Pain.
"Come on Lucy! It'll be fun!"
"No guys… I don't think I should. I have tons of homework, and I'm really busy so—"
"You are no fun! You're such a good child, the "perfect child", the "straight A girl"... I mean… don't you ever have any fun? Just this once Lucy. Please?"
"But I can't an—"
"Please?"
"Fine, I'll go, but my dad can't find out okay?"
"Yay! Awesome! Lucy you are going to have soooo much fun!"
Flinches. Hurts. More pain. Memories.
"Can we go home? I'm tired, and guys keep trying to…you know."
"Luuuucy! Come on, have some fun! Live a little! Pwease *hiccups* for me?"
"You're drunk…please, let's just go home. You know your parents won't like that you're drunk. Let's just go. Come on."
"No! I don't wanna! I don't wanna go home to more fighting! I don't wanna…"
Weight…so much weight. Carrying? Holding something? Burdened. Too much pain…
"I can't believe you passed out. Now I have to drive, when I'm barely awake. Have I mentioned I hate you? Oh wait, you can't hear me… I knew coming to this party was going to be bad news. I just knew it. You are going to be in so much trouble… as am I, probably. Why did I agree to come to this stupid thing again? Why did I—"
Screams. Bright lights. More pain. More screams. Ambulance. Broken. Broken everywhere. Crying. Tears everywhere. Endless screams…why…why…why…WHY?!
My eyes snapped open, and I jolted up. Instantly, a jolt of pain coursed throughout my entire body. What? Why…?
I looked down.
Oh.
My legs were not there.
Where were they?
Is this a joke?
A prank?
Where are they?
Tears formed in my eyes, and before I realized what was happening, I was crying. I couldn't stop crying.
"What happened?" I whispered to myself, horrified. I tried to remember, but I couldn't remember anything.
In fact why was my body different too?
I mean...the last thing I remember is the argument I had with my father over whether or not I should be allowed a phone. I mean…a thirteen-year-old girl should be able to have a phone, right?
"Lucy?"
I turned, frightened, and saw my father sitting there, staring at me with such emotion it hurt me. He looked different…how? Why? He looked several years older, and even more worn out than usual.
I wonder why.
"Lucy, how do you feel?" he asked. I blinked at him. How did I feel? Well I don't know…how do I feel?
"I feel…confused," I finally said. It was the truth. I felt very confused about what was going on. Why in the world was I in a hospital?
"Do you not remember the crash?" he asked, sounding suspiciously confused himself.
"Crash?" I asked. His eyes widened as he nodded slowly.
"You don't remember? The crash…the phone call you made me…the—"
"Wait, what?" I asked. Did he just say the phone call that I made him? Well now that can't be true since I didn't own a phone…was he mocking me? I mean, how could he have already forgotten the fight?
He didn't respond, as if he was confused by my question.
"Dad…I don't have a phone," I stated, trying to remind him of what had happened only like last night. He frowned, looking worried.
"Yes, you do. I got for you a few days later after we had that terrible fight, remember?" he asked. Terrible fight? Well, good. At least we were on the same page now. But…the fight only happened yesterday. There's no way a few days have passed, and I know there's no way that he actually bought me a phone.
"But I'm only thirteen!" I exclaimed. I watched as his eyes got very wide, yes… very, very wide, and then almost as if he was afraid to he whispered,
"Lucy…you're almost eighteen years old."
No. Way.
I've been crying a lot these days.
I'm not sure if that's because of the hormones that I still haven't gotten used to, or about the fact that I killed my best friend…apparently.
Of course, I don't remember her.
At. All.
We had met in freshman year, and after that, we were both inseparable, despite the differences in our personalities. She was the fun, outgoing girl who talked to everyone and got invited to every party, and I was the straight-A student who read books during lunch.
I still can't think of one possible reason as to why we became best friends, but then again…I never would since she's dead, and I can't remember her.
They keep telling me how it happened, but I can't help thinking that what they are telling me is not the truth.
It's just…the girl they described as me does not seem to be the type of girl to get drunk and then actually drive in a car. So I can't see how it was as simple as two drunk girls driving home smash into a pole. The passed out girl in the passenger's seat is then flung out of the car and smashes her head against the pole, since of course she was not wearing a seatbelt.
And then the driver, who had been wearing a seatbelt, is flung upwards due to the amount of air pressure sprung up from beneath her, and her head smashes against the roof of the car, which is how she loses memory.
After that…somehow, after that she picks up the phone and calls her father, for whatever reason, and somehow she was still awake. After that she manages to drag herself out of the car and towards her already dead best friend.
However, she wasn't aware of that, or she just didn't want to believe it, but as she brings her dead friend's dead body to rest against the car, the car gives out and before the driver could remove her legs, the cars falls on them, smashing them to the core, which in turn causes the driver to pass out from sheer pain.
It just seems so...unreal to me. I still can't believe that that's what happened, because first of all, how would a drunk, injured girl even know to get out of the car and check on her friend? How? A lot of it makes no sense to me, but it's what the doctors believe so I guess I'll just go along with them.
What else can I really do?
I've talked to her parents.
They know me well, and they are sad that I can't remember them.
I think they blame me.
I would blame me.
Who wouldn't blame me?
I was the one driving.
It was me.
It was me who was behind the wheel, so why wouldn't you blame me? I also think that beneath the actual sadness that I have lost my memories, her parents want me to remember.
I think they want me to be sad too and to cry with them, since I would remember her death, but I also think they just want someone else to remember their child as a best friend before she died.
I'm still not sure if I want to remember.
My father doesn't know how to act around me. He just acts sad, and when I say something to me, he starts to respond before remembering that this was a me from a few years ago, which were apparently the worst years of his parenting life.
How terrific.
I mean…I am still me, right? So why can he not get that in his thick head? He's still the same…my stupid, stupid father.
Long live my memories.
I get checked on daily, and they're starting to talk to me about getting prosthetic legs. We certainly have the money for it. And who "they" are would be the doctors…the nurses…the counselors…all of those who are completely and utterly new to my life. Those who want to "help me".
Do they really not understand that I am in so much pain?
I just keep telling them that I'll think about it. I will. It's not like I'm lying. It's just that I don't really want to talk about what I've had. Not really the brightest thing to think about.
But then again…is there even anything bright to think about?
Will there ever be?
It's weird.
Not being able to feel your legs…it takes some getting used to.
Sometimes, I would just be sitting there staring at the air that remains where my legs are supposed to be, and I'll just start crying. There would never be some sort of indication either…the tears would just start to flow, and I wouldn't be able to stop it.
I don't think that I would stop it if I could…at least it gave me something to do.
There wasn't much I wanted to do with others because I didn't like the look of pity they gave me…that look of lost…lost hope. It made me feel even worse so I refrained from seeing my friends…my family…and even my parents after a time. I just couldn't handle it.
Of course, I was optimistic as I could be all the day, all the time. I tried, and I mean really tried, to smile more…to try and laugh, but those gestures were losing their meanings. They would soon become completely lost to me. I hated it.
Why must I remain living?
It happened on a snowy day…ironically enough.
It was my first day out of bed, in a wheelchair of course, and it was also the day I met Natsu Dragneel, or at least…of what I could remember.
Apparently, he had already known me, but his face was unfamiliar and foreign to me like…all the others. I remember asking for his name after he had come up to me in the hospital lounge and handed me a flower. A white petunia to be exact.
I had been so surprised and the first thing out of my mouth was to ask his name.
"I'm Natsu," he said, smiling.
I immediately took a liking to him. Not because of what he said or how he talked but because of the fact that when he looked at me he didn't see some poor, handicapped girl who had been in an awful accident.
He just saw me and I liked that. I liked it quite a bit actually.
However, when I asked why he was there in the hospital he kind of just went quiet, but before he would come up with some excuse I told him it was all right if he didn't tell me and that I was also very nosy…or at least I thought I was. He had smiled, relieved, and continued to speak on.
I was happy.
I was happy that there was at least one person out there who didn't look at me with pity.
After that he visited every day.
He visited on the days when I was having surgery, and he visited on the days where I was an emotional wreck.
He always came, every day, no matter what.
Of course, I wondered what he did besides hang out with me, and how he was managing this with school and everything, but I never asked. I could tell he didn't want to be asked and I was afraid that if I asked, I would offend him, which would make him leave…and of course I didn't want that.
So when he visited me, he would talk about me, and what I liked. He would ask me all sorts of questions and stories, and in return he would give me some of his stories. Oh I loved his stories. His stories could make me start off laughing and then be in an emotional wreck by the end of it.
They were all very great.
One day, however, he told me this story that I still can't forget. It started off with the simple:
Once a boy met a girl. Yeah, cliché right? Well it was. It was so cliché it was almost perfect.
You see…this boy…he had no parents. With a dead mother, and a missing father, this little boy raised himself without ever telling anyone.
One day, he had gone to the local park where he met this little girl about his age. Now…this girl…she was an angel. Those were the first thoughts that the little boy thought.
He thought that she was an angel, and even made the mistake of saying it aloud. The girl, who had heard him, immediately spun around and faced him.
She was playing on the seesaw, all alone, but she smiled when she saw a possible play companion.
"I'm not an angel! Mommy said that angels grow up in the sky and look after you and nope, nope, nope, that's not what I am!" the little girl exclaimed. The little boy loved her voice. Her voice only made him even more convinced that she was an angel.
"Uh huh," he muttered. He watched as the little girl studied him, and he watched as she perked up.
"Play with me!" she suggested. The little boy tried to stumble a reply but none came. "Please?" she continued on to plead and plead until finally…
"Did he finally agree to play?" I asked, cutting in. Natsu nodded, amused and went on.
Yeah… he finally agreed to play with her. And they played for such a long time, and both of them had so much fun…especially the little boy. He felt as if he was actually wanted in this world for one of the first times ever.
When the mother of the little girl finally came, she left with a quick thank you and a hug. They promised to play again sometime, and he agreed.
They both kept their promise for about two months until one day… the little girl came back to the park, but this time…with her father. She held onto her father's hand and she didn't look happy at all. The little boy was nothing short of confused.
Why was his angel so sad?
She then proceeded to tell him that her mother had died and that she wouldn't be able to play with him anymore. The little boy was heartbroken. Just when he found something to live for, it was taken from his life just like that.
"That's not fair!" I protested, taking Natsu's hand in my own. Natsu gave a small smile and gestured his head towards the legs that weren't there.
"Is anything ever really fair Lucy?" he asked. I frowned. He had a point, and it pained me that he did. I just nodded, urging him to continue on with the story.
Years passed and before the boy knew it, he was a teenager, entering high school.
He didn't have any friends, just some acquaintances from junior high that he occasionally talked to. He (of course) remembered the little girl, but they haven't seen each other in years. He was still trying to forget what happened, even at age fifteen.
"They're going to meet again right? In high school? I can feel it coming…" I whispered, clutching Natsu's hand tighter. Natsu didn't respond except with another secret, small smile.
Then, on the second day…something absolutely amazing happened.
Rushing through the hallways since he was almost late to his next class, he ran into someone…and when he apologized and helped pick up her stuff he realized that this someone was an angel.
That this someone was his angel, and once again… his whole world shifted just like that.
He smiled wide, about to start talking to her with the familiarity that had held their bond before, before he realized…that she did not recognize him. Instead, she scanned him over and hurried on, with a quick apology thrown over her head back at him.
Well this of course made the little boy very upset, but he was happy. He finally got to see her again, even if she didn't remember him.
As it turns out, they had three classes together, where the little boy spent most of his time glancing over at the girl and daydreaming that she would remember him. He hated how pathetic he was. He hated that she couldn't remember him.
He hated it all.
My eyes had been starting to drift off, and I remember Natsu reaching out and brushing out a strand of hair from my face. He had said that he would finish the story another time when I had protested that he stopped talking.
It was strange…because since the beginning of the story, it all felt familiar and it all felt like it meant something more.
The problem was I just couldn't remember what.
And I had a feeling it had nothing to do with the amnesia.
Natsu never finished the story….after days and days of his visits he completely ignored it. Sure, he told other stories, but nope, never that one.
Of course I had asked…but he just laughed at me and called me an "impatient princess".
Geesh.
Since then I've hinted at it many times that I wanted the story finished, but still…nothing. I would be able to get out of the hospital soon…actually I could've been discharged long ago, but I wanted to stay.
I still did not want to socialize with the outside world just yet. I was quite happy being in my own little, imperfect bubble with Natsu and his stories.
Besides, it seemed to be doing me good anyways, so the doctors couldn't really complain now could they?
Jokes on them anyways.
I'm probably never going to leave this place.
"Luce, you awake?" I awakened immediately as soon as I heard the nickname Natsu had given me a few days earlier.
I, of course, told him that it was stupid and made me feel like a child, but in reality I loved it since it made me seem like someone new. My memories still weren't back so I guess I was someone new.
Lots of times I felt as if I was being some "bad girl" because I was spending so much time with this eighteen year-old boy, but then I'd have to remind myself that I was also eighteen and not thirteen.
Now that fact was still settling in.
"Now I am," I mumbled, pushing myself up with my elbows. I smiled at him. "Hey Natsu."
"Hey Luce," he responded. I was just so used to him…being there for me and so much more, that I couldn't remember a time without him…ironic huh?
"I got something to tell you Lucy," he whispered. My eyes widened at his words. He sounded so serious…so guilty…I didn't like it.
"What is it?" I asked before I could stop myself. I didn't want to know…I felt afraid all of a sudden. What did he want to tell me?
"Lucy…I'm really sorry, it just happened and—"
"No," I said, cutting in. No…I didn't want to hear whatever he was going to say. I was too afraid…. "Natsu…finish the story."
He looked surprised. If it was at what I asked of him or that I cut him off, I wasn't sure. I saw his eyes downcast, and he frowned. It was as if he was trying to concentrate on something very important…it scared me.
This wasn't like him…why was he so serious?
"Okay Lucy…I will, but you have to promise not to interrupt, all right?" he asked. I just nodded, settling back into my bed.
Did I really want to know?
No…no I didn—yes, I did.
Natsu only nodded, and then…the story continued.
Finally, the little boy decided to grow up, but in a different way. He would try to move on from the girl he was sure he had loved over all of these years…he just had to.
He would try to forget her…just as easily as she forgot him.
A few more years passed, where they ignored each other's existence, but no matter how much the boy tried to let her go, there was always that part of him that refused to let go. It didn't matter how many girls he dated…it didn't matter how many other girls he had crushes on…the feelings he had for her sadly…remained constant throughout his life.
He was still living alone, of course, no one knew about it.
If he told someone, he would be sent to an orphanage until he was a legal adult, but he wasn't too worried about that now…he would be turning eighteen in just a few months now.
Finally, he could move on indefinitely.
He would be able to get away from…her.
One night, however, the entire senior class was invited to a party…a wild party, the type of parties he wasn't ever invited to and even if he had been he wouldn't have gone. He planned on not going…he was so adamant in his decision to stay home and do nothing, but on the day of the party…he had walked by his lost angel.
The angel who didn't remember him.
She was laughing with one of her good friends, and he overheard them speaking about the party that night.
They were both going…she would be going to the party as well. Of course, after hearing that, his decision decided to slightly shift, but he remembered his promise to himself.
He had promised himself to move on from her…he had to move on.
So, he went home, and started on homework, knowing full well about the party just down the street from his house. He could easily walk there in fifteen minutes if he wanted to, but no…he refused to go.
However, around the nine o'clock hour, his whole focus on his decision shifted and before he knew it, he was running out of the house, and towards the party. He knew it was for her.
For his angel.
Well, you see… on the way there…there's this street that you have to cross, and this boy was so focused on his destination where his angel was that he didn't notice the car coming towards him.
He turned, just in time, to see the car swerve and crash into a pole.
It all happened in the blink of an eye, and before he knew it, he had vaguely seen a girl be thrown out of the passenger seat and onto the sidewalk. The boy stood in horror at what had happened. He ran towards the car, and saw it was her friend…the one she always hung out with, and he noticed with horror that the girl was definitely not alive.
In that moment, it clicked. If her friend had flown out of the passenger seat, who had been driving? And that's when the boy turned around to see his angel passed out in the car, blood everywhere.
It was one of the worst sights he had ever seen in his entire life.
He rushed towards her, breathing loudly, and screaming her name in his head.
All that was on his mind was getting her out of there…he had to get her out of there. And he did. When he reached the car, the boy flung himself on her, pulling with all his might. He broke the seatbelt and as he pulled her out, her phone fell out.
He knew what to do now. He picked up the phone with the girl on one arm, and went to her contacts to call her father.
As the phone was ringing, he rushed over to her friend and pulled her towards the car as well.
He didn't know why he did it.
He didn't know why he left his angel all alone by that car, because as soon as he grabbed hold of her friend, he heard a loud, clamoring sound.
He turned, in utter shock, to see the car, now collapsed, on top of the girl he loved. Tears pricked at his eyes, and he muttered between breaths that she would not die…and that she would be okay.
She had to be okay, because if she wasn't okay…then there was no reason for him to exist in this world today.
She had to be okay.
He rested her friend against the car, and tried to pull his angel out, but then he heard sirens and a scream.
He couldn't do this. If they found out about his parents then he would be taken away from her. No…he was a coward.
So with one last kiss to the forehead of the girl he loved, he ran away. He had a feeling that he was running from more than he thought.
He skipped school the next few days. He stayed home staring at the wall imagining the worst. He was afraid that she would be dead. He was so afraid…
When he finally returned he found out that she was alive.
He had never been so relieved in his life. That's all that mattered…her living breaths, but then he found out more. He found out that her friend was dead, her legs were going to be operated on somehow, and that she had amnesia. His breath stopped short.
Was this because of him?
Was he the cause of all of this?
If he hadn't been walking in the street then the crash never would have happened and his angel would still be safe and happy with her best friend.
He blamed himself for everything.
The next few days were agony for the boy as he was constantly worrying about the girl who did not remember him. He wanted to know how she was…he wanted to have a reason to visit her and talk to her, make her feel safe and worthwhile, and that was when the idea popped into his head.
She had amnesia…so if he presented himself as one of her friends from school, which wasn't a lie, that would be a good enough of a reason to visit her, right? The boy was happy, and hurried to a department store where he bought a flower.
A white petunia…one of her favorite flowers as he remembered her saying all those years ago. So then he went to the hospital, and he saw her.
She was safe, but she was not happy.
So…from right then and there he promised that no matter what, he would keep her happy.
She had to be happy.
He promised her too, even if she didn't know it, and that was enough for her, as well for him…
The End.
I was frozen in time.
I could not move. I see now.
He's…he's the little boy…and…and I'm his…angel.
No.
This isn't right…it's too sad.
It can't be true, but it made sense…the story of how I got out, how I called my dad…it all made sense. Oh god…oh this can't be happening.
He loved me too?! He actually loved me…he's loved me all this time…and I still can't really remember him! I should be able to though…we were five, and I have all my memories up to when I was thirteen.
So why can't I remember him?
Why would I forget him in the first plac—oh. I know why.
That was the year my mother died.
I blocked everything out from that year.
I didn't want to remember it, and I know that if I tried to remember all of those memories…filled with all of that pain would come back. Oh god, how must he be feeling?
But…but why didn't he tell me sooner?!
This isn't fair…none of this is fair.
I hate this.
"You should've told me," I barely managed to get out. I didn't realize that I had been crying until now. I was crying…and I couldn't stop. No, I don't think I wanted to. Finally, an explanation to it all. A cruel one though…
"I just did Lucy. Besides, what would you have done if I had told you sooner? Hell, what are you going to do now?" he asked me, leaning in, taking my hand in his. His hand felt so warm…and it was all that I needed as I continue to cry.
He didn't say anything after that. He just sat there, rubbing my hand with his fingers like an artist stroking his brush over the canvas…so carefully, so delicately.
He called me an angel!
That just made me cry harder.
I didn't feel like an angel…I didn't even feel human, but when I was around him, I did.
He made me feel beautiful. Natsu.
Natsu.
"Oh hi. I'm Lucy…wait! I ran into you in the hallway, right?"
"Oh haha…yeah you sort of did, but it was my fault too."
"Oh well sorry about that…so, what's your name?"
"I'm Natsu."
"Well it's nice to meet you Natsu, and if I may ask…why do you have salmon-colored hair?"
"Wait, what?"
"Haha, I asked why your hair color is salmon."
"Not pink?!"
"Um no. That's obviously salmon…"
"I know! But…everybody else calls it pink."
"Well I'm not everybody else, am I?!"
"…No…you're not."
"What was that? Oh well anyways, I have to be moving on! See you later Natsu!"
I remembered something! When I first met Natsu…for the second time. Why now? Why was it that memory?
I looked back up at Natsu through my tears and met his dark eyes.
He was still looking at me like that.
Like I actually was an angel.
"Thank you Natsu," I whispered. It was all I could say. I was thankful…thankful for everything. For being so nice, for saving my life…for loving me this entire time.
"For what? Lucy I am so sorry…if it wasn't for me your friend would still be…and your legs…Lucy I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I've been sorry this entire time, and I've wanted to tell you that ever since the incident. I am so sorry," he blurted out. I cracked a small smile.
"Natsu…I just remembered how I met you…for the second time, I guess. I see now why I didn't ask about your hair when I met you for well…the third time? Haha…you can be sorry if you want to, but I don't blame you.
If anything, I'm sorry for all the pain I've put you through. I didn't mean to forget you the first time. It's just that was the year when my mother passed away, and I have tried everything to not remember anything from those years. I guess I tried so hard that you and your amazing self slipped away too. I'm sorry for that."
"Don't be," he whispered. "Please don't be."
I closed my eyes, as his fingers tightened in my own.
Our hands were grasping at each other as if we were each other's life forces, which I guess in a sense we kind of were.
"Thank you Natsu. Really, I mean it. Thank you…thank you for making me feel like an angel this entire time when really I'm just a girl with amnesia and no legs…just a pathetic girl…" His grip became tighter.
"You. Are. Not. Pathetic. Lucy, you helped me survive through hell and yeah you also put me through it, but it's worth it because you are so, so strong. I am amazed at how strong you are and it's okay to cry…crying helps you release those emotions you've been holding onto forever.
Your mother, your friend, your amnesia, your father…everything Lucy.
So cry if you have to…cry in front of me and I swear I'll be here for you every time." His voice was so soothing and made me believe him in so many ways…but it was contradicting.
Why…why is he telling me the advice he needs to take himself?
"Natsu…go ahead. Cry. Please. Let it all out…I can't even imagine what it was like to go home to an empty house every day after school…in love with me who didn't even have the audacity to remember you. You must have felt pain Natsu and knowing you…you kept it in, right?"
"Lucy…" he started to say, but his voice cracked. I smiled.
Finally.
He was going to let it go…he was going to cry all those tears he's been holding onto forever.
I waited a few more seconds before finally with one more breath of my name he broke. Oh how he broke.
His tears, wretched and heartbroken tugged at my soul. They brought my tears forth and then it was my turn to take his advice.
To cry…it was a way of release.
To cry in front of someone else…to show such vulnerability…now that was trust, friendship, and…and love.
We cried for what seemed like a lifetime, holding onto each other with nothing more than the mere touch of our palms, hand-in-hand.
Just that small bit of contact was enough to let the both of us know that we were not alone. We were not the only ones…just the fact that we had somebody.
Just the fact that there was somebody there for us…was worth more than anything.
Just the fact, that hand-in-hand, tears in unison, we were together.
We were each other's strength and it didn't matter that is was only him that kept me on this world…it didn't matter because he was enough…he was enough to make me smile, to make me laugh, to make me truly value life no matter how screwed it up it had gotten.
And I know that even if my memory never returns, he'll be there. Even if I lose my mind, he would be there for me.
He's going to be here for me and just that very thought was enough.
It was enough to last a lifetime and forever.
It was enough for me to return the favor, and as our trembling hands held each other, tears falling, I felt important. I felt needed, and wanted and I felt…I truly felt like one of those angels that Natsu had been claiming that I was this entire time.
Why must he always be right?
I smiled through my tears, just at the thought of the unspoken promise of infinity between us. The promise…everything…
It's worth it now.
Word count: 6,025 words in this story.
*Hi there. I really hope that you enjoyed this story. I really do...it took me a while to write and I'm proud of this one. Well, hearing your input would mean so much to me...so maybe leave a review?
I love all of you guys and thank you for reading my story.
Bai guys.
-DiAnna44 :)
My Fanfiction Twitter Account- /TheDiAnna44#
My FanFiction Facebook Page- DiannaFanFictionWriter