Started my daily ficlets to make the hiatus pass, then decided to keep going with a 2nd cycle, and then a 3rd, 4th, etc through 32nd cycle. Now cycle 33!
Hear that little bird twitter! Been thinking about doing this for a couple days, then this morning decided to just go for it. If you go there, find 'gleekathon' and there I'll be. There's also a video explaining everything... Yep... ;) Check it out!
"Meaning In Words"
Brittany, Brittany/Santana
When she was younger, in elementary school, she had… problems. She wouldn't pay attention, or she wouldn't do some things right, so her teachers would make her stay at recess or at the end of the day, and she would be made to write on the board, over and over again, the same sentence, like 'I will listen when my teacher is speaking.' Over and over… and over…
Except by the end of it she'd written the words so many times that they didn't feel like words anymore… They'd lost meaning…
That was what it felt like sometimes with Santana, or rather… that was what she was afraid it would become.
She'd told her how she felt, how she loved her. She'd told her whenever she asked and then some. And Santana had said it, too… And yet here they were… love spoken, but still kept hidden like shame. Brittany understood, of course she did. But at the same time there was this fear.
She'd never stop loving Santana; that wasn't ever going to happen. But what would happen to that love if things carried on like this? If they continued in this holding pattern…
In a way she felt responsible. There had been a moment, the closest Santana had gotten to taking that leap, only Brittany couldn't go with her, not without hurting someone else. And for one foolish moment she'd thought that she could get through this with no one getting hurt at all…
Only someone did… and she retreated, Santana did. And Brittany wished with every bit of herself that it didn't have to happen, but what else was she supposed to do? She was firm in her beliefs, and she couldn't have just dumped Artie. What they had mattered to her, and he mattered… it wouldn't have been right.
And at the same time, it did feel as though he had helped. The things she had experienced with him, they had opened her eyes, and she had seen what these feelings could bring to a relationship. So, when faced with her relationship with Santana again, she had to know, had to ask her… about feelings… and then everything else had happened.
Now here they were, words all out in the open, emotions, feelings, love… expressed from one, to the other and back… over and over… and over… But here they were again, and it was starting to cause friction.
They both knew what they wanted now, and it was a powerful thing… sometimes dangerous… Every time they came back to the well, every time they went through the motions and said the words, every time… nothing happened… It was dizzying, confusing… frustrating…
Some days, Brittany wanted to be bold. More than just inviting her on Fondue For Two for a prom proposal, she wanted to walk right up to her, wrap her arms around her, and just kiss her, with all the love in her heart, and for her to do the same… for all to see and know… Some days that thought alone would sustain her hope. There was just one problem… She couldn't do that to her.
Again, she understood it was hard on her, even if she didn't think it had to be… Santana was one of the greatest people she knew, the best. She was strong, and she spoke her mind… But she could be fragile too. No one knew her heart the way she did… maybe because she didn't let them – just her. But she knew the parts of Santana Lopez that no one else did, and that was what killed her about this.
They should know her, too. She liked feeling loved, and special, but everyone else was missing out. That was how things had to be, for now, but maybe… definitely… some day that would change…
But for now she said her words, over and over… and over… and every time she did it was like she paused, waited, in case something new happened. She was ready for it, so ready.
She would hold that girl's pinky forever… But what she really wanted was to hold her whole hand…
THE END
A/N: This is a one-shot ficlet, which means that signing up for story alert will not bring you any alerts.
In the event of a sequel, the story will be separate from this one. And as chapter stories go, they are
always clearly indicated as such [ex: "Days 204-210" in the summary] Thank you!