Renee, The Bridezilla (NE)

(Here's a mini fan-fic to elaborate on the idea of Renee being a "Bridezilla.")

November 2004

Renee had talked Jack into the whole idea of getting married and he consented because he didn't want to mess up yet another relationship.

Renee: "Oh Jackee-poo our wedding's gonna be FAB-U-LOUS I just know it!"

Jack: "Uh well Renee you know my policy of keeping a low profile about it all."

Renee: "Okay hunny bunny I'll be a good girl."

Jack: "All right you better. I have to go to England for Peele's funeral, and I guess Swank's getting married over the weekend too, so I'll be staying for that."

Renee: "Okay. Ooh a funeral and a wedding how sweet! Ooh that's just like Hugh's film 'Four Weddings And A Funeral' but instead of four you're just going to one. And oh I loved that film!..."

Jack: "Well don't get any ideas that you're Adie McDowell."

Renee: "No I'm not, I'm better because I won an Oscar! Anyway too bad but I can't make it to your friend's wedding because I still have to go to a few premieres with Hugh to 'Bridgit Jones 2.' "

Jack: "Yeah you and Hugh, like two peas in a pod."

Renee: "Well you're certainly one to talk! You're still close to...er...'whatsherface'?"

Jack: "Who? Do you mean Meg?"

Renee: "Yeah her. Why is she going to the wedding for your friend? You now how I feel about that."

Jack: "She might be, and there's nothing wrong with that."

Renee: "Well you better stay out of trouble as well. Anyway I might call you with details about our big event, if I find any good ideas."

Jack: "Okay, just be reasonable. I'll see you in a few days."

Renee: "Fine love, see you la-ter!"

Jack leaves for his trip to England, meanwhile Renee gets to work calling caterers, florists, her friends back home.

A few days later, Renee calls Jack (who is still in London with Meg) to tell him all of her plans...

Renee: "Ooh hi Jackee poo, did you miss me?"

Jack: "Yeah a little, how are you doing?"

Renee: "A little? You should miss me more than that!"

Jack: "Fine then, a lot. I missed you a lot."

Renee: "Better! Anyway here are my plans; We're going to get married either on the 10th or the 25th of Dec. down at my parents place. I've already spoken to Carolina Hererra and she's agreed to make and exclusive wedding gown for me in ivory silk, with a cinched waist like Dior's "New Look" from the 1950s, but with a 20ft train. Carolina even said she could make you a matching tux or she can work with Michael Koors or Oscar De Lorenta for the tux..."

Jack: "A matching tux?"

Renee: "Of course! And Carolina even said she could incorporate a St. Lucinda wreath of candles into my veil if I wanted, but I'm not sure. I was thinking something more along the line of a tiara...maybe a veil like Princess Diana had!"

Jack: "Princess Diana?!"

Renee: "Of course! But anyway I've also arranged to have a stringed orchestra play the processional music. I was thinking of having hem play Purcell's "Trumpets Voluntary" of course for the main processional, but for the oratory I'll have Concertos (after Vivaldi) Brandenburg Concertos, Beethoven's "Ode to Joy", Handel's "Water Music" and Marcello "XIX Psalm". Plus have Cecelia Bartoli sing Mozart's "L'Amero Saro Costante", though I could always hire Shania Twain to sing "From This Moment."

Jack: "But what about one of my songs?"

Renee: "I hadn't thought of that. Would they fit? Anyway, while the orchestra is playing the music, I'll have my friend's daughters as the flower girls spreading out a million red rose pedals on a white mink carpet that I'll have spread down the center aisle. Then will be my ring bearers, my bridesmaids & maid of honor, escorted by some decent guys that I'll help you find. Then I'll walk down the aisle in my beautiful custom gown, and my diamond encrusted Manolo Blaniks, escorted by my father." "Then we'll have the ceremony, with vows personally composed by each of us, I'll sing a solo, then after the ring ceremony, the kiss and pronouncement, our guests will release the 3,000 butterflies I have ordered for the occasion."

Jack: "A million red roses? A white mink carpet? Diamond encrusted Manolo whatevers? Three thousand butterflies?"

Renee: "Then we'll be escorted to our reception where we'll drink out of champagne flutes with 'J & R' engraved on them...'JR' I wonder if the spread that played 'Southfork' on 'Dallas' is availible? My it'd be F-U-N fun to get married at 'Southfork' don't you think? Why we could make it just like Lucy Ewing's wedding! I wonder if Larry Hagman, Linda Gray, Patrick Duffy, Victoria Principal, and Charlene Tilton are availible and would like to attend?..."

Jack: "What?! Renee I don't know about a 'Dallas' themed wedding..."

Renee: "Well we'll talk about that later. Anyway I've gotta run, so I'll talk to you later hunny bunny."

Jack: "Yeah we'll talk. Bye Renee." "Argh!!"

Meg: "Something getting you down Jack?"

Jack: "Yeah something called 'Renee the Bridezilla' totally planning out our wedding with little imput from me. Oh yeah she wants this huge to-do in Texas with mink carpets and millions of roses and a stringed orchestra, and maybe even a 'Dallas' theme now! "

Meg: "Aw poor boy."

Jack: "Whatever happened to having just a simple wedding in Detroit with a few friends and family? A ceremony like that. A ceremony like..."

Meg: "A ceremony like we had?"

Jack: "Yeah something like that! It worked well for us...at least for awhile. "

Meg: "Aw it's okay Jack to think about those days. It's only natural because that's what you and I both have to compare to. Anyway when's Renee planned on having her grand festivities?"

Jack: "She said either the 10th or the 25th of December.

Meg: "So soon? Hey the 10th is my birthday, that won't work...at least for me."

Jack: "Yeah I know, and I was uneasy with that date as well, but it's Renee..."

Meg: "And what Renee says goes, I know."

Jack: "Ah I'll have a talk with her about it."

Meg: "Alright then, good luck."

Jack: "Thanks, I think I'll need it!"