Squid Bullies: Ashort Squidbillies x MLP bystander-fic (unfortunantly) written by You Say, I Write.

Rated M for the following: Violence, death (non-detailed), minor language.

Requested by: Anonymous

Disclaimer: The writer has never seen an episode of either television series. The events depicted in this piece of bystander-fiction are thus based solely off passing information heard from by others, from short clips watched and Wikipedia articles read, for the purposes of knowing general names and terms. Characters are likely to be inaccurate. Deal with it.

Twilight Sparkle and company were frolicking in the hills just outside Ponyville, when they came upon a swirling vortex of magic. They stopped to stare at the portal: a hodge-podge of colors mixing and separating as they tumbled into and through one another while maintaining an ovular shape.

"Don't look safe to me." Said Applejack, as she turned around and started to head back to town, "It's about timed I headed on back to the farm; It's apple-picking season, you know."

"It's just a portal, Applejack! Nothing we haven't seen before!" Rainbow Dash swooped down and landed with a short trot, getting closer to the portal than the others had dared to. Twilight Sparkle soon followed, and one by one the gang inched closer to the magical construct. For a moment no one spoke, before Twilight Sparkle gave a nod of her head, "Come on, girls! Who are we to turn down the prospect of a great adventure!" and thus cantered forward and disappeared to parts unknown. Not wanting to be outdone, Rainbow Dash flew upwards, performed a somersault, and dove through the portal. One by one the rest of the group went inside, even the reluctant Applejack…Spyro- uh, I mean Spike- Spike, however, decided that sitting this one out may just be a good idea.

The first thing the ponies noticed as they all appeared on the other side of the portal was the change of scenery. No longer were they in the open hills of Equestria, but instead found themselves within a small clearing, surrounded by a thick mess of poorly drawn trees. Now, it was clear that the ponies had no idea where they were, but in case their looks of bewilderment and confusion as they looked all about weren't enough…

"Where are we?" asked Rarity, and the others all nodded as if this was the wisest thing they had ever heard in their young, pony lives, "I'll go take a look around" Said Rainbow Dash, as she took off and into the equally poorly drawn sky.

It was greyish blue in hue, clouds looking more like puffs of smoke from an old timie smoking pipe. Looking down at the maze of what apparently were this world's concept of trees, Rainbow Dash would eventually see a log cabin in the distance…now, if these ponies had ever seen the Evil Dead series of movies, they'd know that you should never go to a cabin in the middle of the woods, for all kinds of evil can be found within…books bound in the skin of humans…chainsaw killers with a thirst for blood…

Or a family of Cephalopods hillbillies, living on the outskirts of society…apparently this is a thing. Early Cuyler was relaxing on the front porch after a hard day of…uh…squid…billie…things…right…meanwhile, Rusty watched in awe as he saw something in the sky: it nearly shimmered against the pale sky, followed by rainbow streaks. "Daddy, hey daddy look!" the teenage squid called out, pointing a tentacle skyward, and prodding his dad with another one. Early woke up with a grunt, "Snnk! What-huh-what!? Boy! What have I told you about interrupting yer dad's special nap tim- oh sweet baby Jesus fish-" His eyes went upwards and that's when he saw Rainbow Dash in the distance…and heading their way! "They're back! Granny! Get me my shotgun and hunting cap!"

"But dad, it's so pretty!"

"Shut up and get yer guns! It's time you became a man! Granny! Where's mah guns!?"

Click…click…click…click…Granny Curly was inching ever closer to the door, blinded by the tower of guns on the top of her walking, adorned with a baseball cap emblazoned with the 'Hooters' logo upon it.

"Bout time Granny!" Without another word Early whipped a tentacle out, sending Granny tumbling to the ground and the guns into the air. He tossed his prior hat through the (unfortunately closed) window, and caught a gun in six of his tentacles. Meanwhile, Rusty was bonked against the head by most of the guns, and ended up catching a pistol.

"You can't spell 'Merica unless you got guns, son!" exclaimed Early, as he cocked his shotgun, "Come on Rusty, we gotta get to the roof!"

…Now, no one wants to watch a pair of squids attempt to climb a ladder while carrying a large amount of guns. There's a lot of slipping and sliding, cursing and swearing, guns dropped and a few extra 'F' bombs. In other words, I won't describe just how they got onto the roof, but a quick panel change later…they're now on the roof.

"Dad, you sure we should be shoo-"

"If we don't, the commies win! And I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and let people start speaking French in my 'Merica! Fire!" and so, the duo opened fire.

"Oh look, fireworks!" Exclaimed Rainbow Dash, as lights started flashing from the roof, "They must be welcoming us, I'll fly down and say-AGGH!" the flying pony found herself careening to the ground after getting hit by some buckshot.

Twilight Sparkle's ears twitched as she craned her head upwards, "You hear that? Rainbow Dash is in trouble! Come on, girls!" and so the ponies charged through the forest, shouting 'Pony Power' with a great sense of pride and zeal. Meanwhile, Early and Rusty were field dressing Rainbow Dash and hauling her back to their house for later. "This is what I call home decoration!" Early was now mounting Rainbow Dash's head on the wall, using Lil' Curley as a stepping stool…she was too busy being passed out in a pool of her own vomit to notice or care. The remaining ponies followed the train of what they supposed to be 'sour strawberry syrup', and made their way to the cabin. Twilight Sparkle knocked on the door, "Hello? We're looking for our friend Rainbow Dash, have you seen her?"

"Ssssssh! Maybe they'll just go back to Canada!" said Early

"We can hear you." replied Applejack

"Those darn Englishmen have extra sensory hearing." Early snorted, cocking his shotgun.

"…Actually you're not whispering. You're shouting at the top of your lungs."
"Oh yeah, well-"Early dropped the shotgun, before picking up Granny and throwing her out the window. The ponies, distracted by the display, did not expect Early and Rusty to emerge from the front door, smacking Rarity as it flew off the hinges. Early leapt onto Applejack's back and tied a rope around her neck as the pony reared and bucked.

Rusty then started talking to Twilight Sparkle, "Yeah…my dad's a bit of a- OH MAN THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE." Twilight Sparkle fell dead to the ground, while a mortified and blood-splattered Rusty looked down at the smoking gun in his tentacles. Meanwhile, the Early-Applejack rodeo continued.

"HOOOOOOO-EEEEY! This is why we don't need no internet!"

…Oh yeah. There are two other ponies unaccounted for. Well, let's see…uh…This was around the time that the Sherriff arrived on the scene, hearing gunfire. After running over Pinkie Pie, he headed to the Curley Shack, and gazed upon the scene: There was Rusty, digging some graves, while Early was prancing about atop an orangish one with a cowboy hat on.

"Hey Sherriff," Early pulled a teary-eyed Applejack to a stop, sticking a feed bag over her mouth and tying her to the side of the house, "Just fighting the good fight and keeping the Chinese off our lands." The Sherriff sighed and grabbed a flask from his belt, drinking deeply. This was going to be a long day…

…oh right, one pony left, uh…Butterfly fled into the woods in terror, and hid inside a cave. As she gasped and whimpered, it drew the attention of a nearby pack of wolves. Now, the sound and smell of a terrified young animal is pretty appetizing for a hungry predator, let alone a whole group of them. They advanced on the cave, and the pony was devoured in the darkness.

The End.

P.S. This was horrible and I hated writing it as much as you hated reading it. I make no attempt to change the way the story progressed, and I offer no apology. Blame Anonymous for that.