I Just Call You Mine

Disclaimer: The Voyager crew doesn't belong to me.

"I can't do it!" The tired, angry words were accompanied by a data padd that went sailing across the room, hit the wall, and clattered to the floor just as the doors to her quarters slid open and she stepped inside. She glanced down at the padd and then over to Chakotay who was half out of his chair, frustrated tears trailing down his cheeks. He pushed back from the table and escaped into the bedroom before either she or Tom had a chance to say a word. And what was there to say? Sometimes it was best to let him calm down on his own.

She moved over to the table as Tom stood. "Has he been like this all afternoon?" she queried, hoping that they'd been able to accomplish something during the therapy session.

Tom shook his head. "No, just the last half hour or so." He looked toward the bedroom, guilt and concern evident in his blue eyes. "I shouldn't have pushed him so hard."

Kathryn instantly placed her hand on Tom's arm, drawing his gaze back to her. "You have to. Remember what the Doctor said. If we want him back, then we have to push him. And I do want him back. All of him." She glanced back over her shoulder. "And I'm willing to lose a few data padds along the way if that's what it takes."

Tom relaxed at her words, letting go of a deep breath. He felt the tension that had been building along his shoulders begin to recede, and he smiled at her. "I am, too." He knew she was right, but still… "Sometimes I just wish that… it wasn't so hard. I mean, some things come easy, but most of what he's relearning is really frustrating for him. I hate to see him get upset."

Kathryn reached out and took hold of his hand, squeezing it gently. "I know how you feel. Most days I feel like a wicked witch because I have to make him do things like get dressed, or take a bath, or use a fork… and don't even suggest he use his napkin - some mornings that alone can cause a major meltdown." She strengthened her grip on Tom's hand. "But I keep doing those things because someday he's going to do them without my help, just like he's going to read, and write, and program the computer because of you. I appreciate all that you're doing for him. And he may not say it, but he appreciates it, too. I can't begin to tell you how much he talks about you after you're gone. Tom did this, and Tom did that. You might as well have hung the moon."

Tom sighed. "Well, maybe not the moon… a star or two. He just likes it when we take out one of the shuttles. We didn't go anywhere today. He probably just wants to get out of here. I think Neelix is making pizza for dinner tonight. You might want to eat in the mess hall."

"Sounds good to me. I'm tired of burning replicated pot roast!"

Tom laughed and turned toward the door. "Well, if I don't see you at dinner, then I'll see you on the bridge in the morning. B'Elanna's going to take Chakotay to the holodeck for some hoverball. He'll like that."

"I know he will. Thanks again," she squeezed his hand one last time, and then watched as the doors closed behind him. They were lucky to have Tom as a field medic and a friend.

Turning, she walked into the bedroom and headed for the wardrobe in the bathroom. Chakotay was standing by the bed, staring out the viewport as the stars raced past. She didn't say anything, just went about her usual routine. She left the door open behind her. From the moment he returned to their quarters, she was determined to maintain the same routines they'd always followed. She didn't want anything to seem different or out of the ordinary for Chakotay, no matter how different he might be. She shrugged out of her uniform jacket and hung it in the closet and then bent over to unzip and remove her boots. She peeled off her socks, pulled off the grey turtleneck, and threw them into the recycler. Then she unhooked and lowered the black pants, and pushed those into the recycler as well.

"'m sorry." The words were whispered softly behind her, and she turned to find him leaning in the open door. His face was still wet with tears, and he rubbed at his eyes with the back of his fist. He chewed on his lower lip, and she could tell that he was still upset - nervous, embarrassed, unsure of her reaction.

"It's all right," she smiled softly at him, hoping to reassure him. "Sometimes when people get frustrated, they throw things." Clad only in her bra and panties, she crossed over to the dresser and rummaged through a drawer until she found a pair of cream-colored, loose-fitting lounge pants. She pulled them on and then found a matching blouse; it was long, and flowing, and open at the top. She buttoned it as Chakotay continued to watch her. At first, she wondered what he was thinking whenever he watched her dress or undress. But she was fairly sure there wasn't anything sexual in his gaze. He knew they were married, but the doctor assured her that he wasn't truly aware of what marriage entailed. In his mind, he simply belonged with her, and other than the gentle kisses that she occasionally pressed to his forehead or cheeks, and the times when she held him in comfort, there was no physical side to their relationship. He didn't see her as a woman or touch her in that way. She was just the person who took care of him.

"You don't throw things," he murmured with a shake of his head.

"I've been known to throw things in the past," she claimed, walking over to him and placing her hand against his cheek. "Everyone gets frustrated, Chakotay. It's part of life. The hard part is learning how to control it."

He sighed, and she felt him press into her touch. "Tom says I have to concentrate."

"He's right. The more you concentrate, the more you'll learn."

"And the sooner I'll be him again." Chakotay's dark eyes stared into her grey ones. "I want to be him again."

Kathryn sighed, and rubbed her fingers along his cheek, and then up over his eye, tracing the lines of his tattoo. The Doctor said that he was aware of what he'd lost, of the man he had been. Chakotay thought of his former self as someone other than himself, someone that he wasn't, but would be again.

"You are my Chakotay," she assured him, holding his chin with her fingers, "and I love you, just the way you are." She pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

"But I can learn more," he insisted, the familiar set of his jaw steeling beneath her touch.

"Can't we all," she agreed, pulling her hand away from his face. "Come on." She pushed her feet into a pair of flat slippers and reached down and grabbed his hand. "I don't feel like burning a pot roast tonight. Tom says Neelix is making pizza for dinner in the mess hall. How does that sound?"

He grinned back at her, all concern suddenly dissipating, as the dimples that she loved so much formed around his lips. "Sounds good!"

And he pulled her eagerly out of their quarters, into the corridor, heading toward the mess hall. He led the way, still holding tightly to her hand, guiding her through the ship.

At first, this had all been a confusing maze for him - the corridors, decks, and turbo lifts - and he had been frightened, only venturing forth with her or Tom. Then he allowed B'Elanna or Neelix to take him places. And now, if they let him, he'd wander the ship alone, confident in his ability to find his way from one place to another. If they let him, which they didn't. He was never alone. Not that she didn't trust him - she just never wanted him to be lonely. It must be lonely enough already to have lost so much of himself. And, truth be told, he didn't seem to mind the company. He'd become fairly social in the weeks since his accident; he usually enjoyed spending time with members of the crew. Kathryn smiled as she hurried to keep up with him. And they enjoyed their time with him. He wasn't the same man he had been, but he was still Chakotay - funny, playful, full of energy and daring, and inquisitive. Unless he got overly tired, he loved to learn new things, go places on the holodeck, play games, even shoot pool at Sandrines - although Tom did have to alter Sandrine's program. She was a bit too attentive to Chakotay, and he wasn't sure how to handle her advances. All he wanted to do was play pool, not ward off compliments and caresses from a hologram.

And now, all he wanted was to get to the mess hall in time for pizza.

"Slow down, Chakotay," Kathryn laughed, tugging on his hand, slowing his pace. "I'm sure they'll be enough pizza left. Besides, there's no telling what Neelix has put on it this time."

Chakotay stopped suddenly at that thought, his brow knitting in concern. "Maybe mushrooms," he said hopefully.

"Or it could be leola root," Kathryn ventured.

And Chakotay's eyes grew large at the idea. "No," he said forcefully, continuing on, "no leola root."

"Well, maybe Tom convinced him to forego the leola root for more palatable choices."

"Yeah, like mushrooms," he grinned, quickening his pace again.

Kathryn smiled. Despite his earlier frustration, he was like this most of the time - positive, hopeful, trusting - almost childlike in his innocence. She wanted to shield him from every possible disappointment - data padds that didn't do what he wanted them to, unwanted pizza ingredients, the glances from concerned crew members. They meant well, and it's not like they stared, but Kathryn saw the look in their eyes - that knowledge that Chakotay wasn't who he had been and may never be that man again. But as they entered the mess hall, she tried to push those concerns away - except for the pizza; mushrooms did sound a lot better than leola root.

~vVv~