tearstained stars
aeris's pov.
aeris's pov. as a simple mere flower girl, she had no right to love him - that brave, selfless, strong soldier in shiny armor.
I'm counting the stars.
There are many of them out today, scattered across the beautiful portrait of night sky like some constellations that have managed to come alive at this hour past midnight. It's so quiet out here in the balcony as I sit, perched carefully on the roof overlooking the scenery before me, but it's nice like this.
I like being alone, it gives me some time to think and be myself for a while.
I point an index finger skywards and begin to make out some constellations of my own, tracing from one dotted shimmering element to another twinkling one. My eyes follow the movements, and for a while, I close them to soak in the night's etherealness.
It is then I sense something, and my ears prick at distinct sounds beneath me. I manage to make out some muffled foosteps padding along the marble floorings on the balcony, and I turn just in time to catch a glimpse of two shadowy figures cloaked in darkness, their silhouettes set against the surreal night.
It's you.
I feel something gripping my heart, and there is momentary pain for a while. I don't wish to ask myself why, and I try to focus my eyes somewhere else to avoid that same prickle against my skin furthur. Why must I feel this way everytime you appear to haunt me, Cloud? It's not like I'm supposed to like you in the first place, anyway, or am allowed to.
Because, of course, I'm much less worthy of such a strong, brave, selfless soldier who fights relentlessly like you - a knight in shiny armor. Besides, she's so much more pretty and beautiful - in and out. Someone like you deserves so much better, and Tifa Lockheart is certainly one of the most lovely ladies I've ever come across in my life.
"Isn't the night beautiful, oh, Cloud?" I hear her speak. What is that tingle in my heart? I don't wish for it to throb like this, but my mind isn't heeding my words. There is something set against my skin, and there are butterflies awkwardly squirming in my stomach, prompting within an incessant urge to sneak a glance at the two of you...just a glance.
But I'm afraid.
Afraid of the pain when I see how the two of you make such a lovely pair in this lovely hour of the night. Such a picturesque moment against the night sky. I'll probably only make myself feel worse, suffer an inferiority complex, and be more miserable inside.
And her words flow from her breath into the night like a string of musical instruments that soothes and comforts. I wish I have her voice like hers - it's so lyrical. It's not overly sweet or high-pitched, it's just right, and it's so warm to listen to sometimes.
I can't help it. My green eyes have managed to flicker across, down to you.
My vision is blackened by the night, but I still make out those luscious strands of her beautiful locks in the darkness. Won't it be nice if my hair would hang loosely like silky velvet waterfall like hers, too? It would be beautiful, wouldn't it, Cloud, for you to comb your fingers through my hair?
"Yeah..." You answer back, your baritone voice sending a resonant tone into the distance. You have a distant look in your Mako blue eyes. It makes my heart ache. You're always saying so little, but your expression always conveys so much at the same time. Sometimes, it makes me want to pull you closer to me so that I can understand you better. What are you thinking all the time, Cloud? I want to know. You always are telling me so little, while with Tifa, you can always spin tales, weave stories and share jokes.
Oh, and you're smiling in the night now.
I wish you'd smile more. You look so boyish...so innocent and childish at the same time as you do so. Maybe, maybe if I allow myself to indulge in fantasies a little, I'll imagine all of those smiles of yours being offered into my direction.
Wouldn't that be wonderful then?
"It's beautiful." You agree with an accompanying smile at Tifa's direction.
And my eyes droop, and my heart sinks. What is that bittersweet feeling hemming at my heart, biting it, contracting it so much like vises that I can scarcely breathe? Why am I refusing to see if she's smiling back at you, why am I hoping for that hint of hope that says, perhaps, that you're smiling not at her, but at me?
Stop dreaming, stop dreaming, Aeris.
Maybe if I don't think about it, I really won't.
But she's smiling back, isn't she? She laughs, and my eyebrows pull together when she steps closer to you. You don't pull away, or shift uncomfortably from her, like how you do when I'm near you. You allow her within your radius, and now, your silhouettes are merged into one.
Why won't you ever let me near you like this? Everytime we touch, just when I'm about to shoot you a smile, or allow myself to enjoy the singing melody bubbling within my heart, you repulse from me as if there is a recoiling effect barricaded between us. You'll always excuse yourself, and hurriedly turn your attention away to something else.
Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Is it because I'm not that good a fighter, and you don't like speaking to me because I'm always such a burden? Maybe it's that, or maybe it's all of the above, and the fact that I'm just a mere flower girl.
Isn't that true, Cloud? It sounds so sad, and it makes my heart hollow, suffused with melancholy when I think about it, but it's true all the same. I'll never be able to matched up to your high standards. To you, I'll just be that insignificant flower girl who is cast out from the party. I can't fight well like the others, I'm not as beautiful a character as Tifa is, or as sweet and innocent like Yuffie.
I don't even help you all in the best ways I can, in the end, it's always up to you, Cloud, who has to come take the trouble to save me or protect me.
"Go sleep early, Tifa, you have a long day ahead tomorrow."
Your voice hides concern and emotions. You don't ever worry that much over me before. You never asked me if I was feeling okay, you don't ever asked me to rest well or early.
Cloud, if given the chance, perhaps if I asked you nicely even, would you abide by my request and allow my dreams to come true bit by bit? Perhaps just a question of 'how are you, Aeris', or a simple 'Are you okay?' will be fine once in a while. You don't even have to sound worried, or your eyes even unveiling sympathy or concern.
Even if it takes alot to feign it even, just this once, just for a while, wouldn't you say those words to me a little? Just this once?
"Thank you, Cloud. I'll see you tomorrow, then."
"Sure, Tifa, have a good night."
I watch you, as you watch her go away. Your eyes are dreamy, and they're taking on a feeling of overprotectiveness that I've never seen before. There's something swirling in my heart, and the emotion's surging, overwhelming me. Why do I feel compelled to look down? And I'm noticing some blood droplets trickling down my palm...Oh, I've probably clamped my fingers down into my hand without even noticing it.
And I hear you sigh.
"Tifa..."
And your single word, that call of yours, that solitary baritone voice that holds so much emotions - breaks my walls down.
I'm looking down so often now. Either that, or I'm simply directing my gaze somewhere skywards, all in an effort to mask the teary face that I'm showing now. I'm so weak, I can't even will myself not to cry.
But I'm not even supposed to cry in the first place, so why are droplets and droplets of tears trickling down my cheeks? My face feels so moist, and I'm hastily rubbing my eyes, willing them to go away.
I don't have to cry. I have no need to cry. I don't love Cloud. He loves another. I'm not supposed to love him. He's so strong, he's so brave, he's nice, a loyal friend, a true leader, a standing knight, an amazing fighter...
Drop drop drop.
And Tifa's beautiful. She has tresses I can never dream of having. She has eyes that acquire a tinge of lumniscence in the night, and they give off sparkles even in the day I can never have. And that curvaceous figure, those amazing punches she gives as offences. That big heart of hers...
Drop drop drop.
And there's me - that simple flower girl. I only know how to grow flowers and sell them. I can't fight well, I am not as beautiful. I don't have anything in my hands that I can offer to Cloud other than my love - and it's not even as pure or innocent as that of Tifa's. I'm supposed to be forgotten in the first place, I'm not even supposed to be in picture in the first place.
Drop drop drop.
I don't want to cry.
Drop.
Please don't make me cry.
Drip, drop.
I don't love Cloud, I don't.
Drip...
I can't love him.
Drop.
Because he loves another?
Yes.
Because you're not good enough?
Yes.
Or...is it because you're afraid?
...I don't know.
Drip...
I'm looking up to the stars again. I'm counting them again, but this time, with a tearstained face. I no longer try to make out the constellations, because I'm huddling myself closer to my own encompassed hands to comfort myself.
I rub my eyes, though the tears don't stop flowing.
It's too late, I know.
I love you, Cloud, I just do.
Even though I'm just a simple mere flower girl, I still do.
Drop.
owari
A/N:
erh, i don't know how many gazillion years it has been since i've written another cloaer fic (wait, do you count this as a cloaer fic? ack, heck!) and apologies if aeris is anywhere OOC or simply too..melancholic here for your liking. we all know she's so much more vibrant and optimistic and hopeful, but we all know how love unreciprocated always cause one to feel like this, right? XD
cheers, REVIEW!
mysterio000