The city that never stops, had stopped.
The Pork Futures Warehouse tinkled gently in the early morning sir.
C.M.O.T Dibbler was silent for the day. There wasn't even a "Buggrit" from Foul Ole Ron.
No distant sound of merchants hawking their wares and the inevitable fight that would break out after. Not a sign of an explosion from the Alchemists.
Even the air felt like it was holding its breath.
Everyone agreed on one thing though. Ankh-Morpork was different today.
Carriages had been steadily arriving in the city for days, disgorging person after person. The list was a who's who of who.
*Miss Felicity Beedle had come and brought Tears of the Mushroom with her
*Lady Margolotta came, accompanied by the men Vimes had coined Colonesque and Nobbsesque
*Rhys, The Low King and his Contingent.
*The Diamond King and his Contingent
*The Klatchian Ambassador and his aide, envoy to Prince Cadram, who the last time had been near Vimes had had a bow in his face
*The Borogravian Ambassador
* The Zlobenian Ambassador
*The Monstrous Regiment
*Gastric Sillitoe and his wife
City and Guild leaders had prepared for today. They had to be there.
Vetinari stood in his office watching the streets fill. Even with the crowds of people, the city was silent. He didn't like it. It usually meant the city was up to something.
Carrot stood behind him, straight and stoic as always.
"It seems the city doesn't know what to do without him."
Vetinari turned and noticed with disguised humour that Captain Carrot had picked up the Vimes habit of staring at a point approximately 3 inches left of his shoulder.
"Indeed Captain. It is rather strange isn't it? The effect he has."
Silence fell.
"If there's nothing else sir, I must be going."
Vetinari waved him away. Carrot snapped a smart salute, spun on his heel and marched out.
Vetinari fingered the lilac in his hand.
Anguna was waiting outside.
"I don't like today. It's all wrong. It's got my hackles up."
Carrot simply nodded and they started proceeding to Scoone Avenue.
Colon and Nobby were already there, watching the gathering crowd.
They both stared intently at a knot of people who kept regrouping, acting shifty, then melting away into the crowd before once again regrouping.
Fred nodded and Nobby used his infamous sidle to find out what was going on. Carrot and Anguna had reached Fred when Nobby reappeared, solemn faced. He wordlessly handed over a sprig of lilac. They all nodded at the group nervously watching them.
It was astonishing.
Trolls, dwarves, vampires, gnomes, zombies and every other species in Ankh-Morpork, possibly the Disc, where lining the streets, patiently and silently waiting.
A dwarf bumped into a troll and everyone held their breath.
A brief flash of anger flitted across both faces, but gone almost as soon as it appeared. To everyone's shock they shook hands.
"Just today alright?"
"Today. Yeah."
The Watch Houses were spotless and closed. All officers were either at Scoone Avenue or lining the route.
Detritus, Cheery and Igor where in the Yellow Sitting Room with Lady Sybil, Young Sam and a bevy of interchangeable Emma's. They heard a distant knock on a distant door and Wilikins went to answer. He returned with Fred, Nobby, Carrot and Anguna. Cheery looked at the clock. Almost 10.
She laid a hand on Lady Sybils arm.
"It's almost time."
Sybil nodded and nearly suffocated herself taking a very deep breath. She descended upon Young Sam and did whatever it was mothers did to their sons before an important event.
The clocks around the city began 10 o'clock. When the Assassins Guilds bell started, Lady Sybil nodded.
It struck again and Young Sam offered his mother his arm. By the last toll of 10 they were in the carriage that had been waiting outside.
Wilikins waited by the door.
"Ready Milady?"
Sybil simply stared ahead, so Young Sam nodded and helped her in.
Wilikins closed the door and took his seat at the reins. He allowed himself a small smile as he remembered the trip with the 'Wizard Assisted' carriages.
He straightened his face and checked around him.
The guards had the other coach covered, with Detritus pulling it rather than horses. They signalled they were ready. Wilikins flicked the reins.
It began.
Not even 10 feet down the road, it started becoming difficult to move. The ground was becoming carpeted in cigars and oddly, cardboard.
A flash of purple caught Anguna's eye and she spun ready to pounce. She almost stopped in the middle of the street. People had changed what they were throwing. Now they were throwing the Lilac.
It caught on and eventually the procession was on a thick carpet of lilac, heading towards the Unseen University.
A noise like an elephant blowing its trumpet startled the crowd.
Thieves tipped their hats, seamstresses saluted, Assassins lined the rooves.
The procession wound on.
The guards heard snatches of conversation.
"So hard to believe." "I mean it was only last week." "Never thought that'd be that. All normal and like."
Last week
Commander of the City Watch, Sir Samuel Vimes was strolling after Done-It-Duncan, the worst thief in the city, possibly the Disc. The Thieves Guild didn't even bother with him. Mostly.
"Come on Done-It. We know it was you so stop prancing about and off to Treacle Mine Road with you."
"Oh yes sir! That's where I'm headed. Just figured I'd keep you company what with us both going the same way and all. Got a few things to say to."
"Let me guess... You're Chrysophase?"
"HaHa! You got me there Mr. Vimes! How'd you know?"
"Vimes secret," he said tapping his nose.
"You're good exercise you are Done-It. Lady Sybil will thank you."
"Happy to help keep the lady happy Mr. Vimes. How about that Young Sam of yours?"
Pride swelled Vimes chest.
"Young Sam is... Better than I could ever be."
"Reckon he'd make one hell of a copper, he would sir."
Vimes faltered for a step then carried on.
"He could be but he's got other plans."
They carried on in this manner all the way to the Watch House.
"All right Sarge," Duncan greeted Colon, "here, can I have Number 3 please? It's cozy."
Colon threw him a key.
"Just remember to give that to whosevers on duty."
"Right you are Sarge," and he ambled off to the cells.
"Morning Sir."
"Morning Fred. I'll be in my office."
"Right you are."
Vimes trudged upstairs and closed his door behind him. He sat and listened for 30 seconds. Satisfied no one was coming, he clutched his chest. It felt like Detritus had sat on it.
It passed. Eventually.
The floor board creaked.
"Come in Carrot."
It continuously amazed him that none of his men had figured out his trick. It amazed them that he always knew who it was.
Ramrod straight, Carrot marched in and stood front and centre.
"Sir. Todays report. Detritus resolved the issue with the Slab influx."
Vimes was loathe to ask but figured, Gods why not?
"How resolved?"
"Well the lads will be alright once they get the equipment removed. Oh, and the door is sawdust."
"Walls still standing?"
Carrot nodded.
"He didn't use Piecemaker. He knocked."
"Nicely resolved then."
Carrot carried on with his report, Vimes only half listening as it was the usual stuff that meant the city was ticking along as normal.
"Also, the Shades Killer has struck again."
"Again?! That's 4 now!"
A ringing started somewhere in the building but both men turned to look out the window.
Vimes was at the door seconds before Carrot. An officer required assistance.
Sam Vimes knew the Shades, they knew him. He knew the way the streets talked. He slipped down and alleyway and made a few more turns. Running. Carrot followed.
They came upon Cheery sat on the floor, with Detritus looming on the wall.
"What happened?" Vimes wheezed out.
Cheery relayed everything, including the fact that their killer, was an ex-assassin.
"How'd you know?"
"He left this on the latest victim."
Cheery produced a card.
"Alban Mercy."
"Oh Gods no! I know this one. The Assassins gave him the boot. He kills for fun, not money. No receipts, no style, and no black."
"No black?!"
"Nope. He hates it. Unfortunately, he's really good."
A shadow moved.
"Cheers Vimes. How nice."
He took off down the alley and Vimes gave chase. He heard the footsteps behind him.
Mercy took a left. Vimes chuckled, took a right and sped up. That feeling came back, except now it was a whole group of Trolls and they'd set fire to his arm for good measure.
He saw light and sped out into the weak sunlight of the Shades. He stopped in the middle of the road.
Mercy ran into him.
Vimes grabbed him and growled, "You're nicked."
He couldn't breathe. He handed Mercy over to Carrot. Cheery was just exiting the alley. Everything was swimming, becoming dull.
"Sir? You're a little grey. Are you okay?"
Vimes clutched his chest and dropped to his knees.
Cheery rushed to his side.
"Sir? Sir?! SIR!"
Present Day
"He got him though. Copper through and through." muttered Carrot.
They all nodded.
"We're here."
The Lilac had stopped, murmurs started and prayers to whichever God was listening.
The carriages pulled up outside the University's gates.
Lady Sybil stepped down with Young Sam.
Cheery, Detritus, Carrot, Anguna, Fred and Nobby stepped up to the other. They opened the door, ready to help Vimes out.
They each took a handle.
Vetinari offered his arm to Lady Sybil. They took place at the beginning of the procession.
"Watch. Proceed."
They walked in unison, proceeding as Vimes had taught them. The rest of the Watch and Sammies from across the Disc, lined the aisle of the Great Hall, providing his guard of honour.
They stepped inside.
Wizards were on one side, taking up a couple of rows. The rest was filled with an eclectic collection.
The people dozens of carriages had disgorged over the days were seated, the Diamond King twinkling softly in the light. Chrysophase. The head of every Guild in the city. High ranking Watchmen from across the Disc.
Everyone who's life had been touched, interfered with or had heaps of trouble descend upon them because of Sam Vimes was there.
Mrs. Palm sat with an egg on her lap, Doctor Lawn beside her with an eyepatch and an obscene looking two pronged something. Lilac dotted the room.
Even the weird monk who swept the floors was here, holding, oddly, a pair of worn out boots.
The Vimes escort walked slowly up the aisle. They placed him at the front and took up seats in the first row with Lady Sybil and Young Sam.
Vetinari stood in front of Vimes.
"We are here today, in front of His Grace, His Excellency, Duke of Ankh, Commander of the City Watch, Sir Samuel Vimes, to say goodbye."
He paused briefly and the silence was filled with a cough that sounded suspiciously like "blackboard monitor".
"We are here to say farewell to this cantankerous, obnoxious, surly, strong, unbendable, unbreakable, unbribeable man. I know that many of you here today, are here to make sure he isn't coming back."
This elicited a small smile out of Lady Sybil, and nods from many of the foreign ambassadors.
"Commander Vimes, at times, was less than hospitable to our foreign guests. Remember the Istanzian ambassador?"
Chuckles and sniggers floated about the room.
"Definitely less than proper when visiting."
He nodded to the Klatchian and Uberwald delegations.
"But without him, Klatch would be at war. So would Morogravia and Zlobenia. The truth of Koom Valley would still be lost. He took the Watch and turned it around, turning it into a beacon of justice. Who at various points have tried to arrest a dragon, myself and protected the city from people like Carcer. Vimes may have been intolerable but he was loyal and would fight for the truth. Stuff the Marquis of Fantailler as he would say."
"He was a devious bastard. But he was our devious bastard."
Miss Beedle stood.
"He helped free the Goblins from slavery."
Gastric and his wife stood.
"He saved me, my wife and my boat."
Jane Gordon next.
"Without him I would never have written my book."
Murmurs arose and "Vimes was a great man" was heard.
Lord Downey stood and the room fell silent.
"As has long been known, we removed Vimes from the register. Thanks to his knowledge, resources and deviousness, the house he lives in is an Assassins nightmare, fouling many a contract. I do believe that Miss Band sends students in need of an ego check, or if they have done something particularly wrong."
He turned to Lady Sybil.
"With permission I would like to continue to use the houses ingenious traps and such as training for students and graduates. I assure you no harm will come to your or your son without a contract. We would like to call it the Vimes Trial."
Sybil sniffed. She recognised this as the great honour for the man they couldn't inhume that it was. He had humiliated them by surviving, giving the gold to charities and leaving the young Assassins in 'potentially lethal' traps.
Lord Downey looked at her.
"Anyone who could succeed would be quite the Assassin indeed. Your husband presented us with... quite the challenge."
She smiled weakly. That was her Sam alright. She nodded to Lord Downey, who bowed.
Others stood and recounted tales of Sam Vimes.
Vetinari raised a hand.
"Commander Vimes will always be here, because as he proved, it is very difficult to get rid of him. He has survived dragons, assassins, werewolves, waterfalls and his own self."
"Farewell Commander Vimes. You live on in the Watch, in the Sammies and in Young Sam."
Lady Sybil stood and Young Sam took her arm, guiding her to Vetinari and Vimes. Mourners and guests filed past, some placing gifts inside the now open coffin. Some people had to see it to believe he wasn't coming back.
Wilikins placed Vimes razor in, knowing that Vimes would not let anyone else shave him. Lu Tze placed the worn out boots in. Mrs. Palm added an egg. Sandra placed a mushroom. Doctor Lawn placed the eye patch and instrument. (The one for the turkey.)
Miss Beedle and Tears of the Mushroom placed a beautiful goblin made vase in.
The Captain and his wife placed a small replica of the Fanny Adams.
The Uberwald contingent brought fat and silver moulded into a candle and knocked on the coffin to make sure he was staying put.
The Diamond King and The Low King brought a dual gift. An ornate thud board, with trolls in silver and dwarves in gems.
Colon placed a tea cup, Nobby a cigar. Carrot a toy dragon. Anguna a clacks flare. Vetinari a piece of plaster.
It continued for an hour. People bringing gifts or knocking to make sure he wasn't about to sit up and nick the lot of them.
Lady Sybil stood, silently crying. She'd always known and believed her Sam was a Good Man, irrelevant of what he though of himself.
The queue dwindled and faded. The last gift placed. Young Sam stepped up and closed the coffin with difficulty. When the lid clicked, Young Sam stroked the wood. He nodded. He could be moved.
Sam Vimes was going to the Smalls Gods cemetery to join the others there.
They'd made space.
They, they being the Watch, Young Sam, Lady Sybil, Vetinari and some of those from the day of the Lilac, listened to the priest drone on with the standard [insert god here] speech.
The earth was patted flat, tributes paid, people started to drift away.
The clocks of the city began their cacophony of midday.
People stopped and stared in fear, awe, curiosity.
Old Tom had rung. Instead of it intoning the time in resounding silence, it was ringing. Sharp and piercing.
Something shiny was on Vimes grave.
His badge.
It was supposed to be with Vimes.
Young Sam picked it up.
He held it close and he just knew. The city and the Watch needed a Sam Vimes. It didn't work without one.
Old Tom returned to its sonorous silence, as if all was now right with the Disc.
He looked at the Watch assembled around him. He had been told of the deep down dwarves and his guardian angels that night.
Something clicked in his brain and a thought whispered past.
~Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?~
Young Sam had inherited more than a name from his father.
The thought roared, so loud Young Sam thought that everyone had heard it.
~QUIS CUSTODIET IPSOS CUSTODES?!~
He looked at the grave, his mother, the assembled Watchmen.
He whispered,
"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?"
Anguna heard and looked at him. Lady Sybil heard too.
She turned to him.
"Who watches the watchmen?"
Sam Vimes gripped his badge tightly.
"I do."