"Musical" Auditions -- by phoebenpiper

"Ryan, it's time you and I decided on a musical for our winter production."

"Isn't that Ms. Darbus's job?"

"Of course. But as copresidents of the Drama Club, you and I have a responsibility to help steer Ms. Darbus in the right direction. To help her pick a show that will be PERFECT for East High."

"You mean a show that has great parts for the two of us."

"Naturally. So, what do you think?"

"I know! How about Spring Awakening?!"

"Get serious, Ryan. Principal Matsui won't even let us do Grease due to 'questionable subject matter' -- do you really think he'd let us sing a song called 'Totally Fucked'?"

"Well...what did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking I'd make a fabulous Galinda -- don't you agree?"

"Wicked? But both leads are female."

"So?"

"*I* think we should do Les Miz -- I can totally hit that high E in 'Bring Him Home'."

"But Ry, both leads in Les Miz are male!"

"So?"

"Let's do Nunsense!"

"Let's do Twelve Angry Men!"

"Don't be STUPID, Ryan -- Twelve Angry Men isn't even a musical!"

"Well, stop making ridiculous suggestions like Nunsense."

"Whatever! Let's think of older shows. We haven't done Rodgers and Hammerstein for a while. How about The King and I?"

"No. I'm not shaving my head."

"Where's your dedication, Ryan? Isn't your craft more important than your hair?"

"Would YOU shave your head?"

"Why? I wouldn't be up for the King of Siam."

"I think we should do something more modern, like Hairspray."

"No. I'm not gaining a hundred pounds just to get a lead."

"'Where's your dedication, Shar? Isn't your craft more important than your figure?' Shelley Winters gained weight for a role."

"Shelley Winters only had to gain thirty pounds for The Poseidon Adventure."

"I think that's all you'd need to...OW!"

"Ryan, this is serious! If we don't pick a good musical, we'll be stuck doing Twinkle Towne again."

"But...we weren't IN Twinkle Towne."

"Exactly! So what about Little Women?"

"There aren't any big male roles in it. What about 1776 instead? You'd make a great Abigail Adams, and I'd KILL to play John."

"But we wouldn't have enough guys -- the drama club is mostly girls, and 1776 only has two female roles."

"Hmmm. You have a point. So I guess that also rules out How to Succeed in Business, South Pacific, and Damn Yankees. So...what about Godspell? Or Into the Woods? Those are more balanced in terms of males and females."

"But those are both ensemble pieces -- there aren't any LEADS! If WE'RE picking the show, we need something we can STAR in."

"Well, if you don't want an ensemble show, that rules out LOTS: A Chorus Line; Brooklyn; Avenue Q; Rent; Hair; You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. But how about The Music Man? That has solid leads."

"It also has children, Ryan. Where are we supposed to get children at East High?"

"But if we can't have children, THAT rules out Annie, Oliver!, The Sound of Music, and The Secret Garden."

"Not to mention The Wizard of Oz."

"But there aren't any children in The Wizard of....oh, right."

"I was thinking maybe Finian's Rainbow. I do a kickass Irish accent: doan-a ye agree, me darling?"

"Yeah, you'd definitely make a good Sharon. But who would I be? Finian? I don't wanna play your father."

"I see you more as Og."

"The leprechaun? I don't wanna wear green tights...again!"

"Why not? You used to LOVE your green tights."

"When I was seven. And as I recall, you loved YOUR Muppet costume, too, but I don't see YOU volunteering to wear a pink snout in the winter musical."

"Okay, point taken. So what about Beauty and the Beast? That show has awesome parts for both of us."

"Awesome for YOU, maybe. But I don't wanna spend an entire show with my face covered up."

"Vain much, Ry?"

"Pot, kettle?"

"Fine! But then that rules out The Lion King, Elephant!, and The Phantom of the Opera."

"Like we'd EVER suggest a Webber musical anyway...though we ARE starting to run out of DECENT ones."

"No we're not -- we're just not trying hard enough."

"Speak for yourself."

"What?"

"Nothing. What about Sweet Charity?"

"No. I'm not playing a hooker."

"Charity's not a hooker...not exactly, anyway."

"Close enough."

"But a LOT of classic roles are hookers, Shar -- are you gonna rule them ALL out? Fantine in Les Miz? Nancy in Oliver!? Lulu in East Hastings? Not to mention the entire cast of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas?"

"There are plenty of wholesome musicals out there -- I think we should do one of those."

"Like what? Oklahoma?"

"Hell no! Will and Ado Annie kick ass, but Curly and Laurie are BEYOND boring. I don't want to have to settle for secondary leads if we don't have to."

"True. So Brigadoon is out as well -- Tommy and Fiona are fairly blah."

"And Guys and Dolls, too. We'd be awesome as Nathan and Adelaide, but Sister Sarah and Sky are the true leads."

"But they were really awesome in that London production we saw."

"I hate to tell you this, Ry, but you're no Ewan McGregor."

"Well, YOU'RE no...girl that played opposite Ewan, either!"

"What do you think about Bye Bye Birdie? That's a great show!"

"That's a possibility -- I'd make a good Albert. And can't you just see Troy as Conrad? For some reason, I can totally see him with a ducktail pompadour."

"Yes, he'd look fabulous!...But then I'd HAVE to be Kim, and she's not the lead."

"You could be Rosie."

"She's 'Spanish', Ryan. I don't really think I can pull off 'ethnic'."

"But there are LOTS of 'ethnic' shows -- West Side Story. Dreamgirls. The Wiz."

"Fiddler on the Roof. Yentl. Miss Saigon."

"Miss Saigon isn't ethnic -- Jonathan Pryce played the Engineer in the London production."

"And Actors' Equity threw a FIT! Ms. Darbus is not gonna risk that kind of scandal here at East High."

"Then we'll stick with good ole American characters. Like Peter Pan."

"GREAT suggestion, Ry -- Peter Pan is English, the show has children, and I am NOT playing a boy!"

"Not playing a boy? But...cross-dressing's a theatrical tradition! What about Viola? Or Rosalinde?"

"Cross-dressing is great for Shakespeare, but for musicals it's just...weird."

"So I guess you won't be playing Edwin Drood, either. Or Victor...or is it Victoria?"

"Along those same lines, AND because I love you, I won't even SUGGEST we do La Cage aux Folles."

"Why not?"

"Because you already have a 'reputation' at East High -- we don't need to be 'fanning those flames' any more."

"What flames?"

"Never mind! So what about Chicago?"

"That's like Wicked -- two female leads. What about Cabaret instead?"

"Too risque for East High."

"Um...The Pajama Game? All That Jazz?"

"What's with the sudden Bob Fosse fixation?"

"I'm just trying to think of shows we haven't mentioned yet."

"Maybe we should be more methodical about this. You know, do it alphabetically or something."

"Just like in The Sound of Music: ''Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place--"

"OKAY, Ryan, that's enough singing for now! We need to concentrate. What 'A' shows are there?"

"Let's see. Anything Goes. Assassins. Ain't Misbehavin'. Annie."

"...Get Your Gun! Now THAT'S a good show for us."

"That's true. Irving Berlin's always a smart choice."

"And the leads are fairly even. There are fabulous duets, too: 'Anything You Can Do' and 'Old-Fashioned Wedding'."

"And of course 'There's No Business Like Show Business'."

"It's perfect! We could definitely do Annie Get Your Gun....Ryan! Where are you going?"

"We figured out a show -- aren't we done?"

"We can't stop with ONE show! We need to have SEVERAL, in case Ms. Darbus has objections."

"But I have stuff to do, Shar."

"'Stuff' more important than your future? Don't be ridiculous, Ryan! Now get back here, stop whining, and help me think of more shows!"

"We could always do Kiss Me Kate."

"Not bad -- Cole Porter. 'Too Darn Hot'. But what made you suddenly think of it?"

"Gee, I can't imagine, Kate--I mean, Sharpay."

"Or what about My Fair Lady? Eliza Doolittle is a classic character. And you'd be a rarity -- an 'enry 'iggins who could actually sing."

"That's true...But wait -- did you just give me a compliment, sis?"

"Of course, Ry! Everyone knows you're a good singer -- not as good as me, of course, but still good. And if you weren't talented, I certainly wouldn't be letting you help me pick out shows."

"Um...thanks?"

"So we've got three shows -- I think that's enough for now, don't you?"

"I guess."

"Great! Then I'll get you a script later today so we can start rehearsing right away."

"Script?"

"Of what we're gonna say to Ms. Darbus! We need to sound interested but CASUAL, like we're only interested in the good of the drama club...which, of course, we are!….Don't look so worried, Ry -- I'll write everything out for you. You're gonna be GREAT! Toodles!"

THE END