Mystic: Oh, hey! There's other uses for the laptop besides nursing school pre-reqs! Groovy! Seriously, my brain is overflowing with Anatomy/Physiology.
The Lady Wore Yoga Pants
It was bad.
Really, really bad.
As in, 'if her father found out, he would strangle poor Reeve then spit on the grave' bad. Perhaps her mother (may the dear woman rest in peace) would return from the land of the dead just to put the ninja hurt on poor Reeve. (As if Yuffie got her kickass ninja skills from her father - heavens to Leviathan! NO.) Maybe it wasn't too late to rush out in the open air, open her eyes, and pretend several weeks ago in Costa del Sol didn't happen. Nope. All that grown-up behavior and being nipple-deep in jello shots with Reeve's beard didn't really happen.
And really, would it kill her to check the expiration dates on the condoms? Would it?
Yeah, because the next eighteen years of her life were about to be shot to shit. There were two little lines staring at her. Two scary little lines. Two scary little lines in her bathroom sink because she had been boinking around with the commissioner again - and forgot to check the condom date thanks to Leviathan-damned jello shots. Maybe it wasn't too late to blame Tifa. Stupid, creative, buxom bartender who played hide the beer bottle with Reno.
Yep, the apocalypse was upon all of Gaia.
Yuffie Kisaragi was all of knocked up.
And yet ...
Yet ...
Maybe it wouldn't be too bad.
She stepped away from the sink, walked out into the open air, and opened her eyes. A deep breath filled her lungs and a sense of well-trained calm filled what might be her soul. Yuffie once saved the world, so of course she had a soul, or conscious, or something philosophical like that. She didn't quite remember; community college was a long time ago. "Okay," she said to no one in particular. "I'll go down to headquarters, talk to Reeve, than talk to Doctor Luis. That's the adult thing to do."
Then the truly frightening thing hit her.
"No! I'll have to give up my lattes!"
*hurl* *hyuck* *hurl*
Reno did not like what he heard outside of Tifa's bathroom door. The extent of onomatopoeia made his inner English major cry. (Very few people knew that about Reno. Everyone saw him as a cold-blooded killer and a bit of an asshat, but he majored in English with a minor in Literature at Kalm University. It didn't do much in the way of paying career which is why he went back for his assassinations certificate, but the redhead could write and analyze with the best of them.) "Uh, babe? You okay in there? I'm beginning to think I got you preggers."
Was that still a word? He wasn't sure and he also didn't care. Preggo? No, that was a pasta sauce.
On the other side of the bathroom door, the stupid, creative, buxom bartender lurched again. After a few silent moments, he heard the toilet flush. Slowly, to not awaken further the beast of nausea, he opened the door. Well, shit, Tifa looked like shit. Reno played the good boyfriend card and wiped her forehead with a damp washcloth.
Tifa finally said, "Did you know that antibiotics mess up birth control pills?"
His heart stopped. "Yes," he finally answered. "Why?" he asked, slowly.
"Maybe we should have used a back-up."
It was several moments before his heart started to beat again. He made a mental note to speak to Luis about it. Until then, "Okay, let's call the doctor to be sure, because oh, motherfuckin' damn!"
"No, call Harmony. I heard she's doing district nursing now."
"Your friends were right, babe," he said, sliding against the wall next to her. "I am literally a lousy motherfucker."
Tifa wanted to smack him, but her stomach wouldn't allow it. "Well, I wouldn't call you lousy."
The swear word was accurate though. She leaned down to rest on his shoulder, smiled.
How could she forget about her beloved lattes? The one thing in the morning that kept her from murdering people because they talked to her. The one thing that made that horrific yellow sphere in the sky less irritating. She'd have to give it up - temporarily, but give it up anyway. Yuffie had a such a passionate love affair with lattes it even made Reeve feel a tug in his soul. Conscious. Whatever. "Aw, man," she huffed. It was time to walk back inside and make a few phone calls. If reality television said anything, she'd call her baby-daddy first, then her doctor to figure out what to do.
Oh.
There was one other option ... and no one would have to know. There was that clinic on the outskirts of Edge, perpetually in the shadows, where what they did was legal, but still on the hush-hush because people still followed the bare minimum of Bahamut's religion. She could go there, and her record would be sealed, and no one would be none the wiser. Yuffie sat down on her couch and thought about it. Really thought about it.
It was a choice, one of many. It had its place, though gruesome and heart-wrenching, and she appreciated that the choice was there, but. But. But was that the right choice for her? Right now? With Reeve. Something gnawed at her, fear, but not guilt; she liked getting laid and she was hardly the first single woman to get knocked up. Tifa always said motherhood came instinctively, which explained her relationship with Denzel, but could Yuffie do as well with her own? Could she?
"Well, of course, I fucking can! I'm Yuffie Kisaragi! White Rose of Wutai, heir to the throne, and all-around awesome ninja spy! Who else could rock this thing called being a mom! I goddamn can!" She continued, standing on her feet in arrogant triumph. "I can make it look good! I can be cool! And I'll switch to decaf until I give birth!"
There was a cough at the door and a thud of a briefcase hitting the floor.
Reno said, "You know, it's good timing that you didn't take those antibiotics when we were at the key party." Monogamy bored him, and as for how he convinced Tifa to "branch out" was a mystery to everyone. "It'd be awkward if my spawn came out bald or with a dot on his forehead."
Tifa rolled her eyes. "You know I always use a back-up with play partners."
"Aw, you only go bareback with me?" He kissed her cheek. "I love you."
"You've been spoiling me ever since I gave you that threesome for your birthday."
"That's why you've won every argument since then."
"And what now?" she asked. "I'm giving you a kid."
Reno thought a moment. "I can cook."
Tifa snorted, but ruffled his hair all the same. Another redhead around here would be rather adorable. "Tell you what, sweetie, how about you pick up Denzel from school while I call and make an appointment."
"That I can do. I have a feeling we won't be making any cross-country trips for awhile."
He continued to refuse to spell country correctly. He often - and purposefully - left out the letter 'o'. The bartender smacked him on the rear, then went about wiping down the bartop.
Reeve Tuesti heavily stared at the two scary lines looking up at him from Yuffie's bathroom sink. At his age, he had begun to think it wouldn't ever happen. Calmly, with a resolve most appropriate for a WRO commissioner, he stated, "I believe I should ask for your hand in marriage, so your father will not order my assassination."
Yuffie Kisaragi plunked her behind on the edge of the bathtub. "Yeah, I was afraid of that."
"You don't want to marry me?"
She grimaced, almost to the point of nausea (something she surprisingly haven't felt). "No way! I like what we have and I don't want to change it up." The nausea hadn't happened. Yuffie, Princess of Wutai and Queen of Motion Sickness, did not feel sick to her stomach.
"What do we have?" he asked, arms crossed.
"Seriously? We get together, we hang out, we bang. We have fun. I don't want that to fuck up because I'm pregnant." Her hands idly grazed her stomach. "I'm pregnant," she said again.
His top spy and off-and-on lover had a point, though he hated to admit it. The pair did have a comfortable arrangement (despite her once sneaking a certain green plant into a pan of brownies and screwing with his reputation). He didn't want to see their not relationship erode. "Alright," he stated. "I'll concede to you on the marriage point, but you still need to tell your father."
"Yeah, yeah," she sighed, pulling out her phone.
"What are you doing?"
"Texting him that you got me pregnant out of wedlock and I'm going to bear him a bastard grandchild."
"Yuffie!" He yanked the phone from her hands. "This deserves an actual phone call." Pause. "Or at least a handwritten letter delivered by the postal service." Strictly to buy him time and increase security. Yes, that's it.
She took her phone back with a huff. "Fine, but you owe me one. Leviathan only knows what this is going to do to my lady parts." With that, the matter was settled, but not before she heard him roll his eyes so loudly it could have knocked over bowling pins. "Hello? Father dear with whom I admire and respect?"
Reeve wanted to write 'SARCASM' on a sheet of paper and hold it over Yuffie's head whenever she opened her mouth. And especially when she talked to Lord Godo. He wanted to, but the mature leader inside him decided it would be against better judgment. Instead he looked back at the pregnancy test in the sink, and smiled. The little lines weren't so scary. Yet.
It was nine months. How bad could it get?
Inside his office a Solian physician scanned the following day's appointments. He paused at two of the names, looked again, then reached for his reading glasses. Upon the re-read, he erupted in boisterous laughter. His laughter was so strong, a nurse left her station and walked through the door. "Something interesting?" As a throwback to yesteryear, she wore a royal blue, scrub dress paired with a red cape and matching beret. "I have to go on rounds soon." A pig-tailed toddler clung to her hip.
He motioned for her to join him at his desk, still muffling his laugh. At the office, this particular physician kept it corporate casual under his white lab coat. The name badge was fancy, but he still insisted on first name basis. 'Dr. Luis' was proudly displayed in black lettering on his lapel. "Harmony, baby, this is gold. I love my job."
She sniffed and reached for the portfolio with her free hand. Soon, her laughter met his. "Oh, that's glorious. I'll start the betting pool of who has the longer labor."
"I will take that bet, sweetheart." With a grin, he reached for the chunky little human with his eyes and her nose. "And you get to help daddy sort through his desk while mommy sees her patients."
"District nursing makes me want to ride a bike. Yeah, I want a bike like the old days."
"The cape looks good on you."
"I know, right? I never got one when I worked the emergency department."
Author's Note: As much as I love fun-filled antics and romantic escapades, I think it's time I throw my favourite pairings a curveball. Now if you'll excuse me, I have body parts to label. *heads to the deep freezer*