Notes: This song was also in the last chapter of 'The Coward Texts' and once I had finished that piece, it felt like the song had more to say about Gail and Holly. Here is the beginning of that more. I mostly want to know if this should be continued, expanded or just left as is at the side of the cliff.
Editing Notes: All mistakes are mine, Gail and Holly, are not. They belong to Rookie Blue and its creators.
31 556 926 seconds
How can I go home
With nothing to say
I know you're going to look at me that way
You'll say, what did you do out there?
What did you decide?
You said you needed time you had time
Ani Difranco
Holly fingered the stuffed RCMP moose in one of the Pearson International Airport souvenir shops that were packed with pretty maple syrup bottles , t-shirts saying 'I heart Canada' and stuffed moose like this one. She smiled, mostly to herself. It was comforting. She had almost forgotten about these little shops with the maple leaf splattered all over absolutely everything. She missed maple sugar. She missed maple sugar candy. Nothing else like it in the world. The revelation was immediate. The moose was suddenly forgotten as she headed to the back of the tiny shop and paid the horrendous airport price for 3 of the precious commodities and moaned out loud as the sugar melted on her tongue. But Holly was not here to eat maple candy, or bump fists with her Canadian heritage. No, Holly was here for one reason. Gail. She had promised. THEY had promised to do this. And here it was. The day was here and she was here and she had no idea, if the other part of the promise, lay on the other side.
The clock on her wrist told her it was almost time.
Gail was nervous. She remembered the plan, whispered in the dark hours of Holly's last moments in Toronto. 365 days. 525949 minutes, 31 556 926 seconds. 1 year. No contact.
The wind ruffled Gail's carefully coiffed hair out of place. She struggled to tame her windblown bangs, but that proved fruitless and just increased her feeling of frustration. Gail wasn't good with the unknown. The unknown brought out the sides of her personality she didn't like. She had absolutely no idea how this was going to play out. She didn't remember now, why they had decided to have no contact. Holly had said something about needing time and that had made sense as they looked into each others eyes while the sunrise blanketed them in yellow warmth through Holly's bedroom window.
They had leaned into each other at the same time, softly kissed, sealing the deal. 1 year.
I guess everything is timing
I guess everything's been said
so I am coming home with an empty head
Ani Difranco
What the hell was she going to say? This was her doing after all. Stop molesting that poor moose and get in a cab Stewart! But she knew the moment she stepped outside the airport there would be a hundred cabs waiting. And then there would be no stopping it. The ride to her hotel would take 25 min, give or take on traffic. Then another 10 to their agreed meeting spot. And then it would be real. What if Gail didn't show? She promised she'd come. And a year ago, she was positive she would have the answers for her, for them. And now, she had a suitcase, 6 weeks of time accumulated and no idea if this was all going to be over in 6 minutes.
you'll say did they love you or what
I'll say they love what I do
the only one who really loves me is you
and you'll say girl did you kick some butt
and I'll say I don't really remember
but my fingers are sore
and my voice is too
Ani Difranco
'Hello Gail.' She hears the unmistakable alto tones of Holly's smooth voice
Gail didn't look up. She's not quite ready to see her yet. 'I wasn't sure you'd come.' Gail deflects.
'1 year. I said I'd be here.'
Gail shakes her head and allows a small smile. She should have known it would be that simple for Holly. 'Yeah…you did.'
Holly sits down on the weather beaten bench, leaving a respectable distance, but still remaining close. She mirrors Gail's position, staring straight ahead. Gail is terrified of what she will see in Holly's eyes. Because she has no idea what she wants to see. Does she want to see the woman she believes could be the love of her life? Does she want to see the incredible person who will be her friend for life? Does she want to see someone who has moved on already, because, really, when you broke it down, their time together had been remarkably short. And just as uneven in its stability.
'How are you Gail?' she says, barely above a whisper. Like maybe she's afraid too. Like maybe Gail isn't alone. Like maybe it isn't so simple for her either.
Leave it to Holly to jump right to it. Because Holly knew it wasn't just a casual question. Not for Gail. Not for them. She didn't want to know about work or Gail's latest lunch with her Mother.
Gail's silence was telling. This was Holly, and one of her one off answers, simply wouldn't do. This mattered too much. Holly had changed her and she deserved Gail's truth, no matter what the outcome of today, she deserved that.
'You changed me Holly.' She paused, blew out a breath, like she had a speech prepared and suddenly forgot her cue cards. 'I am not sure if you fully understand the impact of your short cameo in my life.'
Holly listened, calmly, patiently, seemingly without reservation. Like she always had when Gail was processing, saying something important. Holly always knew when Gail was saying something important, even though, the actual words, were sometimes contrary.
'When we kissed, that first time, it was like I had been locked in a dark cave and suddenly, someone from the outside world was shining a torch in my face. I got it. I understood what everyone was talking about when they got all stupid faced over someone.' She paused again, like somehow she thought this sounded wrong. 'But it wasn't about being a lesbian. It was about you. Just you. You took me as I am, accepted all my quirks, even seemed to be endeared by some of them. You actually tried when I told you to fuck off.' She paused again. 'Its been a year. And I have forgotten every single reason why we thought that was a good idea. Because from the second you left, I had my answers. I knew what I wanted for us. And this year apart, has only cemented those answers. And those answers are my truth.'
'And what is your truth Gail?' Holly finally spoke, not really expecting an honest answer.
'You Holly. You are my truth. You are my light. You are my person.' It was so simple and so complicated.
'Wow'
'Really? Wow? That's all you've got Ms. PhD?'
'Honesty?' Gail nodded 'I never expected you to be so…direct. I expected some flip answer, a few snide remarks. And I would get an answer sometime this month.'
'Does that mean you are going to be here all month?'
'Of course that's what you would take from that sentence.' She shook her head affectionately. 'But seriously, from the Gail I left, it kind of feels like the pod people came and took over your body.' She pinched Gail
'Ow! Seriously Holly? Remind me never to get a PhD! I already know the word WOW and it makes you an immature brat when I am pouring my beautiful heart out.' The laughter felt good, it felt right, it felt like home.
'If only it could be this easy…' Holly wiped her eyes
'Yeah…' Gail's voice trailed off and she finally looked at Holly
And just like that, the air was gone. The look in Gail's eyes….it was so open. Gail loved her. It was right there in those beautiful blue eyes. Gail was sure. And Holly couldn't breathe.
Suddenly, she was across the park and hailing a cab. The tears blinding her.
What the fuck did you just do? What the fuck is wrong with you?
'Park Hyatt please.' She croaked
you'll say it's really good to see you
you'll say I missed you horribly
you'll say let me carry that
give that to me
and you will take the heavy stuff
and you will drive the car
and I'll look out the window making jokes
about the way things are
Ani Difranco
'Not so simple' Gail muttered as an involuntary tear splashed off her hand.
Okay, so what do we think? Continue, leave it here? Comments, questions, concerns, all welcome. Brutal honesty is appreciated.