A Night at the Golden Snail
Chapter 1 – Big Trouble
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Boring stuff first.
Rating: PG-13 for swearing and a few oblique sexual references (this chapter)
Spoilers: all four books and A Short Guide to Marauding
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or places that you recognize from canon, and I am not making money from their use. If I were, I'd drop out of college and write fanfiction professionally. Also, I am not Dave Barry, but he does not have exclusive rights to the words "big trouble," so there.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This story is a prequel to A Short Guide to Marauding, and was written with it very much in mind. If you're visiting this universe for the first time, you should be able to follow the story, but there are some parts that you might not be able to appreciate. In other words:
Go read Short Guide first.
For those of you who have, and wanted more, I am pleased – no, thrilled to present you with another Sirius and Remus tale. So let's get to it.
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If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.
~Sirius Black (GoF 525)
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"Oh God," Sirius said. "It's him."
All four of them looked up as Lockhart sauntered in and took a seat with Snape and his cronies. Lockhart's robes flashed in the torchlight as he settled them around his chair with an artful flick of the wrist; they were embroidered down their full length with the initials JGL.
"Self-centered bastard," James said.
Remus snickered.
"What's so funny?" James demanded. "I'm right, aren't I?"
"When are you ever wrong?" Remus said, soothingly.
Sirius had just opened his mouth to volunteer a few occasions when Peter said, "I really don't see why all the girls like him so much."
"Girls are suckers for anything wearing designer robes," James said knowingly.
"I wonder what he's doing here, though," Remus said.
"Probably another dress code violation," Sirius said. "Not only is he self-centered and dense, he's also shockingly unoriginal."
"Shut it," James said, "here comes Paquerette."
The Potions professor sailed into the room, smiling at the miscreants exactly as though it was not eight o'clock on Saturday morning and there were not huge icicles hanging from the dungeon ceiling. January at Hogwarts was not always what one would call cozy.
"All right," she said, unrolling a parchment, "here are your assignments. Black, Sirius – you will teach the first years one Astronomy class."
"That's evil," Remus said.
"She said me first," Sirius said in a tone of wonderment.
James punched him in the shoulder. "She's going in alphabetical order, you ninny."
"Bone, Steven – you will collect five grams of lionspaw and seven of snakeroot."
"Oh shit!" Sirius said. "I have to teach Astronomy?"
"Crabbe, Alfonso – you will feed the Shriveling Sheep for the rest of the week."
"I hope they eat five times a day," Peter muttered.
"Goyle, Marcus – you will be doing errands for Professor Binns for the rest of the day. I understand he wants his Bernian treatises moved to the fifth floor. Oh, and no magic."
"I'm beginning to feel almost lucky," Sirius said to Remus.
"Lockhart, James – you will be helping Professor Philomena pot Paint Brushes."
"Excuse me, but will I be able to change?" Lockhart called out.
Professor Paquerette's gaze wandered down the rows of dazzling initials, and she almost smiled. "I'm afraid not. Lupin, Remus – you will be going through Mister Lockhart's trunk and removing any robes that do not comply with Hogwarts dress code."
Lockhart's magnificent blue glare was expressing a degree of hatred that Remus, up till then, had believed purely theoretical.
"Typical," Sirius said. "She probably thinks you won't enjoy it."
Remus smirked.
James jabbed Remus in the ribs. "This is the perfect opportunity to dig up some dirt about Blockhead," he hissed.
"Right."
"Like, say, boxers or briefs."
Remus looked singularly sick.
"Nott, Narcissa – you will be organizing all the minutes of the staff meetings."
"She's really quite pretty, isn't she?" Peter said.
"Mm-hm," Sirius agreed.
"Especially when she's bothered about something."
"Lucky for her that's all the time," James said sourly. "Blonde Slytherin bitch."
Sirius startled and looked round at Narcissa.
"Pettigrew, Peter – you will be taking care of Mrs. Norris today. She seems to have some sort of intestinal disorder, and Filch has quite enough messes to clean up already."
"Oh Merlin," Peter said, looking revolted.
"Potter, James – you will be repairing all of the school-owned broomsticks."
"Lucky bastard," Sirius said. James grinned and wiggled his eyebrows.
"Snape, Severus – you will be preparing three batches of Pepper-Up Potion and five of Flu Philter for Madame Pomfrey, she's running dreadfully low and I haven't the time to do it myself."
"Lucky bastard," Sirius said.
Professor Paquerette rolled up her parchment. "Right, everyone clear? Did I forget any of you? Very well then, off you go. Oh, and Mister Lupin," she added, "I'd like a quick word with you."
"Lucky bastard," Sirius groaned, just before James swept him out the door.
Remus stood up and went reluctantly to the front of the room. "What is it, Professor?"
"I, er… well, your task is rather delicate, and I trust that you won't indulge any of the opportunities that may present themselves."
"I wouldn't do anything like that," Remus said, faintly indignant.
"I know." She gave him a dazzling smile. "But your friends might."
Professor Paquerette produced two keys and gave them to Remus. "This one is for the seventh-year boys' dorm, and this one is for Mister Lockhart's trunks. Oh, and the password to the Slytherin common room is 'left-handed snail.' I assume you know where the entrance is?"
Remus blushed. "Believe me, I never intended – "
"Oh, I couldn't punish you for knowing where it is," she said blithely. "Only if you'd actually gotten in."
Remus had, actually, several times. His blush deepened.
"Well, have fun," she said.
Once Remus had gotten down the hall a ways, it occurred to him to marvel at the cruelty of the universe. Why was it, he wondered, that a person invariably wound up with something that someone else wanted? Then he wondered who had wound up with what he wanted. And what that was, exactly.
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It was Monday night and Sirius's roommates were being unusually supportive of his frantic efforts to put together an Astronomy lesson. This meant that they were gathered around the fire in the common room, making toasted marshmallow sandwiches, while Sirius was upstairs doing whatever it was that needed doing.
"I wouldn't know," James said, accepting the bag of marshmallows from Remus. "I've never taught an Astronomy lesson in my life."
It occurred to Remus that Sirius suffered from a similar lack of experience, but he recognized the thought as one of those that James really didn't want to hear. He shrugged and ate another marshmallow.
"So Remus," James said. "I completely forgot to ask you, what did you find out about the blond bimbo downstairs?"
"Oh, lots," Remus said. "If you want to know what brand of hair gel he uses."
"Doesn't he have like a diary?" James asked. "Or a Pensieve, or something to hold all his inner demons?"
"Well," Remus said, "he does have a diary, which I naturally read. To be honest, it flew open the minute I spotted it – he must have charmed it or something – so there was no excuse not to read it, really."
"Ah," said James. "So, what did Lackwit have to say?"
"He spent three months' pocket money on his latest set of dress robes, which are lime green," Remus said. "He thinks Sally Mae Robison likes him, because she's bumped into him in the hall five times so far this year. His roommates don't understand his sensitive nature, his highest ambition is to model for Wizard Quarterly –"
"Never mind," James said.
"You know, his self-interest would be a lot less pathetic if there were something there to be interested in," Remus observed.
"Bull," James said. "'Spose I'll have to get creative. Say, Pete, what's that you're reading?"
Peter jerked and looked up at them. "Er, nothing."
"Oh, it's that sort of nothing, is it?" James said gleefully, noting Peter's rising blush. "Peter, normal people read those in the privacy of their own room, not out here where everyone – "
The door leading to the boys' dorms ricocheted off the wall and Sirius barged into the room. "Could someone please tell me how many moons Saturn has?" he demanded of his three friends.
James snickered. "Why're your glasses on upside-down?"
Remus looked at Peter, who was already back inside the pages of his book. "Nine, maybe?" Remus said.
"I wouldn't bloody know, now would I?" Sirius snapped. "Could one of you at least tell me how long until I have to know?"
"It's nine forty-two," James said.
"Oh bloody hell!" Sirius said. "How late's the library open?"
"Just take the cloak," James said. "Actually, you might not want it. I mean, if Filch catches you, you'll miss the lesson, right?"
"Yes," Sirius said. "And I won't even need an excuse, because they'll be able to hear my tortured screams from high atop the Astronomy tower. Well, I'm off." Sirius headed for the dormitories.
"Are we waiting up or not?" Remus said.
"Might as well," James said. "You know he's going to wake us up when he comes in anyway."
"And I'm not going up there until I have to," Peter added. "It reeks like cabbage."
"Okay," Remus said. "Maybe I'll get some studying done then." He summoned his Charms book from where it lay on the couch.
"Oh, well in that case I'll just have a bit of a nap," James said irritably. "Losers."
Sirius reemerged, his robe suspiciously lumpy, carrying a battered almanac and a red-and-white striped stocking cap.
"Oh, Sirius, you can borrow my favorite hat if you like, no need to ask," Remus said, annoyed.
"Thanks," Sirius said over his shoulder, slamming the Fat Lady behind him.
Remus sighed explosively and opened his book.
Sirius reappeared at ten after one. By then the fire had burnt itself down to coals, and James was playing a desultory game of solitaire by its feeble glow. Remus was asleep, his arm dangling over the edge of the couch and his Charms book wedged in between two cushions. Peter was nowhere to be seen.
James looked up as Sirius thumped onto the couch, waking Remus.
"You bastard," Remus mumbled. "Now I'll never get back to sleep."
"How was it?" James said.
Sirius scowled. "An hour of terrible, unrelenting puns on my name."
"I'm sorry," Remus said. "But you deserved it. Now can I have my hat back?" He snatched it off Sirius's head without waiting for a reply and stomped off to the dorms.
"What is his problem?" Sirius said. "He's going to wake everyone up."
"That reminds me," James said. "What're you brewing up there now? Because it smells like sauerkraut."
"Oh, that," Sirius said. "I'll put out some more air fresheners tomorrow."
"Isn't there some sort of charm for that?"
"Well, yes," Sirius said, "but the residual magic might affect my potions."
"We cast spells in there all the time and your potions seem to turn out just fine," James said.
"Can we argue about this in the morning?"
"Certainly," James said, climbing onto a couch and stretching out. "I'll see you then."
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Remus woke up at six thirty-three, and discovered that the stench was reaching critical levels. Bleary-eyed, Remus scuffed on his slippers, gathered everything he needed for the rest of the day, and tipped the pile out into the corridor, where the air was thin enough to breathe. Then Remus went to the prefects' bathroom for a leisurely bath, vaguely noting on his way through the common room that James was asleep on one of the couches. He reminded himself to retrieve his Charms book on the return trip.
It was only a quarter after seven when Remus returned; forty-five minutes yet until breakfast. He encountered Peter in the hallway outside their room, constructing his own pile.
"Where's Sirius?" Remus began poking through a heap of his robes.
Peter jerked his thumb at the closed door.
"What've we got today?"
"Er – History, CMC, and Charms."
"Oh shit, Charms!" Remus ran for the common room, returning a minute later with his book.
Peter looked up. "I did the homework, if you want to copy," he said.
"Thanks, but I did it." Remus riffled through the book. "At least I think I did it. I remember doing it, anyway."
"One time I thought I remembered doing my homework, but it was actually just a dream," Peter offered.
"Accio homework!" Remus snapped, and ten seconds later he, Peter and their belongings were islands in a sea of hundreds of parchments.
Peter waded out of the pile and inspected a few of the scrolls. "I think you've got the entire school's homework here," he said, and began to giggle.
Remus put his head in his hands. "I hate my life," he said.
"You might be a bit more specific next time," Peter said, in between giggles.
Somehow Remus managed to get all the blasted scrolls down to Great Hall. Somehow he managed to conjure a table to put them all on, and a sign that said "Missing Homework." Then he went back to the common room. James was just waking up.
"Morning," he said cheerfully, seeing Remus. "Best I've felt in weeks. There'd better be something good for breakfast, I'm starving."
"Well, I'm not going," Remus said darkly.
"Why not?"
"Because – " Remus couldn't say. They would find out soon enough when they got down to Great Hall and saw the entire school scrabbling through a pile of parchment –
– In which his Charms homework was hiding. And probably, come to think of it, his Runes homework too.
Remus wished he could just crawl into a hole somewhere, fall asleep and not wake up until he was dead.
Just then Sirius entered the common room, smirking, trailed by a wheezing Peter.
"Remus, Peter's just told me – where'd Remus go? He was standing here a second ago – "
Remus stood there bewildered, until he realized what must have happened – his feelings had gotten so out of control that he'd managed a wandless Invisibility spell – but there was nowhere to go. Every exit involved a door, which still had to open for him, invisible or not – and, Remus suddenly realized, his invisible weight was still making two foot-shaped depressions in the rug. Slowly and carefully, he moved off the rug to stand on the stone floor, and listen to his friends.
"Where in blazes did he go?" Sirius was saying. "He didn't have the cloak, did he?"
"Well, I don't know, what'd you do with it last night?"
"Er – I put it on your bed, but it was still there when I came down, I think."
"Great," James said. "Now it's going to smell like sauerkraut, exactly like you and everything else in that shithole. Couldn't you at least – "
"What time is it?" Peter said. "I need a shower."
"Seven fifty-seven," James snapped, and Peter ran for the boys' dorms.
"You didn't look at a clock," Sirius said, "so how would you know?"
"The point being, I don't know what you intend to do about that toxic waste factory, but it had better involve all my stuff not smelling like crap," James said. "And now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to the prefects' bathroom to try to make myself look human." He left violently by the portrait hole, leaving Sirius alone with invisible Remus.
"Shit," Sirius said, sinking onto an armchair and hiding his face in his hands. "Peter always takes forever in the shower."
Remus started sidling toward the portrait hole. He was starting to feel a little panicky. Not having consciously cast the spell, he couldn't control how long it would last, and finding himself in a room with Sirius, when he was in this sort of temper –
Sirius jerked upright. "Who's shuffling? Remus, if it's you, drop the spell."
"I can't," he said sulkily. "I didn't cast it."
Sirius smirked. "Don't worry, I can fix that. Wait right here."
Remus did, for lack of a better idea. Sirius returned two minutes later with a bottle of water that was not empty until he had thoroughly soaked Remus with it.
Remus stood there gasping, his hair dripping cold water into his collar, and said, "You shitfaced scum."
"It worked," Sirius said. "Didn't it?"
"And you enjoyed it," Remus said. They stared at each other for a minute, and then Sirius smirked and said, "You might at least say thank you."
He turned and left, presumably to kick Peter out of the shower.
Remus hurled a Drying Charm at the floor with all the strength he possessed. Now he wanted to kill Sirius, and then die a hasty, inconspicuous death himself.
It might have been a better start to the morning.
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After Charms they all went back up to their room and stood outside the door. Even in the corridor, it reeked.
"I think something must have died in there," James said. "Sirius, would you go check?"
"Nothing's died," Sirius said indignantly. "That smell means it's nearly done."
"Praise God," Remus said, not too quietly.
Sirius glowered at him, and went in.
The other three hovered near the door, equally repelled by the stench and fascinated by Sirius's latest brew, but not to the point of actually venturing inside.
Finally Sirius reemerged into the hallway, attended by the specter of his potion.
"It only needs two more days," he announced.
"Two more days?" the other three whined almost simultaneously.
"That settles it," James said. "I'm moving out. Peter, if you'll strip the bed while Sirius gets the trunk – "
"There is no way I'm going in there," Peter said.
James picked up Peter's book bag, opened the door, and slung it in.
"Dipshit," Peter said bitterly, and went in. Sirius followed.
James shrugged. "What the hell, the stink's probably all out here by now." He went in too.
That left Remus. He considered using Summoning Spells to gather his bed sheets, for about four seconds, before the disastrous events of the morning recalled themselves to him. The entire school's homework was one thing, but the entire school's bedding would surely suffocate him. So Remus went in.
He was surprised to find the room exactly as he had last seen it. With a smell that apocalyptic, he had rather expected ashes and dust, or at least peeling paint and dead cockroaches. Against his better judgment, Remus went over to stand next to Sirius by the potion, and the stink grabbed him by the throat and squeezed. Sirius, sensing his presence, handed Remus a mask; Sirius was already wearing his own, along with goggles and a pair of elbow-length rubber gloves that fit over the sleeves of his robe.
"What does it do?" Remus asked.
"Er – clears up your face."
Remus looked at the glutinous blue mixture. He fancied he could see stink waves coming off it. "Does it actually work?" he said.
Sirius sighed. "I won't find out until I try it."
Behind them, James was peeling the sheets off his bed, wadding them up and tossing them out the door. Peter, meanwhile, was staggering under the weight of James's magically expanded trunk.
"Don't you know the Lightening Charm?" James said irritably. "We only learned it four years ago."
Peter wrinkled his nose. "What good would lightning do?"
James sighed. "You could at least levitate it."
"But I'd drop it!" Peter squealed, as the trunk slipped in his sweaty hands.
"Oh, here – " James cast the spells to shrink and lighten the trunk, and snatched it out of Peter's hands. "Get the sheets," he directed, "and make me up a bed on one of the couches."
James stomped out, with Peter following after.
Remus went over to his bed and began to strip off the sheets, with some vague notion of making himself a tent underneath one of the tables in the common room. "Aren't you moving out?" he said to Sirius.
"Course not," Sirius said. "I've put up with worse."
"Like what?" Remus couldn't help asking.
"You three," Sirius said instantly.
Remus knew that even James and Peter after Quidditch practice had never smelled half that bad, but all he said was "Uh-huh," gathering up his sheets. "Have fun," he added over his shoulder as he left.
Unable to see around his bundle of bedding, Remus ran right into someone, just outside their door.
"What're you doing?" the other said suspiciously.
Remus lowered his bundle and recognized Artie Guardman, an exceptionally nosy first year.
"Our house-elf's sick, so I'm taking the laundry," Remus said curtly. "Now, if you don't mind – "
Too late. Artie had spotted the piles of junk outside their door, and by the way his nose was wrinkled, he'd gotten a whiff of Sirius's concoction too.
"What's all that stuff doing in the hall?" he said. "And what's that smell? You're not allowed to cook in your room, you know."
Remus snorted. "You mean to tell me you'd eat something that smells like that?"
Artie sniffed again, inquiringly. "Bit like sauerkraut, actually," he said.
Remus had to admit the squirt was right. He did not, however, have to admit it out loud. "Get out of my way," Remus said. "The house-elves are simply dying to wash this."
"I'll tell McGonagall on you," Artie said.
Remus was rapidly losing patience. "Will you?" he sneered. "By the time you get her up here there won't be a feather out of place. Now get out of the way, you smarmy interfering snitch."
"You could get detention for this," Artie said.
"That doesn't scare me. I've had more detentions than you have teeth in your head. Sirius!" he called. "A full Body-Bind out here, please."
Sirius came out of the room, pulling his wand out of his belt. He looked rather frightening, with the goggles and the mask and the hair sticking out in back. Artie squeaked and launched himself down the corridor. Remus stood aside to give Sirius a clear shot, and Artie went down with a thump.
Sirius brushed past Remus and knelt down next to Artie. "You smell that?" he said. "It isn't sauerkraut, and if you rat us out I'll make you eat the whole cauldronful. Okay?"
Sirius stood up and headed back to the room. As he passed, Remus said, "Thanks."
"I hate him as much as you do," Sirius said diffidently, going back inside and closing the door.
As Remus went by the immobile Artie, he said, "It'll wear off in an hour or so if you don't struggle. I ought to know – I've been frozen more times than an ice cube tray, myself."
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Thursday night was Sirius's second and last Astronomy class. He came into the common room shivering so hard he couldn't walk straight.
"I think I must be made of ice," Sirius said to himself, wishing he could just curl up in the embers and sleep there.
"Quiet, you'll wake James."
Sirius jerked convulsively. "Dear God, Remus! Where is he?"
"In my spot." Remus pointed to a heap of blankets in the corner. "He decided we needed to switch places because it was too noisy over here. I can see his point," Remus added darkly.
"Well, you'll be glad to know I'm through with those brats for eternity," Sirius said, turning to warm his backside from the coals. "And if you ever say that other S-word that sounds exactly like my name, I will cut off your arms and beat you to death with them."
Remus pulled his covers up to his nose and smirked. "Sounds painful."
"Not half so much as the pipsqueaks' puns. Oh, by the way, thanks for letting me borrow your hat," Sirius said. "It really saved my ears out there."
"When I said you could borrow it, I was being sarcastic."
"You said I could borrow it?" Sirius said. "Well, never mind. Here you go. Sorry it smells like sauerkraut."
Remus clenched his fists so tightly he could see his heart beating on their backs, until Sirius dropped the hat on them.
"Speaking of which," Sirius said, turning back to face the coals, "the potion's done."
Remus snapped his head up. "It is?"
"Yup," Sirius said, wiggling his fingers at the embers.
"Does it – er, is the smell – "
"Burnt itself out in the final explosion," Sirius said cheerfully. "I cleaned up most of the splattering, but the smoke stains just won't come out. I guess I'll be painting over that, too."
"Great," Remus said. "Would you mind helping me get the bedding back upstairs?"
"Sure," Sirius said. "I've got your pillow." He whipped it out from under Remus's head and went for the stairs.
Remus continued to lie there for a minute, just looking at the ceiling and wondering why even his friends were such assholes. In that moment, he felt an unexpected kinship with Severus Snape. Particularly in light of that nameless incident of two months ago, Remus could see himself hating Sirius, James and Peter for the rest of his life, just because they could be such consummate jerks.
He got out of bed and looked down at his favorite hat in the world, which was still giving off a faint cabbagey fragrance. He wished suddenly that there were some way to kill Sirius and make it look like a simple potions accident. At least Sirius was thoughtless enough to make the scenario believable.
Remus tore the sheets off the couch and wadded them up, his hat crushed in the middle. In a fit of pique, Remus decided not to let James know about the room being safe. After all, James would not thank him for disturbing his sleep. And he did look cozy, over there in Remus's corner.
So Remus headed for the stairs, trailing sheets behind him, and blearily made his way to their room. He stepped over Peter, who was curled up in the corridor directly in front of the doorway, and walked in.
"Ah, Remus!" said Sirius. "You didn't happen to do your Charms homework, by any chance?"
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I am indebted to the following:
Kurohyou, for that fantabulous review of the last chapter of Short Guide, for being interested in the whys and wherefores, and for requesting more Sirius and Remus. This part is for you.
My sister Ruth, for showing me how I had imagined Sirius and Remus to look all along; and for helping me figure out that the itch I was feeling was really the desire to write more of them. And for letting me bounce ideas off her while she was valiantly attempting to do her homework. Thanks, darling.
A Charmed Life by Francis Bridger. He articulated many of the things I'd sort of felt about the HP books, but his brief discussion of MWPP's friendship, versus that of HHR, is what really shaped my vision of them for this story.
Ohio University, which does not require my presence again until 6 January. Score!
Please tell me what you thought of it, any of several ways – You could review, or e-mail me at cornishpixie4@hotmail.com, or talk to me online – AIM screen name is bonaldbuck. See ya in the next part.