Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Just playing around with how I hoped 18 would turn out. The characters and original story line belong to JE.

Warning: Spoilers for all books possible, 1-18.

Author's Note: This is my first attempt at actually writing something. Please be gentle, but let me know what you think.

I can't believe the last few weeks of my life. It has been a whirlwind of emotions combining everything from fear and lust to an indescribable love.

It all started a few weeks ago when that psycho Dave was killing people and leaving them for me as "presents". Seeing a note offering a dead body as a gift to me sent me into a spiral. Of course, I blamed it on one of Grandma Bella's silly curses. Vordo…seriously? I think that is the furthest into denial land I've gotten in a while.

But the fear helped to break down the walls I'd built up against Ranger ever since that ridiculous DeChooch deal. After that night, I knew what making love was. And despite my best efforts to recreate it with Morelli, it just wasn't there. Now don't get me wrong, Morelli is great in bed. He always made sure I got mine before he got his, but it was just different. He wasn't…Ranger.

Ranger was MAGIC. There really is no other way to describe him. The way he touched my body penetrated my soul. And then when he said those words… "repair your relationship with Morelli," I thought I would completely crumble. But even with the split in my heart so deep that I feared it would never beat the same way again, I couldn't stay away from him.

And he saved me time and again. Not in the way I wanted him to save me mind you, I wanted him to take me in his arms and never let me go. But he did save me. And I tried to fix it with Morelli. I did. I went back to him and I even tried to live with him and Heaven forbid I almost married him. But the thought of giving up on Ranger and the possibility of "Someday" made me do crazy things to push Morelli away.

I knew Morelli didn't like my job and he hated me working with Ranger. I tried to give up my job, but the crazies didn't go away and there was no way I could give up Ranger. And thank God I didn't, because he saved me when Con went crazy and crammed me in a casket and then a cabinet. He saved me, again. But never the way I wanted him to.

And then when Julie was missing, I saw a small break down in Ranger's walls. He let me in, even though it was in tiny doses, he let me in. And having him in my bed, kissing me almost broke down my walls. Because no matter how hard I fought to keep Ranger at arms length, having his body in close proximity of mine sent my mind into a freefall and had every part of my body screaming take me.

Watching him walk into my apartment with his hands raised willing to take a bullet to save me and his daughter cracked those walls. Making eye contact with him moments before Scrog shot him right in front of me definitely took some chunks out of those walls. I had never seen that look in his eyes before. I couldn't even describe what that look was, I never saw it again so clearly until Hawaii.

After Dave was dead I was left with American Airline gift cards and I needed to get away. And what better place to get away to than somewhere nice and warm and far from Trenton? And definitely far away from Ranger. After my crazy slip with the "Vordo" I knew that my walls were set for a freefall and I couldn't stay in such close proximity to him.

So I invited Joe. Crazy right? I mean, it is so obvious to me that I just didn't love him. I mean, I love Joe and I probably always will but I'm not in love with him. I'm not sure if I ever was in love with Joe. Joe was comfortable. Joe was the safest thing I'd known for a long time and after Dickie, I needed safe. Although, if I opened my eyes a little more clearly, Joe wasn't all that different from Dickie.

Granted, Joe isn't a DICK, but he has never loved me for me. He has loved me for what he wanted me to be. The perfect Burg housewife. The wife who cooks and cleans and has his dinner on the table at 6 every night while wrangling a brood of Morelli boys all day. And if Joe bothered to look at me, I mean really look at me for just a few minutes he would see that that so obviously isn't me. He loves my body he just wanted a different person inside of it.

But I'm getting away from myself here. Joe couldn't come to Hawaii with me. Or wouldn't come. He had a case he was working on with Terri Gilman. He said it was time sensitive and that there was no one else that could fill in for him. Part of me wondered if it was that no one could fill in for him, or that he didn't want anyone else to work that closely with Terri. They have a history and despite my best efforts to push the thoughts from my mind that his relationship with Terri was no more than work, I couldn't. And if I'm being completely honest with myself, his relationship with Terri was not much different than my relationship with Ranger.

Since Joe wasn't with me, I decided to go alone. I didn't trust myself with Ranger alone on the Hawaiian islands. My walls were already dangerously close to coming down completely and I just couldn't go there. My heart still wasn't repaired from the last time he sent me back to Morelli. And even though he didn't really mention Morelli the entire time I was allowing my lust for him to cloud my brain with visions of "vordo" I couldn't let him send me back. I just couldn't. So I went alone. But I didn't stay alone.

While I was lying on the beach I found that illusive skip that had evaded Ranger and myself for far too long and even though my skills have improved since the first time The Rug got away, I still knew there was no way I could get him on my own. So what did I do? I did what I always do, I called Ranger.

He got us into that married only resort and put a ring on my finger so we could watch the Rug and wait for our chance to nab him and take him in. But from the moment he slipped those rings on my finger something changed. I couldn't describe the difference and I know Ranger didn't want to acknowledge it either, so we did what do best and avoided it. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at things, it didn't keep us from really being together. But honestly, how was I supposed to resist. Rubbing suntan lotion on each other while clad in a tiny bikini and him in low hung board shorts. I did good to keep my tongue in my mouth and avoid dripping drool every time I looked at him.

But at night when we climbed into bed together, the way he would start the night off just holding me, I couldn't resist him. And he couldn't resist me. Curling into his warm body just melted every last bit of my walls to the ground and I let him love me. And he let me love him. We didn't say the words to each other, too much was at stake. Our friendship that has turned into the best friendship I've had in my entire life was on the line. Now granted, I still have Mary Lou, but my friendship with Ranger is oh so different. I couldn't risk it by mumbling those three words. I thought them. Oh I thought them time and time again as he brought me higher than I've ever reached. The way he touched my body was even more intimate than the first time. I could feel how much he loved me even if he couldn't tell me and even if he wouldn't let himself give in to those feelings, I knew they were there.

It was the most spectacular few days of my life… up until our talk. Nothing could have prepared me for that talk.

Ranger had been "off" all day. He had held me close as we walked along the beach following The Rug. The way he pushed my curls behind my ear when we sat down to enjoy a picnic lunch on the beach. The look in his eyes so similar to the look he had when he came in to face Scrog. The look that was screaming I love you and goodbye all at the same time. I don't know what had caused it. We still hadn't rounded up The Rug and we weren't scheduled to check out for a few more days. I couldn't understand why it looked like he was going to say goodbye and I certainly didn't want to ask him, but as we were closing in on dinnertime, my curious nature over took me and I just had to ask.

We were sitting by the pool on loungers so close together and he was unconsciously spinning the rings on my left hand as he looked out at seemingly nothing. I had never seen Ranger so unaware of what was going on around him. The Rug had gone into his room and we were taking some time to just relax, but Ranger was anything but relaxed. He looked…lost.

I couldn't stand it anymore so I finally asked, "Ranger, what is wrong?"

He looked at me for the longest time and just when I thought he wasn't going to answer he started to speak. "Babe, there is something I need to talk to you about. I talked to Tank earlier and according to his intel, Morelli is on a flight and should be arriving in Hawaii at anytime now."

I was floored. It certainly wasn't what I was expecting and I had no idea what I should be doing about it. I just stared at him.

"I can call and get the room you gave up when I got here back if that is what you want."

I had no idea what to say. He was pushing me away again. I could feel the tears biting at the backs of my eyes and just as I started to pull my hand away, he squeezed it tight and let it pour out.

"Or you could stay with me. Babe, don't fix it. Not this time, please?"

It took me what seemed like hours to oh so eloquently say, "fix what?" I thought I knew what he was talking about, but I needed to hear him say it. And boy did he ever.

"Babe, I have fought this and pushed you away for so long and I just can't anymore. When I'm not with you, all I do is think about you. I can't sleep at night because you aren't with me. I find myself sneaking into your apartment more nights than not just to make sure you are safe and that he isn't with you. And when he is with you, I spend my nights in the gym beating the crap out of the punching bag. I've tried and tried to keep you at arms' length, but when you called me to come here and help with The Rug, everything changed. When I slipped those rings on your finger something in me just clicked. I have never wanted to put real rings on someone's finger so desperately. With Rachel it wasn't real, and even though right now it isn't real, it feels more real than I ever thought I would want it to."

"Babe, I love you. I don't know if I can promise you a house with a white picket fence and I certainly don't know if I want any more kids, but I do know one thing with absolute certainty. And that is that I want you. All of you. I want to go to bed holding you and wake up looking into those beautiful blue eyes and seeing your gorgeous smile every morning. I want to make love to you every day for the rest of my life. I'm not sure if I am ready for actual marriage right now, but I know that I want to be with you. And if you want a ring on your finger I will give it you. But I'm already committed to you. I'm not going anywhere ever again if you'll let me stay, Babe. Please, don't fix whatever relationship you have with Morelli."

I know at that point I truly resembled a goldfish. I have never heard Ranger say that much at once and I didn't know how to respond. He just told me everything I have wanted to hear for so long. I didn't know if I wanted the marriage or the kids or the white picket fence but I knew with everything in me that I wanted Ranger.

His eyes were searching my face for some kind of clue that he hadn't just opened himself up to be shot down, when I stood from my lounger. I had my back to him and I swear I heard him sigh. As I turned to him with tears in my eyes the look in his eyes went from completely lost to completely found in less than 2 seconds. I smiled and then he smiled. I straddled him on his lounger, took his face in both of my hands and kissed him. I kissed him with everything I had in me. As we pulled away breathless I looked at him and said, "I love you. And I want all of you too. The rest, we can figure out another day."

My talk with Joe went better than expected the next day. There was quite a bit of yelling between the both of us, but I feel like we ended things on pretty good terms. Joe admitted that he feels as protective of Terri as Ranger has always been of me and maybe it is because deep down he has always loved her. And while I'm sure it will be an even bumpier ride for them than it was for us, I hope for his sake that he and Terri can make it work. I just want Joe to be happy, with Terri or someone else. He deserves to be happy.

And I am happy, for the first time in a really long time maybe even ever, I am truly happy. Ranger makes me happy. Oh boy, does he make me happy! Right now we are taking things as they come and it is an adjustment to both of us taking our relationship from best friends to best friends and lovers, but I think we are both enjoying the ride. I know I sure am.