don't care. I will still marry him in an eartbeat!"
Professor McGonagall: "How could we have ever trusted Snape? But Dumbledore said he was trustworthy, and we all believed him."
The rest of the wacky magical posse appears.
Remus Lupin: "Oh, Tonks. I can't marry you. You deserve a husband who won't howl at the moon once a month."
Tonks: "I have flaws of my own. I crack my knuckles when stressed and forget to re-seal the potato chips so they go stale fast. Let's get hitched anyway."
Professor McGonagall: "Yes, well, more importantly, how can we keep Hogwarts open after the parents hear about this little fiasco?"
Hagrid: "I think we should stay open. Keep Dumbledore's spirit alive though his body is gone."
Others in attendance: "Here, here."
Chapter Thirty: The White Tomb
HG: "Hey, guess what I've found out. That Eileen Prince was Snape's mum. He's got a Muggle dad, like Voldemort."
HP: "He is pure evil. I bet he knew I had his book all along."
After Dumbledore's funeral.
HP: "Ginny, we have to break up. Voldemort will use you to get to me, if he knows we're together."
GW: "I don't care. But if you must go, let's have a good snog…oh, hold on."
Rufus Scrimgeour: "Sure you won't reconsider my offer, Harry?"
HP: "No, I'm still Dumbledore's man, through and through. Wacky field trips and all."
The End