Breath

By Lynne Harding

July 18, 2005

In. Out. In. Out. Just breath…

I looked around again, knowing I wouldn't see anything, yet still knowing where everything was. I had been told many times that I was claustrophobic, but I wasn't, I knew I wasn't. The walls didn't feel as though they were closing in on me, suffocating me, crushing me. No, they screamed. So much pain, anguish everywhere. Hands reached out to grab me, cold, dead fingers scratching at me, and I could do nothing.

Just breath… In. Out. In. Out…

I reached out, touching the edge of bed before pulling at the sheets kicked to the end. Carefully I pulled it around me, tucking the edges under, trying not to focus on the hands grabbing at me, trying to pull, scratching at my skin. Its not real, this I do know. None of it is real, so why can I still feel it, the hands. Why can I hear their whispers, their taunts. Why wouldn't they leave me alone?

In. Out. In. Out…

Maybe I was crazy, but I think I'd read somewhere that if you thought yourself crazy that you weren't. Maybe that was a lie. You can't be normal if the dark is out to get you, right? Right? The whispers were back, their pleas of help, their suggestions, and their hate. I want to help them; I want them to leave me alone. I want to live, but I want to die. I just want to be free.

Just breath. Just breath…

Just stop thinking and it will go away, but it never does. Empty your mind and you wont hear it, but their voices get louder. Shut down and you wont feel it, but their hands grip harder, trying to rip through me, clawing at my insides, wanting… wanting me… Why? Leave me alone! I don't hear you!

In. Out. In. Out… Breath… Breathe damnit!

I drag my nails across my arms, shoving their hands away, they seem afraid of my blood, as though it hurts them, as though my life leaking down my arms causes them pain. They retreat. The voices get louder. They like my pain, my fear…

In. Out.

I clutch my head, knowing there is only one way to stop them. I don't want to, don't make me! But there is only one way, if I don't they will never leave me be. No! Stop it! Please! I.. I… And I cry, silent tears down my face, only a few, but enough. They know they have won.

In… Out… Out… Out… Breath…

Trembling, I wish I could escape, but they always find me. Alone in the dark, where nothing can protect me. Alone in my home, where no one will save me. Alone in my mind, where I cannot run.

Just…. Breath… Please…

I scream, drowning out my tears, muffling their words. I scream until I am weak, until I am numb, until I can feel unconsciousness creeping along my body. Forcing me… to sleep…