Big Brother Solid

Yeah it had to be done. I had to rip the piss out of big brother and stuff. WOOHAHA. P.S I have no idea when Big Brother 7 starts so don't hunt me down and kill me nor do I know the names of any contestants.

May 19th(I think) it is the launch day of Big Brother 7 and 11 of the contestants have arrived in their luxury Limo's and performed their grand entrances into the house. All accept the 12th contestant. A UPS truck turns up and the deliveryman gives a huge package to the security guards, the security guards then deliver this huge package (it takes at least six of them to carry this thing and it's being carried like a coffin) to the big brother house, the guards then hurl this package down the stairs and slam the door behind them. As the package lands groans from inside could be heard.

Package: Talk about a rough ride.

Inside the house the contestants are getting friendly with one another, six women and five men two of which are possibly gay.

Tannoy: This is big brother could one of the contests go to the Diary room.

Bald man: Oooh me I'll go.

The bald man goes to the diary room and sits down on the weird chair thing that looks like summat from an alien planet.

Big brother: Hello there Carl

Carl: hello big brother how can I help?

Big Brother: A package has been delivered, it is waiting in the entrance of the house and we would like you to retrieve this, however we have placed the fellow contestants into the bedrooms in order for the package to be safely delivered.

Carl: Right!

Outside the contestants have been placed into the bedroom, bewildered and confused.

Big Brother: Carl please go and retrieve the package.

Carl gets out of the chair and walks out of the diary room, he wonders to the entrance of the big brother house and opens the door.

Carl: Holy shit that package is huge

Carl drags the package into the house.

Tannoy: This is Big Brother the bedroom is now open. You may leave the bedroom.

All of the contestants charge out of the bedroom and circle round the package in front of Carl.

Mark (blonde spiky hair blue eyes and is about 6ft 1"): Dude What the hell is it

Alice: (Long blonde hair, blue eyes about 5ft 6" and 34E is wearing a black hat) I don't know wonder what happens if I tap on it

Alice taps on the box and grumblings could be heard

Package: That's my bloody head you moron

James (Brown short hair, green eyes about 6ft) oooh I think I know what it is.

All contestants: WHAT?

James: An answer machine

All the contestants look at James with eyes that suggest they are saying " Oh my god ain't it that bloody obvious to him, MORON"

Alice: Go back in your corner Freak

James: Yeah well go suck your thumb

Mark: That doesn't make sense.

Package: Oh God will you just let me out of the box.

Carl: The Box is talking

Michelle: (Short brown hair, brown eyes 5ft 3" and is a 36C) It's a talking parrot

Bruce: (Black man big muscles short black hair brown eyes and is 6ft 6") Nah I'm saying it's a human

Max: (Long blonde hair, Green eyes and is 6ft 2") It is a man who comes with great trouble

Blank looks all round

Max: Okay the bloody box is a human who is bloody annoyed

All: OOOOOOOOOH

Geri: (Long ginger hair, blue eyes and is 5ft 7") If it's a man I hope he's fit

James: So do I

Alice: What did I tell you to do?

James: Yes ma'am

Package: (very annoyed) GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS BOX!

Jenny: (Long brown hair green eyes 5ft 3" can't be bothered with the boob size) Think we should do, as the box would like us to do.

Pam and Sarah: (One has long black hair the other has a blonde long hair, both have blue eyes and stand around 5ft 4") Open it, open it claps hands and make stupid tittering noises.

Mark: Okay then if that's what you guys want.

All: YES!

Alice hands Mark a knife from the kitchen, Mark pierces the outer packaging.

Package: MIND WHERE YOU PUT THAT!

Mark: Almost there

Alice: grabbing the flaps of the box On the count of three Mark

Mark: Has the other flap Okay, One…………

Alice: Two………

Mark: Three…

The package splits open and inside is the last contestant, Yeah that's right it's Solid Snake, he's wearing a black t- shirt and blue denim Jeans and black trainers

Snake: Could you just explain something to me please?

Alice: Sure

Snake: WHERE THE FUCK AM I?

Mark: Don't you know?

Snake: Know because one minute I was asleep in my house and the next I'm here, so no I don't know

Carl: Welcome to the Big Brother House

Snake looks at everyone around him with a blank look.

Snake: Your Joking right?

Tannoy: This is Big Brother could Snake please come to the diary room.

Snake: looking a bit pissed off Nope your not joking

Snake gets up from the remains of the cardboard box he was in and potters to a door.

Alice: Snake that's the fridge

Snake: Yeah I knew that wonders to another door

Mark: That's the cupboard with the Hoover in it.

Snake: Yeah I……….

Everyone looks at snake.

Snake: Okay where is it then?

Alice grabs Snake by the arm and leads him to the diary room.

Alice: It's here, okay, no where else but here.

Snake: Yeah I gathered now you sarcastic Blonde bint

Alice: Well at least I don't look like I rolled out of a trashcan

Snake: smiling I like you

Alice walks away from Snake bewildered

James: I'm gonna grab his clothes tonight and wear them and…

Alice and Mark: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Carl: It's okay James I understand

Max: Tension of the force that unites two people is strong between you.

James and Carl look at max with blank looks

Max: You know what I'm just going to shut my mouth.

James and Carl still look at him with blank looks.

Max: OH FORGET IT!

Inside the diary room Snake is sitting on the weird Alien chair thing with a camera and microphone in front of him.

Big Brother: Hello Snake

Snake: Your just a Camera, I am not talking to a poxy camera.

Big Brother: How was your journey?

Snake: I am not talking to you.

Big Brother: How are you finding the other housemates?

Snake: What did I just say?

Big Brother: If you have any problems then please come to the diary room and discuss them, or if your just wanting to randomly discuss something then please use the diary room as well as your housemates.

Snake: I AM NOT TALKING TO A CAMERA

Big Brother: Voice turns into a psychotic Robot voice THE POWER OF THE CAMERA IS MORE POWERFUL THEN YOU CAN IMAGINE!

Snake: Okay I can see I'm going to have enemies.

Big Brother: normal Scottish man Thank you Snake you can leave now your suitcase is in the bedroom.

Snake: Right I think I shall.

Snake walks out of the room and back into the living quarters where he is witnessing Alice and Max fighting with the bits of cardboard, Carl crying, James sniffing the wallpaper (don't ask) Michelle and Geri drinking all of the wine and falling over, Max meditating, Jenny betting with Bruce who will win between Mark and Alice and Pam and Sarah combing each others hair.

Snake: I'm in hell.

Find out how snake will cope with the pressures of being in the big brother house and if the cameras try anything to kill him plus if James ever gets the chance to understand Max's wise words.