This was not how it was supposed to go.
Not now. Not here.
All she had done was told Delphine that she was sick. Dying, more likely, but sick just sounded better. So she had said it, and the solemn look in the blonde's eyes had made her crumble. She didn't push Delphine away this time. She didn't even fight it as she was gathered into her arms and held tightly. She wasn't disgusted. She wasn't angry. She welcomed it. She wanted to be there, shielded in Delphine's arms forever, no matter how many times her brain told her otherwise.
So she fought, crying and battling internally, all the while, her head resting against the burning skin of Delphine's neck. And with so much fire and energy and life inside her brain, she found herself tiring quickly, the war raging in her body and soul fizzling out into that of a minor skirmish.
At first she didn't feel it, but then Delphine's nails brushed against her bare stomach and she jerked, clamping her sweater firmly to her body, sitting up and straightening her back until she was looking down at the blonde.
"Shhh," Delphine whispered, reaching up and gently brushing her cheek with the backs of her knuckles. "Trust me."
The words were so bare and desperate, heavy with one hundred other meanings, Cosima didn't know if she could answer. How could she?
"I can't," she whimpered.
"Please," Delphine reasoned, her fingers back to tugging at the hem of her sweater. "You're tired."
The words and actions said two different things, and Cosima couldn't help but furrow her brow. What was going on? Was it a French thing? Was she totally misinterpreting the 'let's get naked and fuck' signs with the 'you need to sleep' signs or were both being thrown at her?
She must've loosened her grip on her sweater in her confusion, because all of a sudden, Delphine has peeled it off her. Her fingers skimmed down the now unveiled stomach, and Cosima shivered against her will. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to make herself push Delphine away.
She's supposed to be angry at her.
She's supposed to hate her.
She didn't make any moves, though, and Delphine's hands traced the curves of her sides before slipping around to her back. For a moment, she dragged her hands lower, skimming the edge of Cosima's skirt, but then she stroked broadly upward, wedging her fingers underneath her bra. She unhooked it slowly, the garment loosening and falling between them.
Cosima was ready to blush, but when she opened her eyes, Delphine was looking right back at her. Her brown eyes were soft and safe. Not lusty. Not malevolent. Not manipulative.
And Cosima felt small and exposed. Even as she sat there in Delphine's lap, towering over her. Even when her hands flew up to cover her chest. Even though she knew she could push Delphine off and yell for her to go away and the woman would simply ask 'how far'.
She felt so exposed and vulnerable because for the first time, she was not in control, even with nothing to control her. She was caught. She was trapped by Delphine. There was no escaping her anymore, because she would never want to escape her.
And that was petrifying.
Tears spilled out and onto her cheeks, but Delphine waited. She was waiting for an okay. With her mind screaming no, Cosima nodded yes, slowly letting her hands drop to her sides. Delphine surprised her again. She didn't look down. She didn't let her hands wander. She wiped Cosima's tears away with her thumb, her own eyes starting to water.
And then she pulled Cosima into a hug, so gentle and loving, Cosima did not know what to do. Her hands hovered for a long time, inches from Delphine, before she slowly relaxed them into bare skin of the blonde's shoulders. For a long time, they didn't move. They just sat there, a mess of tangled limbs, holding onto each other carefully and firmly all at once. Pushing boundaries and avoiding them paradoxically.
Delphine then shifted, rolling onto her back and pulling Cosima on top of her. Cosima didn't flinch, but allowed it. She then felt soft sensations running up and down her back. Delphine's fingers. Her palms. Her nails and knuckles. Tenderly and softly and with such love, the blonde simply stroked Cosima's bare back, placing a barely there kiss on the top of her head.
What was going on? Why? What were they doing?
"Skin contact soothes," Delphine whispered in explanation. "This will increase your oxytocin levels."
Because even without being in her head, she knew Cosima. She knew her brain never stopped. Not entirely.
"And you need to sleep," she reiterated.
Cosima tensed, trying to decide exactly what to do. She felt so…nicejust lying there, but she didn't want to send wrong messages to Delphine. She wanted them to at least put words to where they were at, but she didn't think she had the words to even begin to define it.
"Delphine…" she started warily.
Delphine's palms pressed harder into her back on their next stroke upwards.
"Not right now," she whispered. "Rest."
"But…"
"I will be here when you get up. We can talk then."
After a moment's hesitation, Cosima relaxed. She rested her full weight on Delphine's body, closing her eyes and exhaling deeply. Delphine's hands continued their gentle strokes on her back, tracing random patterns in slow, sensual movements. She moved her head to fit in the crook between Delphine's neck and shoulder; her skin was blazing hot.
She lay there peacefully, listening to the thrumming of Delphine's heart, focusing solely on the indication of life as she drifted off to sleep. It was steady and reliable and no matter what, it would keep beating through the whole night.
She must've slept well, because when she woke, it wasn't from any disturbance. No alarm. No noises. No intense light. She just sort of faded back into consciousness. She was sprawled out across Felix's couch on her stomach, her cheek pressed (and probably stuck) to the leather. Blinking to clear her vision, she saw a rather large blob near her face that could only be her glasses.
She clumsily put them on with one hand.
Delphine was sitting on the floor between the couch and the table, legs curled to one side. She was scrolling on her laptop with one hand, the other one cradling a rather large glass of wine, now nearly empty.
For a moment, she just watched. Sometime during the evening, Delphine had dimmed all the lights in the apartment, the only real light was on in the bathroom. The blue glow of the laptop on Delphine's face made her look almost…angelic. Her hair was more mussed than before, curls wisping out and framing her face. She took another sip, her jaw jutting out in just the right way, the shadows highlighting her soft cheeks and warm eyes.
It felt so domestic.
And she hadn't realized she wanted that.
She hadn't realized that she in fact, did, want to wake up and find Delphine there, not for any particular reason, but simply because she wanted to stay.
She still felt hesitant, though. How could she just jump right into that? After all they'd been through? It would be stupid. It would be foolish and naïve. Then again, she never really was that mature. Still. She didn't want to jump into anything half-baked, especially if this thing with her and Delphine could turn out perfect, so long as she didn't rush.
But she most certainly wanted it eventually.
"Hey," she mumbled scratchily.
Delphine turned her head enough to catch Cosima's stare. A smile spread over her face.
"You're awake."
"Mhm," Cosima hummed sleepily. "You knocked me out."
"That was my goal."
Cosima smiled and pushed herself up to a sitting position on the couch. Delphine stayed seated on the floor, her hand still continuing to scroll.
"What're you doing?"
"Nothing important," Delphine deflected, trying to turn her screen away.
"Is that my genome?"
Delphine paused, considering whether or not to lie. She chose the right option. "Yes."
"Why?"
"I'm looking for any genetic defects that might cause your…sickness."
"You're wasting your time." She hadn't meant to sound bitter, but that was exactly what her tone was.
Delphine ignored her, looking back to the screen and continuing her scrolling.
"C'mon. I've already gone to the source. I checked the blood. There's nothing wrong with me, it's just there—"
"Which is why it is more than likely a genetic problem—"
"Just stop, Delphine. There's nothing. I've already checked."
Delphine frowned at the screen, trying to collect herself.
"Is there any reason I can't look anyway?"
"I just don't see any point. I can't be helped. Maybe it'll just go away."
Cosima didn't notice the tension building in Delphine's shoulders. The woman was absoulutely livid.
"C'est tout? I'm supposed to just sit around and watch you die?"
"No, that's not it, Delphine. I've just already checked. There's nothing to look at—"
"No! No, you haven't checked everything. I will check everything," Delphine said, a waver in her voice. "I will scour every bit of your DNA to fix you, chér —Cosima. Alright?"
She finally looked back, pleading in her doe eyes.
"No! Not alright!," Cosima snapped. "There are three billion, thirty six million, three hundred and three thousand, eight hundred and forty six base pairs in twenty three of my chromosomes! You cannot check every one for something! It's not physically possible—"
"I can and I will!" Delphine shouted through her tears, slamming her hand down onto the table.
Cosima's mouth hung open for a second before she snapped it shut. They sat in silence, Delphine shuddering as she tried to get ahold of herself, but her tears continued to fall. "And after I do that, I'll go back through with the binary and look for any indication of an expiration date sequence anywhere! There is always an answer."
"Delphine…" Cosima protested gently.
She waited until Delphine looked up at her with those wide, shining eyes. "It'll kill you."
Delphine sniffled, wiping at the corner of her eye before looking down at the floor.
"I don't care, so long as you get to live."
A beat of silence passed, Cosima staring at Delphine and Delphine staring at the ground. Understanding filled Cosima.
"You don't have to do that," she said, more firmly. "You don't need to hurt yourself to make it up to me."
Delphine didn't respond. She didn't answer or look up or even move for that matter. Cosima reached out, but as soon as her fingers brushed Delphine's shoulder, the blonde jerked away.
"Don't give me something I do not deserve."
She put her head in her hands, exhaling harshly in a defeated sigh. Cosima realized Delphine had had a lot of time alone with her thoughts while she had been sleeping.
"Please look at me."
Delphine dropped her hands away from her face, but kept her chin down, eyes trained on the ground.
"Delphine," Cosima said firmly.
When she again failed to respond, Cosima reached out and forcibly lifted Delphine's chin up, holding it so their gazes met. Delphine's doe eyes were scared and horrified.
"I don't forgive you yet."
Delphine blinked in shock.
"But I…I can. Inside me, I know that when the time comes, I can forgive you, and I will."
The chin she was holding quivered.
"Not yet." Delphine's whimper fell somewhere between a confirmation and a reiteration, her pitch rising despite her efforts to keep composed.
Cosima shook her head gently, her eyes softening.
"No. Not yet."
She paused, her fingers releasing Delphine's chin, instead softly caressing her cheek. "And I don't know where that leaves us. Because…I don't…want you away. I want you close."
Delphine sighed deeply, nuzzling into Cosima's hand before a chill ran up her body. She let her head fall forward, burying her face into the tops of Cosima's thighs, relieved tears spilling out.
Cosima gently put her hand in Delphine's hair, dragging her nails softly across the blonde's scalp, over and over. Cosima felt her own tears burning at her eyes, but she set her jaw and held them back. Now wasn't the time. Eventually, the blonde's crying died down. She sniffled and lifted her head enough to look up at Cosima, her chin resting on the brunette's knee.
"So…are we…friends?"
The question gave Cosima pause. Her mouth formed into a tight line as she thought, her eyes eventually locking with Delphine's.
"No…No I want you as…mine. But I mean…I'm not ready to be…really invested, but—" She cut herself off with a sigh, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind Delphine's ear. "I just need some time to process. So…We'll go slow. Okay? Like…stuck in tar pits slow."
Delphine gave a half-hearted laugh.
"Okay."
A moment of silence fell between them. It wasn't heavy. It wasn't exactly comfortable, either. It was just…there.
"Are you hungry?" Delphine asked quietly.
Cosima considered seriously for a moment, before giving Delphine the smallest smile.
"Do you know who you're talking to? I'll have whatever times three."