No More Pretending

Danny shook his head as he thought about what he was doing. Here he was at two in the morning going to find his partner instead of at home in bed with his wife. He recalled the text he had received from a buddy at his precinct telling him Baez was at their regular drinking spot and asking him if she was ok. He felt a pang of guilt knowing if she had gone out drinking instead of going home, then by doing what he had done at the club earlier in the night, he had really screwed things up. He pulled open the door and stepped inside the bar, he looked around and quickly spotted her at the bar downing the last of her beer.

"Hey. Do you maybe want to call it a night?" He asked gently not wanting to start a scene. She looked up at him, surprised at his arrival but shrugged and stayed put.

"Please." He softly pleaded with her. She turned, ready to start in on him but remembered they were in a cop bar and thought better of it. He pulled some bills from his wallet, dropped them on the bar and took her hand. She jerked it away but dutifully got up and followed him out of the bar. He started up the street and she followed, curious about the direction he had chosen to walk. She kept following as he turned a corner, walked a third of the way up the street and ducked into the empty courtyard of an apartment building. Reaching the middle he stopped and turned to face her.

"Are you ok?" He asked as he looked her over.

"I'm fine." She replied indignant.

"No, I mean, are you…ok?" He asked his look telling her he was asking about what was going on between the two of them. She went to say something to deflect but stopped herself deciding, full of dutch courage, that now was the time to talk.

"What was that?" She asked clearly referring to earlier in the club.

"I…I don't know…I'm sorry." He told her solemnly.

"Seriously, what the hell were you thinking?" She asked her anger starting to rise.

"You kissed me undercover." He replied defensively, feeling guilty.

"That was different. I had to and I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know we would…" She trailed off, he looked up at her but he knew better than to speak.

"You did. You knew exactly what would happen and you did it anyway. You wanted it to happen. You wanted…me." She stared at him wanting to hear him say it. He swallowed hard but said nothing.

"You can't say it? So you can put me against a wall, kiss me, put your hands all over me but you can't admit you want me?" She asked angrily but he could also hear the sadness in her voice. He stared wide eyed at her as he finally realised she was in pain.

"Maria…" He began not sure what exactly he was going to say.

"Don't." She commanded taking a deep breath. She turned her head away but he was still able to see her wipe the corner of her eye.

"Are you…?" He was stunned. He was seeing her cry for only the third time and it was because of him. He felt his heart break knowing he was causing her pain. He didn't know what to do so he kept staring at her trying to think of something he could say.

"It hurts." She admitted quietly.

"It hurts. Feeling the way I do about you and now I know you feel the same and there's still not damn thing I can do about it." She told him her voice trembling with emotion.

"And then you do that. You kiss me and you touch me and for a moment I had the one thing I wanted. Then it stopped, you took it away and now I have to go back to pretending I never wanted it in the first place. It just…hurts." She closed her eyes and Danny watched a single tear roll down her cheek. He felt physical pain in his chest as he saw up close the pain he had caused. He went to apologise again but stopped himself knowing she didn't want to hear it. He took a deep breath and asked the question he was afraid to hear the answer to.

"Can we get past this?" As he spoke she lifted her eyes to meet his.

"I don't know. Maybe. You have to give me some space, and you have to keep your distance. We have to be purely professional at work, just colleagues. If you can do that, then maybe." She told him honestly. He stared for a moment then nodded, she nodded back and turned on her heel to leave.

He reached out and grabbed her hand, she stopped and he pulled on her hand to turn her back to face him. He took a step to close the gap between them, he tucked strand of hair behind her ear and gently stroked her face. When his hand reached her chin he stopped and tilted her head upwards. He leaned down and gently pressed his lips to hers. She responded immediately kissing him back and putting a hand on his waist to pull him closer. As the kiss deepened his hand moved from her jaw to behind her head tilting it up just a little further, his other hand let go of hers and came to rest on her hip as she placed her hand on his chest. They only stopped once they ran out of air.

"What was that?" She asked him breathily and he smiled at her.

"I just needed one real one…no pretending."