In My Mind
-
You know, you're beautiful. Maybe you don't think that I think so, but to me, you really are. Your strong jaw line, rose-tinted lips, million-dollar smile, perfectly shaped adorable nose, deep brown eyes...
I could go on forever.
There's nothing I would love more than to be able to sit with you and talk, to just listen to your deep voice and melodic laughter, even if you're only laughing because you've found yet another opportunity to tease me.
I wonder, could there be a chance that there is a part of you that likes me? That sees me as more than a source of entertainment? Sometimes, I see a different look in your eyes when you glance at me. There's no sillliness, idiocy, teasing.. but what is that look? I almost want to call it.. longing, or care, but maybe that's just me, and it's only what they call being 'blinded by love'.
There's a scary thought in itself. Am I in love with you, Daisuke? How would I know? I've never felt what it's like to be in love before, but I also know I've never cared so much what someone thinks before, or more specifically what they think about me.
You're looking at me like that now, I know. Out of the corner of my eye, from behind the safety of my gigantic drum set, I can feel your eyes on me and it's nerve-wracking. I want to know what you're feeling, what you're thinking, and if you get that same tensed-up, nervous feeling in your tummy that I get when I lookat you. I wish you would come say hello, start a conversation that doesn't consist of just 'Shinya, you're so skinny!', but it seems like that's all you know how to say to me.
Oh, and now practice starts again. Break's over. My hands grip my drumsticks tightly as I try to push these thoughts of you to the back of my mind. I'll think about them later tonight, when the temptation to just run up and throw myself into your arms is no longer there.
We play Vinushka. My arms automatically know how to move, when to hit the crashes, how fast and how slow. Drums are just a part of me, the only thing I've ever known to take my aggression out on. But today, I can't concentrate. I play the notes just fine, but I can't get lost in the music, because the thoughts of you are still here. I see you to my left, bouncing around with that energy you never can rid yourself of, even when you haven't slept in days. I know music is your passion, and it's the same with me. There's a bond there, isn't there Daisuke? Even if you tease me, constantly mention my weight, we share something deeper than that by creating this music together. I can feel a small smile tugging at my lips because of these thoughts, but I push it away, along with my thoughts of you for the time being, to concentrate on my drums.
-
It's two hours later, nine songs later, and practice is done for the day. You appear in my mind again, and I sneak a few glances at you as you tuck your guitar away in its case. This is the last time I'll see you until Monday, three days from now, and I let my gaze linger for a moment as if I could memorize your movements and body until I can see you again. You start to turn around and stand, and I quickly avert my eyes down to my drumsticks, beginning to pack them away in their case. I keep my eyes down, but my mind and soul are still focused only on you. What are you doing? You're walking over towards me, you never do that. My head stays lowered, I can't bring myself to make eye contact with you and I don't know what you're going to do.
"Shinya, you're so thin!"
I should've guessed that was coming. Is that all you came to say? It's all you ever say, I don't know why it would change today.
"How about... I take you out for dinner, so you don't starve to death. And.. we'll watch a movie after, if you want?"
Your voice softened, I can tell you're nervous but believe me, it's nothing compared to what I'm feeling. I look back up at you, and see that brilliant white smile paired with that gaze, the one I could never understand. But none of that matters right now. You're a mystery, Daisuke, and I can't wait to uncover all of the little secrets that you hold. I stand up and take your hand, and I smile the brightest I have in such a long time.
"I would love that, Daisuke, so much."