WINNER OF THE HOSTESS PICK FOR 'A LOVELIKEFIRE 2011' CONTEST.
I'm beyond thrilled, truly I am. I won an amazing banner by myrobaddiction - she captured my idea of Jasper perfectly - http : / twitpic . com / 54d88y
Title: The Valley Of Your Heart
Author: RhythmJunkie
Beta: The delectable PortiaKhalo
Pairing: Jasper/Edward
Rating: M
Prompt: The Cave by Mumford and Sons
Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight. All of it.
I'm standing in the middle of the playground with this big kid making fun of my hair. I'm seven and my mama still decides things like clothes and haircut. Can't really do much with my hair to be fair; it's thick and stands up everywhere and does what it wants to do regardless of my mother's coaxing.
So I'm standing there, the new kid in a jeering mass of best friends and old allies, trying not to cry when someone says, "Leave him alone."
In the few weeks I've lived in Texas I've really grown to hate that accent but this particular light drawl nearly has me dancing in relief. Maybe because it's the first positive thing anyone's said to me in this stupid state. An absurd ache for the rain wells up in me and I feel my chin wobble a little. I try and fight it but the big kid notices.
"Aw, you gonna cry?" His face is close to mine and his mouth is twisted. I can see that one of his eyes is slightly higher than the other. For some reason it's all I can think about and my hands shake with the effort of holding that information in.
"I said leave him be." The voice is angry now but I still can't see the owner, angled as he is behind my tormentor. The big kid turns, cocky painted across his face. He's clearly the undisputed king of this territory.
"Whatcha gonna do Whitlock…" and a fist meets his face.
The big kid hits the asphalt with a thud, leaving me staring at a wiry boy with curly sun-blonde hair. He stares back at me, not smiling. I want to dance because the big kid is crying for his mama and everyone else is whispering and staring at the blonde boy, whose staring at me. I don't dance though.
Someone yells for the teacher and suddenly there are kids running around and grown-ups everywhere. One grabs the blonde kid by the arm and drags him towards the school, marching and admonishing, but his eyes never leave mine.
I stand watching the nurse help the big kid off the ground. His lip is busted and his nose is swelling. I try not to smile but it slips through before I can control it.
Then I'm running.
I ignore the yells of protest as I tear through the school wildly until I find the office. I ignore the surprised squeak of the receptionist and barrel through the door. The blonde kid is sitting on one side of the desk and the Principal is finger-wagging over the top of him. They both look up, surprised, when I skid to a halt, hands gripping the edge of the desk as I catch my breath.
"Young man," the Principal begins but I cut him off, my head too full of words to hold them back.
"You can't give him into any trouble," I pant, eyes for the grown-up in the room only, "He was defending me! That other kid was being…mean." I trail off, unable to voice what it really means; not to a grown-up. This boy, who doesn't know me, stepped up for me, effectively stopping me from becoming the go-to guy for beatings and taunting for the rest of my school career here.
"Is this true Jasper?" The Principal's voice is stern and I have a name: Jasper. I try it out in my head. It sounds exotic and foreign to me, a boy from a world of Mark's and Tom's and Eric's. I've obviously missed something because the Principal continues, "Well, that may be but we don't resort to violence…" I cut him off again.
"That other kid was going to punch me," I insist, leaning over the desk, "He was defending me."
"Young man, you need to wait outside."
Jasper joins me a few minutes later, taking the seat next to me, saying nothing. I fidget, unsure of what I should do. My seven-year-old brain can't process this kinda stuff. In the end I mumble a lame 'thanks'. I get no response.
We sit in silence, side by side, for a half hour until our parents show up. We get dragged into the office, me and Jasper's mama nervous, my parents agitated and Jasper…well, he just saunters in and sits down, giving nothing away. There's a lot of talk, some raised voices; I butt in and get reprimanded. Jasper's mama's voice has a pleading tone. He takes no notice.
"Mrs Whitlock, you understand this is an expulsion offence," the Principal speaks and Jasper's mama's head dips. Jasper stiffens beside her, his first visible reaction, and my father clears his throat to speak but the Principal holds up his hand for silence. "However, this young man seems adamant that your son was protecting him and so…" He pauses, looking at me hard. "I will let it slide this one time."
Jasper's mama squeals her thanks over and over and we're ushered out of the office. As soon as we're out, Jasper's mama grabs me in a hug that I think might crush my bones, whispering thank you in my ear over and over. We're sent to classes as our parents depart.
Jasper says nothing but he sits with me at lunch. I stop trying to make conversation after a while and just feel grateful for his presence.
After school we part at the gates and all night I worry that he won't be at school the next day or, worse, he'll avoid me. When I get to school the next morning he's waiting at the gate for me.
OoOoOoOo
The worst has happened. My dad was offered a new job in Washington and took it. We're leaving in three weeks. I'm with Jasper and I'm having a panic attack. I can't breathe. I can't. Jasper has his hand on my back soothingly.
"Gotta stay calm E," his voice reverberates through me like it always does when he speaks, "It'll be okay." And I'm furious.
"What?" I rasp in his face. "Are you kidding?"
He's used to my emotional tantrums and simply stands there, taking it. Damn him! I'm moving across the damn country and my best friend is staying here. Even at twelve I know that isn't right.
"I'm not meant to be away from you Jasper," I tell him. He smiles and squeezes my shoulder.
"I know."
OoOoOoOo
We've been in the car twenty minutes, driving away from everything I need in my life. My palms are sweating and I can't stop shivering. I can see the concerned looks mama is giving dad when she thinks I'm not paying attention. I insisted we leave before Jasper was supposed to get to our house. I couldn't face saying goodbye. It would be too much. I already feel like my insides are exploding.
"Baby?" Mama's voice is so quiet, her eyes full of concern and suddenly I know I've messed up. I sit bolt upright and the look on my face makes her gasp.
"We need to go back," I say urgently and my voice scares me. Without a word, Dad u-turns the car and I will be forever grateful to him for just knowing.
When we get close to home he signals to turn on the road to Jasper's but I know Jasper won't be there so I gesture to go straight ahead, not trusting my voice. When we pull up in front of our house I see him. He's sitting on our porch steps just staring at nothing. I feel something in me break a little and I'm out of the car and running up the path. Jasper stands when he sees me and I throw myself into his arms and cling to him. I hear my parents come up behind us but I ignore them.
Jasper simply lets me. Like he always does. Totally unfazed by any of my behaviour.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I murmur, trying not to cry and he chuckles, rubbing between my shoulder blades.
"It's okay E," he whispers, "I knew you'd come back."
It takes mama a few minutes to prise my hands from Jasper's shoulders. She keeps asking me to let go but my fingers don't want to obey. When she finally gets him free, my Dad steps between us and gives Jasper a box.
"It's a phone son," he says, "You boys seem very fond of each other and Esme and I wanted to make it easy for the two of you to keep in touch." Jasper starts to protest but mama raises her hand, shushing him.
"We're paying for it – don't argue young man, you're family," she says firmly, "You use it as much as you like, don't worry about the bill."
Jasper's cheeks are pink and I move toward him but mama holds me back, probably worried about how long it will take to pull me away a second time.
"Thank you," he stammers, nodding at my dad as mama swoops down and kisses his cheek. Then he's in front of me, thrusting something into my hand. I look down and realise he's given me his dad's watch. I'm completely dumbstruck, holding Jasper's most prized possession in my hands.
"Jas, I can't…" I step forward but he steps away from me shaking his head.
"Take it E," he says, not looking at me, "Hold it for me."
I don't know what to say or do so I just gape at my hand. I look up and Jasper locks eyes with me.
"I'll come get it sometime," he whispers and I know then that our separation is just as hard for him as it is for me, that this is his way of keeping me. I twist out of mama's grasp and it's another ten minutes before she can pry me and Jasper apart.
OoOoOoOo
I hate Forks.
It's cold.
It's wet.
It's full of trees that are too big and plants that don't seem to know where they belong. I miss the heat and the bitingly dry wind; I miss the smell of warm leather and hay. I miss Jasper. I miss him so much that it's a physical ache I carry with me every day. I have no interest in these pale kids who whisper behind their hands about me, the new kid again.
I feel like I'm missing a limb. It hurts to breathe. Mama's been watching me, her face pinched with anxiety. I try to reassure her but I feel blown apart and I don't think I do so well at hiding it all the time.
I'm sitting alone at lunch, wondering what Jasper is doing, when a girl with long brown hair stumbles into the chair opposite me. Her apple tumbles from her tray as she tries to right herself and I reach out, catching it and handing it back. She smiles gratefully.
"Bella Swan," she says in a sweet voice that makes me smile instantly, "and you're Edward Cullen."
I nod and know that I've found a friend. My ache for Jasper intensifies.
OoOoOoOo
Jasper's mama has died. My dad flew down immediately and I'm waiting at the airport for him to bring Jasper home to me. I feel horrible because I feel a little bit happy. I shouldn't. I know Jasper loved his mama and he must be hurting so bad that it twists my insides to think about it but I can't help the little gleeful spark in my stomach knowing he's on his way to me.
I've only seen Jasper once since leaving Texas and that was almost a year ago when he came to visit for a week in the summer. We speak on the phone every day but it isn't the same as him sitting silently next to me, just being there.
I see them coming through the terminal and mama has to hold me back from running over and leaping on my friend. When he gets closer I can see black circles under his eyes. He hasn't been sleeping and I'd bet my chucks he hasn't been eating either.
When they're a few steps away he looks up and meets my eye and the misery in his face knocks me back a step. My body erupts in mirroring anguish. He's my best friend and it kills me to see him like this, knowing I can't make it better. Suddenly I'm irrationally angry at Jasper's mama for making his face twist with sadness. He shouldn't ever look like that. Rage twists my gut hard and I have to clench my fists behind my back to hold it in.
We sit, side by side, in the car on the way home. I don't say anything. Neither does he. Mama fusses around him when we get into the house, making sure he eats, trying to comfort him with little things like a stroke of her hand over his curls. I can see it's hurting him more, reminding him of what he's lost, and I want to scream at her to leave him be. I start a little, surprised at this. I try to shake it off but there's a voice in my head telling me that I know Jasper better than anyone else and I'm the only one who knows how to comfort him; I'm the only one who should be comforting him.
Finally my parents are satisfied they've done everything they can to make Jasper feel at home so I grasp his wrist and pull him off the stool and lead him upstairs. I pull him into my room and sit him on the end of the bed. This could be awkward but I refuse to let it be. I might only be fourteen but Jasper is my best friend, my responsibility, and I'm going to take care of him.
I bend down and unlace his boots, pulling them off along with his socks. He just sits there. I go to the bathroom and get a warm washcloth. I wash his face, neck and hands, getting the plane off of his skin. Still he just sits there and he's scaring me but I refuse to give in to it. I'm gonna be strong for him because he needs me.
When he's clean, I pull him up the bed and lay him down. I lie beside him and wait. I know Jasper. I know him well enough not to push him. We lay there, not speaking, staring at the ceiling. After an eternity, he rolls on his side and presses into me. I roll towards him and let him push closer, like he's trying to hide under my skin. I put my arm around him and stroke his hair. I don't say anything. He holds onto me like he's drowning and I feel a shameful tug of pleasure in my brain knowing he's relying on me. I push it away and pull him closer. His breaths are hot and hard against my shoulder for a little while until he suddenly sighs, flexes his fingers against me, and relaxes in my arms. I know he's found the sleep he so desperately needs and that little niggle of pleasure is back, knowing I'm the reason for it.
OoOoOoOo
Jasper doesn't like it when I'm not nearby so I make sure I'm always within touching distance. He doesn't say it but I can tell by the way his panicked eyes follow my footsteps. Sometimes he gets this look on his face like he's sinking, and I have to reach out and hold onto him to bring him back. Times like that he clings to me, saying everything he needs to with body language. Other times just a brush of my arm or hand is enough to calm him.
Mama has taken me out of school for two weeks and most days I get up early to do a few hours schoolwork at my desk before waking Jasper. The one time he woke up and I wasn't there he had a panic attack, hunting the house for me. Dad had to give him a shot to calm him down. I made sure that didn't happen again. We have breakfast then he sits on the floor by my chair, sometimes reading, sometimes staring into space, always touching my ankle, whilst I finish what I don't get done in the morning.
The afternoon is ours and mostly we lounge in the garden or in the conservatory if it's wet outside. Sometimes I get him to venture into town but I can tell this makes him unhappy, his face rigid whenever we leave the sanctuary of my house. Our house.
OoOoOoOo
I'm at the airport again. I didn't even get two weeks with Jasper before someone wanted to separate us. Jasper is standing beside me, the social worker with the pitying eyes on his other side. He doesn't want to leave. His entire body is rigid. I don't speak to him because I'm afraid if I open my mouth then I might have a complete break-down. This is worse than the first time we were separated. Somehow this feels final and I'm terrified. I thought Jasper was gonna stay with us, I know my parents were planning on keeping him. He didn't even know his mama had a cousin Maria.
He should be staying here with people who know him; with people who love him. My fists itch to beat the stupid social services woman and my throat aches to scream that he's mine and she can't take him. I can't do that, I know I can't. I really want to.
"It's time boys."
I can't. This isn't fair. This isn't how it's supposed to be. He isn't meant to be leaving me again. I feel like I've turned to stone beside him. I know he's looking at me but I can't look at him. I can't. I'm so scared I might break open right here in this too-hot airport lounge. I dig my nails into my palm, trying to breathe, trying to think.
Jasper touches me and I feel calm radiating from his palm into my body. I don't know how he does that but it's like he just knows. He always just knows. He pulls me into a hug and I don't want to let him go and shit, shit, shit, this hurts.
"I'll call you," he rasps in my ear and I just cling harder. The social worker takes his arm and firmly tugs him away. He won't meet my eyes. I want to say something but I don't know what.
"Don't forget me," he whispers, low and hard, then he's gone through the terminal with a woman who knows nothing about him. It takes both mama and dad to hold me back from running after him.
I go back to school on Monday and sweet Bella is sympathetic and lovely and all I can think is she's not Jasper and my head hurts from not sleeping and my eyes hurt from crying and my heart hurts from missing him.
"What's up Cullen?" Mike is standing in the carpark, with his stupid friends who don't know what friendship means, sneering at me. "Your boyfriend leave?"
It takes three people to drag me off him. I'm suspended for a week.
OoOoOoOo
It's been four months since I heard from Jasper. I don't know what to do. Dad won't let me fly down there. Mama says he's probably caught up in his new life and I want to yell at her that I am his life and I don't know what to do.
At first he called every night as usual. Then he started sounding odd. I gave him space, because it's Jasper and I know Jasper, but he just got more distant. Then he started missing a day, then two. For a while he called once a week and our conversations were so meaningless that I wanted to cry. They were the best times of my week. They were the worst times of my week. I ached for my Jasper, not this odd robot-boy he'd been replaced with. One day he hung up and never called again.
Now I'm here, four months on, and mama is talking about therapy and dad is watching me carefully all the time and I want to scream. But I don't. I stay quiet. I don't let them see how bad it is. Because it's really bad.
Nothing makes sense without Jasper. It's like the world twisted a little when I wasn't looking and now everything except my pain is slightly off, slightly out of focus. I'm losing weight and I'm not sleeping and everyone's worried but I can't bring myself to care because none of them are Jasper.
Mama makes me my favourite meals but taste and texture don't live in my world anymore. Dad takes me out, to ball games and films, but words and actions don't make sense in my brain. The only one who seems to understand is Bella, who comes over and sits with me in silence. And I love her for it but she's not fucking Jasper.
I'm lying on my bed, it's 2am, and I know I'm not sleeping again tonight. I lie quite still, letting the abyss inside me rage because this is the only time I can give up control and give into the destruction that swirls beneath my skin. Something is pushing at my consciousness, trying to pull me back, but I fight it. This is the only time I get to feel my pain.
I start, realising the phone my dad gave me to keep in contact with Jasper is ringing. I leap off my bed and dig through my desk to find it. By the time I get it in my hand its gone dark but I can see Jasper's name listed on the screen in the green 'missed call' colour. It starts ringing in my hand and I drop it, my heart beating out of my chest. I scramble at my feet and pick it up, pulling it to my ear quickly in case he hangs up.
"Hello?"
At first there's nothing but breathing on the other end and I think my heart is going to explode from the adrenalin coursing through my system.
"Jasper?" My voice is hesitant, quiet. Then I hear a harsh sob and it's like someone flipped a switch in my brain and everything that's been missing this past four months comes rushing in, tearing through me like a hurricane, dropping me to my knees. All the colours and sounds and tastes and textures and smells…it's too much information, too much to process, so I pull my t-shirt over my head and hide inside it.
"Edward."
His voice is tiny. Not the voice I'm used to. It sounds so small, so broken. I close my eyes and feel harsh, silent tears soaking my skin. I'm shaking.
"E?" He says again and my heart clenches.
"Jasper, what's wrong?" I fumble my words. "Are you hurt?"
He cries harder and I don't understand what world this is because my Jasper doesn't cry. My Jasper is quiet and smart and sturdy and he doesn't cry and I don't understand what's happening, I don't understand.
"I'm sorry I haven't called," he whispers and the raw tone, like he's been screaming for hours, tears at the shreds of my heart, "but they took my phone and I only just managed to find it. I was so scared you would be mad and you wouldn't want to talk to me Edward, I was so scared…"
He trails off and I'm furious. Someone is hurting him, I know it. I swear I'll kill them. He's mine. No one should ever hurt him, not ever. My body is stiff with rage and I clutch the phone so hard I hear the plastic case groan in my ear.
"Edward…?" His voice is hesitant and he shouldn't ever have to be hesitant with me.
"Jasper, I will always want to talk to you," I hiss fiercely into the mouthpiece, "no matter what, I will always want you. You're my best friend."
He cries for a while and I sit at the bottom of the bed, biting my lip so hard I can taste blood, listening to him. He's hurting and I want to make it better and I want to kill everyone who has made him like this and I want to hold him and I want to take his pain from him because he should only ever smile and I feel so utterly helpless.
"Jasper," I whisper and I hear him quieting to hear me, "I'm gonna get my dad to come get you…" He cuts me off, his panicked breaths raising my own.
"No, no, no E you can't!" He's so fucking scared, out of his mind, and I can feel a hard ball of rage taking residence in the pit of my stomach.
"Jasper…" I try but he's begging me and begging me, sobbing and gasping, and I can't say no to him. He's my best friend.
I agree to keep quiet and he promises to call me every couple of days and then we go quiet, just listening to each other's breathing, reassuring ourselves the other is still there. Eventually he has to go and reluctantly I hang up, clutching the now-silent phone in my hand so tightly my fingers ache.
The next morning the rage is still there, hard and cold, waiting to be put to use. I go downstairs to breakfast and dad and mama are sitting across the table from each other. They look up, concern on their faces changing to surprise when they take in my expression.
"I want to join a gym." I just come right out with it. Dad's eyebrows shoot up in surprise and he glances at mama.
"Oh?" He says and I can tell he's trying to come up with a suitable answer to what wasn't a question.
"To get fit," I spit and he nods approvingly. Mama is looking at me, a hint of suspicion on her face but she's so pleased that I'm acting alive that I think she'd agree to let me do anything
"I'll sort it out…" Dad says.
"Today," I reply, "I want to get started after school."
I'm determined to get strong. When Jasper is ready I'm gonna go fetch him but I'm gonna make sure that I'm in the right shape to kill whoever is hurting him.
OoOoOoOo
It's a boiling hot June night but I'm ice cold. Jasper hasn't called in four days and I'm scared. Saturday night we'd been talking about the summer holidays and being seniors when we go back after the break when he'd suddenly whispered "E, I gotta go, I gotta go".
I sit with the phone in my hand and I will the hunk of junk to ring. I'm so scared someone found out about the phone they thought they'd taken from him. Or something worse.
I close my eyes against the thought but my brain regales me with every wincing breath I've heard fall from Jasper's lips the past three years, every small admission of the torture inflicted on him daily by Maria and her bitch sisters. He tells me it isn't that bad but I fucking know he's keeping it light, protecting me.
I'm shaking with rage and fear and adrenalin so I head over to the weight bench and start lifting. Ever since that night he called, crying and wretched, I work out. I've run and lifted and punched and jumped and skipped my body into a powerhouse for him. I'm never gonna be big like the muscle-heads but I'm fast and lithe and fucking ripped. Girls at school started to notice last year, nudging each other and whispering behind their hands about me, but I didn't do it for vanity. I intend to protect what's mine and had to make sure I had the necessary tools to do so.
I'm trying to work off the adrenalin and I hear a rattle of something against my window. Getting up, I go over and throw it wide, leaning out into the cool night. I can't see shit.
"Hello?"
"E."
I know that voice. My whole body goes into palpitations and I lean further out, scouring the lawn below my window for a figure I haven't seen in three years. Looking back up at me, from fucking haunted eyes, is Jasper. My Jasper.
"Stay there," I instruct, "I'm coming down" but he shakes his head frantically and starts climbing the tree outside my window. A few minutes later he's pulling himself over my sill and fuck he looks like shit, like a hobo or something.
I take in his clothing, layered and filthy, the smell about enough to knock me flat. His face has dried blood on it and some sort of marks I can't quite make out because of the dirt on his skin and the dim light in my room. We stand, staring at each other for what feels like forever and my heart is beating out of my chest because he's here and he's safe and he's alive and he's fucking here!
I step forward and yank him into me. Shit, it feels so good to be able to touch him. I've missed that so much. I feel his hands fisting my shirt and he's clinging to me and I'm back to scared because this isn't my Jasper and something is wrong. Now the initial elation at seeing him has worn off, I can feel in my bones that something is very very fucked.
"Jas?" I try to pull back so I can look at him but he clings tighter, face buried in my shoulder, body quivering against mine. I stay, holding him, and this time I whisper comfort into his dirty, matted hair because this is a broken version of my Jasper and I can feel that he needs it. He's mumbling and I can't understand what he's saying so I pull him back a little and tilt my head.
"…couldn't take it…so much pain…fucking bitches…so fucking scared E…really hurt me…killed her…"
My stomach drops into my knees and, shit, because I suddenly recognise that smell, the one hidden under the dirt and the grime and the tears.
Blood.
I drag him into the bathroom, flipping the light on and flipping it straight back off when he hisses behind my neck. I sit him gently on the toilet and start running a bath. As soon as it's done, I turn back to him. He's just sitting there, watching me, trusting me.
I pull him up and unzip the ugly, puffy jacket he's wearing, pulling it from his shoulders and depositing it on the floor near the door. The t-shirt he's wearing is stained with dried blood but that's not what makes my eyes go wide and my entire body clench.
The marks on his face? Bite marks. Motherfucking bite marks. I can see them, some scabbed and healing, some already healed into vivid white scars. They trail down his neck and disappear under the caked t-shirt he wears. Slowly I motion him to raise his arms and he does, obedient as a child.
With the t-shirt off I can see the bite marks mar his entire upper body. I quickly take off the rest of his clothes, thinking rip the band-aid Edward, just rip. When he's naked in front of me, I can see that they cover his entire body, like someone's been using him as their own personal chew toy. New ones crisscross angry pink wounds which, in turn, crisscross old, faded silver scars. This abuse has obviously been going on since he was taken from me and the wrath I feel is making my bones grind.
Gently I lead him to the bath and help him in. He sits, patiently, as I wash every inch of his skin, wiping away that fucking bitch and her sisters and whomever else they allowed to mark my beautiful boy. I wash out his hair and then, softly, his face and neck.
Once he's dry I go wake my dad.
I spend the next week in the hospital, by Jasper's side. My mama takes care of us and my dad administers his treatment whilst dealing with the police, lawyers and everyone else that has to be involved. Turns out Jasper snapped and stabbed Maria and her sisters to death then spent four days hiking from Texas to Washington. To me.
The police speak to him, as do the FBI, profilers and psychologists. My dad is polite but firm that, this time, Jasper is staying with us. I never leave his side.
We spend the summer at home, recuperating and reconnecting. There's an investigation into the abuse, into Maria and her sisters, but no matter how much people try to get Jasper to talk, he'll only say the minimum about it.
His scars are healing but it's slow going. Every night I rub antiseptic cream on his body because mine is the only touch he'll tolerate. The little flash of glee I get from this is totally kept at bay by the horror of what he's been through. My heart hurts for every single mark he has on his skin and I find myself wanting to press my lips to each one, to let him know they don't matter to me. I don't.
Turns out he hasn't been to school for a year because that bitch thought the marks were getting too obvious. Mama gets work from the school-board that's designed to help him catch up in time for senior year. I patiently help him with everything but he barely needs it – he's always been the smartest of the two of us.
The only time we're separated is when he has to see the court-appointed therapist and even then I sit in the waiting room for the hour. It was decided, after taking everything into consideration, that no charges were to be brought against Jasper on the condition that he spent an hour a week with a psychologist. He doesn't talk about it. I don't ask.
OoOoOoOo
When school starts back, people are wary of Jasper. Only Bella looks at him like a person instead of something to be whispered about. There are some great rumours that go around to explain his appearance – the court kept his name quiet because he was still a minor so we'd managed to keep the story outta the Forks gossip mill.
We're sitting at lunch and it's October, dull and wet outside, and I'm noticing the girls of Forks High noticing Jasper. They whisper behind their hands, like they did with me, but there's more fervour in their glances. I'm angry but I can't figure out why. I don't want them looking at him. I listen to them giggle when he speaks in that southern drawl, watch them blush when he calls them 'miss'. I know he does it because he hasn't bothered to learn their names but they don't. That knowledge makes me feel a little bit better but I still don't get why my hands ache to clench when I hear Jessica Stanley whispering about how 'shit-hot' Jasper is.
Jasper, for his part, never seems to take notice and it worries me a little how hard I watch him for any evidence that he wants one of these girls. I didn't realise I had such a jealous streak. It makes my hands a little sweaty when I think about being jealous of a girl dating my best friend. It's not like someone could come between us. I mean, if Maria couldn't break our bond then no one can, right?
I get up and head to gym early, nodding at Jasper but avoiding the question in his eyes. I leave him with Bella, who I've noticed seems to be the only girl not interested in a piece of my best friend. She's safe. That thought freaks me out a little so I hurry faster, trying to outrun whatever my subconscious is aiming to tell me.
When I get to the locker-room I'm stopped by Mike's voice, loud and obnoxious in the echoey space.
"I don't get what Bella sees in him," he snorts, "I mean he acts so fucking superior all the time."
I know without doubt that he's talking about me. I didn't realise Bella had feelings for me that way. Shit. I don't know what to do with that information. I'm about to walk round the corner when Tyler speaks.
"She doesn't seem to be getting anywhere," he says quietly and Mike snorts again.
"Probably 'cos Cullen is fucking that scarred freak he's towing around with him. Only boyfriend he could get." There's laughter and my ears are ringing. "I feel sorry for the freak to be honest but if I looked like that I suppose I'd take it wherever I could get it too." More laughter and there are black spots swimming in front of my eyes. My body has tensed in anticipation of beating Mike until he can't speak anymore. All I can think is fucking destroy.
There's a hand gripping my shoulder, turning me around and Jasper is there, shaking his head at me, bringing me out of my rage-haze. I tilt my head, silently asking how he knew, and he shrugs, silently telling me he just did. It's always been this way with Jasper. It's like he knows what I'm feeling before I do. He guides me out of the locker-room and sits with me in the corridor until I've calmed down. I know he heard their accusations but I don't say anything and he doesn't either.
OoOoOoOo
I fucking hate Alice Brandon. It's odd because, although she's never gone out of her way to be nice to me, she's never been mean to me either and I always quite liked the bubbly little thing. Now she's sitting across from me, half in the chair, half in Jasper's lap, laughing and touching him and I want to tear her throat out and drink her blood. I'm so furious I can feel it rushing under my skin.
She laughs again and traces one of the bite-marks on his face. I watch him freeze out of the corner of my eye and I reach across and grab Bella's hand to stop myself from slapping Alice to the floor for daring to make Jasper uncomfortable. I don't understand why he's sitting there, just letting her when it clearly makes him unhappy and I can't look at them anymore so I look over at Bella whose smiling at me so brightly and I can't figure out why she's glowing so much, then I see our joined hands. Fuck. But she's smiling and I smile back and, you know, she's kinda beautiful when she glows like she's lit from the inside.
Alice is laughing again and I turn my head to see her press a kiss against Jasper's ear and I can't take it. I shove my chair away and leave, ignoring him calling after me. I need to get out of this fucking cafeteria because sitting there watching Alice fucking Brandon paw the man I love is ripping me apart.
I stop suddenly and sit down hard. I love him. Fuck. I love him. Fuck, fuck I love him. I sit for a long time, trying to figure out when he stopped being my best friend and became the person I wanted and I just can't find the distinction.
"Edward?"
I look up and the three of them are standing over me, Bella looking worried, Alice confused and Jasper wearing a face I don't know how to interpret. Since when have I not been able to interpret Jasper? Alice is still touching him, her fingers wrapped around the belt-loop of his jeans, thumb stroking under his t-shirt. I stand up, ignoring them both and turn to Bella. She jumps, looking up at me with wide brown eyes.
"Bella." I make my voice low and I think she gasps a little. I sense Jasper shifting in my peripheral but I ignore him. "Would you like to go to dinner Friday night?"
She lights up like a Christmas tree, nodding enthusiastically, and I put my arm around her and lead her to her class, ignoring the tight band of tenderness around my torso.
OoOoOoOo
I'm in my room and Bella is on top of me, kissing my neck, her fingers ghosting under the collar of my shirt. We've been dating nearly five months now and I'm still not sure how dinner turned into boyfriend and girlfriend. Or how any of it turned into me lying on my bed on a Saturday night with sweet Bella moaning and rubbing herself against me.
She's been hinting at wanting more for a while now. I've managed to keep her to kissing so far, playing the gentleman card, but she's so determined and she told me something tonight that rent a hole in my soul.
She came up, all bouncy and kitten-cute, whispering at me about being ready to lose her virginity. I can't do that, it's wrong for both of us although she doesn't know that yet, so I said no and she pouted in that way she does and then dropped the bombshell.
"Come on Edward, Jasper and Alice have already done it."
That shit hurt. I already suspected as much, I've been careful not to show interest in Jasper's relationship with Alice Brandon in case he felt the need to share, but having it confirmed was more painful than I had anticipated. I didn't expect him to stay untouched just because I have a crush on him but I really really wish I didn't know.
I close my eyes against Bella's kisses, and the images of Alice undressing Jasper, and try to control the total devastation I'm feeling. I want to cry. Like a fucking girl, I want to curl up and weep. I want to smash things. Why should she get to touch him when I have to work so hard every damn day to make sure I stay on the right line of friendship?
I realise Bella has taken advantage of my distraction and unbuttoned my shirt, pushing it off my chest. I look up at her, those big brown eyes shining with lust, and I think maybe she can take away the hurt. So when she tries to pull my shirt off, I lean up and help her. She looks totally shocked for a moment then attacks my chest with gusto. I just lay there, letting her.
She's got her shirt off and my jeans unbuttoned, her hand boldly slipping under my boxers, when my bedroom door swings open to reveal Jasper in the doorway, holding up two dvd boxes.
"Hey E, which one…" He looks up, taking in the scene in front of him, and freezes. His eyes find mine and it takes all my willpower not to shrink back at the fury corrupting his face. Bella starts yelling at him to get out but he ignores her, eyes locked with mine, vibrating with rage. I don't know what to do so I do nothing.
Bella scrambles for her shirt and we both jump when Jasper retreats, slamming my bedroom door so hard the windowpane rattles in its frame.
"What the hell is his problem?" Bella is shaken, trying to button her shirt with trembling fingers. Truthfully, I'm trembling inside too but I lock that shit down and shrug a 'no idea' at her. I've never been afraid of Jasper. I don't think I can say that truthfully anymore.
We try to salvage the evening but Bella is perched on the edge of my bed, eyes flickering to the door every few seconds, and I've retreated deep into my head – my Emoward moments, Bella calls them.
"I'll take you home," I tell her at 10pm and she nods gratefully, grabbing her stuff faster than I've ever seen her move.
When I get back, the house is dark and quiet and I think Jasper has probably headed over to Alice's. It's not often I have the house to myself and it doesn't feel right. I go upstairs to my room and just lay in the dark, trying to figure out what the hell happened.
I've been lying here an hour , no closer to figuring out this fucking puzzle, when my bedroom door flies open again, slamming into the wall, making me jump like a fucking gazelle. Jasper is standing in the doorway, face dark with anger, wearing jeans and nothing else. Fuck. I try not to look but that shit is hard. He took to working out with me when he got out of the hospital and he looks good. He looks really fucking good. His scars glitter a little in the dim light cast from the hallway and, honestly, they make him look completely stunning.
"Yeah Edward, take a good fucking look," he jeers and I flinch. He's never used that tone with me before and it makes me want to punch him, and it makes me want to cry. "Take a real good look at the freak." He gestures to his torso and stalks into my room. I can tell by the lazy way his words fall that he's been drinking. That's not right. Jasper doesn't drink. Ever. Bad associations. But he's definitely been drinking.
"I want my dad's watch," he hisses at me, standing at the foot of my bed, eyes narrowed and fixed on my face. I'm not gonna deny it, I'm scared. I slide off the bed without a word and edge past him. He turns with me and follows me to the dresser. My hands shake under his relentless stare and I can't get my clammy fingers to grip the drawer I need. He hisses and reaches around me, yanking it out and dumping it on the floor. It clatters at my feet and my underwear spills out over the wooden floorboards. He towers over me as I bend down, fumbling through fabric until I find the silk scarf mama gave me to wrap the watch in. I stand and hand it to him, avoiding eye contact.
He's a foot away from me, chest heaving. He unwraps the watch and throws the scarf in my face. I don't react. I haven't met this furious Jasper before so I have to improvise, dropping my head and keeping my posture as submissive as possible. He stalks to the door and I don't move. He slams the door, even harder than before, and I start breathing but not for long because the door swings open and he's back again.
"So were you just gonna fuck that little slut with me in the house?" His voice is low and he's in my face, close enough that I can feel heat rolling from him, alcohol and rage combined. "I mean what the fuck Edward. Some little bitch sticks her hand down your pants and you're ready to roll over and play fucking dead? Are you that fucking hard up?"
I thought he liked Bella. I don't know where this is coming from but he's never been mad at me before and I can't breathe and I can't stop my eyes meeting his any more than I can hide the hurt in them. I'm actually going to cry.
"Aw, you gonna cry to your mama Edward," he sneers and I swear my heart is breaking, actually fracturing in my chest. I step back, turning away from him.
"Fuck you Jasper."
He hits my back and we sprawl to the floor, a heavy tangle of limbs. I hit hard and pain blooms in my legs, the air knocked straight out of my lungs. I'm gasping as he flips me onto my back and straddles my chest, holding my wrists down with one hand, the other yanking my hair. His eyes look black, like he isn't even there, and he's never laid a hand on me before and suddenly I'm not scared anymore. I'm sad. Sadder than I've ever been. I go completely limp under him. It doesn't matter what he does now. My whole body hurts inside and I just lie there, waiting for him to make his judgement.
I feel him lower his head and I just wait. His mouth is close to my ear, I can feel him breathing on my neck, and still I wait. I can feel tension shuddering his body as it lies on mine. Then he shifts and his very apparent erection presses against my thigh. My eyes open to find his just inches away. I can feel my whole world rocking unsteadily around me, pivoting on this one moment of eyes and bodies and anger. His face shifts and it's hurt and fear and loss that ripples his features. My body reacts immediately, pressing up against him to offer what comfort it can.
"I thought you were mine E," he whispers, his breath caressing my lips, "I thought I was yours." His eyes are brighter than I've ever seen them and my whole body is vibrating to the chord of his sadness. "I thought you loved me."
"I do love you Jas…" I manage before his mouth is on mine, scorchingly insistent. I kiss him back as best I can from my position pinned beneath his body, pressing my tongue against his mouth, nearly crying with joy when his lips part for me. My tongue presses into the dark damp of him and I groan as his presses back firmly, sliding into my mouth. His movements are needy and hard and I love that he's showing me how he feels in the best way he knows. I twist my wrists a little, trying to indicate I want to touch him, but he growls in my mouth and holds them tighter. He's asking me to give up control and I do. I give up to the only person in the world I trust unequivocally and allow myself to just feel.
I've been trying not to fantasise about Jasper and I'm glad I mostly succeeded because reality kicks my imagination's ass. I hear myself groan wantonly when he tears my shirt and sinks his teeth into the muscle that runs along the top of my shoulder. One hand still in my hair, tugging with just enough pressure to make my eyes roll back in my head, Jasper's hot mouth trails up my neck to my ear.
"Edward," he whispers against me and the dark tone makes me shiver, "You're mine."
I nod vigorously against his shoulder, my entire body alive in a way I've never experienced before. I'm trembling and sweating. I'm pretty sure the low moaning is coming from me but I can't be sure because all I can focus on is the spine-tingling places Jasper's body is pressed against mine and the way my skin feels like it's never been touched before.
"Edward," he repeats, his tongue hot against the rim of my ear. I shudder.
"Yours," I pant, eyes closed against the sheer bliss of him, "I'm yours."
His hand releases my hair and unbuttons my jeans in one swift move, shoving them down my thighs. I gasp at the feel of cool air on my skin then yelp when Jasper shoves his hand down my boxers, gripping me tightly. All the air leaves my lungs and I forget how to breathe.
"Is this what you wanted?" His voice is harsh against the mind-numbing pleasure of his hand on my cock, "Is this what you wanted her to do?"
I can't think around the friction of his palm firmly stroking me and I can't make my brain work enough to figure out what the correct response is so I drop my head back and focus on his touch and the way it reverberates through my entire body. I think I'm shivering.
"I don't want her touching you Edward," he hisses as his hand picks up speed and all I can do is nod and nod and nod, eyes tight closed, the sensuality of his touch and his mouth and his body heat crashing through my skin.
"You're fucking mine," he snarls in my ear and I let go of everything, body arching beneath him, skin singing for him. Pleasure so intense it hurts slams through me and I cry out as love and lust and want and need implode my senses. The world goes white and all I am aware of is this delicious hurricane racing through my muscles, my own moaning voice and the press of Jasper's skin on mine.
I break up with Bella on Monday.
OoOoOoOo
Bella looks up when I walk into the cafeteria and gives me a smile. I smile back but turn away quickly. She and Alice don't sit with us anymore but I have to pass her, looking blown apart, to reach the table I sit at with Jasper. I hate seeing her. I know that expression. I've worn that expression. It makes me feel like the biggest dick in the world that I didn't realise I was that person for her. If I had I swear I would never have let things become what they became.
Jasper looks up as I approach the table. He looks perfectly normal but I know better. He pushes out the chair next to him and I sit down. As soon as I'm sitting, his hand finds my thigh and slides high. I freeze.
"You were thinking about her," he says casually, without looking at me. I don't know how he knows but he always fucking knows. He can read me like no one else can. I love it and I hate it. There are no secrets from Jasper. I don't bother to deny it, there's no point. His hand slides higher and I work to keep my breathing even.
"You shouldn't be thinking of anyone but me," he says conversationally, massaging my groin with his fingertips. I bite my lip, trying desperately to hold in the moan that begs for release. I'm gripping the table, knuckles white.
"Eat your lunch Edward." His voice brokers no argument so I spend a half hour trying to choke down food whilst his hand continuously kneads my increasing hardness. At one point I look up, face flushed, body trembling, to find Angela Weber staring at us with wide eyes. I can't look away from her. Jasper increases the pressure of his hand and smirks at her challengingly. She flushes and drops her eyes and I suppress the urge to let my eyes roll back in my head.
When the bells rings, signalling the beginning of 5th period, Jasper stands up and I stay exactly where I am.
"Aren't you coming Edward?" His tone is mocking and I don't miss the double meaning in his words. I shake my head.
"I'll catch you up."
He walks away, dropping his arm easily around Alice's shoulders when they converge at the cafeteria entrance. Bella looks back at me once before slipping out after them.
I know the fact that he's still with Alice is a hypocrisy I should call him on but I don't know how. Whenever I decide to, he turns those eyes on me and I lose my nerve. I focus hard to decrease the bulge in my pants but I'm resigned to being late for 5th period.
Most of the time he's still my Jasper, who sits quietly with me and is my best friend. Sometimes though, more so recently, he's this other Jasper. The one with possession burning in his eyes; the one who teases me mercilessly and viciously. I don't understand when the shift happened. I was always the one who wanted to protect and take care of Jasper, that was my role in our friendship. Now I'm unsure.
It's not lost on me that he's still to let me touch him. I accommodate him because I want to make him comfortable with me. With us. Because I love him. It's not lost on me that he allows Alice to touch him. Every time he leaves with her I swear to myself that it's the last damn straw. And I mean it. Right up until he climbs into my bed at 3am, fresh from the shower, makes me moan with his touch and the sweet words he whispers against the shell of my ear and falls asleep with his arms and legs tightly caging me to him.
OoOoOoOo
It's two weeks until graduation and we're at Tyler's house party. The music's loud and the press of bodies is making me claustrophobic. There's a lot of drinking and it's that point of the night where people are pairing off. I say pairing off … Jessica Stanley is in Mike Newton's lap grinding like mad and all the corners of this dimly lit room seem to be filled with couples doing the same. I need to pee but I see Bella waiting in line and I just don't have the stamina for a run-in so I detour to the en-suite I know Tyler's parents have. As soon as I open the door I know I've made a mistake.
Alice is on her knees between Jasper's legs, his hand resting lightly on the back of her head. It's obvious what she's doing. I feel sick. He's looking at the wall, his face completely blank. I knew they were together in theory but I'd never been witness to the truth of it quite so brutally. There's a flare of pain in my stomach that rapidly radiates out and I feel my knees buckle. I back out before I collapse but not before Jasper's head turns to me. I don't wait to see his expression.
I run.
I see Bella's stricken face as I rush past her but I don't stop. I think I hear Jasper's voice but it only makes me run harder. Wind screams through my lungs and I slam through my front door like a wild animal. In my room I jam a chair under the door handle and stand in the dark. This pain is something primal and uncontrollable. I can feel it prowling through my blood, clawing away any sense of security or love I've ever felt from Jasper. I can't breathe. My lungs are being squeezed by the sudden weight of my aloneness. I drop to my knees, ready to tear my skin off to find relief, and stiffen, immobilized at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. Footsteps that slow on approach.
"Edward?"
I need to force myself not to throw up at the sound of that voice; that voice that I fucking love. That voice makes the pain growl under my skin and I have to tighten my arms around myself incase I split in two.
"E? Can we talk?"
I shake my head vehemently but he can't see. I stay silent. I can't speak to him, I can't. I can feel my insides threatening to splinter at the slightest pressure. I lower my forehead to the floor and stay there, focusing on keeping my lungs working. The door handle rattles and I cringe.
"E, please." The voice is pleading, laced with a pain too painful to listen to. I drag my broken body to the bed, pull down a pillow and hide beneath it, muffling any noise.
The next day I open the door cautiously and go see my dad.
"A deferment?" His eyes are wide with surprise but I am determined. "What does Jasper say?"
I fight the urge to yell that my whole life isn't dependent on Jasper. Mostly because I'm not sure that it would be a true statement. I take a deep breath, exhaling slowly.
"I haven't told him," I reply in a quiet voice, "I don't want to influence his choices. Just because I'm not ready for college yet doesn't mean he shouldn't be."
Dad nods understandingly and I call the admissions office. My deferment is approved.
OoOoOoOo
It's been a week and I've been studiously avoiding Jasper, rushing to school early to "finish last minute work", holing up in my room as soon the day is over and jamming a chair under my door handle every night. He's stopped trying to force me to talk to him. Instead he watches me with a cautious expression; the kind that you would wear when approaching a wounded animal, unsure if it will resort to flight or fight.
I couldn't get out of eating lunch in the cafeteria today, completely out of excuses, so when Jessica yells me over to the table I have no choice. I can feel Bella's eyes on me, and Alice's, but most of all I can feel Jasper's. I work to keep myself from sweating or running. I slide into the chair and Jessica immediately puts her hand on my arm.
"We were just talking about colleges," she gushes, leaning into me. I can see Bella's narrowed eyes in the corner of my vision. "When do you leave?"
I mumble and she tilts her head exaggeratedly in my direction, her pink-painted lips curved up in an over-enthusiastic smile. "Missed that Edward," she giggles. I'm pretty sure I hear Jasper hiss when she says my name and my body tenses involuntarily.
"I deferred for a year," I murmur a little louder, "Won't be going until next Fall."
"You what?" His voice is loud and he's leaning over the table toward me, his expression letting everyone know he's been completely blindsided. I avoid his eyes, feeling sick.
"What the fuck Edward?"
Alice has her hand on his chest, trying to get him to calm down, and Tyler is telling him to chill but he only has eyes for me and I can feel his entire being straining towards me. I feel trapped, my breathing quickly moving into panic attack territory but a cool hand on my arm snaps my head up.
Bella is looking at me, understanding shining in her brown eyes. She tilts her head to the door and tugs my hand gently.
"Want to go for a walk Edward?"
I allow her to pull me up and out of the cafeteria, across the parking lot and into the woods that surround the school. After a few minutes of walking she lets go of my fingers and sits on a rock, patting the place next to her when I hesitate.
"So," she says casually, "You love Jasper." It's not a question. I cringe. Her hand finds the back of my neck and her fingers rub the skin there softly. It takes a few minutes but the simple gesture helps me release the tension humming in my bones. I bow my head, leaning into her hand, letting her slide her fingers into my hair and rub my scalp.
"I'm sorry Edward." Her voice is low and even and I don't realise I'm crying until she pulls me to her, whispering gentle affection in my ear. The want and denial and hurt comes pouring out of me in a rush of sobbing and hot tears and all the while Bella simply holds me. I realise she's doing what Jasper should be and it makes me cry harder. When I'm done she drives me home.
We pull into my driveway and Bella lays a hand on mine as I turn to open the door. I turn back and her wistful expression makes my heart hurt.
"Edward, you're an incredible person," she breathes, "but sometimes, no matter how much you want it, love just isn't enough." She brushes her lips against my cheekbone and releases my hand. I want to apologise for the wrong I did her but I have a feeling it isn't what she's looking for.
OoOoOoOo
It's the night of graduation and I'm hiding in my room. This last week has been a lesson in just how many levels of pain the human experience carries. Jasper hasn't been home much but, when he has been, he's made his disapproval known through glares and slamming doors. Graduation itself was a fresh hell. I barely remember any of it, so intent was I on keeping myself upright. No matter how much I evaded him, I could feel Jasper's fury directed at me wherever I was in the auditorium. I could feel his eyes boring into me throughout the ceremony. I almost stumbled under the intensity of him when I collected my diploma.
Mama and Dad have gone on a three-day break on the East Coast. I told them I was having a party and they agreed to clear out – in reality I just didn't want their questions when I came home straight after graduation and holed up in my room like I've been doing the past two weeks.
I've been lying on my bed for a couple of hours, still wearing my shirt, tie and dress trousers, staring at the ceiling and forcing my brain not to think about Jasper and where he was and what he was doing with Alice at this very minute. My stomach turns at the thought and I force it away by playing Beethoven in my head. Everything is so fucked up and I hate it. I hate loving him and I hate that I have to hate loving him and I hate myself for being so pathetic I can't even be in the same room as him without feeling like I'm about to bend under the siren song of him.
I must have dozed off because a dull thump yanks me back to awareness. My neck hurts from the angle I've been sleeping at and my arm is dead from being curled under me. There's a scrape and I turn my head slightly to see a torso pulling itself in my window. I should be afraid, I know this, but all I can do is watch with a sort of detached interest as the figure pulls itself onto its feet and steps into the pool of moonlight spilling in my now-open window.
The sight of blonde curls make my heart race and my body, still drunk with sleep, lurches to the left, away from the window and toward the door. I can feel panic screaming up my spine.
"Wait, please."
That tone. That broken, pleading tone turns my bones to marble in my skin. I can't move away from him, not when he's imploring me to stay. I look at him for the first time in weeks and my heart stops at the sight. Still ethereally beautiful, the grief etched on his face lends it a quality that my sorrowful heart drags me toward. Before I know it I'm standing toe-to-toe with the person I've been avoiding.
"Jasper?" My voice is strangled as I reach for him, my fingers stilling a few centimetres from his skin. His distress is killing me. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
His eyes meet mine and I can't breathe. He lurches forward, his fingers digging into the flesh of my upper arms, his body collapsing against me. My arms encircle him automatically, holding him up. Without thinking, I'm stroking his hair and shushing him gently.
"Oh God, E," he sobs against me, clinging at my shirt, "Please, please don't leave me."
I'm frozen to the spot, unable to process what's happening.
"Jasper," I say, trying to untangle myself but he sobs louder and clings tighter, "Has something happened between you and Alice?"
He rears back, fury evident across his tear-streaked face. I try to pull away but he won't let go, his fingers tearing the fabric of my shirt. "Fuck Alice," he hisses, pitching forward into me.
His tongue is in my mouth and his hands are pulling at my clothes, a desperation I've never felt from him before crashing against my skin. I know I should push him away, I know I shouldn't let this happen, but my body is on fire for him. I've missed his touch in a way there isn't words for.
I go down easily under him, letting him pull and tug and yank at me. My shirt is off and his mouth is hot on my collarbone, his fingertips ghosting under my trousers as I moan against his neck.
"Touch me E," he whispers, his eyes finding mine in the dark. My chest is heaving and I'm staring at him, not sure. "Please," he begs me and I let go. We wrestle each other out of our clothes until we're naked except for our underwear.
I gasp as he stretches on top of me, expanse of warm skin against mine. My brain is in overload and I'm shaking with need and fear. I've wanted him so long, been denied so long…
"I want you to mark me, E," Jasper sits up on my thighs and I gaze up at his incredible features, my body aching for him but my mind confused. My face must give away my confusion because he stands up and walks to my desk, coming back with something I can't identify in the dim light. He offers it to me and I see it's a pen. I look back at him, still confused.
I watch, my heart racing, as he shimmies out of his boxers then climbs back onto the bed. I'm scared to look away from his face so I lock my eyes on his. He smiles down at me, his expression so tender tears spring to my eyes.
"E, I want you to mark me." He lowers his head and lets his tongue trace my lips. "Make me yours."
He rolls over, pulling me on top of him. His cock presses against mine and I let my head fall back as I try to control the urge to give into my body's desire to grind against him. His hand on my chest brings me back to him. He gently prises the pen from my hand and, uncapping it, leans up until we're chest to chest. He stares at me before moving close. I jerk as I feel the tip of the pen scratching softly across the skin under my collarbone. When he's done I look down and, after a minute, make out his name. He hands me the pen again.
Hesitantly I press him down on the mattress and let my eyes rake the breadth of skin on offer to me. Jasper looks up at me, complete trust on his face, and everything but my love for him melts away. I shiver at the gasp Jasper lets out when the tip of the pen touches the dip between his hipbone and his groin. Carefully I print an elegant calligraphic E on the spot I've chosen. This is the only time I've been grateful for the calligraphy class mama insisted I took. I admire my handiwork.
I smile at Jasper but start at the desire evident on his face. He bucks against me and the sensation goosebumps every inch of skin on my body. Then I'm on my back and his hands are pulling my boxers.
"Please," he whispers and I nod, lifting my hips to allow him to slide them off. The feel of him completely naked against me is too much to bear. I squeeze my eyes tightly closed but it doesn't stop the tears. I feel Jasper's tongue on my cheekbone, collecting the wetness like a treasure.
"I'm sorry," he whispers against my face, hips grinding slowly against me, "I'm so fucking sorry. Please don't leave me. I can't stand the thought of you leaving me E, I need you."
My heart sings at his words and my blood heats my skin at his movements. I can't think through the pleasure he's offering and I give in completely, clutching him to me as we move together. Our cocks brushing together, trapped between our bodies, makes my toes curl and my chest make noises I've never heard before. It feels like Jasper is purring against my neck.
"Fuck." His voice is rough against my skin and I shiver. "I love you."
I gasp, I can't help it, and he moves more insistently. The sensation is like nothing I've ever experienced and my legs wrap around him involuntarily, pressing our bodies closer together, making our movements firmer. Jasper is gasping against me, growling and moaning, and the lust and love that shudders down my spine makes me sob against his shoulder. Everything I've ever wanted is between my thighs, sliding so beautifully against me, and it's too much. Everything is too much. I try to shut down but he won't let me.
"Edward," he moans in my ear, fingers sliding into my hair, tugging in a way that makes me grind up on him harder, "Stay with me." His hands on me, his skin, his hot breath, all make my movements frantic. Jasper matches me, hand in my hair and against the base of my back, and we push and push and push until we explode together in a tangle of moans and colour and sensation.
I lie, completely still, as Jasper disentangles himself and fetches his shirt, cleaning us both gently. He gathers my exhausted limbs against him and pulls us under the duvet. I fall asleep in his arms, lured into unconsciousness by his gentle fingers in my hair and his sweet lips against my ear.
OoOoOoOo
I wake up, early and alone. I get up and make my way slowly through the house. Part of my brain is thinking maybe he's making food but the foreboding that tightens my stomach tells me different.
He doesn't come back until almost 3pm. He stops in the doorway and I turn to him slowly. He won't meet my eye and my entire body trembles despite my attempts to keep it under control. I can see his fingers worrying at his hipbone and I know he's thinking of the spot I claimed only hours before. Dread makes my limbs heavy. We don't speak.
The doorbell knocks us out of our silent war and I slip past him to open it. Alice Brandon is standing on my doorstep, smiling sunshine at me.
"Hey Edward," she trills, grinning her easy grin, "I'm here to pick up Jasper?"
I look past her, to her car, and even from here I can see bags in the back seat. I feel Jasper come up behind us but I'm too afraid to turn, too afraid of what I'll see. He shuffles uncomfortably.
"You ready to go sweetie?" Alice asks, eyes twinkling at him over my shoulder.
"Uh, yeah, one minute." His voice is low, strained and I watch Alice retreat to her car. I can't turn round. I won't.
"So, uh, Alice wants to road trip before college." I can't see him but I know he's rubbing the back of his neck and not looking at me. "Up the West Coast some. She asked me to go and I thought it'd be a good way to spend the summer."
I say nothing because what is there to say? He moves past me and I cringe away from his body. The sight of a duffle bag in his hands inexplicably makes me want to cry. He stops on the doorstep and half turns to me. His profile might be the most poignantly beautiful thing I'll ever know. I close the door before he speaks.
He's leaving me.
Again.
Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. If you feel like leaving me your thoughts, I'd appreciate that too *hint hint*.
I couldn't finish this story the way I wanted because of entry length restrictions so there'll probably be another chapter posted after the LoveLikeFire contest has finished. Keep an eye out if you want to know what happens to the boys.
The title of this story is a lyric from my song prompt (The Cave by Mumford and Sons) partly because it was perfect and partly because I suck at titles.