By: Olivia
I glance back one more time at John. I'm giving him one last chance hoping that he'll say that he loves me. But he doesn't and the moment passes again. So I turn back and head into my apartment alone.
I still can't believe I said all those words to him a week ago. I practically told him I love him. Partly it was the drink talking and partly it was me who had grown tired of waiting, tried of hiding how I feel about him.
Dana told me how John fought for me, even when everyone else, including herself, had thought all hope was lost, but I already knew that. Audrey had told me. She told me that he loved me very much. And she died so that I could live. She helped me get back to John. For that I will be forever grateful.
When I regained consciousness, I felt John's presence in the room before I even opened my eyes. And when I finally did get my eyes opened I saw his joy at my return. It was a joy that I have rarely seen in a man so best by tragedy in his life. It was then that I knew he loved me and not Dana. Of course he cares about her, she was his partner and is his friend. That's just the kind of guy he is-faithful, dependable, loyal, without guile, and comfortable to be around.
I had feared that he loved Dana even though he knew she only loved Mulder and could never return his affections. But something happened when John came out of that coma a few weeks ago. Something had changed in him and between us. I thought maybe he could love me as more than a friend which is exactly how I felt when I woke us to see his face anxiously searching mine and felt his hand grasping mine.
And yet now that I'm back things are returning to what they were before and all those doubts and insecurities are creeping back into my heart. Perhaps he only loves me as a friend. It should be enough. John's the best friend any one could ever hope for. That's why he inspires such devotion, such love. What it all comes down to is that I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all.
He is my guardian angel so to speak. His devotion and love helped get me back. And since I've gotten back he's been my constant companion. I can't seem to shake him. He was with me throughout my hospital stay. When I woke up he'd be there waiting for me and he was there when I would fall asleep. Anything he could do to make me comfortable, to help me, he did and more. And when they discharged me tonight, he's the one that brought me home.
Part of me thinks perhaps this means that he does love me, but just cannot get the words out. Another part of me reasons that John is just being a good friend and partner. Maybe he feels a little guilty at letting me drive off after he bought me a beer, which is ridiculous because I was perfectly capable of driving myself home. Normally I'm good at sensing things, on picking up on other people's feelings, but for some reason with John these past weeks it's like I'm blind. I don't know what he's feeling. Maybe that's because I'm feeling too much.
There's that saying that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they aren't loving you with all they've got. I know John is loving me with all he's got. I just can't get my heart to believe that he doesn't love me the way I want him to.
The End
"She cannot choose but love."-Shakespeare-"Venus and Adonais"
"Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear; /Where little fear grows great, great love grows there."-Shakespeare-"Hamlet"