I've just watched BvS: Dawn of Justice a few hours ago. This fic was written on the request of a friend of mine, and because I have a lot of free time.
Disclaimer: All the characters belong to DC and Warner Bros. I own nothing.
Bruce Wayne frowned deeply at his phone. What kind of an idiot that faked his death then went out asking a well-known billionare for a coffee? Alien or not, the boy was an idiot. Bruce put his phone back in his pocket, decided to ignore it and got back to work. He had a company to run, mind you, unlike some moron...
A small DING and his pocket vibrated. Bruce swore under his breath. If that idiot sent something stupid again...
Did he just ask me out for a coffee?. - D.P
Bruce rubbed his eyes tiredly, at this rate he was gonna look like seventy in less than two weeks.
That idiot. - D.P
It's been less than three days! - D.P
Are you sure his brain still functions normally? - D.P
I mean, did you check? Like, double check? - D.P
A small, very small, part of him wanted nothing else than texting the Wonder Woman and complaining about their mutual stupid alien. On the other hand, Bruce sighed, willing every cell in his body to put down the phone, nope, he was handling his company, he was doing fine, thank you very much! Nope, he was not that desperate to call Diana and gush about how actually troublesome and stupid the so called superhero was like an exaggerated parent. Nope. Not gonna.
Clark threatens to kidnap me from the office if none of you answers him. Sorry. - L.L
Bruce groaned, banging his head on the desk. His fingers automatically swiped his phone after the first ring.
"Please tell me he is joking!" - The seemingly immortal woman was practically seething on the other side. - "Otherwise I'm gonna..."
"Master Wayne." - Alfred greeted him at the door, giving him a meaningful look. - "I was just about to call you. The civil conversation inside might be just too much for an old man like me."
"I see you still manage to keep the house standing." - Bruce nodded, patting his old friend on the back, eyes strained on the direction of the kitchen, where seemed to be the source of a muffled shouting match. - "Excuse me." - He mumbled, stroding toward the noise, determined to protect his loving house from the threat of being torn down by two powerful superheroes.
Greeting Bruce in the kitchen was the sight of a Clark Kent in T-shirt and sweat pants, a wooden spoon on his hand and a pan on the other, a towel dangling on his shoulder. No sight of poorly-disguided glasses to be found. Good. Bruce couldn't stand the fashion style of the boy. Said boy was in a deep heated arguement with a fashion icon woman, normally known as Diana on a good day and on a bad day... Well, it was the kind of experience Bruce wanted to bury six feet underground. Also the kind of experience Clark Kent was about to find out.
"Look, I get it." - Superman held up the pan in a defensive position. Good, at least his eyes were good enough to notice the murderous look on the woman. - "I get it, really. I need to stay dead. I know. Nursing my wound and all... Whatever. And please know that I am very grateful that you guys took me here and helping bring me back to life. Look, I understand and I thank you for that. But," - He lifted his shirt off. That sickening showing off bastard. - "all healed! Good as new. See?"
Everything happened so fast right after that. Diana pulled out her deadly sword from thin air and lunged forward, Kent yelped and and ducked under the table, and Bruce did the only thing he shouldn't do, jumped in the middle of the cat fight.
"Hey hey hey easy there!" - Bruce held his hands up, blocking Wonder Woman on actually succeeding ending Superman's life. - "Look, let's just talk, alright?" - Tentatively the billionare removed the sword out of his face. - "No weapon, that's it." - At least she didn't point it at him, that alone could be considered a success. - "No super psycho power." - He glanced behind at Kent, who was still clinging on the pan under the table. - "No killing in my house. Okay?"
Kent climbed up from his spot, keeping a wary look on Wonder Woman as he nodded to Bruce and put his pan-shield down. Both of the men turned to the woman and stared skeptically at her.
Finally, finally, Diana put her sword down.
"I'm done with this idiot!" - She hissed, pointing at the semi-ex superhero behind Bruce. - "I am so done with his idiocy! You deal with it!"
"Yes ma'am." - Bruce almost saluted, almost, as Diana directed her glare to him. As sexy and attractive as she was, he had learnt a rather painful lesson to never ever underestimate her again. Never. A few moments later, Diana finally grabbed her cup of tea and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving the two men alone without looking back. They waited until Diana was out of ear reach to blow out a breath of relief.
"Feisty." - Bruce caught the boy mutter under his breath. He rolled his eyes.
"Seriously?" - He whispered, one could not be too be careful when dealing with an angry woman. - "You're are that bored to pick a fight with her?"
"I'm bored!" - The dark hair boy protested. - "I'm all good now! And it's not like I'm sneaking out, I did ask you guys with me! Jeez, people, you acted as if you were my parents." - Kent huffed, his arms folded. - "Give me something to do."
"You are dead." - Bruce couldn't help but roll his eyes, god knew how many times they had talked about this. - "There's nothing you can do. At least for now." - He added, upon seeing the rebelious look on the younger man.
"But I'm bored."
"Entertain yourself. Go fishing."
"Super bored."
"Netflix."
Superman gave him a deadpan look. - "Seriously?"
"You can join Alfred's book club whenever you like."
"You're gonna need a library for that."
"Already had one."
"Know what?" - Suddenly the boy leapt forward, eyes shone with excitement, or craziness, Bruce wasn't sure. - "I've got a better idea."
"What?" - Bruce asked, already dreading the answer.
"Let me borrow one of your Bat suit."
This was bad. Really really bad. He knew he shouldn't have let Diana talk him through this. He knew it. He shouldn't have let an alien crashing in his house for an undetermined time. They could have just let the boy be and sure as hell his girlfriend would have to look after him. It was the purpose of a girlfriend, right? Right. He could have just turned and walked away, got back to work as if nothing happened and acted like a normal citizen who had no idea what the heck truly happened a few days ago. See, if he had done that his life could have been back to its routine already, never had to leave in the middle of a meeting because an alien had somehow managed to blow half of his house up! And it was only three days! Three days! How Kent's mom ever managed to get anything done while raising the boy was the question of the century.
"C'mon old man, give it a try. Batman isn't dead, and I will wear your mask so no one could ever see a thing! You can go on be the boss of the year while I go fighting crime and stuff and save the world. See? It's a win win solution!..."
Diana looked up from her seat as the two idiots entered the living room, Bruce already drowning his scotch and pouring a second. Clark Kent trailing behind, grinning like a lunatic and pestering the old man about Batsuit and stuff like that. She rolled her eyes and got back to sharpen her sword. Men. What did Lane ever see in him? Superman kept on his pathetic whining session and successfully drawing Batman closer to the edge of losing his mind. Finally, when the whining got the better of her, Diana snapped.
"Would you please shut up!" - She shouted. Diana hated it when she was angry, like every sensible woman did. Anger and beauty were not on good term with each other, mind you. - "Go bake a cake or something!"
The billionare looked up at her in wide eyes as if she had just grown another head. Meanwhile, a thoughtful look crossed the young one face.
"Okay. Uhm..." - He mused out loud. Jesus did he fight crime by talk them to dead? - "I can make apple pie, can't be too hard."
"Please do." - Bruce mumbled, pouring another glass.
"Hey guys, let's make an apple pie together!" - Superman exclaimed over-enthusiastically. Diana wondered to herself what would be more sastisfied, stabbing herself or chopping the alien's head off. - "C'mon, we are a team! Bonding time, guys? It's fun!"
"Kent." - Bruce groaned, as the boy tugged on his sleeve. - "Please!"
"Stand up!" - The dark hair boy completly ignored the plea and with his unfair super strength, he dragged Bruce up. - "C'mon Mommy you can't leave the two of us alone in the kitchen. We might poison the pie!"
Diana made the wrong decision as she looked up to glare at him. Instead of the stupid boyish grin, she was greeted with super puppy eyes. Dammit, there must be a rule in this house to never use puppy eyes while she was here. Behind him Bruce looked like already half dead. Diana could swear she had spotted more gray hair on his head than a week ago. The sound of her crumbling stone war echoed in her head. Diana was in a lost battle.
"Fine." - The word felt bitter and foreign on her tounge. Diana sighed and wondered when and where her life had gone wrong, as she was dragged to the kitchen by a five-year-old superhero, who was declared dead all over the world.
Hidden safely in his office, Alfred chuckled to himself. The video on the screen showed him a given-up master Bruce, being covered from head to toe with flour, and Wonder Woman chasing Superman mercilessly. Somehow, even after teaming up, two of the most dangerous men on Earth were still beaten epically by a woman in a flour fight.
No doubt Alfred was gonna clean up the mess they made later, but for now, Alfred mused, he would only sit here and watch. The video would later be saved on a secret file named 'Master Wayne's domestic superhero life.'