A coward's way out or The five times Bernie Wolfe wasn't brave, and the one time she was.
1. In the army, Bernie Wolfe is respected because she is thought to be fearless. She has no qualms when it comes to running into enemy fire to save a man down. People believe that she would run to hell and back for one of her comrades. And they're right. She would. She doesn't care all that much about her personal well being. She has no hesitation in her when she is faced with danger of any sort. None at all.
Enemy fire, she can deal with. Injuries and lost souls, that's not a problem. Throw anything at her whilst she's in the desert, there's a good and solid chance she can cope with it. Chuck her in amongst the heat and the danger and the snap judgements in a life or death situation. That's how to get Berenice Griselda Wolfe in her element. Many would hazard to say that there is no one better, none more fearless, than her in such a moment.
By all means, Bernie can be classed as fearless, but she would never claim that it was something to be proud of. She may be rather fearless, but she's never been brave. At home, back across the seas, she has a young family. A son and a daughter, neither than whom are much bigger than babies. Small and delicate, creatures she learns every day how to love, because it just didn't come naturally. That frightens her. Their need for her, their reliance on her, isn't something she's capable of dealing with.
Back home she has a husband who loves her, who waits patiently for her to return to him and their children. Marcus loves her unconditionally, through her fuck ups and her absences and her inability to express emotions in the way she's always wanted to be able to. He loves her and he waits for her, thinking wistfully of the time when they'll be together again. After her next tour. He counts down the days, but she barely thinks of him. As the days count down, her skin crawls and it feels like she can't breathe.
In the desert she knows who she is, can think clearly through the giving of orders and the chaos of base camp. At home, amongst the children's toys and quiet domesticity of suburbia, she feels suffocated. She wonders, late at night when she's finally alone, whether or not she would still be considered fearless if her comrades knew. Knew that she was running from the quiet life she could have, that was always within her grasp.
She may be fearless in the desert when surrounded by chaos, but she's running from the life every woman is supposed to want. Fearless maybe, but brave, never.
2. When she's at home, between tours and feeling slightly redundant, she tends to think about the heavier things. She's at home with the family she loves, in her own little way, but she still longs to not be there. Being in a war zone is easier, which she supposes makes her really fucked up. There's something about the chaos that helps her know exactly who she is. Back here, in their nicely decorated house in the nicest part of the suburbs, she seems to lose all sense of self. And she hates it.
She pretends to be someone she's not, especially for the kids. They're old enough to notice now. Old enough to cry when she has to leave, and she's finally learnt for it to wrench her heart strings in the way she's been told it's supposed to. She pretends to not feel relief at the end of her leave, she'll miss the kids but she won't miss slowly suffocating.
It's awful, but she doesn't think she'll miss her husband in the slightest. Sometimes, he touches her and it makes her skin crawl. His fingers will brush against her arm in a loving gesture. Every time it happens, she has to stop herself from bristling. Has to will herself into not going to the nearest bathroom and scribbling her arm clean until it's red raw. It's ridiculous and she doesn't understand it. She loves him, in her own way, or surely she wouldn't have married him.
She can't quite say why he sometimes infuriates her so much. Doesn't quite understand why he sometimes leaves her wanting to pinch the bridge of her nose and count to ten. She doesn't understand the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach whenever they are intimate. She tries to ignore the way she catches her eyes lingering on women. It only happens occasionally, but maybe that's because she knows she keeps doing it. So she stops herself. Ignores the growing realisation in the back of her head.
Either way, at the end of her leave, she runs back to the army with open arms. She ignores the growing distaste she has for her husband, ignores the growing realisation in the back of her mind. Studiously ignores the way she just can't seem to control her eyes and the way they continue to stray to her female comrades. She ignores every sign and buries her head in the sand.
Roll up, roll up, and meet Berenice Griselda Wolfe, resident ostrich and coward supreme.
3. When she meets Alex, a fire unlike anything she has ever felt before is lit inside her. Still, she ignores what it means, ignores what she feels. At first, she tries to be brave and true and strong. She tries to forget about the way Alex's hands brushing along her arm in a friendly gesture makes her tremble. Tries to ignore the way her eyes look in the half light as sunset, warm and inviting and open. Tries to remember that she has a home and a family and a husband back across the seas. Even if they are a world a way.
For a time she succeeds. She ignores the tremble in her once steady hands, ignores the looks and the smiles and the reassurance. She pushes Alex away and keeps her at arm's length. She calls on her stoic British reserve and tries to pretend that she is unaffected. She tries so hard to be strong willed and not to cave and not to give herself what she truly wants for once. She thinks of her family, but they truly do seem to be a world away. She lives two lives, and they feel separate.
On a particularly trying day, after losing two soldiers not much older than her Cam, she caves. Her and Alex are alone, both a little broken, neither really knowing what to say. She remembers crying and Alex holding her and her arms encasing her made Bernie feel safer than Marcus' ever had. She remembers kissing her, tasting salt and uncertainty and fear of being caught. It hadn't stopped either of them though. Her first time with Alex is one of her fondest memories, because for the first time in her entire life, she'd allowed herself to just be. She'd trembled beneath Alex's questing fingertips and Alex had kissed away the noises she made beneath her.
It's not the affair or the caving to her wants that make Bernie a coward, not in the slightest. It's not the being untrue to her marriage or even the lying about it. It's not the way she thinks about Alex when Marcus touches her, when she's home for leave, even if she's not very proud of it. No, the thing that makes Bernie a coward, the thing she hates herself for, is what happens after her accident.
Her affair with Alex has a strong foundation, four and a half years and counting. Alex has never asked for anything. She's never tried to force her to leave her husband, she's never asked her to acknowledge her as anything more than a friend. She's just always been there, loving her and supporting her. Never asking for very much in return, other than Bernie's love. Still, when the accident happens, everything seems to change.
Marcus gives her an ultimatum, him or the army. Not that he knows it, but he's asking her to choose him over an entire life, over Alex. It should be an easy decision, she should file for divorce papers and be done with it. That's what her heart screams at her to do. She could get well and return to the army, to Alex, and not have to lie about who she is any longer.
She doesn't do that though. She smiles and tells the husband she's so done with that she's ready to give civilian life a real go. Once it would have been worth it for his smile. But she hates herself a little bit. All because she's not ready to accept who she is, even after all these years, she's taking the easy way out. She's being selfish either way, but she's actively choosing to break the heart of the woman she loves, all because she's a coward.
She's scared of what people would say, what people would think. Alex, who saved her life and her heart. Who taught her what it was to love and be loved properly, even if in secret. Brilliant Alex, whom she wants to run to with her entire being. She doesn't though. Her heads still buried in the sand, even after all these years. She's goes home with Marcus because it is easy and she knows how to do it. She calls Alex once and then ignored her texts and her emails, even through the shattering of both of their hearts.
She's a coward, and she knows it. She really wishes she'd had the courage to brave the storm though, just this once.
4. For the first time in her life Bernie finds the most unexpected of things. She finds friendship, embodied and personified in Serena Campbell. She's never had a real friend before, not in the way that her and Serena are friends. There have been people she's been friendly with, comrades and colleagues. People she's loved and respected, people she would lay her life down for in a second. Something about her friendship with Serena is different. She feels close to her, but it's more than that. She thinks it might be something to do with the openness and trust.
Civilian life isn't quite what she'd thought it would be, not now that's she's finally gotten around to the divorce. It wasn't bravery that had made her act, but fear. Alex had come back, even though she'd accepted that they were done, and she'd made her long for the fast pace of the army. She'd expected a slower pace, but she had never expected her farce of a marriage to be so hard to play along with. After all, she'd managed it for more than twenty five years. Surely it couldn't be that hard?
Still, she adjusts to civilian life, albeit rather slowly. Her and Serena grow closer as the weeks go by. There are glances and drinks and after work dinners. There are invitations to her house and hours early watching quiz shows with her and Jason. It's intimate and friendly and she's almost certain there's something more building. Bubbling away beneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to emerge.
Serena is straight, but she's still a notorious flirt. It makes Bernie's heart skip a beat, makes her mouth go dry and her palms itch. There are looks and smiles that linger between them, and Bernie knows what it all means. It terrifies her and exhilarates her all at once. She's good at breaking hearts, she doesn't think she'd survive doing that to Serena.
So she tries to stick to friends, reminds herself of the mess she'd made of the Alex/ Marcus situation. Tells herself that she doesn't want to ruin what's between her and Serena. And it works. Sort of. For a while. Then Fletch is attacked and she's damned near inconsolable. And there Serena is, with her kind eyes and her understanding. Somehow she consoles Bernie, and something between them seems to click into place. She just can't seem to stop herself, and Serena kisses her back. Serena kisses her with a need that matches Bernie's own.
She's still not brave though. They agree to confine it to theatre, so that's exactly what they do. They're friends outside of theatre and something altogether closer within. It is a balance that works for them, even if her heart still beats much faster than it ought to when Serena looks at her. Bernie's never seen her look at any one else like that. And it terrifies her.
Things continue on as they were, and if she doesn't feel brave, at least she feels in the right for once. Weeks pass, and Hansen offers her a three month secondment in the Ukraine. It's tempting, she'd be perfect for it. For all intents and purposes it's her dream job on paper. She shouldn't really hesitate, but she does because Ukraine doesn't have Serena.
It's only three months but that's a damned long time when she feels like a love sick teenager. Serena's face when she tells her is almost heartbroken. She's all but made up her mind to turn it down when Serena kisses her, and that almost certainly makes up her mind. She's all but resolved to turn down the secondment, but she figures she may as well leave it until the end of the day.
A date is planned for the evening, and her stomach is continually filled with butterflies. For hours, she feels as though she could fly. She really does feel like a teenager again. Until Serena all but tells her she's in love with her. She doesn't actually say the words, but Bernie still feels every wonderful feeling she's held on to all day sink down inside her. It holds her down, a lead weight that makes it exceedingly difficult to move.
That is, until she flies into a blind panic. She pulls a classic Bernie and does the one thing that she knows will break both of their hearts. She accepts the secondment and signs the paper work. She hates herself for it, but it's only to be expected. Bernie is thorough in her letting down of people, she always has been.
When she tells Serena, she watches the range of emotions play over her face. From surprise to disbelief to something much deeper. She can pinpoint the exact moment at which Serena's heart shatters, because hers does the same thing. Still, she remains steadfast. Even in the face of Serena's vulnerable desperation she doesn't cave.
She's still not a brave enough woman for that. She's not sure she deserves to be, not at this point in her life. By this point, she's decided that's she's not even fearless. How much love terrifies her proves that down to a t. She's a coward, through and through, but she's really starting to wish that she wasn't.
5. Bernie comes to feel, whilst away on her secondment, that the pinnacle of her cowardice is shown by her ignorance of everything back home. Through the months, she receives a number of emails and texts. Various people reach out to her, but she only very rarely responds. If it's professional, she can just about bring herself to answer it. If it borders on personal, she won't allow herself to answer.
She's not been gone very long at all when she receives her first email from Serena. It's personal and she aches to respond to it, even if all it tells her is that Serena is no longer angry with her. She types out a response, she gets that far at least. Her finger hovers over the send button for a few painstaking minutes, but she can never quite bring herself to press it.
She saves each and every email from the heart broken woman, because of course she does. She reads them all whenever she gets the chance, because what else could she possibly want to fill her spare time with? She torments herself by writing a multitude of replies, all of which she's never quite brave enough to send. Serena's the brave one of them, reaching out continually, even if all she receives in reply is radio silence.
Every message is savoured, though each and every one brings her pain, no matter how many times she reads them. Serena's not angry at her any more, which is no small matter. Jason's doing well, Cameron is due to start on AAU shortly after her return. She's not sure why Serena continues to email her. An outlet perhaps? Evidence of her forgiveness? Either way, Bernie finds herself extremely grateful for it.
She may never respond, but each and every message is memorised within minutes of it being sent. Serena sends her emails regularly, even as her home return date approaches. Minutes after her stepping off of her plane, she receives a text welcoming her home. She smiles to herself, even if she doesn't respond.
She's a coward, but she's starting to feel like she could be brave one day soon, if things go to plan. Or brave enough any way, too much of a good thing can never go very well.
1. On the evening of her return to England, after leaving the airport with no destination in mind, she somehow finds herself on Serena's doorstep. A pricey and poorly wrapped bottle of Shiraz in her hand, fingers flexing nervously at her side. Bernie finds that the last text she had received, a simple Welcome Home, had made her want to be brave.
If not for her own sake (though in truth it was partly for her own sake) then for Serena's. Serena deserved some one brave and brilliant and good. Whilst Bernie didn't think she was any of those things, Serena made her want to be. Which was something. She figured that a good place to start would be to end the radio silence. In person, as opposed to via a phone.
She waits for the door to open and finds that's she's more nervous than she's ever been before. It feels as though the next few moments will determine the rest of her life, because she's come to the conclusion that Serena is it for her. While that thought makes her want to run for the hills, she doesn't. She holds her ground, rooted to the spot and firm in her decision. She refuses to run from this brilliant woman ever again.
The door opens and there she is. A vision and more, stood gawping at the figure in her driveway. Disbelief is etched all over her face, but Bernie can see no traces of anger. Not yet anyway. She waves feebly and gestures to the wine in her hand. She knows Serena takes it as the peace offering it truly is.
She feels brave, standing in the driveway and not having run. But she's knows it's all an act unless she actually follows through. On the drive she'd prepared a huge speech, but she knows that's not what she's going to say. She just needs to get it out, because it's the truth and Serena needs to hear it.
The words 'I love you' are stuttered from her lips. It comes out awkwardly, but it sounds like a certainty, even to her own ears. Serena's face moves from disbelief to something else. It's something Bernie doesn't recognise, but it might just be bad, what with all she's put this woman through. Still, she resolves to be brave, so she stays put even as she shifts awkwardly from side to side.
Serena steps forward and her arms are raised and Bernie thinks 'oh god she's going to slap me'. Her eyes close and she prepares herself for the impact that's about to come. Except, it never does. Instead, she's drawn into a warm embrace and she can smell Serena's perfume and it's wonderful. Her arms wrap around the other woman, drawing them closer together. And if Alex's arms felt safe, Serena's arms feel like home.
Being brave after all this time, she thinks, is worth it. Even if she only gets this one embrace, being brave rather than taking the cowards way out, will be more than worth it.