Boy Am I Stupid

Completed: 11/10/04

Rating:R eventually
Summary: When Donna gets asked out by a freshman congressman, Josh gets into some trouble. Set 4th-5th season-ish.
Author's Notes: This fic took on a life of its own. It was originally meant to be an angst fic about Donna getting asked out by a member of congress and then being sexually harassed by him. It's so not that now.

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Boy, am I stupid. I know this shouldn't surprise me; after all, CJ's informed me of it numerous times. I guess I just always thought she was kidding. But here I am, chasing Donna through the streets of DC, and I can't deny it any longer. I am in fact stupid.

It all started two days ago. I had a meeting with a freshman congressman on after school programs for at-risk students. While I was in my office on the phone, trying to figure out why his committee had sent him instead of someone with some amount of influence, Donna was keeping him occupied in the Roosevelt Room. When I walked in there a few minutes later, I heard him "explaining" something to her.

"…into high school programs earns money for the schools that they can use for other things."

Before I had the chance to say anything, she smiled politely at him and then went off in total Donna style. "And I'm just saying, it does no good to throw money at high school after-school programs if by the time a kid hits high school, he's an alcoholic, a drug addict, and has a felony record. You want to help kids; you do it when they're young. You need more money for elementary and middle school programs. High schools, as you said, can make their own money."

At these words, I cleared my throat, as both an indication that I was in the room and that Donna isn't supposed to be berating congressmen like that; after all, that's my job. I walked the rest of the way in the room and shook the man's hand, apologizing for keeping him waiting.

"That's alright Mr. Lyman. Donna was… keeping me entertained," he said with a smile in her direction. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"How have you managed to be on the Hill for three months without running into me?" I asked him. I'm under the belief that all freshmen, and most other congressmen are afraid of me. I have it under some authority that there's an informational meeting about me when they take office.

"Luck, I guess."

I couldn't help but smirk at that comment, but then I remembered my opinion-giving assistant, and looked over at her with a cross between a smile and a glare. "Are you done?"

She, of course, shrugged innocently at me. "He asked my opinion."

"Yeah, well, he won't make that mistake twice."

She didn't find the humor in that comment. In fact, she tilted her head and gave me an evil eye. "Are you going to fix it?"

Now, I had been looking for flaws in her argument all day long, since she had first bugged me about it at 7:15 that morning, but there was no denying that she was right. And that's what I told her… in my own unique way, of course. "If it means that you'll leave us alone and let us work, I promise that we will look into your little theory. Happy?"

And that was the end of it. She left to finish the research for the thing and Congressman Allen and I got to work. I immediately sat down and started scratching out crap in the draft he'd brought that we weren't going to agree to, so I admit, I wasn't paying close attention when he started talking. "She doesn't take crap, does she?" he asked.

I remember chuckling at that comment, but I was busy. I was in political operative mode. "Donna? No… she believes what she believes. If you want her on your side, you've got to convince her you're right."

"You say that like you've had to do it before." It hit me again at this moment that he was a freshman. Any one who'd been in congress for any amount of time already knew the answer to that one.

"Many, many times," I said. After that, he asked a few other questions, but I wasn't paying attention. It was already 7:30 on a Friday night, and I had plans with Toby to watch the Knick's game at nine. I just wanted to get done and get out of there.

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The next day pretty much sucked, and I admit, I was stressed. I had gone directly from senior staff to a meeting on the Hill that lasted for three hours. Donna and I were going to have to work through lunch, so I preemptively attempted to smooth things over by stopping for sandwiches from Sequoia's on my way back to the White House, but looking back, I was not mentally prepared for what had happened.

We were eating, we were bantering, I was trying to catch glimpses of her bra through the little holes between the buttons on her shirt, you know, typical office stuff. And we were looking for this 180 million dollars she wanted me to spend, when out of the blue, she told me that Brett Allen had called while I was out. I honestly had no idea who Brett Allen was, so I asked her.

"The congressman you met with last night," she said to me, reaching over and wiping the corner of my mouth with her napkin. At that point, I was too busy thinking about all the other things she could do to my mouth to really pay attention to what she was talking about. There was something about the committee and the conference call, and then, wait for it…"He also asked me to dinner tonight."

At this comment, I nearly choked on my water. "What?" I squeaked and she bit her lip, no doubt to keep from laughing at me.

See, we go through this every so often. You know, every time she gets asked out on a date. "He asked me out."

"What?" I asked again. I really couldn't formulate any other answers. What the fuck had happened? Hadn't this guy gotten the memo?

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Memo

To: All Congressmen, Senators, and other political personnel in Washington, DC

From: Joshua Lyman, Deputy Chief of Staff, White House

Date: Continuous

Subject: Donnatella Moss

Donna Moss is off limits to you romantically. She will officially be mine January 23, 2007. Until then, she is to be treated as though she already is. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

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"Men find me attractive, Joshua." She said this to me as though it had never occurred to me. Like I've been blind for the last five years and just hadn't mentioned it.

"Did you flirt with him last night?" I admit, this was a mistake. I all but shouted that at her, ignoring the fact that it no doubt went against any sort of employee/employer sexual harassment rules.

Luckily, Donna is used to my… how should I put this…childlike and barbaric behavior. "No," she said like she was talking to a five year-old.

"You did!" Another mistake. I shouldn't have asked in the first place, but then I went ahead and outright accused her of it.

"I do not flirt," she said to me in her stern voice.

"Oh, please," I said, waiving my arms around like some sort of mad man. "With your little pout, and your big blue eyes, and your innocent smile…" I simply couldn't shut up at this point. My mind kept screaming stop, stop, stop, but my mouth just kept going.

She took a deep breath; the 'I'm warning you' breath. "That's not flirting, Joshua, that's simply the way I look."

"And the whole helping the kids thing…" I yelled.

"That's just being a good person," she yelled back.

Then I started mimicking the flirtatious behavior she had displayed the previous night. Of course, I embellished this behavior by about 300 percent. "It was nice talking to you," I said in a girly voice. "The poor guy had no chance. You're like a black widow spider."

"Alright. You're gonna want to stop while you're behind," she said, standing up and starting to leave.

At that point, I tried to back peddle. "What? What'd I say?"

"You compared me to a killer spider." See, I was hoping she hadn't picked up on that.

"Well…"

She glared at me. "A nice, successful man asked me out on a date. I didn't put any sort of spell on him to get him to ask me out; he did it of his own accord. That being said, I'm leaving at 6:00 tonight." And with that, she left my office.

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So that night, I attempted to drown my sorrows in scotch. This never works, regardless of the brand, type, or amount of alcohol used, but still, I try. The goal, of course, is to eliminate any thoughts or images of Donna having sex with anyone other than me.

So during my…fragile state, I began replaying the conversation Congressman Allen and I had in the Roosevelt Room. "I'm surprised she isn't…I don't know…contributing more." I remember that particular statement because it struck me that he obviously hadn't understood that we were looking for 180 million dollars because of what Donna had just said. He had no idea of her value; I think few people do. Truth be told, when President Bartlet leaves office and she and I go off to find our next real thing, she won't be working for me, she'll be working with me. Hopefully, she'll be living with me, sleeping with me, and married to me too as well, but I didn't mention that to him.

Then there was the discussion of his top aide. "He's unhappy here. He wants to go back to Oregon and work in the state senate. He's just waiting until I find someone to replace him."

And later… "Your assistant's very intelligent and feisty. You're lucky to have her."

And just like that, I was in a great mood. It wasn't a date. He had asked Donna to dinner to offer her a job.

Now you might think I should have been worried about that, but I wasn't. There have been plenty of job offers for Donna, but she always stays. And I wasn't lying to, what's his name? Brett? What kind of name is Brett? Anyway, I wasn't lying to Brett when I told him Donna knows her value. She does. She has my ear and I have the President's.

So, the next morning when Donna came in, I was still in a great mood. Of course, I had a hangover, a huge one, and that's what I blame for the conversation that followed.

"Good morning, Donnatella!" I exclaimed as she walked in. I was dying to hear the details of the offer, even if she did use it to try to get a raise.

"Good morning, Joshua. Are you ready for your schedule?" she asked with a smile on her face.

"So, how'd it go?" I ask, wiggling my eyebrows at her.

She narrows her gaze at me. "How'd what go?"

"Come on Donna, how much did he offer?"

"What?" She looked at me confused.

"Allen. How much did he offer you?"

Her eyes got huge when I asked this question, and I thought she must not have known I would figure it out. "Offer me?"

"Yeah, how much money did he offer?"

"Money?" Looking back, I should have wondered at that point why she started raising her voice?

"Yes, money. In exchange for services, one offers money. It's the way the system works."

When I said that, she looked at me and smiled, and then she turned around and shut the door. "What in the hell makes you think you can talk to me like that?" she screamed once she'd turned back around.

Between the hangover and the…stupid-ness, I had no clue what she was talking about. "Like what?"

"Are you saying I'm for sale?" she yelled, slamming the calendar down on the desk with a rather loud thud.

"What? No! I don't think you accepted his offer."

"Oh, so you're not saying I could be bought, you're just saying that he thought I could be."

And that made perfect sense to me. Yes, I thought that he thought he'd be able to buy her away from me. "Yes. I just… it was obvious that he really wanted you. I figured he'd offer a lot. I'm not saying he thought you'd be cheap."

"This is not happening. Am I having a nightmare? This cannot be happening."

"What's the big deal? So he offered; you didn't accept, of course. I was just wondering if it was a good offer, if you were tempted, if you're going to use it to get what you want from me."

"If I was tempted?" she screamed at me, which physically hurt my head. Then she got eerily quiet. "What exactly would a tempting price be, Joshua?"

I shrugged; I didn't know how much the other job offers had been for. "I don't know. More than the other offers, I guess."

"The other offers?"

"Come on Donna, I know this wasn't your first offer. I hear things." When I said this, she took a deep breath and looked at me like she might actually hit me, so I back peddled once again. "Ok, ok. If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. I was just asking."

Then she looked down at the floor for several seconds, and I began to panic. I thought maybe she was thinking about taking the job. But finally she looked back up at me and calmly said, "I'm leaving now. I'm leaving and I'm going home. And I'm going to decide if I should sue you or just quit. And you aren't going to call me and you shouldn't bother apologizing, because I'm never going to forgive you. Goodbye." And just like that, she was gone.

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I chased her into the White House parking lot, but she refused to stop and tell me what the hell I'd done, so I did the only thing I could think to do in my hung-over, clearly panicked that she was leaving me state of mind. I got in my car and followed her. So, here I am, chasing my assistant, who I think just quit, through the streets of Washington DC on a Sunday morning, and I've decided that I'm screwed, but you already knew that, didn't you? You're one step ahead of me, well…at least one. And I'm…stupid.

So, I'm driving through the streets of DC and I'm once again reviewing the conversation I had with Brett, the wonder congressman, when I remember one small detail I had, in my inebriated state, blocked out.

"Is she seeing anyone?"

Now I admit, that question should have garnered some attention from me. I have no excuse for my lack of concern over a 37 year-old single, straight man asking about Donna's status except that…well, I assumed he'd received the memo.

Anyway, when he asked me that, I was busy looking for ways to get the money for this program she wanted. I like coming through for her, it's what I do. It's my way of saying, 'I love you.' So, I flippantly answered the man. "Donna? No." And then I went on talking about where the 180 million dollars was going to come from and the conversation continued from there.

And now I know. He wasn't offering her a job; he was asking her out.

And if he was asking her out, and didn't offer her a job, the conversation Donna and I just had made her think….yes, I'm stupid.