Author's Note : This is a slightly AU fic, containing yaoi, implied sexual activities and violence. If none of this offends you, please read on. This is my first fic, but if you dislike it feel free to tell me. I promise not to cry (much).

An Unexpected Gift

Cloud, 22

There was a longing, deep inside his soul. Life may go went on, cities rebuilt and people healed, but this ache was eternal. Even when he decided to move on, things weren't that easy.

He didn't understand it. Grief, he could understand. He had felt guilt, anger and sorrow, all over the course of one insane year. Sometimes, it seemed as if he would drown in a sea of his own remorse, but no matter how bad he felt, he was always able to pull through. Just.

This was different. Daylight didn't banish it, happiness never fully replaced it. It felt like an old hurt, repressed but not entirely forgotten. A yearning for…something.

He shook his head. This line of thought was frustrating. There were no answers, or rather none he could remember. So much of his own past remained in shadow.

"Cloud?" Tifa's concerned tone interrupted his fruitless musing. He looked up at her. The bar was almost empty. Tifa had closed it earlier in the day, inviting only the rag tag members of Avalanche. They had all arrived. None of them would miss this.

"Yes?" he replied, attempting a reassuring smile. He knew that she worried about him. He could see the stress in the set of her jaw, the lines on her brow.

"Would you like a drink?" Tifa asked. Cloud shook his head. He had tried getting drunk once, to try and forget the sorrows of the past year. It had worked too well. He had lost all sense of self, getting muddled in memories that weren't his own.

"Alright, then," she said in a falsely cheerful voice. She left to get Barret another drink. He and Cid were already drunk. The two of them were reminiscing loudly. Cloud was glad Marlene was already in bed. It wouldn't do for her to see her foster-father acting like this.

"She was…she had class. Even though she was jus' a little girl in the slums, she had something..Shit, she was a freaking ancient. That practically makes her an angel."

"A sweet kid," Cid agreed drunkenly. "Damn shame. Deserved better."

She had deserved so much better. A protector who could actually keep her safe. A life of comfort, with the one she loved. He had taken that away from her. If Zack had been on his own, if he hadn't been dragging Cloud along, he would have survived. If Zack had survived, he would have saved Aeris. Cloud was sure of this.

"The death of an angel is a hard burden to bear," Vincent said, his crimson eyes staring directly into Cloud's mako-blue ones.

"Yeah." Another man would have told Cloud he wasn't to blame, but Vincent wasn't the type to preach forgiveness. Vincent's own guilt stretched on inside him, unabated.

The group suddenly fell silent as each member contemplated the beautiful woman who had been with them all too briefly. Each and every one of them owed something to the flower girl. She had been a living angel in a world of monsters.

She had been too good for him. She had been drawn to him, perhaps, but he had only been a shadow. A slip shod replacement for a hero. He would never be Zack's equal.

Everyone was staring at him. All those eyes, focused on him, felt invasive. He had to get away from their accusing stares.

"I'm going to bed now," he announced bluntly. He couldn't stand another minute of this.

"It's late," Tifa agreed stiffly. The other members began to make plans to leave. The mood was abruptly broken.

Cloud went straight to bed. He scrunched up into a ball, trying to hold himself together. His tormented thoughts swirled around his head, moving in fixed circles until he wanted to scream.

He had failed a beautiful woman and in doing so, failed a friend. If only Zack had taken someone else, anyone else, along with him. Or, better yet, left him in that laboratory.

Why had Zack taken him? Cloud thought they had been friends, but could only remember talking to him a handful of times. Why would Zack risk so much for someone he barely knew?

Maybe he had been the sort of person who couldn't leave anyone in trouble. That sounded right. It was the sort of thing a proper hero would do.

"It would have been better if I had died." He heard a shocked intake of breath. Cloud opened his eyes. Tifa was standing in the door way, her hands over her mouth.

She walked over to the bed.

"Don't say that. Living in the past, in the 'what ifs' and 'maybes' isn't helpful. You can't live your life like that." Gently, she sat down on the bed and began to rub his back, as if he were a child.

"No one thinks that things would have been better if he had been there," Tifa continued. "No one."

"Not even Aeris, or Zack?" Cloud asked bitterly. Tifa lay down beside him, thinking.

"I don't know about Aeris," Tifa answered honestly. "But I don't think Zack would do things differently, even if he was told the outcome. He was the sort of person who would have wanted to give you a chance, even if it meant giving his own life."

"I just don't think it's fair…" Cloud said. He turned so that he was facing Tifa..

"Life isn't fair," Tifa said. "You just have to keep on doing the best you can with what you've got."

With that, she kissed him. He wrapped his arms around her and returned the kiss. Just for a moment, her warmth banished the darkness inside his heart. For that moment, nothing else existed. Just her.

Two warriors stood, back to back, overlooking a desolate plain. Between them was a sword, its blade buried deep in the earth. The smell of blood and death lingered in the air. In the distance, the lights of a city long destroyed shone like an elusive beacon.

The rain fell from the heavens, the tears of the planet. Cloud remembered this place. He remembered the corpses which had lay on the battle field. He remembered his friend and his final request. He remembered the long walk, along the sand.

"I want to give you something." Zack's voice shocked Cloud. The sound of it, so near, was completely unexpected.

"A gift?"

"In return for all your pain and suffering. I want to give you a gift."

Cloud, 16

"Cloud! Hey, we're almost home!" Cloud felt himself being shaken gently awake. He felt groggy. The events of the previous mission were swirling around in his mind.

He must have passed out, then, during the mission. He'd been trying to delay Hollander. He'd wanted to give the SOLDIER some time. Zack, that's right. The SOLDIER who'd been looking for Genesis.

They'd run into more then they'd bargained for. He was sure if Shinra had realised they would run into both of their missing First Class SOLDIERs they would have sent better men.

Instead, the only back up Zack had been given was a couple of infantrymen and the leader of the Turks, who was more suited to espionage then outright combat. In the end, Zack must have been on his own. Clearly, they were okay now. What had happened?

Cloud groaned. All this thinking was making his head hurt. He'd never passed out before and as far as new experiences went, he was not enjoying this one. He sat up slowly.

Looking around, he noticed he was pressed up against the back of the helicopter, away from the others. Zack was looking at him worriedly.

"What happened?" Cloud asked.

He saw Zack exchange a glance with Tseng, who gave him the nod. Were they planning on keeping him in the dark, or would he find out the truth?

"Angeal's dead." The words were delivered flatly. Looking at Zack, though, showed what he was truly feeling. His jaw was clenched, his shoulders tense. Something had gone wrong, then?

"Looks like we finished the mission," Cloud said nervously. Not really 'we', he added to himself. No one replied.

Zack turned away and looked straight ahead. His eyes were darker then normal, closer to black then blue. The effect, combined with the swirling green of the mako in his eyes, was striking.

The helicopter began to descend.

Looking out he could see Midgar from above. From here, it looked almost beautiful. The green lights reflected off the dark metal, giving the buildings an eerie glow.

Almost beautiful, but not quite. It was too sinister, filled with secrets and unchecked ambition. It would never match the natural beauty of the mountain ranges Cloud still called home.

"Secrets within secrets," said Zack, as if he was reading Cloud's mind. Cloud looked up. The SOLDIER's fists were clenched tight in anger. Cloud wondered who he was angry at. Hollander? Genesis? Angeal? Or just Shinra in general?

The helicopter shuddered to a stop on Shinra's private landing space. It was quite literally the top of the city, overlooking Midgar's 'top plate'. It was a statement more then anything; no one overshadowed Shinra.

Cloud had never known any other reality. To him, it was the natural order of things. If he wanted to get better, if he wanted to really get stronger, he had to work for Shinra. That was the only way.

"Wait," said Tseng commandingly. As leader of the Turks, Shinra's special SOLDIER-recruiting division, Tseng had authority even over Zack. Not official authority, maybe, but everyone knew that the Turks did more then just recruit for Shinra. Blackmail, spying, assassination; no job was too dirty for a Turk, as long as it was off the record.

"What?" Zack sounded oddly narky. His once friendly tone was gone. Even his stance was different. At that moment, Cloud realised that he never, ever wanted to antagonise this SOLDIER.

"You understand, the happenings of this mission are entirely confidential. You are to tell no one what happened without official company clearance. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," Cloud replied quickly. He could have figured that out without being told. He was pretty sure that scientists conducting human experiments and SOLDIERs mutating into monsters was not something Shinra wanted to be public knowledge.

Zack's reply wasn't quite as nice.

"Yeah, sure, I'll keep the company's precious reputation safe." With that he left the helicopter. Cloud followed him out, wondering whether he should run after him.

It was a silly impulse. What could he possibly do or say in this kind of situation?

The answer was nothing, but at the same time Cloud couldn't just let him run off like that. The look in his eyes was dangerous.

Before Cloud decided on his course of action, the SOLDIER turned around. Zack paused for a moment.

"You did well, back there," he said at last. "I enjoyed working with you."

Before Cloud could object – he'd passed out, after all – Zack was gone. He wondered where the older boy was headed, but decided it was none of his business. It was not like he was ever going to see him again, anyway.

He felt slightly disappointed. It had been nice, just for a second, to talk to someone who really seemed to understand him. Just for that one moment, they'd shared…something.

Ludicrous, really. Zack was a soldier, an elite. He had much better things to do then hang around with little boys who couldn't make the cut and passed out during important missions. What could they possibly have in common?

Cloud went up to the main barracks, deciding he'd have a warm shower before bed. He thought about going to the medical centre but decided not to. Neither Tseng nor Zack seemed to think there was anything worth wrong with him and his headache was beginning to recede.

The barracks were crowded when he arrived. Rambunctious young boys ran around, partying for the night. Those people who weren't on duty but didn't have leave all hung around in their room.

Jeers rose up as Cloud entered. Some of them were good natured, most of them were not. Cloud had thought his social problems were just the result of his standing in his home village, but it seemed like no matter where he went, people were determined to hassle him.

'Not Zack, though,' Cloud thought as he grabbed his Shinra-issue pyjamas. Loneliness suddenly overwhelmed him. For a single moment he wanted nothing more then to be cuddled up in bed, listening to the distinctive sound of the mountain winds.

He went the bathroom, craving privacy and company at the same time. The heat of the shower dispelled some of his misery. He blamed his nostalgia on his still-muddled state.

Relaxed and suddenly sleepy, Cloud decided he would quickly check if he had any mail before turning into bed. He felt a sudden need to communicate with home and his mother didn't have a cell. He would just have to hope for a letter.

Luck was on his side. A single white envelope was resting in his pigeon hole. He clutched it close to his chest, knowing from unfortunate personal experience that people would try to steal it. Having his mother's private correspondence read out to the whole dorm was not his idea of fun.

When he was safely settled into his bunk he pulled out his private reading light. It had been the first thing he had bought on his pittance of a wage. The rest of it he had sent home to his mother, in the hopes of providing her with a better life. When she had asked about it in the next letter, he had told her it was only a fraction of what he earned.

Dear son, she wrote, I hope all is well. It is winter up here in the mountains. The cold seems to pierce my bones fiercely this year. I swear this is Gaia's way of reminding us that we are merely guests, living on her surface.

Still, it is beautiful. I have lived on the mountains too long to surrender my glorious white winters. I think you would like it at the moment, too. You always did love the snow. I'm surprised you didn't freeze solid.

Tifa has been asking about you, lately. I tell her about all the places that you have been. She really seems to enjoy the stories. Maybe she would like to move out into the world, but is nervous about offending her dad. I think she should go. You are only young once and it is up to her to live her own life.

Missing you as always.

Letters from home always felt bitter-sweet. The mission had filled his mind with doubt and confusion over the workings of Shinra, making him miss home more then ever. Even so, he could not regret leaving.

He was still working towards his goal. If Tifa was asking for him, it only proved that he needed to work harder, so he could become someone that had the strength to protect her. A hero, just like she wanted.

Cloud pictured snow storms and comfy houses in an effort to chase the monsters from his mind. Eventually, he was soothed into a deep sleep.