Looking down at my wrist, I remember the first time we talked. The first time you /really/ noticed me.. When you noticed everything.. "Notice me." stood out among the other scars that never went away. I let you in.. I told you the secrets I hadn't even told Al.. You were the only person who...noticed me...
You kissed my scars, telling me that no matter what ever happened this wasn't the answer. For the first time, I saw /you./ The person who had gone through hell and back, just like I had. The one that needed someone to lean on. For the first time, I met the only person who cared.
The day you mustered up the courage to ask me out, I finally felt happy again. You told me when ever I was upset...to remember that even the hardest times end, and you should walk into the world with a smile. And I lived my life by that rule.
Then, you disappeared.
I sat on the edge of my bed, tears forming in my eyes. The bed...that we would sleep together in, cuddled close on colder nights.. It had grown into a vast land of emptiness and I couldn't bare to sleep in it anymore, it hurt too much. Pancakes... I can't even think about them anymore. No matter how much I love them, I loved you more. I gave them to you, and it brought us closer. Gil...please come back... "Remember that even the hardest times end, and you should walk into the world with a smile."
I looked at the small blade in my hands, running the cool metal over my finger tips. I couldn't die...but I could try.. Maybe then I'd get to see you again... Even if it was just for a day... I just want to let you know how much I love you... I just want to fall asleep in your arms one more time..
I want to wake up in the morning with you by my side. I want to wake up smiling again. I just want you to come home... But.. I know you never will...It's not that I'm not trying to get over it...that I'm not trying to move on with my life... I just can't do it..
Remember how you'd always call me birdie? Can...can you call me it? Just...one last time before you go? Just...just to let me know you'll never forget me.. Like you promised.. Please... Just remind me I'll always be your awesome birdie... Gilly.. please tell me this all just a joke.. That you'll make it up to me with pancakes and hugs like every other time.. I can't lose you... Please..
My heart ached in my chest, tears spilling onto the floor. Everyone told me to just get over it. Like it was no big deal that you were gone. I told myself they just didn't understand, but I was wrong... They didn't /want/ to understand. It makes me wonder..did they ever even try to notice me?
Or...is it right to say you were all I had? I don't know what to do anymore Gilly.. I don't have a reason to live anymore.. No one notices me, no one wants me here.. You were my everything.. Please...come home...
I love how well I've gotten at acting.. Everyone thinks I'm okay.. I pressed the blade against my wrist, I'd rather be dead than live a life with no meaning. It's never the answer, but right now it's the only answer.
Gilly...I want you to come back.. So badly.. I can't stop crying... I need you to hold me and tell me everything will be okay.
I need to realize you aren't coming home... and that crying over an oven every day, making pancakes for you is pointless. That leaving them on the table and hoping to see you walk through the door with that beautiful smile is pointless. That I'm just disappointing you...that I'm the one who isn't trying.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I picked up my cell phone and dialed his number. "H-hey Al...c-can I come over? I really n-need someone to talk to right now."
Quickly pulling on my coat and shoes, I turned to the pancakes that rested on the table untouched. One day I'll see you again...that day just isn't anytime soon.. Turning back to the door, I smiled weakly to myself, reciting what you said to me the day we first met, as I stepped out into the world in front of me.