Disclaimer: As much as I love the Labyrinth universe, if it were mine, my head would probably spray confetti brain matter everywhere. I'd rather not clean up after it.

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"Dude…you really need to get laid. Seriously."

"Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt. Not playing anymore. Now, would you be so kind as to get the fuck out of here?"

Jareth, the Goblin King, was not in a good mood. In fact, other observers might have thought that he was tragically pining over the loss of an unrequited love, should they have been allowed in the King's presence. However, when this particular champion had wrested possession of her brother and even his heart from his unwilling fingers – before leaving him altogether, that is – Jareth felt ill-amused to humor any more guests.

So, wisely, most had decided it was best to honor the King's wishes.

All except one.

"Vlad, you heard me. Get. Out."

No, Vlad was a subject of a particular caliber. He didn't snivel, or grovel. Such things were beneath him. Instead, when faced by his liege (who he thought, by the way, was in serious need of a pity fuck), he stood his ground.

Figuratively, of course. With no floor to stand on, thanks to his majesty, Vlad had been forced to improvise and simply float in the free-falling throne room.

Well, maybe not floating. Vlad refused to call it that. He was levitating ominously. It was an art!

Still, he thought, I would appreciate a floor.

It was an accomplishment in and of itself that the castle was back together at all, but Jareth had needed his throne room to sulk properly. But seeing that a thousand goblins haphazardly floating around and colliding into one another was still less chaotic than the normal bedlam that reigned in the place, he neglected to replace the floor.

Much to Vlad's secret amusement. He enjoyed punting the Goblins around almost as often as Jareth did, and now he had free reign. His favorite part was the screaming.

Oh is it? Surely not, said the voice that, once upon a time, had been his conscience. It had become more…reasonable with the falling of years, but that didn't make it less annoying.

He looked down to find three or so goblins clinging to his foot, and smiled. Tallyho.

And he launched them off…

No, the screaming was definitely the best part. Goblins, to his dismay, were damn near indestructible, so their little cries of sheer terror was the closest Vlad could come to payback for the hell they had given him since his arrival.

Now, he thought darkly, grinning, if I could only do that to HIM…

Not advisable, cautioned his one-time conscience, kicking your liege lord and the elected King-of-Hell in the buttocks would definitely be considered 'treasonous activity'.

A pause.

"No matter how much it is deserved," it added thoughtfully.

So instead, he reasoned with the king. As if that ever worked.

"Highness," he started, feigning humility in the face of his liege. "Please, I only wanted to help. Look around you."

He waved his hands in a flourish, hoping to catch Jareth's attention. Which was completely ignored, seeing that Jareth had better things to do.

Like spying on a fifteen year-old girl through magic crystals.

Right…

So Vlad did what any more-than-slightly psychotic demon entity would do, under such circumstances.

He stole the crystal.

There was a reason the kingdom was currently experiencing a scarcity of more-than-slightly psychotic demon entities. Unluckily for Jareth, King of the Goblins, Vlad was a bit smarter than those who came before him. Already he had woven his way through the kingdom's system, making himself absolutely integral to the workings of it.

Hell, the only reason the goblins bathed at all was because Vlad and his two rows of razor-sharp teeth had, ahem, convinced them that it would be the right thing to do.

No, there would be no getting rid of Vlad. So Jareth, instead of having his goblins tear him limb from limb or even throwing him into the Bog of Eternal Stench, simply scowled and gave his least-favorite subject (well, except maybe Hoggle, that git) a death glare.

"Give that back, chap, and perhaps I'll see fit to leave you with your legs," he tried, flatly. The threat wouldn't work, he knew, but Vlad would be hard-pressed to deny a direct order from his sovereign. He would follow it, eventually.

"Hmm…how do you make this doohickey work?" said Vlad, ignoring the King completely. He was fiddling with the orb like it was some puzzle to be solved. "Never mind. I'll never quite understand why you enjoy playing with your balls so much when you could simply just go to her and – "

"Thank you for that suggestion. Now, may I…?"

Vlad tossed the crystal back to him carelessly. "Whatever. Have fun pining after some prepubescent girl. I knew better twelve-year-olds, back in my day."

"Didn't need the image, Vlad. "

"Oh please, don't look at me like I'm some pervert. Considering the jailbait I've seen you run around with when you played 'rock-star' a few years back. Besides, girls were having children that young, back then."

"Enough, Vlad."

"Of course with the mortality rate as it were, people HAD to fuck like rabbits – "

"ENOUGH."

"Fine, fine. 'Enough with the good-ole-days', I hear you. It just isn't as fun anymore, I tell you – but anyways."

Vlad straightened up as if he was shifting into a more serious discussion. His eyes narrowed and with that, the look of his face became vaguely unsettling. It wasn't a threatening look, per se, but there would be no more funny business.

"Jareth – look around you. Your subjects are in disarray. The labyrinth is decaying on itself, and there hasn't been a summoning in months. Your castle is almost falling down from beneath your feet, and all just because some girl and her silly imagination came trouncing through. How can you call yourself a king?"

Jareth seethed. 'You dare – "

"I dare. In fact, I have the right to dare considering I was once a lord myself, long ago. But enough of that. Get yourself together. I don't care how you do it, even if you go off on another ten year orgy spree. At least then I might be able to put your kingdom back together before you come back to wreck it again."

There was a very, very pregnant pause.

"One more thing," breathed Vlad wearily, "your royal mailbox has been lost again. I have reason to believe it has appeared, this time, in the Tree of Knowledge. Meaning I can't go near it."

But Jareth was lost in thought. Vlad, he supposed, was right. He was used to being lonely, annoyed, and miserable, so what had really changed? The girl bothered him greatly, to be sure. It had disturbed his equilibrium to know he could be so…disrupted, and his rule had been wrecked as a result. Which meant exactly one thing:

"Sire, are you even listening to me?"

He needed the girl.

"Oh, I give up. It's the middle of the day, and I'm tired. Wake me up if, for some reason, you regain your chaotic sense of sanity."

On that note, Vlad simply let himself fade from the throne room to wherever it was – not even Jareth knew for sure – he made his residence.

He probably should have stayed. If he did, he would not have missed the gleaming smile forming on his liege's face.

Jareth was a man (well, maybe man was the wrong word) determined. He was back.

And he would get his way.

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The Labyrinth was a creature of chaos, and everything, from the lowliest goblin to the King himself was a figment of it. It fed on insanity and unraveling wit that abounded, not only in its world but the one Above.

It would gorge itself with these things, the stuff of dreams and nightmares and, finding it could hold no more, spit it out en masse and send its grasp across the dimensions until, finally, its echoes would find the earth and live there. That was how the first demons were born and how still they were made.

But besides being such a mechanism, the Labyrinth was also supposed to be a kingdom, ruled by a king who presided, in an orderly fashion, over his duly obeying subjects.

Being a creature of chaos, however, made such matters a tad paradoxical in nature. Rule at best was disorganized and for most of its day, the Labyrinth was a center of literal pandemonium. The inhabitants found that, really, there was only one rule: do not upset the King.

Jareth, as he was called occasionally, was the sole creature of the Labyrinth he wielded any sort of real power. His capricious will may not have been law, but disobeying it found oneself headfirst in the Bog of Eternal Stench. Avoiding a first meeting with him was probably the smartest thing that could be done.

The Labyrinth was supposed to be a Kingdom. In the end it was only a cold mockery of one.

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A.N. Well! First fanfiction, as you might have guessed…or not. I doubt it was that good. Anyhow, did you like it? Hate it? Slightly disgusted by the mention of statutory rape? REVIEW! I MAKE COOKIES.

Oh, one thing: Vlad is supposed to be…creepy. And he does make a point about the under-aged…(I should probably quit while I'm ahead, right? RIGHT.)