Sasuke was gay. This was irritating, Itachi decided. His little brother was the one who was supposed to carry on the Uchiha clan lineage, but noooo, he had to go shack up with that blonde demon.
Granted, the boy had taste. But that did nothing to disguise the shock Itachi received when on an average mission to retrieve the Kyuubi he was confronted with the sight of his only brother lying in bed, arms wrapped around his only target.
They had to be difficult…
Kisame asked him why he had returned from trying to get the blonde boy with an expression on his face. Kisame said it was very strange, as Itachi never showed expression, so something big must have happened. He then joked that maybe Itachi had realised his feelings for his little brother. Kisame woke up 2 days later, and realised Itachi did not appreciate the joke. In fact, Itachi does not appreciate any jokes. For he is cold and heartless.
Anyway, Itachi was now seated on a rock, in the middle of a desert, wondering what he was going to do. He had given Sasuke, like, 2 jobs. Kill me and carry on clan. But nooo…he had to be weak and gay. Bastard. So, that meant he had to have sex. With another human being.
Great.
He would not lay with any woman. They were too high pitched, and he had a tendency of getting annoyed during sex and killing them. Itachi had not been fully satisfied for many years now. No…he needed someone who he would not kill before climaxing…hmmm….
Okay, Itachi needed to be realistic. There was no way he could go through sex without trying to kill the person he was screwing…so…Itachi needed someone who could defend themselves when he tried to kill them…hey, it could be like a test. 'Block my attacks while I try to kill you during sex, and you get to father my baby'. Yes…that would work. He would need a strong male. There was no problems with carrying the child, as luckily many years ago, Itachi had found and copied a ninjutsu that allowed a man to get pregnant. He was now thankful he had gone through the trouble. At the time he was young, and not quite so psychotic, and had found it very mildly amusing. He didn't find things funny. Itachi was evil and mean. Things never amused him greatly. Only mildly. And that was usually only when people walked into doors.
Anyway, he needed a strong male. Wait a minute; this all meant Itachi was going to have to be…topped. Submissive. Weak.
Wait, Itachi couldn't do that. He would doubly kill the person trying to shove objects up his ass. He was very tight, he was sure. Would it fit?
That meant he was going to have to find an EXTREMELY strong person, who could hold him down while trying to screw him.
This complicated matters. Who? Who could be that strong?
He couldn't do it with someone in Akatsuki, that would just get awkward. Oh God…
Itachi glared extra hard in realisation and destroyed a hill.
He…could always do it with…a…former Akatsuki member…
But Orochimaru was creepy! And old…and…his tongue was like a snake…
Itachi shuddered and threw a kunai at Kisame.
No, Itachi had to be strong. He could do this…wait, could he do this? Could he get…up…to do this? Hey, it didn't matter if he was up or not. As long as Orochimaru was, everyone was happy (except Itachi, and Kisame who Itachi would take it out on. Kisame is Itachi's bitch).
Yes. He could be strong. He would find Orochimaru, do his little Male-pregnancy-no-jutsu, get Orochimaru to shove his snake up Itachi's ass (somehow. Itachi hadn't quite figured that part out yet) (Itachi then shuddered once again at the mere thought of it, and threw a spear (it was in his cloak) at Kisame, who managed to dodge it before falling into the hole where the hill was before Itachi destroyed it), and manage 9 months of pregnancy without killing the baby, then bring up the child.
Maybe he wouldn't have to do that. He could just dump it on Sasuke and his blonde bitch. Or was Sasuke the blondes bitch? Whatever…
Anyway, he needed to focus. He stood up and collected Kisame from his hole. They had a snake to find…
...well? This is a OroIta Mpreg...hmmm...strange...
It came about because one of my friends who watches Naruto said that if Naruto, Sasuke and Hinata had a child, it would be the biggest hell child ever. To which, I replied 'Errr...noo..., because Hinata's really nice, so is Naruto, and Sasuke is too...deep deep deep (deep) down.' Plus, 3 people can't have a baby. I then said the biggest hell child would be Orochimaru's and Itachi's spawn, something which my best friend had also said when I wasn't there. Anyway, the idea stuck.
Review? Tell me what you think, this is strange even for me... review!
