You've Cat to Be Kitten Me

Eins walked down the steps of Wienner's courthouse — from yet another event that he had been demanded to attend, for no reason other than to grace the area with his presence. He sighed. He'd had enough of that for this calendar year.

He nearly made it to the carriage — except for a faint mewling that rose from the alleyway at his right.

Eins stopped. He looked over the railing, then decided to keep the carriage driver waiting and see what the matter was for himself. It wasn't as though Ernst was here to hold him to the usual schedules and itineraries. He stepped onto the street and headed into the alleyway.

The cobblestones were flooded with stale rainwater, and a lone box with fraying string sat beneath a dirty window. A particularly piteous mewl floated up from the box.

…Someone's child? Eins glanced around. They weren't in Wienner's red light districts by any means, so the chances of it belonging to someone were a statistical improbability.

Eins dropped to one knee, and held the lid of the box open with a finger.

A bundle of tiny kittens with big quivering eyes stared up at him.

Eins dropped the lid again with a bang. He cursed under his breath. …It just had to be kittens. Plural kittens, as well.

Well, that was the end of that — they were staying here. Eins got up and dusted off his trousers, then walked out of the alleyway. He was the crown prince, and crown princes didn't take boxes of kittens off the streets. He wasn't even a cat person.

He came back again one moment later. He hesitated, then opened the lid of the box. One of the kittens stood on wobbly hind legs and stared at him, whimpering, before toppling over and taking one of its litter mates down with it.

Eins ran a hand through his hair, then looked around the alleyway. He sighed. And carried the box back to the carriage. The coachman didn't dare say a thing.

'Eins?' Count Rosenberg took out a keyring and unlocked Eins's chamber doors. 'Are you in here? Either way, I'm coming in.'

It was highly likely that the prince was in — Eins had arrived back from Wienner Courthouse several hours ago, and any kind of outing or social commitment usually resulted in him locking himself in his rooms for the rest of the day until Ernst came to drag him out.

So Ernst walked inside — only to find that it looked as though a bomb had gone off.

He blinked. Usually the prince's mood swings didn't result in so much… property damage. The prince himself did not seem to be there either. Already fled the crime scene, perhaps?

Then reality set in — and Ernst saw the scuffed and milk-stained carpet; the shredded bed canopy; and the stuffing spilling out of the ottoman, and the dressing table that poured rainbow-coloured ichor from a dozen broken bottles, and the kittens in a fluffy pile, nesting in the tangled sheets and pillows of an unmade bed.

Ernst's fingers twitched. 'He… he truly…' Then he whirled around and yelled, 'EINS!'

Eins walked into his room only to have his high steward dangle a kitten in front of his face. The kitten looked sheepish, and Ernst looked somewhat unimpressed. And the room room looked as though a hurricane had indiscriminately vomited up the shaken-and-stirred contents of a department store.

'Exhibit A,' Ernst deadpanned, 'Of why I cannot let you go into town on your own.' He deposited the kitten in Eins's arms. 'Sit.'

And Eins sat. On the edge of the ottoman, with an incriminating piece of fluffy evidence squirming in his hands.

Ernst indicated the merry hell that had been wrought in their absence with a sweeping gesture, then placed his hand on his hip. 'Would you care to explain this?'

The kitten mewled.

'I…'

Ernst narrowed his eyes. 'I'm waiting.'

'I… um… found them.'

'Found them,' Ernst repeated flatly.

'On the way back from the courthouse.'

'Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't realise I was talking to Prince Kai of the Kingdom of Fluffreich here! And besides that — you're not even a cat person!'

'Well…' Eins glanced back. 'But they are cute.'

Ernst dropped his head in his hands and said, 'Lord, grant me patience.' He straightened and said, 'And what on earth were you planning to do — wrap them up as a kitten bouquet and send it to your fiancée!?'

Eins stared at him for a moment, then glanced around the trashed room. '…I didn't necessarily think that far ahead.'

'That much is transparently obvious.' Ernst ran his hands through his hair, glaring at the kittens. He sighed. 'Fine. Pick one, and the rest are going out the door.'

Eins blinked. 'What? Pick one?'

Ernst picked one of the kittens up with a distasteful expression. 'Apparently these things are meant to help your blood pressure. They're sure as anything not helping mine, but that's a separate issue.' He glanced aside, ignoring Eins. 'Besides…' he muttered. 'It might be good for you. But for goodness' sake, your cat is not you — it can't stay locked in here and be expected to subsist on dust motes and sunlight.'

'I do not—'

But Ernst was already heading to the door. 'All right, those kittens are going in three, two, one…'

Alarmed for the kittens' safety, Eins said, 'Ernst, wait a moment — '

'Calm down, we're not going to drown them. I'm a cat person myself, you know.' Ernst leaned out the door and called, 'Free kittens, anyone—'

And an assortment of Schwarz Palace's maids rushed into the room and laid waste to the pile of kittens with delight.

'Oh, what little preciouses!'

Eins caught his friend's eye above the girls' heads, saying, 'Handing out free kittens to girls… for shame. A scoundrel of the worst sort.'

'That's me, breaking hearts since 1862—'

But the girls talked right over top of them — 'I'm calling this one Snowbell!'

'And I'm calling this one Chester!'

'And I'm calling this one Fluffy! It is fluffy and its name is Fluffy and it shall be my Fluffy!'

The girls swept from the room with kittens in hand, one of them saying over their shoulder, 'And now we need to buy them food, and bowls, and blankets, and toys — Master Rosenberg, can we have a raise?'

'What — no!'

'Aww, boo!' And the girls whisked the kittens away in a gale.

Eins raised an eyebrow. 'And you wonder why I'm not a cat person…'

'Oh, hush.' Ernst leaned out the door again and yelled, 'Hey! Once you've situated Snowball and Felix and whomever else, get back here and clean up this mess. As in, do your job!' He stepped back inside, saying, '…I think we may need some new maids…'

Eins looked down at the remaining kitten on his lap. 'Just to clarify, am I… keeping this one?'

Ernst glanced back. He half-smiled. 'Against every ounce of my better judgement. Now clean up some of this mess before those maids get back and have the presence of mind to ask about the state of the room or why you had kittens in here in the first place.'

Eins nodded, and as soon as the door clicked shut, he placed the kitten out of harm's way on the ottoman and set to work.

Later that week, Eins and Ernst were descending the staircase for dinner, only to stop because they saw two kittens scampering down the hall.

'Wait,' Eins said. 'I was under the impression that the maids had taken all the other kittens home. So whose is that?'

Ernst was frozen in place. '…Dear me. I do wonder.'

'Did you seriously—'

'Oh shut up — you're the one who let the lot of them wreak havoc in your room, and I live here, so—'

'Well, I live here too but it's my palace—'

Then they realised that kittens were up the velvet drapes and making fast progress towards the chandelier.

'Oh for the love of—'

Eins dragged him down the hall, saying, 'Shut up and get them down before they make it to the chandelier.'

'What do you expect me to do — hook them down with my cane?!'

'Cane, ladder — whatever works.'

'I genuinely hate you.'

'Likewise, Ernst — but cats first, arguments later.'

'And people wonder what really goes on in Schwarz. Cat drama. Fantastic.'

The End

A/N: Reviews welcome, and thanks for reading!