Author's Note: This is supposed to be a funny story, but it WILL have some serious themes. There WILL be pairings! They include but are not limited to DeiSaku (dont care that its non-cannon, I still LOVE IT) Pein/Konan, and some other maybe.
I guess that in this, Konan and Deidara are pretty much main characters. I love torturing Dei, by the way. MeheheHAHAHA cough cough cough
I already have an ending planned out and everything, so stay tuned! I'm known for me fast updating. :3
PLEASE REVIEW! EEENJOY
Chapter One
RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
"Red Alert?"
"What's that supposed to mean, yeah?"
"Guys!" Kisame shouted, running past Sasori and Deidara's room. "We're under attack!"
"What?" said Sasoi, confused. "What idiot would try and attack the entire Akatsuki base?"
"One that obviously knows that we don't know what to do when a red alert comes in." said Itachi, walking calmly after the frantic Kisame.
RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
"Wait a minute!" said Deidara. "We haven't practiced for a red alert yet?"
"I don't think we've practiced for any alert all." Sasori said quietly.
The Akatsuki base suddenly shook as it was bombarded.
RED ALERT! RED A-"
crackling.
"Hello, everyone." said Pein's voice over the intercom. "Since it has come to my attention that no one knows what to do during a red alert, I, uh... Don't... Know... Either. Wait. Oh. Oh well."
"Give me that!" they heard Konan say as she snatched the microphone away. "What Pein here meant to say was, everyone evacuate the building and meet up with all the other Akatsuki so we can regroup and move onto another location. Thank you."
The intercom cut off.
Dust fell from the ceiling onto Deidara's head as the building trembled again.
"Getting out seems like a pretty good idea right about now, yeah!" he said, and he and Sasori ran out the door of their room.
They encountered a scene of complete chaos.
Kisame was running in circles screaming his head off. Itachi was walking after him quietly telling him to calm down.
Hidan was cursing wildly as his partner gathered up his money.
"Will you forget about the xxxing CASH?" Hidan yelped angrily.
"No." was Kakuzu's simple reply as he scooped up handfuls of the green and stuffed them into his robes.
Zetsu's halves where arguing with each other again.
"The exit is sooo that way!" said White Zetsu.
"Of course not, fool!" said Black Zetsu.
"Yuh-uh!"
"Nuh-UH!"
Konan was standing in the middle of the whole scene, an apologetic smile frozen on her face.
"Please, everyone, calm down...!" she said. She whirled towards Pein, who was moping around in the corner doing things like sighing and shaking his head somberly.
"Where is the EXIT?" she hissed.
"I don't know." he said mournfully. "What's the point anyway?"
Konan's eye did a nasty twitchy sort of thing.
It took Deidara thirty whole seconds to break down.
"I don't want to die, yeah!" he sobbed, curling up into a little ball on the ground as he shook wildly. "I never wanted to kill anyone, what did I do to deserve this?"
"There, there." said Sasori, leaning down and patting the distressed blonde on his head.
"Oh, for heaven's sake." Konan said with a sigh.
That was when the building exploded.
"Ugh..."
"oh..."
"ow, it hurts, it hurts...!"
"XXXXXXXXiNG XXX! OH XXXX! OW! IT XXXXiNG HURTS!"
"We're..." said Sasori. "We're alive?"
"We're alive." Pein echoed. Everyone sat up, checking themselves.
"We're ALIVE!" Deidara exclaimed, and he flopped onto the grass laughing.
"Get up." said Sasori.
"Oh, and I will, yeah!" said Deidara. " And I can... Because I'm ALIVE!"
Sasori gave him a stare and he sat up, turning red.
"But how?" said Pein.
Konan lay panting on the ground.
"Konan!" Pein shouted, running to her.
She turned over, staring up at his worried face.
"Teleportation... Jutsu." she huffed. "And all of you... Are... Heavy!"
Pein helped her up.
Hidan finished his cursing rant. "So what now? Where's the next nearest base?"
"Yeah, I'm hungry!" said White Zetsu.
"You're always hungry." Black Zetsu muttered.
"Next... Next base?" said Pein.
"Please oh PLEASE tell me you at least prepared another base!" Konan begged, her face falling.
Everyone turned to Pein.
Pein looked at all of them.
"What?" he said.
Deidara sat down on the ground, drawing his knees up to his chest.
"We're all gonna die now." he said mournfully. "All I wanted was to make art, yeah."
"No, don't... Worry..." said Konan. "It'll all be okay if we just stick together and make another base! We just need... Teamwork and-"
"Does someone need a hug?" said White Zetsu, slowly opening its plant jaws as he sauntered forward.
"AAAAH!" Deidara screamed, falling backwards. He stuck his hand into his clay pouch.
But it was too slow. Zetsu launch himself onto Deidara, his plant jaws snapping.
"Zetsu, no!" Pein shouted. "Someone, do something!"
"I'm on it." said Kakuzu. His hand shot out as he seized Zetsu, pulling him off.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" said White Zetsu. "I was just so hungry..."
"Deidara!" said Sasori. He ran towards him.
"Oh dear." said Konan.
Deidara stared straight ahead, his eyes wide as he sucked in shallow breaths. The front of his shirt was drenched in blood.
"Okay, see what happens when we don't work together?" said Konan. "We've got to-"
"You hungry IDIOT!" shouted Black Zetsu. white Zetsu broke into tears.
"Never mind." Konan said. "Who here knows healing jutsu?"
There was a long, awkward silence.
Deidara sat up.
"I HATE you all!" he shouted, standing up as he winced in pain. "Ow...! The pain...!"
"Oh, you don't know pain, believe ME!" Pein thundered.
Some of them groaned. Sasori helped Deidara up.
"Not with that again." said Sasori. "Please, spare us all."
Pein gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. "Why, you-!"
"Stop it!" said Konan. "We're all in this together, we've gotta work to-"
"Such immaturity." said Itachi. "Like little children, all of you."
"Hey, we're mature!" said Kisame. "Except for Sasori, he's all young n' stuff."
"I'll have you know," said Sasori indignantly. "That I am older than I appear-"
"You can't hide what's inside!" White Zetsu taunted.
"Look who's talking!" Black Zetsu snapped. "The king of immaturity himself!"
Konan sighed, walking over to Pein who was muttering to himself angrily.
"Get them to sit down and shut up." she said. "Now."
Pein looked up. "But how am I-"
"JUST. DO. IT." Konan seethed. She walked past him and whirled around, crossing her arms.
"Um... er..." said Pein. "Everyone, listen up!"
They all turned.
"Let's build a campfire and, um, talk about out feelings?" he said, turning to Konan for approval. Konan deflated, rubbing her temples.
Everyone looked at each other, then at their leader.
"Are you feeling all right?" said Kisame.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
And yet, thirty minutes later, they were all sitting around a crackling campfire.
They shot suspicious glances at each other. Konan clapped her hands.
"Okay!" she said. "We'll state our reasons for joining Akatsuki. Why do YOU want to rule the world? If you have anything to confess, or you want to say something, say it!"
Someone mumbled something about alpacas.
Deidara fiddled with his bandages.
"Deidara, you go first." said Konan. "Why did you-"
"Because you IDIOTS forced me!" he shouted. "I don't wanna kill anyone, yeah, get that into your puny heads! I don't wanna be in Akatsuki, or rule the world! I've been controlled all my life and this is no exception. I HATE YOU ALL!"
And with that, he crossed his arms stubbornly and looked away.
Some of the Akatsuki shifted uncomfortably.
"Ooo...Kay!" said Konan. "Uh... Kakazu, your turn!"
"I like money." he said simply.
"But if the world is controlled by us, we won't really... need any of that money, will we?" said Sasori.
Kakuzu sat there for a while.
"Oh." he said.
He sat there for a little while longer.
"Oh." he repeated. "I just need... Some time to..."
He fell over and curled into a small cloaked ball.
Konan tried a reassuring smile. "Okay, Hidan, why do you want to rule the world?"
"I want to kill people for Jashin and live forever!"
Kakuzu looked up. "Why?"
"Because I'm XXXXXXX ANGRY!" he shouted.
"What does that have to do with anything?" said Itachi.
"I'm ANGRY so I wanna KILL PEOPLE and rule the... the..."
he stopped.
"Well." he said weakly. "it does sound... Sort of stupid... When you put it like that..."
He stared straight ahead, a look of complete loss of purpose on his face.
"And... living forever..." he whispered. "Why..."
he gulped.
"Aw, XXXX." he said, falling over.
Konan decided that this was not going well. She decided to pick in one of the least insane members of the group.
"Sasori!" she said cheerily. "Why did you-"
"ALL RIGHT!" he shouted. Everyone jumped.
"OKAY! I'LL ADMIT IT! I'm NOT... REALLY..."
he shrank down.
"A puppet." he finished weakly.
"Deidara's head shot up. "Wha?"
"Yes, it's true, I've been using a youth jutsu all this time!" Sasori babbled. "And- and I can seal my human body in this- heart thing- but I can turn into a human at will!"
"Why on earth," said Deidara, "would you want to keep your human self?"
Sasori bit his lip.
"Because," he said, "If I could't be human... I'll never know what it's like to... Um... you know, have-"
He stopped
"Oh." said Konan, nodding. "Okay, that is perfectly normal!"
She nodded a few more times, just to get the point across.
"So why did you join?"
"Because I want my art to be appreciated forever." said Sasori.
"But don't people run away when they see your art and stuff?" said Deidara.
"Yes." said Sasori.
"So no one really likes your art." Kisame finished.
"Yes." said Sasori. He rethought it. "No."
"Aren't people supposed to appreciate art that you make?" Kakuzu said.
"Yes." said Sasori. He rethought it. "No. Maybe."
He sank into a thoughtful pose that would make The Thinker jealous.
Konan was deciding what do do next, when she heard Pein speak.
He had his head propped up on his hands. She could feel he was thinking something, something that was troubling him.
"Kisame." he said quietly. "Your turn."
"Well, I wanted to live in a world of truth." he said. "Because my life is a lie! Everything's a lie! Even-"
Something hard slammed into the side of his head.
OW!" he shouted. "Hey, what was that fo-"
"Kisame," said Itachi, putting his fist down. "Did that hurt?"
"Yes!" said Kisame crossly. "In fact, it hurt a LOT and I'm very-"
"If your life is a lie," said Itachi. "If it's all sort of a dream... Then why did that hurt?"
Kisame stared at him.
Itachi stared at the ground.
Kisame's arms dropped to his sides.
Oh." he squeaked, and then he fell sideways, stiff as a board.
Everyone stared at him.
"Itachi." said Pein, pulling their attention away from the shocked blue man. "And you?"
Itachi's eyes darted from one side to the other. He sank into the collar of his robe.
"No reason." he said.
"Why?" Hidan complained. "Tell us the XXXXiNG reason!"
"Language!" Konan warned. " But why did you, Itachi?"
Itachi sort of sank further into his robe, or cloak, or whatever it was.
"A reason." he explained.
They all stared at him expectantly.
"What was the reason?" said Sasori.
"YOU CAN PROVE NOTHING!" Itachi hollered. He fell over backwards.
"It was to watch over my brother Sasuke." he groaned finally.
"Oh." said Konan. "Well. Uh, it's okay! Because you still helped our cause... Or something..."
"You really think so?" said Itachi.
"Su, why not?" said Konan. "Anyway... how about you, Zetsu?"
"Chewy people!" White Zetsu said in a singsong voice."
Deidara shuddered.
"What he meant to say," said Black Zetsu, "was that it's simple: If we rule the world, we get to eat more people."
"That's really disturbing, yeah!" said Deidara.
Zetsu licked his lips as he stared at the sulking blonde,
And that was when Zetsu launched himself onto Deidara.
"AAAAGH!" Deidara yelled.
Zetsu's plant jaws closed. Pein leapt to his feet.
Deidara thrashed in the darkness, struggling to get out.
He suddenly something wrap around him.
It squeezed, pressing over his face. He couldn't breathe, only start to cry loudly, unheard, as he felt the plant organ squeeze him with it's squishy, wet walls.
"Spit him out, right now!" said Konan.
"Why should I?." said White Zetsu.
"Yes, he's quite chewy." said Black Zetsu.
"Where is he?" Pein said.
"Oh, somewhere inside us!" said Zetsu.
"Spit. Him. Out." said Sasori.
"Oh, all right." said Black Zetsu. His jaws swung open and Deidara fell out.
"Light!" Deidara sobbed, shaking.
"Are you all right?" said Konan.
"I hate you all, yeah!" Deidara shouted. He tried to crawl away, but collapsed.
"Did any of us actually think this through?" said Pein. "Ruling the world? How's that supposed to make peace?"
"I guess you're right." said Konan.
They sat quietly for a while.
"So what the xxxx are we supposed to do NOW?" said Hidan.
Pein sat down. He appeared to be thinking.
They waited.
And waited.
Kisame started humming the theme for Jaws. Unfortunately, since it's only two notes it started to get really annoying.
He stopped humming, to everyone's relief.
"Pein?" said Kisame.
"I'm in my happy place." said Pein. "Where there's no pain. Just happiness... and... and..."
he sighed.
"Unicorns." he finished.
There was a silence.
"He's lost his sanity." said Itachi.
"Pity." said Kakuzu.
"Hey, if we don't need him," said Black Zetsu. "Can I-"
"He is NOT crazy!" said Konan, stepping in front of him. Pein glanced up in a passive sort of surprise. "What we've gotta do is build a new base while we figure out what to do!"
Most of them were looking at her by now. Deidara was making birds. The birds all faced Zetsu, who's white side was staring back at them in sad, hungry shame.
"Now, I know," said Konan, looking around. "That we can't go back to our villages. Even though we've lost our purpose, which they were against. So we just have to figure out a new purpose, or a solution to this problem of ours. For now, we stick together and survive. We don't even know where we are. Okay?"
Everyone muttered in agreement.
Konan sat down heavily as the rest started to discuss building shelter. Pein sat next to her.
"Where's the confidence you showed the others just now?" he said.
She looked at him sadly.
"I was the one who teleported us into the middle of nowhere." she lamented, putting her chin in her hands. "I could've teleported us somewhere else. Somewhere we own. We would never have lost our reasons for staying together,or- or be stuck here-!"
"But our purpose would have been a wrong one." said Pein. "In fact, we wouldn't have gotten out of there in time if it wasn't for you."
Konan turned to him, and he took her hand. She blushed. Pein wasn't usually the one for reassurance...
"You saved our lives." he said, softer now. "Thank you."
"Y-you're welcome." said Konan, her voice barely a whisper, and then Pein stood up to help the others gather wood.
Konan sat for a while, staring after him as he walked away.
She stood up and went after him. He turned as she caught up.
"I'll help." she said.
Pein nodded. "This is probably going to go wrong, though."
"Oh, I don't mind." said Konan.
They walked into the
rowd of waiting, arguing Akatsuki members.
