The pokemon's very name sends shivers down every trainer's spine. We live in constant terror of encountering it in the wild. The man who sells it to us is a douche.
It is Magikarp.
This story is about a Magikarp. See, that much would be bearable. However, this Magikarp is especially sucky. This one, let's call him Brody, because that's a fairly douchy name (no offence to those with such a name) , was a douche. There are few words to describe him: douchy, douchebaggy, and douchetastic. In sum, he is a waste of space, better known as a douchebag. Let's get this f*ckery over with.
So, one morning, Brody was getting out of bed. Morning is wishful thinking. It was 5 pm. This was normal. As normal as his douchery.
"LOL mom make me a sammich" he yelled at his mother, who was vacuuming, washing dishes, dusting, and breastfeeding her newborn child all at the same time. (A/N: To preserve the douchery, I have attempted to replicate Brody's dialogue as well as I can.) Do not question how this was done. He flopped - quite literally - onto the tattered couch, his rear-facing baseball cap falling over his eyes. The television was blaring in front of him with a golf game, so he obviously wanted to change it to something decent, like gridiron football, or pro wrestling. Something intelligent, at least. He could have pressed button on the remote lying on the coffee table a foot away from his ha- uh, flipper. But no. Why would he do that? That would defy every douchy fibre of his being, which was all of them. so he swung his tail out haphazardly, successfully knocking the table down and sending the remote flying.
"Yo mam get da remote and werez ma sammich" His mother, a human being, bless her, shuffled into the living room, said "sammich" in hand. She bestowed upon him the sandwich and passed him the now cracked remote, pausing to stand the table back upright. Brody swiftly undid this.
"LOL mam STFU" was all the fish said as he stuffed his face like any douche would, but he somehow made it even worse. His mother's lack of communication continued. She stepped into her adjacent bedroom and pulledout a revolver, holding it to her head as silent tears streamed down her face.
The doorbell rang. She hastily shoved the gun under her pillow and slammed the door shut. Arceus knows what kind of scum was about its face when Brody was in the house.
"WTF cum in" said Brody. Two pokemon and a super cool urban black kid sauntered in after half of the wall was destroyed with a Hyper Beam launched from one of the boy's bling rings.
"LOL doods u r here" Brody fistbumped (as well as a fish can) the three visitors. The Scraggy spoke up first.
"LOL dude were jus gunna go on a advenshur" (A/N: The gang's dialect has also been preserved.)
"Dud LOL stahp spellin stuf rong" Brody replied. "IDK dood iz thar hawt babes" he queried.
"yo lotz & i herd thar iz monee 2 lolz" It was the Bellsprout who had spoken.
"#YOLOSWAG stfu Big Chainz" Brody snapped. The nickname well suited the plant pokemon, truly "blinged out". The Bellsprout did so.
"ok i wil go wit u guyz 2" The group, led by the the unnamed token minority who had no lines, stepped (or in Brody's case, flopped) through the gaping hole in the side of the house, towards "advenshur" and certain doom.
They never heard the revolver fire.
EPILOGUE
Arceus was sick of the extremely high levels of douchery. The great pokemon god shifted slightly and a chasm opened in the planet, with a craggy cliff right near Pallet Town. The aforementioned group fell off said cliff while walking along Route 1. The End. Thank Arceus that's over.