***I wrote this story not in the hopes that you'd like Cullen or my Warden, but in the hopes that maybe you can understand why someone might. Life is complicated. When we are young we can't wait to grow up, but when we are older we wish we could go back.*** rights were applicable to Bioware/EA***

Intro:

Cullen does not know why he came. Kirkwall, years later, remains in shambles, and Starkhaven demands fealty like never before. The prince, or more so the king, had been a good man. They had talked in the Chantry, and Cullen had offered him condolences. Now he demanded that someone pay for letting Hawke and the apostate bastard go, and that someone was Cullen. He slumps down in his seat, but his armor is uncomfortable, so all he can do is lean forward and bury his face in his hands. Starkhaven's ruler wanted to avenge Elthina, and that made perfect sense, but what was Cullen to do? If not for Hawke his men would have slaughtered every man, woman, and child in the circle regardless of whether they used blood magic. Not that they didn't come close. The number of dead was staggering and in that first year it wasn't all from the fight and the rebellion.

~~~ Part 1: The Initiate

"Sir, come quick!" The young initiate, whose name slipped his mind, stared at him wide eyed from the doorway to Meredith's—no, now it was his office. He stood, and before he realized his hand was on the hilt of his sword. Mages had been escaping or outright rebelling left and right. Just last week a group of mages threatened his templars without fear. Four of the mages were struck down and two were made tranquil. By the time he had even arrived to the dining hall it had become a case of he said she said. The mages insisted the templars acted first, but every templar in the room said otherwise. He had to stand by his men. There could be no weakness in the order in front of the mages. None. Yet Cullen knew the truth behind the mask of strength and order, perhaps they all did. Chaos had become their way of life.

The two templars ran down the hall toward the mage dormitory. The sound of their armor clinking at every joint echoed throughout the gallows walls. They were emptier than they used to be, and even compared to when Meredith had confined the mages to their rooms. The silence shouldn't have unsettled him as much as it did, but it stung into him. Many evil mages had been killed, but how many innocents had fallen?

No weakness.

"What is it?"

"You have to see for yourself, sir. It's ...Enchanter Eldora and Apprentice Nella."

Cullen chose to ignore the young man's pained expression as he said the last mage's name. He hadn't been made a full templar yet, but every hand was needed. Perhaps it was a good thing. Cullen remembered that look, back in Ferelden after she left it greeted him every day in the mirror. Shame coursed through his veins and he shook off the thought. He had heard the names of those mages many times before. Meredith had warned him to watch Eldora; She was kind to everyone who was not a templar and openly flaunted her support of the libertarians. Meredith had no proof, but was certain she was a blood mage. Meredith knew it was in her heart, but Cullen never thought it so. He had heard what made Eldora so bitter, and even he could not blame her for wanting to be free of Chantry oversight.

When he first came to Kirkwall, Eldora nearly beat a templar with her bare hands because he had forced himself on a mage. Only Orsino had saved her by telling Meredith what had happened. It was the only time Cullen ever saw Meredith take pity on a mage, and only then because Eldora hadn't used magic.

They came upon the only room with an open door. Two men stood outside the door, shaking their heads besides two of the few remaining senior enchanters. They glanced at Cullen, their faces grave. The young man went forward stopping short of the door, lowering his head, Cullen brushed past him into the room. The sight before him froze his feet, and stilled his breath. Eldora's limp form hung from the rafters, spinning listlessly in the drafty room. Her graying curls fell about her head obscuring her once severe eyes. On the bed lay Nella, her red hair strewn about her head, melding into a puddle of blood that formed a crown, and a necklace across her open neck.

"She killed the girl and hung herself. Fifth one this month." Sage, a templar only a few years his senior sighed. "Daft woman." Despite his harsh words Sage's tone was soft, as if he couldn't manage any other words.

"No. She saw where things were headed. People are still calling for the right of annulment...her friends and lover were dead or made them tranquil," Senior Enchanter Beaumont sighed. His thick Orlesian accent peppered every word, as though he were speaking a eulogy. Cullen recalled Eldora favored one of two the mage's he had made tranquil. He would see them talking in the halls, or eating beside each other.

"Rumor was that she would be next." Senior Echanter Lauren's her sky blue eyes looked to Cullen, as if now was the time to confess his sins.

"What? No! I was going to have her transferred to the Circle in Ferelden. Eldora crossed a good many templars, and tempers here are running short..."

"Maybe she knew that. She'd rather die than be separated from her daughter. It was an open secret...if not for Eldora's family and Meredith's...sympathy. They'd been separated long ago."

Cullen stepped forward, a quiet sorrow settled in his chest. Nella had begged him to talk to Meredith the day before the battle. She wanted to read for the children and see if a hall could be cleared for games. The young initiate began to recite the chant of light, and Cullen's heart stilled. The boy revealed too much. He struggled to keep his voice steady with every word. Except for himself and Lauren everyone shifted uncomfortably, lowering their heads. Sometimes he wondered what he would have done if he had found her dead in some corridor during Uldred's attack. His heart would catch in his throat, and as he stood there he knew he'd be no different than the boy behind him. Mages or templars, no one deserved to die before their time. Everyone lost something in the rebellion.

"For there is no darkness, nor death either, in the Maker's Light,"

"And nothing that He has wrought shall be lost." The words left Cullen's lips with such ease the realization that he's spoke at all threw him off guard. He did not turn to the young man, nor did Cullen flinch.

As the two men continued Cullen heard the boy's voice become more steady, even as Cullen felt his innards quiver. "Draw your last breath, my friends, cross the Veil and the Fade and all the stars in the sky. Rest at the Maker's right hand, and be forgiven."

Hours later Cullen sat behind his desk, trying to relax. It felt wrong to be in Meredith's place. He didn't know how to do anything from there. The nobles were screaming, the people were fuming, and the mages were all, but openly declaring themselves free. Even those who weren't still suffered the glares of templars, glares that even Cullen struggled to restrain. "Mages, even good ones, can fall to the forces of evil..." Yet the most destruction he had ever seen had come from Meredith. Mage or templar...evil dwelled in the corners of the heart.

"Sir," The young man from earlier stood in the doorway, his shoulders heavy with sorrow. Uncertainty marred his expression, and he seemed as if he expected to be dismissed.

"Come in," Cullen paused drawing in a breath, "It is Gavin, isn't it?"

"Uh, y-yes, sir." Gavin stood before Cullen's desk. Every time he met his gaze Gavin glanced away in nervousness. "I came to apologize-"

"At ease. If this is about earlier do not think on it. "

"Thank you, sir, but it is not only that." Gavin drew in a deep breath, his hands were shaking just a little, but for the boy's sake Cullen pretended not to notice. What could possibly be troubling him so badly?

"Well?"

"I wish to resign my post and submit myself to whatever judgment you see fit."

Cullen raised a brow at his words uncertain of what punishment he thought he deserved for his feelings. In truth Cullen wasn't certain either, but it could not be just that troubling Gavin. His words were so vague, but Gavin straightened his posture meeting Cullen's eyes.

"What on Thedas for?"

"Before her," Gavin paused, shifting where he stood. " Before her death, apprentice Nella and I had an inappropriate relationship. I met her shortly after my training began, she was selling wares with some of the tranquil mages in the courtyard." Gavin's dark eyes softened, and sympathy washed over Cullen. Those were contentious, but happier days. "After the destruction of the Chantry our relationship became...intimate in nature."

Some people pulled away under duress, but for others it brings them closer. Cullen almost envied the boy, for he had known companionship and love few of the order ever really did. Yet his position was that of judge and jury. Gavin and Nella committed a serious offense, and fate left Gavin alone to suffer the consequences. Still why should the boy speak out after her demise?

"Why come to me now?" Cullen laced his fingers together, never taking his eyes from Gavin's face. "Nella is dead and while you were...overly emotional today that was not grounds for anything more than suspicion."

"Knight-Commander," Cullen still half jumped at the title every time he heard it, but he remained still as Gavin gathered himself. "I have struggled these past several months with this. I betrayed my training, and my own morals because Nella had the virtue of Andraste herself. The only reason I remained silent was to protect her. "

For some reason, adrenaline began to pump through Cullen's veins and he felt his heart thump against his chest.

"You could have requested to be stationed elsewhere."

"No, my mother and father live in Kirkwall and they need everything I earn."

"Plenty of us send coin to our families." Cullen's parents had long since been dead, but no one needed to know that. Gavin was just making excuses to write off his accursed fascination with some mage.

"It's more complicated than that, Sir."

"How?" His tone was scathing, and Cullen searched for why. The man had the decency to be honest with him, but at any moment his attachment to that girl could have cost others their lives. Cullen rose to his feet, casting a penetrating glance into the man's soul. He was weak, a poor excuse for a templar. He couldn't see mages for what they were. They were to be protected, but rarely trusted and never let in. When a mage was let in a templar would be faced with impossible temptations. "You fell for the pretty face of a mage, a woman who was not only a danger to herself, but to others. Did you not think that could cloud your ability to perform your duties? What if the order called upon you to strike her down. What would you hav-"

"Nella was with child." Gavin was on the verge of breaking down into sobs. Regret grabbed at Cullen, twisting his stomach up in knots like a sickness. "She had been ill every morning and in the day, but she was happy. With the confusion I hoped we could leave Kirkwall. It took me weeks, but I convinced her of it, but Eldora would not have it." Gavin's hands were balled up in shaking fists by his side, and his voice was strangled by his own turmoil. If Cullen had been more like Greagoir he could have found the right words and the right action, but his thoughts failed him. "She believed I took advantage of her Nella, just like Nella's father did to her, but I loved her." Cullen could recall how the blood-mage Jowan and his friends would stare him down after to talking to Surana. Every time she turned away a group of Surana's friends would throw steely glances, as if have suspecting him to pounce on her at any moment. They never understood how he felt about her, yet he was her jailer. Eldora, Jowan, and anyone worth their own sanity would assume the worst."I thought maybe I convinced her of that, but after last week. When the libertarian mages tried to convene, when Ser Talbot struck down those four others. I was there and did nothing, and she saw... She must have...I don't know, but now they're both dead."

Cullen moved from behind his desk next to Gavin. He place a hand on his shoulder. Elthina said the maker moved in mysterious ways, but was that it? Did that justify anything? The young man came before him seeking punishment for events he could not control. He had committed a sin, just like Cullen, but what punishment could the Chantry contrive worse than the torment Gavin already put himself through.

"Go, pray" Cullen lowered his voice, but he gazed at Gavin with sympathy. "For the Makers forgiveness, and for the souls of Nella and your child. And if you find it in you...Eldora as well. We will talk in the morning. "

Gavin managed a nod and turned towards the door. Cullen's heart was still beating hard in his chest, as he said, "I cannot give you the punishment you seek. Eldora acted on her own accord, and that had little to do with you."

"Sir, I...what do you do when they are gone?"

Cullen swallowed, the rumors still made their way around the gallows. Well, they weren't rumors if they were true, but he and Meredith worked very hard to keep them that way. What was the point of hiding his secret anymore? The boy probably felt some sense of comradeship, a sense that Cullen knew something about loss. If he could help him then why hide.

"...The hardest part about surviving where others died is the living, and the hardest part about losing someone you...you love is the learning you're still alive."