OK, this story uses some anachronisms for effect. It takes place in the present time (Christmas 2002); however, the status of Rory and Jess's relationship only reflects the events up to Episode 2.13 'A-Tisket, A-Tasket'. As far as Rory and Jess are concerned, Episodes 2.19 'Teach Me Tonight', through to the current episode, never happened. Jess did, however, get a car, and Jess and Luke's home was renovated.
With regards to the Lane Kim plotline, episode 3.09 'A Deep-Fried Korean Thanksgiving' never happened.
Pairings: Dean-friendly Rory/Jess, Lorelai/Luke and Lane/Dave
This story is a collaborative effort between MahliaLily (http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=288788) and CircleSky.
A Few Verses Short of a Christmas Carol
CHAPTER 1: What's Danny Bonaduce Doing Up There?
With a chipper skip to his step, Taylor Doose walked into Luke Danes' diner shortly after five o'clock. Inside, Lorelai Gilmore was begging Luke for more coffee, as per usual. Taylor propped himself up on a stool at the counter, ignoring the annoyed look that momentarily clouded Luke's face. Luke was normally surly, at least whenever Taylor saw him.
"Morning Luke," Taylor said cheerfully. Turning to the lovely, but brazen, dark-haired woman on his right, he added, "Morning, Lorelai. I do hope you're both coming to the town meeting tonight."
"Rory and I will definitely be there. We never miss a town meeting. Well, we never miss the last half of a town meeting anyway. Is this the one where we discuss the Christmas festivities?" asked Lorelai.
Taylor eyed her. The woman was a paradox: deeply involved with town functions on the one hand and, on the other, perpetually late to town meetings. And now she was questioning the agenda of that day's meeting? "It most certainly is," Taylor said proudly. "You know that – first Monday in December."
"Oh, of course," Lorelai replied, acknowledging her obviously apparent silliness. "You're coming too, right, Luke?"
"Anh. Is that all that's on the agenda, Taylor? Cause I'm not too interested in the Christmas festivities. I'm sure you'll just inform me of the town's new twinkle lights policy later."
"There are a few more items to discuss. But it is mostly for Christmas," Taylor conceded.
"I'll pass."
Appalled, Lorelai spoke up. "But Luke, you have to be at the meeting so you can put your name into the Secret Santa pool."
"I'll pass on that too."
"No, come on, Luke!"
"No, really. It's OK," he assured her.
"It'll put some magic in your Christmas season," chimed Lorelai.
"It's already so magical. I'm in awe."
"Yeah, but remember last year? When Babette was your Secret Santa, and she gave you your very own gnome? That was great, right? I can still remember that look of pure joy on your face when you opened the box and saw little Opie staring back at you. It was like all of your dreams had finally come true," she finished wistfully, peeking at him out of the corner of her eye.
"You're crazy, you know that?" he dismissed, refusing to play into her hands.
"Luke, where's your town spirit?" interrupted Taylor.
"You stay out of this, Taylor," Luke barked.
"Luke, I'm the head of the CSHSS, therefore I have an obligation to encourage people to take part in the festivities."
"The CSHSS?" Luke repeated incredulously.
"The Committee for Stars Hollow Seasonal Spirit, Luke," Taylor replied, at which point both of the men rolled their eyes, though for entirely different reasons.
"Luke," Lorelai bargained. "If you come to the meeting, then I promise I won't bug you for any more coffee tonight."
"If I go to the meeting, you won't be able to bug me for coffee anyway 'cause I will be at Town Hall at the meeting!" Luke emphasized. "Therefore, I won't be in the diner to serve it. But if you go to the meeting alone, then I won't even be around you to hear you begging."
"Luke. Can I have some coffee?" She put on her whiniest voice, her eyes sparkling. "Luke. Please! Some coffee!"
"All right already!" Luke caved quickly, knowing it would be the only way to shut her up. Lorelai was nothing if not persistent. "But if I have to go," he continued, pointing a finger at his chest. "Jess has to go. I'll need someone to gripe with me." Luke poured coffee for Lorelai and then for Taylor. Taylor barely hid his disappointment at the mention of Luke's nephew, Jess Mariano, the town's juvenile delinquent.
"Go where?" Jess asked, reaching the bottom of the stairs just in time to catch the end of the conversation.
"To the town meeting."
"Why?"
"To plan the Christmas festivities."
"Are you serious? How much Hee-Haw, small town shenanigans must one person endure?"
Luke poured coffee for another customer at the counter. "I'm not sure, but I've just about reached my limit."
"Oh, Jess, make sure Luke brings little Opie. We wouldn't want him to miss out on the fun," Lorelai teased before bringing the cup of coffee to her lips.
***
Later that night, Jess and Luke reluctantly walked into the town meeting, only to have Miss Patty all but thrust small, variously coloured ballot papers in their faces. "Hey boys. Fill these out for the Secret Santa drawing," the older woman said with her characteristic flirty voice.
"Secret Santa?" said Jess with a groan. "She's joking, right?"
"Unfortunately, no," Luke replied and then turned to the woman. "That's OK, Patty, I think we'll pass. Right, Jess?"
"Right." For once, uncle and nephew agreed wholeheartedly. Not giving Patty time to respond, they hurried to their seats.
As soon as they sat down, Luke saw Lorelai enter the hall. "Uh-oh. Duck," Luke ordered just before slumping as low as possible in his seat. It was too late though. Lorelai's voice boomed above the townsfolk's chatter.
"Luke! Patty says you didn't fill out a ballot! Come over here and fill one out."
Jess turned to look at Lorelai and then back at Luke, smirking. "Busted!"
Glancing back at Lorelai again, Jess noticed that Lorelai's daughter, Rory, was there as well, also filling out a ballot. Jess should have known that Rory would be taking part. The Gilmores were notoriously festive, in direct contradiction to the bearers of the Danes' anti-festivity gene. Rory was definitely interesting.
Just then, Rory's boyfriend, Dean Forester, came up the stairs and entered the hall. Jess frowned as he watched Rory kiss him and smilingly pass him a ballot. Nauseous, Jess turned away from the repulsive display. Once again, he had to secretly admit that his desire to slug Dean was due to pangs of jealousy.
There was no love lost between Jess and Dean. Jess had, in fact, almost slugged the boy once before and had already bested Dean at the town's basket auction. Making a bid for her basket that Dean could not have beaten, Jess won the charming company of Rory and infused a perma-scowl on the taller boy's face in the process. Dean's scowl had been the proverbial icing though. The best part by far had been his date with Rory.
Rory was the only person in town to whom Jess might actually enjoy giving gifts. In fact, Jess thought, this little, countrified abhorrence could be the perfect chance to work some magic on her. A chance to shower her with gifts without breaking the rules – while following the rules, in fact. What a concept!
Glancing around the room, Jess guessed that there were only about a hundred people there, and what with the three different colours of ballot paper, his odds got a little better. One out of thirty-three was still a long shot, but maybe Jess could draw Rory's name.
"Come on, Luke. Looks like she caught us," he said. Jess fixed a wearied expression on his face, as though Lorelai had roped him into participation as well. He hoped Luke wouldn't notice that she'd done no such thing.
"Traitor!" muttered Luke, and the two of them ambled over to the door and began filling out their names and addresses on the small ballot papers.
***
An hour later, the meeting was in the home stretch. Luke and Jess had successfully endured the soul-deadening discussion, with a little help from the wisecracks interjected by Lorelai and Rory who were sitting across the aisle. But now the moment had come. Taylor puffed himself up and tried to look a little more important. Jess shook his head. He got a kick out of the cardigan-clad, one-man, town pep squad.
"And now, folks. If there is no more business to be discussed." Taylor paused, as though to turn the meeting over to the floor, but no one spoke up. "I give you the moment you've all been waiting for: the Secret Santa drawing!"
Luke groaned.
"For those of you who are new here, I'll explain the tradition," announced Taylor, thoroughly enjoying his role as the center of attention as always. "Most of you have already entered your name into the drawing. If you have not, the gracious Miss Patty will bring a ballot around to you. If you haven't already, enter now, People! Anyone? Has everyone already entered?"
"I think so, Taylor," said Miss Patty.
"Last chance, People." He paused. "Very good. Now before you leave, be sure to pull a name out of the hat. If it's your name, put it back in and draw another one. That means you, Bootsie! I will not tolerate a repeat of last year," he chided. Then, without missing a beat, he continued, "The person on your slip of paper is your secret Giftee." Taylor enthusiastically punctuated the word with a gesture of his right hand. Jess chuckled to himself; he was pretty sure Taylor had been kept up late last night by his excitement to use the made-up word.
Taylor went on, as he was known to do. "You will secretly give that person 5 gifts, one a day until the Eve of Christmas, following a few simple guidelines I've drawn up, of course. Patty will have the guidelines available at the door as you go out. Meanwhile, another neighbourly townsperson will be secretly giving gifts to you. Then, on Christmas Eve, at the party in Town's Square, you will reveal your identity, and much good cheer will ensue! Meeting adjourned. Be sure to draw a name before you leave!" and with the thwack of Taylor's gavel, the townspeople began to filter out through the door, an excited Taylor leading the way.
"That was a good meeting," commented Rory, as she licked the last of the buttered flavour off her fingertips. She stood up and proceeded slowly as the crowd bottlenecked in the aisle.
"Of course," replied Lorelai. "And it went so well with popcorn."
"Only people I know who can get this excited over town meetings," observed Dean jovially.
"Anyone who doesn't find these meetings entertaining is crazy," said Lorelai.
"Yeah, sometimes they're entertaining," Dean agreed.
"Sometimes! Did you hear that, Daughter Dear? He said 'sometimes'."
"Yeah, I heard that," Rory replied with mocking disapproval. "They're always entertaining."
"Yeah, if you can't understand that," Lorelai chimed in. "You're crazy."
"Yeah," Rory giggled. "We're talking a few verses short of a Christmas carol, my friend!"
"Hey," Dean protested.
"Oooh!" Lorelai said, laughing. "I like that! A few verses short…" Lorelai broke off laughing again.
The girls continued slowly up the aisle, whereas Dean paused for a beat, and nearly got bumped from behind by an impatient Bootsie. Dean shook his head wryly at the futility of the conversation; there was no way out of this one. Rory turned around to stick out her tongue impudently. Dean couldn't help but smile at the twinkle in her eyes.
Once they'd reached the door, Dean snatched a ballot from the hat Miss Patty offered him and stepped out into the chilly night air. Miss Patty winked at him as he did so. Much to his chagrin, Lorelai and Rory noticed and promptly started teasing him about that instead.
Luke and Jess followed shortly behind. Luke chose a yellow paper out of the hat. "Oh, that's not so bad, I guess. I can do that," was all he said.
Now the hat of names was in front of Jess, and he reached inside. He'd seen Rory fill out a green slip of paper at the door so Jess plucked out a green one. Once Miss Patty moved on with the hat, Jess unfolded the slip.
"Oh, geez! I don't believe it!" he moaned.
Luke, standing next to Jess, tried to take a peek at the slip. Jess hid it quickly, stuffing the offending paper into his pocket.
"What's wrong? Do you need me to point the person out?" asked Luke, referring to the fact that Jess was rather new in town.
"No. I know the person." Boy, did he ever. Jess was the Secret Santa of none other than Rory's wonderful boyfriend, Dean Forester. Jess scowled wearily while Luke raised an eyebrow.
Outside on the sidewalk, Taylor Doose watched Jess with an identical expression. Unbeknownst to Jess, Taylor's slip of paper held Jess's name. Suddenly, a much-adored tradition had turned ugly.
***
The Gilmores and Dean were strolling across Town Square, away from the meeting, when Rory's friend Lane Kim trotted up behind them.
"Hey, Lane!" said Lorelai. "Did your mother let you take part in the Secret Santa drawing this year?"
"Are you kidding?" Lane answered. "The day Mama Kim lets me take part in the Secret Santa festivities is the day Noel and Liam finally start getting along!"
"Never gonna happen," Lorelai stated.
"Exactly."
"That's too bad!" commiserated Rory, giving her best friend a loose hug.
"It's OK. I'm used to it," Lane assured her as they walked on. "So is everybody happy with their Giftees?"
"Uh. Well. I guess so," muttered Lorelai.
"Who'd you get, Mom?"
"I can't tell you. It's supposed to be a secret."
"Tell me later?"
"Of course." They walked on. "I will tell you, however, that it's really bad."
"I'm sure it's not that bad," Dean said.
"No, it is!"
"Please." Dean turned to her. "I drew Miss Patty's name. Top that!"
"Oh no!" Lane and Rory chorused.
"Oh! It'll take months of avoiding her flirtatious come-ons to counteract 5 little gifts!" commiserated Lorelai.
"I know," Dean sighed.
"You're right. You win," Lorelai admitted.
"If this is what it takes to win, I'd rather lose, believe me," Dean stated, sadly. "Well, I'm gonna go home… and mope."
"Aww, my poor Sweetie!" Rory soothed, moving in to kiss him. "Goodnight. Feel better."
"Thanks." Dean kissed her back. Neither took notice of the 'gagging' noises passing between Lorelai and Lane. "Night, All," Dean said when the kiss was finished. Lorelai and Lane bid their goodnights, and Dean's course veered off to the left.
"What about you, Rory? Who's your Giftee?" Lane asked.
"I don't know her. Shannon Hicks. Do you know her?"
"It's a guy."
"A guy named Shannon?"
"Yeah," said Lane. "He's a sophomore at SHHS."
"Oh. You'll have to point him out to me. It's gonna be hard trying to buy for someone I don't know."
"Not as hard as buying for someone you know really, really well," Lorelai moaned.
"How can it be hard to buy for someone you know?" Lane asked, curious.
"When every gift will have hidden meaning attached to it."
"Hidden meaning?" Rory repeated. Coming to a realization, she smiled widely. "I know who Mom has," she sang in a teasing voice.
"Who?" Lane inquired.
"Luke!" Rory said triumphantly.
"Ah!" Lorelai uttered, her mouth gaping open in shock. "You're a witch! Quick, Lane, to a lake! We'll throw her in, and, if she floats, she really is a witch, and we can do away with her. If she sinks – well, she's cleared, but she's still fish food. I win either way." Lorelai grinned evilly.
"Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke," Rory chanted melodically.
"Stop saying Luke or I'll have to puke," Lorelai ordered. "Hey, Luke rhymes with puke. I'll have to file that away for future reference."
"What's so bad about having Luke?" Lane questioned.
Lorelai and Rory exchanged looks. Then Rory began, "Well, when you're in lo—"
"Stop right there, child, or I really will burn you at the stake. Enough discussion of Luke. It's time to guess who our Secret Santas are."
"But we haven't even received gifts yet," Rory pointed out.
"It's a tradition. C'mon. Ooh, maybe the cute milkman has me!" Lorelai suggested.
"Mom, he's practically 100."
"Didn't stop Anna Nicole," she declared as they continued towards their house. "Besides, maybe he'll give me ice cream."
***
The next morning, Jess dragged himself to school. It was during 2nd period math that he finally got a chance to read his book-du-jour. He probably should have been working on algebra, but he didn't let that bother him.
Just minutes after he began reading, the teacher left the room to make photocopies, and, in no time, the silence was eaten away by students' chatter. Two girls - a redhead and a blond with brown roots - crossed the room and clustered around the girl situated on Jess's right. The three began prattling on in stage whispers. Jess tried to ignore their babble and focus on his novel. However, it became increasingly difficult not to listen to them as their conversation got more involved. Jess found himself rereading a single sentence over and over.
"It would have been so cool to draw his name! I've liked him for so long!" said Jess's classroom neighbour, a blond whom he vaguely knew as Lindsay or Linda. Jess realized they were talking about Secret Santas. Oh, shut up already! he thought, hating to be reminded of his predicament.
"But instead I drew his girlfriend's name," she lamented. With a sigh, Jess finally gave up on his book. It seemed their conversation could pique his interest after all. He had found himself in the exact same situation, having drawn Rory's boyfriend's name.
The redhead, whom Jess didn't know, piped up. "Who's his girlfriend? I've never seen him around school with any girls."
"That's cause she goes to some fancy, hoity-toity private school in Hartford."
"Her name's Rory," twittered the natural brunette.
"So now I have to buy gifts for my competition!" The blond moaned.
Meanwhile, Jess had all but dropped his book. She had drawn Rory's name. Cool as ice, Jess slid his desk a couple feet to the right so that it aligned with that of his new partner in crime. "Hey, it's Lindsay, right?" he inquired conspiratorially.
"Linda."
"Right, Linda. So Linda, I couldn't help but overhear, you were yakkin' so loud."
"Gee, thanks," she replied, rolling her eyes.
"I think I may be able to help you out."
"Oh really?" She exchanged doubtful looks with her friends, as if to say 'Who is this guy?' Turning back to him with a sarcastic look, she said, "And how might you do that?"
Jess reached into his pocket where he'd crumpled Dean's ballot the night before. He'd worn the same jeans this morning – actually, he'd slept in them the night before - and the paper was right where he'd left it. He flattened the note and tossed it down on the desk in front of Linda. With glee, he watched her eyes get very wide.
"What is it?" the redhead was curious to know.
"You've got Dean's name."
"He does?" The redhead grabbed at the paper, but Linda snatched it up first.
"Trade ya?" Jess asked, his eyes twinkling.
"Yeah!" she replied, shaking his hand. "Secret Santa just got a whole lot better this year."
"Who'd I get then?" Jess inquired, seemingly innocent.
"Oh!" The blond reached into her purse and pulled out a little green piece of paper. "Rory Gilmore."
"Oh! Rory Gilmore? What a surprise!" As he took the paper and read the particulars written in her small, flowing script, Jess just couldn't wipe the smile off his face.
***
Across town in the kitchen of the Independence Inn, Lorelai was with her best friend and favourite chef, Sookie St. James, also discussing the objects of their gift giving. Lorelai had just broken down and admitted she'd chosen Luke's name out of the hat.
Sookie could barely contain her glee when Lorelai told her the news. Lorelai and Luke were so hung up on one another. This could be interesting! Distracted by this new development, Sookie was completely oblivious to the containers of sage and thyme spices that she had just knocked over.
Despite Sookie's apparent excitement, Lorelai was just a little bit upset. "But do you know how hard it will be to buy for Luke?"
"But you've bought clothes for him before. How hard could it be?"
"But I was buying those clothes for him so he could impress Rachel," Lorelai stated, referring with some distaste to the only woman with which Lorelai had ever known Luke to have a serious relationship. It was a feeling she had despite, or perhaps because of, the fact that Rachel was such a wonderful person. "Now he's unattached, and these gifts will hold more weight. I have to proceed carefully."
Sookie giggled blissfully and got that annoyingly knowing look in her eyes. "You just feel that way because you like him."
"Sookie!" Lorelai exclaimed. "You know Luke and I are just friends."
"I know. But I also know you both want to be more. You don't hide it from me, Sweetie."
Lorelai groaned. First, Rory had said that the night before and now Sookie! "Enough about my Giftee. Who did you get?"
"Kirk."
"Oooh, that's tough."
"And scary."
***
Tune in tomorrow. Please review!
This story is a collaborative effort between MahliaLily (http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=288788) and CircleSky.