the words they thought were harmless? weren't

summary: he was about to call out to her, when he saw her take a deep breath, and her right foot crept closer and closer to the Empty space that lay after the building. it was at the moment, fear gripped his heart as he knew what she was about to do. she was going to Jump. "maya!" he shouted

rating: T

tw: self harm, depression, suicide attempt

her petite frame was silhouetted by the moon, her feet were perched on the edge of the building and her azure eyes stared, unseeing. she had shed her navy blazer a mere three minutes previously. her cream silk tank top glimmered in the light of the stars that illuminated the rest of the world around her. her bare toes curled in the breeze, black pumps long forgotten. her eyes were dry, but her body was heaving with sobs as what she was about to do solidified in her mind.

their words echoed in her mind. mr. matthews, billy, missy, farkle, riley, lucas, her father, everyone… she needed the words to stop, so no more Scars would be added to her porcelain skin.

this was the Only way out.

lucas took a sip of his beer as he scanned the room for his blonde friend. he loosened his tie as he let his feet carry him from person to person. he chatted aimlessly, his eyes drifting around the room, brightening every time he saw blonde curls, and falling when he realized they weren't maya's. he had come with her to the event that night, but she had separated from him twenty minutes ago with the excuse of needing the bathroom. she hadn't come back yet, and lucas was starting to worry. she had seemed off, Lost in thought, determination on her face as she stared off into the distance. he had noticed a change in her starting back in eighth grade, but with everything going on, it was pushed to the back of his mind. now it was the only thing he could think about.

"excuse me," he mumbled as he stepped away from the group of people he was talking to. setting his beer down on the table, he made his way out of the room, intent on finding that blonde beauty of his. he searched every room he passed, but none held the blonde bombshell. sighing, he was about to give up when he spotted a door that was labeled Roof Access. knowing maya's biggest inspiration was the night sky, he flung open the door and began to climb the stairs, hoping maya would be sitting watching the stars. He unhinged the door at the top of the stairs, then stepped out onto the roof. he turned in a circle, eyes attentive, searching for the girl he called his best friend. he spotted her perched on the Edge of the roof, barefoot and without her blazer.

he was about to call out to her, when he saw her take a deep breath, and her right foot crept closer and closer to the Empty space that lay after the building.

it was at the moment, fear gripped his heart as he knew what she was about to do. she was going to Jump.

"maya!" he shouted, startling her out of her thoughts. he watched her stumble, and his breath caught in his throat as she began to pitch forwards. she flung her arms out, grabbing the light pole to her left and turned around to face him, Pain etched onto her angelic face. he ran towards her, and reached out to pull her into a hug, but she backed away from him, and she was standing on the edge again.

"maya," his voice cracked as he let his arms drop to his sides. "why?"

maya shook her head as she held her ground. "i can't do this anymore, lucas."

"do what?" he pleaded, wanting to know what was wrong with his best friend. he wanted to help her, but if she wouldn't tell him what was wrong, he couldn't.

"Live," was the only word that spilled from her mouth.

"but why? what happened?"

"everyone happened. everyone's words that they carelessly threw around. the ones they didn't think would Hurt, but did."

"who-?"

"you and riley and farkle and billy and missy and my dad and mr. matthews and josh and caty and peyton and jacob and elizabeth and Everyone."

lucas was startled by the list of names, and stumbled backwards when he realized how bitterly she shouted, Spat, those names out. "what did- what did i say?"

"it was the little things that all of you said, all starting in middle school. they're still in my mind after all this time."

"who- who was first? why didn't you tell us?" he all but shouted his last question.

"billy was first. after he went after farkle, but before we confronted him, he came after me. i never told you guys. farkle was more important, and he always will be. we weren't super close at that point, and riley… she's too innocent to hear what billy said. then he stopped for a bit," she sighed, resting against the light pole.

lucas tentatively scooched closer to the blonde. "what did the rest of us do?" he asked, not wanting to push the billy situation, because if the look on her face was anything to go by, it would not be a good idea.

"missy was a backstabbing bitch. we were friends for years, but no one, not even riley knew. we acted like we hated each other at school. someone caught us Together… they threatened to spread our secret, so we stopped talking for a while. then she turned on me and spread some of my secrets the summer after freshman year. by that point, billy and i were friends, so he helped me make sure people would keep quiet."

everything lucas heard was a surprise to him. he didn't know about missy… that's why she was heartbroken the beginning of that year… she told them it had to do with the boy they had thought she had been dating, but it actually was missy who broke her heart…

"and then farkle," maya wiped a lone tear away. "he's always been sweet, but suddenly he found his voice, and it was to advocate for riley after texas." she paused, taking a deep breath, because texas was still kind of a sensitive subject., even after about eight years. "i heard what he said. i know he never meant for me to hear what he told riley outside of topanga's. but i did. i never told him. i don't want him to feel bad. he loves riley, and he was doing what he thought was right. i guess it didn't cross his mind to think about my feelings. he wouldn't be the first one. he was one of the only people i thought would think about me, who loved me as much as riley, no matter how. but riley always comes first, to everyone. i learned that quickly enough. i just thought… that maybe he'd be one of the only people to consider how i feel. i love him- he's like my brother, but i don't know if i'll be able to ever fully Trust him again."

lucas scooched closer to his best friend, but didn't pull her into a hug when he saw her eyes filled with hesitation.

"riley… she's my sister, and she knows my deepest secrets. that means she can hurt me the most. she didn't know that what she said was hurtful, but it was. 'i think too much and you don't think at all,' and 'you're a Bully,' and when she told my feelings when we were in texas. she doesn't realize what her words do, because she's cory and topanga's daughter for gods' sakes and she views the world through rose tinted glasses. she thought she was helping, just stating a fact. but those words Carved themselves into my mind."

lucas turned his head to stare into her azure eyes that were staring of into the distance as she recounted her memories to him. he wasn't sure why she felt like she could trust him with all this, but he was thankful. she was so important to him, and he would do anything to keep her by his side.

"mr. matthews was like my dad for a long time, until shawn came into the picture. riley and i shared mr. matthews, and he was there for me during the hardest times in my life, like during the forgiveness project. but he has said things as well. like when he said 'don't use big words correctly. it's not who ya are.' it's like he didn't think i could be Smart, like i didn't have the capacity to use words longer than two or three syllables correctly. it hurt. he didn't know that i liked to write songs and poetry, as well as draw. no one knew," she paused, sniffling.

lucas gently reached his hand out, and wiped the tears away from the beautiful eyes he loved so much.

"my dad. everyone knows that. i Hated myself for the longest time because i thought it was my fault he left. and then i realized it wasn't, and i was better until high school when people found out about him and the words from everyone else came. zay took care of them when he found out. we never told you, because we knew texas lucas would come back, and we couldn't risk you getting Expelled," she added on when she saw his questioning face.

the sound of cars were getting quieter as the world became the two friends, the outside world seemingly another world away.

"and then there's josh," she laughed bitterly. "i'm over him now, and have been for awhile, and we're friends now, but still. he pushed me away when we were younger,and i understand why. part of it was the age difference, but also he thought that i was a baby, i couldn't have feelings like that, i didn't know what i was feeling. he wouldn't let himself see more than the mask i put on. it hurt, because he's a matthews. he's supposed to see the best in everyone, and he couldn't do that with me. i thought it was because i was too Broken, that i had nothing good to offer. i know better know," she cut lucas off. "but at that point in my life, i didn't. everything felt like my fault."

"what about-" lucas swallowed. "what about me?"

"i pushed you away in the beginning. mr. Perfect shouldn't be talking to anyone as Broken as me. riley was the only one who bridged the gap between us. without her, i probably would've never talked to you. it was only later, when we became friends, and the yearbook came out. riley, farkle and i all changed more than any of us would let on to you, our parents, or our classmates. you were our friend at that point, but still, sometimes, we'd hang out as a trio, just like we had before you came. we just wanted something normal that would remind us of when we were little and there was nothing to worry about, and it was just us against the world," she assured lucas that it wasn't because they didn't like him. they just needed to remember what it was like when they were little. "and i was riley then. and you came in all annoyed at us because none of us were 'ourselves,' except that we were, kind of. we were a hidden part of ourselves. and you said to me, as riley: 'i mean okay, not a great life; your family life could be, you know, better.' and i know what you meant, but it hurt because i let you in. you were one of the only males, one of the only people who i trusted at that point, and it fucking Hurt."

lucas' hand clenched at the pain that tainted her usually harmonic voice. he hated himself for being one of the people who had pushed her this far into her dungeon of sadness.

"the words have been Plaguing me since then. i can't make them stop." she placed her arm in lucas' hand, and let him trace over the scars that Marred her otherwise smooth skin. "that's why i'm going to do this, lucas," she pulled her arm away from him. "you can't stop me, but at least now you'll know why. goodbye, lucas," she stood up, and went to stand on the ledge again.

lucas' heart pounded as he lunged to grab her arm. he couldn't lose her. she was too important to him. "maya, please. i can't lose you. i Love you too much to let you do this, especially with me right here. don't do this, please. i know we messed up, but riley and farkle and the matthews, especially topanga because she absolutely loves you because you remind her of her, and your mom and shawn are here for you. i'm here for you. think about your Mom and Shawn, at least," he pleaded, yanking her into his body. he brought his head to a rest in the crook of her neck and inhaled the fresh scent of her apple shampoo. he held her close to him, hoping to show her how important and loved she was. he was surprised when her arms wrapped around him and she didn't make a move to leave.

"okay," came her faint voice as they stood there, the wind gently blowing leaves across the roof top. "i believe you, lucas. i'll Stay."

his face broke into a smile as he pulled his head up and looked her straight in the eyes.

"but," she interrupted the moment.

"what?"

"you said you Love me."

"i do," he murmured, not letting their gaze break. "i love you so much, Maya."

he watched her analyze him, knowing she was trying to figure out if he was telling the truth. she smiled as she came to the conclusion, that no, he was not lying and that he really did love her.

"i love you too, Lucas," she replied softly. then she pulled him down to her level, and kissed him.

they were twenty two and twenty three respectively when they first kissed up on the rooftop the night maya planned to take her Life. they were twenty three and twenty four when they moved in together. they were twenty five and twenty six when they got married, and twenty nine and thirty when their First child was born.

maya knew her life would never be perfect, but she had come to Accept it. she still heard the words in her Memories sometimes, but now she had people by her side, and she could get help if she needed it. she was Happy with her life now, for the first time in a long time. the last time she had been this happy, besides those big days with lucas, was when her mom and shawn got married because she finally had someone she could call Dad that wouldn't leave her, that Understood what it was like to have a childhood like hers.

maya penelope friar née hart was Happy. and she owed it all to lucas for that one night on the roof.

an: okay, so this isn't my best writing, but I wanted to write it to show how words that people don't deem hurtful, can be to the one receiving them, and maya was a perfect example. that's the most important part of this story. I know this isn't the best and most accurate representation at an attempt, but I wanted the focus to be on the fact that words can be hurtful, even if they don't seem like it at the moment. (inspired by Boxed In, by Shaye1106)

I only capitalized certain words for a reason- it's all stylistic.

my other stories will be updated as soon as I can. I'm busy studying for finals, but after that, I will have a couple weeks to work on my stories.

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~livingthelucayalife