The Secret's in the Telling
Chapter 1: Broken
Disclaimer: If I owned Castle I'd probably not be stuck here for the Holidays in the cold and be off vacationing somewhere warm, but yet that is not the case.
Castle sat at the counter of the Old Haunt alone, the bar had been empty for over an hour now, and yet he continued to refill his cup of scotch. He should head home, see how Alexis was, and his mother, but he couldn't bring himself to go back to the loft. He had been there too often in the last few days, staring at the same walls, feeling trapped. He had nowhere else to be, and it killed him. He left after dinner that evening, claiming he needed to get out, and watched the concern looks cross his daughters and mothers faces as he pulled on his jacket and scarf and left the loft.
He wandered the streets for a few hours, not sure where to go, but definitely not wanting to return home. He couldn't be there, and he didn't want to be. It was hard enough to stomach everything that had happened when he wasn't just sitting and stewing in his thoughts in the loft. He watched the cars as they went by, the people walking on the streets, all with looks of determination, as if they had somewhere to be. He simply walked, he didn't know for how long or far, and didn't care, anything to take his attention of his own thoughts.
He had ended up at the Old Haunt a few hours later, and it was nearly midnight. He sent a quick text to Alexis, informing her of his whereabouts and telling her not to worry, though he was sure that it would only make him worry more. He debated turning his phone off, blocking out the world, but the last thing he wanted to do was miss a call or text from her if she finally decided to answer one of the million it seemed that he had sent her in the past few days.
The bartender gave him a small smile and nod, as he sat down at the end of the bar, grabbing himself a glass and the nearest bottle of scotch. It was half empty, nothing he couldn't handle, and poured himself a drink. A little alcohol to take the edge off, he thought, not that he hadn't already tried that, with little to no success resulting from it, nothing could take the edge off. He had royally fucked up; there really was no better way to put it. He couldn't even be angry with her for being hurt, and angry, it was his fault; his choices, that had gotten him in this position.
He swirled the scotch around in the glass, watching the circular motion it made in it, the sound of the ice cubes clicking against the sides fell on his ears, before he brought the glass to his lips and downed the rest of the amber liquid that filled it. The burn of it going down his throat a friendly feeling rather than a foreign one, which it should have been. He poured himself another glass, he could call a car to bring him home, or walk back, he didn't have to worry about driving, and if the scotch was going to be able to make him not think, than he was going to need a lot more than the part bottle that sat in front of him.
Kate Beckett got back to her apartment after long and exhausting day and threw her coat and heels off and collapsed on the couch. It had been a rough few days, and rough was quite the understatement. She looked at her phone, four voicemails and six unread text messages, and that was just from today. She should clear them, make them go away, delete them, anything, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She didn't want to listen to them or read them, she couldn't hear another apology from him, or another plea for her to answer him, call him, text him, do anything to let him know that she was okay. She ran her hands through her hair, letting out a deep breath. She just wanted things to go back to normal, back to when she was trying to get healed, back when she was happier than she had been in months. Here she was, willing to try, wanting to move on from everything, and now that seemed like an impossible feat. She shouldn't let him get to her, but it was the one thing that sent her over the edge, and she couldn't let it go.
She walked to her bathroom, dropping her clothing as she went, she would pick it up later. Right now she hoped that a scalding hot shower could wash away some of her pain. She was not going to let this get to her again tonight. She had spent the last few, alone, in her apartment trying to keep herself together and failing miserably. She tossed and turned at night, the nightmares back, and work was exhausting, she spent the entire day chasing down suspects and still had yet to get anywhere on the case.
Just as things were getting better, the shoe dropped, she knew they couldn't stay that way, they never did, and now it was like a chain reaction, an avalanche of stress and hurt was crashing down around her. Katherine Beckett wanted nothing more than to catch a break. Just a little bit of time where she could be truly happy, not have a care in the world, but clearly that was too much to ask. She scrubbed at her body in the shower as if she could scrub away the pain, but had no luck. She had held her tears at bay, and she was refusing to break down again, not another night. She didn't want him to get the satisfaction of doing this too her. She was a strong, independent woman, this shouldn't be affecting her, but it was her one weakness. He had found that small hole in her wall, and it had come crashing down, he had broken through, and she had let him, only for things to backfire in her face. She knew she kept that wall up for a reason, not letting people in, in order to keep herself safe, and this was just another reason to never let anyone through again. The wall she could rebuild, she was sure of it, and she had done it before, but she didn't know if she could rebuild herself right now, pick up the pieces that he shattered. She didn't want to have to, she liked being whole and healed, starting to become a little less broken, but now that it was no longer the case, the last thing she wanted to do was have to pull herself together.
She had no choice in the matter though, she let him in and now she had to face the consequences. Though it was easier knowing there were still things she had kept to herself. She had put herself out there, almost completely, but something in the back of her mind nagged at her not to do it, and she was glad she listened. She couldn't imagine the state she would be in had she been completely truthful, how much more hurt and in pain she would be right now. Her current state was bad enough though; there was no need to think about how it could be worse.
She dressed in pyjamas after her shower, curled up in her bed, her stomach growling in protest at the lack of food she had consumed over the course of the day. She couldn't be bothered by it though, she simply shut of the lights of her bedroom and pulled the covers up to her chin, praying that sleep would find her soon, that her thoughts would stop travelling at a mile a minute, and that she could have a peaceful night, free of the nightmares that had returned. But she knew the chances of any of those happening were slim to none. She didn't hold out for any of them to grace her.
Castle cursed himself as he finished the bottle in front of him. The Old Haunt closed, and everyone one gone home apart from himself. That was the good thing about owning the bar, always a place for him to escape. Although he generally would much rather be escaping with Kate at the precinct, or her apartment, even his. But he knew that wasn't an option. He debated calling her again, he knew his chances of just getting to leave another voicemail for her were higher than anything else, but he wanted her to know how much pain this had caused him, that it wasn't just her that was hurting.
He opted not to, knowing that she would know he had been drinking the moment he opened his mouth, and he would really rather her not. Instead car service would do, he had to get back to the loft, get some sleep, and hope that tomorrow he could wake up, get some writing done, and try to fix things all over again.
Alexis was on the couch asleep when he returned to the loft, she had been worried about him, and even more so than usual with him refusing to tell her what was going on. He placed a kiss to her temple, and covered her back up with the blanket.
"Dad?" She asked quietly, as she wasn't quite awake.
"Don't worry about me Alexis, I'm home and heading to bed," he answered her. He felt bad for the extra worry the girl had taken on due to his state the last few days.
"I love you, Dad," she replied, her voice low and mumbled as she begin to drift back into sleep. "Everything's going to be okay," she finished, letting out a deep breath and curling the blanket into her.
"I know darling, sweet dreams," he replied, though he knew that she would not hear it. He needed to believe that things would be okay, because if he was be able to believe it there was a slight chance that he could make it true.
This is the first chapter to my new angsty little multi-chapter fic! Hope you guys all enjoyed it, and aren't in too much suspense as to what has happened. Please leave me some lovely feedback on what you thought! We are in for a roller coaster ride with this one when it comes to what I have planned out so far, so I hope you guys are looking forward to it!