Disclaimer: Tenchi, Ryoko, Ayeka, Sasami, Washu, and other concepts from "Tenchi Muyo!" are Copyright AIC and Pioneer LDC. Lina, Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis, Naga and other concepts from "Slayers" are Copyright Hajime Kanzaka, Tommy Ohtsuka, and Rui Araizumi. This work is a parody and not to be used for any commercial purposes.
No Need for the Lord of Nightmares
"So what the hell is going on here?" The red-haired sorceress shouted, blasting a zombie.
"I
wish I knew!" yelled the dark-haired youth, dispatching a skeleton
with his energy blade. "Perhaps you can explain?" He directed his
question at the man in the old-fashioned naval officer's uniform. "Actually,
yes." The man answered, firing a beam from his cane. "But let me
do it on the move. We have to pick up your friends, and quickly."
The group of five began to run down the brick-paved street, fighting
off monsters as they went. "This city, and the entire planet, is in
the final stages of being taken over by the evil being Amaroth, to
build his dark army for even further conquests. To stop this, there
is a planet-cracker bomb set to go off in twenty-five minutes."
"Oh,
no! The whole planet will be destroyed?" said the girl with the
light blue hair.
"I'm
afraid so, Princess." replied the man. " But already the only
ones on it worth preserving are you and your friends. If we can get
to the station in time, we can take the Galaxy Express off the planet
to safety."
"Okay,
but who are you?" queried the sorceress.
"Right.
Some introductions." said the man. He indicated the sorceress.
"Princess, this is Lina Inverse, sorcery genius." He waved toward
the tall, blonde-haired swordsman. "This is Gourry Gabriev, her
protector and wielder of the Sword of Light."
"Pleased
to meet you." Gourry's energy blade shot out, and the remaining
two lizard-men beat a hasty retreat. "Are you a real Princess?"
"Uh-huh,"
the girl nodded.
"Lina,
Gourry," the man continued, "this is Princess Sasami of the House
of Jurai, and this," he indicated the youth with the other energy
blade, "is Prince Tenchi Masaki, of Jurai but also of Earth."
"Uh,
could you call me just Tenchi? I'm still kind of uncomfortable
about the royalty part."
"Certainly."
replied the man. "As for myself, I am Commodore Cotu, owner of the
Galaxy Express and former ruler of this world."
"Now
we're getting somewhere." said Lina, somewhat mollified at being
described as a sorcery genius. "Amelia and Zelgadis should be
looking for old books, but this is a very modern city."
"Modern?"
Tenchi looked confused. "It looks more like the late Victorian
era."
"I
think we should pick up Mihoshi and Washu first." suggested the
Commodore. "Let's hope Mihoshi hasn't gotten lost."
"She
does have a remarkable talent for it." admitted Tenchi.
But a
few moments later, the sound of blaster fire came from the next
street over. As it continued, high-volume female screaming was added.
"That's Washu!" Sasami exclaimed. "We have to help her!"
The
party raced around the corner with Gourry and Tenchi in the lead. But
their swords were not needed just then. The five pulled up at the
sight of a small marketplace, which had clearly been the scene of
combat. One of the stalls had fallen into smoking ruin, and several
more showed numerous holes. In the middle, a young blonde woman
dressed in a cross between a superheroine's costume and a Playboy
bunny's outfit was swinging a large blaster rifle. Close by, a girl
with a shock of red hair even wilder than Lina's was hugging the
pavement, and making her unhappiness loud and clear.
"Mihoshi,
will you put that thing away!" yelled the girl, in a deeper voice
than would have been expected. "There was only one of them!"
"Yes,
you can stop shooting now, Mihoshi!" Tenchi called.
The
blonde pointed the blaster rifle downwards, bringing a yelp from the
red-haired girl when she realized it was now aimed directly at her.
"Ooops!" said the blonde, and managed to swing it to a safer
angle.
"Lina,
Gourry," said the Commodore, "This is Mihoshi Kuramitsu, Galaxy
Police Detective First Class, and this is Washu Hakubi, the greatest
scientific genius in the galaxy."
"The
greatest scientific genius in the universe!" corrected Washu,
coming to her feet.
"Isn't
that a bit unlikely for a twelve-year-old girl?" Lina could not
help noticing that Washu resembled her too closely for comfort.
"Oh,
well, it's so nice of you to say so," Washu acted coy, "but
actually I'm twenty."
"Millennia."
The Commodore clarified.
Washu
gave him a withering glare. "And who might you be?"
"That's
right, I hadn't finished my introductions." The Commodore
introduced himself, Lina, and Gourry, and then proceeded to explain
about Amaroth and the imminent destruction of the planet. Mihoshi
looked horrified, but Washu nodded thoughtfully.
"I
knew something was up when the baked goods vendor turned into a
warrior drone." she said. "All right, how much time do we
have?"
The
Commodore brought out what looked like a pocket watch, but on closer
examination had several active displays. "Twenty-one minutes. I
suggest our next stop be the bookstore two blocks that way."
However, as they emerged
at one end of the street, a new set of monsters rounded the corner at
the other end. Seven rabbits bounded into view, some grey, some
dappled, and one all white.
"Oh, cute!" Sasami
exclaimed.
"Cute? They're
deadly monsters!" said the Commodore. "On your guard, everyone!
And don't--"
But the rabbits sprang to
the attack before he could complete his warning. Two of the dappled
ones headed for Gourry. In a blur of motion, the swordsman sliced
them both in half. He turned to face the remainder, but behind him,
four quite healthy rabbits picked themselves up from the ground, and
got ready to strike.
"Blast Ash!"
Lina's spell reduced the rabbits to cinders just in time, slightly
singing Gourry's backside.
"Don't hit the
dappled ones with swords!" resumed the Commodore. "They
divide in two. And don't let the grey ones--"
A grey rabbit hopped to a
point level with Mihoshi's face, and exhaled a cloud of gas.
Mihoshi's eyes rolled up, and she folded unconscious to the pavement.
"Mihoshi!"
Tenchi leaped over to cover the blonde, his sword cleaving the grey
rabbit.
"Don't let the grey
ones breathe in your faces!" the Commodore picked up again, and
this time managed to add, "And-the-white-one-attacks-really-fast!"
Washu had fired a ray
from her glove, dispatching the last of the dappled rabbits. Now the
white rabbit moved with breathtaking speed, seeming to ricochet off
lampposts and building walls as it looked for an opening. Suddenly
everyone realized it was heading toward the rear of the group to
attack the weakest member. Sasami cried out as the creature rocketed
towards her throat, its jaws opening to display razor-sharp incisors.
But the teeth closed with
a clang on the knobbed end of the Commodore's cane, a handbreadth
away from Sasami's neck. "Gourry! Batter up!" called the
Commodore, and whipped the rabbit off the end of the cane. The
creature flew at chest level just to the side of Gourry, who beheaded
it as it passed.
Holding
their breath, the group quickly disposed of the remaining grey
rabbits. Washu ran over to the fallen Mihoshi. "She's just
asleep." The red-haired scientist sniffed the air around
Mihoshi's mouth. "Ether! Those were Ether Bunnies?
Who in Hell creates these things, anyway?"
The Commodore maintained
a rigid poker face.
"I can carry her until
she wakes up." Gourry offered. Noticing how well Mihoshi filled her
skin-tight outfit, Lina looked highly displeased.
"No need." Washu
raised her hands, and a translucent keyboard appeared just under her
fingers. She tapped three strokes, and a similarly translucent bell
appeared over Mihoshi's head, to be struck repeatedly by a
hammer-wielding crab. Mihoshi's eyes opened dreamily.
"Ooooh…are the
bunnies gone already?"
When the group arrived,
the scene inside the bookstore was one of devastation. Books of every
size were strewn around the shelves and floor. Loose pages floated
here and there, and one entire rack tilted at a crazy angle. A
dark-haired girl dressed in plain light brown clothes was wringing
her hands and protesting. "But Zelgadis, you
really shouldn't…the locals will think we're barbarians…"
she looked up to see Lina enter. "Lina! Zelgadis is tearing the
shop apart. Please, make him stop!"
The man who was rifling
through the shop's wares looked up. Like the girl, he was wearing
plain clothing, but there the resemblance stopped. In fact, he didn't
even look human. He looked more like a stone statue come to life. His
skin was bluish grey, with dark bumps, like aggregate set into
concrete. Even his hair, on closer examination, was more like fine
metal wires.
"Zel," said
Lina, "something's come up. We're leaving town, right away."
Zelgadis looked resigned.
"What did you blow up this time, Lina?"
"I didn't do
anything!" Lina said with an annoyed expression. "Well at least,
not at first."
"Everyone," said the
Commodore. "The gentleman is Zelgadis Greywords, sorcerer and
swordsman under a curse, and the lady is Princess Amelia Wil Tesla of
Saillune." He quickly explained the situation to the two.
"Oh, I wondered why the
clerk turned into a ghoul," said Amelia. "And you didn't have
to use the Dynast Bras spell, Zelgadis."
"Better too powerful an
attack than not powerful enough." Zelgadis countered.
"In any event, I'm
afraid you won't find any books on ancient magic here." Said the
Commodore. "Right now, we need to worry about survival instead of
breaking curses."
Zelgadis conceded the
point.
"There's the dress-maker's shop." The Commodore pointed. "Do you think Ayeka will be in there?"
"I'd bet the bank on
it!" answered Tenchi, racing up the steps to the door.
Tenchi burst into the
shop, but screeched to a halt at the amazing scene in front of him. A
young woman with a tousled mane of cyan-colored hair was trying on a
sky-blue gown, helped by another young woman with violet hair in two
long ponytails. The second woman looked up.
"Hello,
Lord Tenchi. How do you like the fit on Ryoko?" She noticed
Tenchi's expression. "Is something wrong?"
"Ryoko
-- Ayeka -- you're cooperating! The end of the world really is
at hand!"
"Well,
the salesgirl turned into an attack cyborg, and I had to blast her."
Ryoko waved her hand at a body sprawled behind a rack.
"And
then I thought it would be a shame for Ryoko not to get a more
tasteful outfit, so I offered to help her pick one." Ayeka added.
"Are
you saying there's something wrong with my clothes, Ayeka?"
demanded Ryoko.
"Why,
no," replied Ayeka, "your usual clothes are quite suitable for
dodging work and harassing Lord Tenchi."
"And
your usual clothes are fine for sitting around being stuck-up!"
retorted Ryoko.
"Apparently
the end of the world is not quite yet." The Commodore cut in.
"Everyone, this is Ryoko, genetically engineered former space
pirate, and this is Princess Ayeka, Sasami's sister."
"Then
why isn't her hair blue?" Amelia asked.
"That's
a long story," said the Commodore. "Right now it's time for a
short one." He hastily explained the situation. Ryoko and Ayeka
glanced at Tenchi, who nodded in confirmation. The two women each
transformed their outfits, Ryoko converting to a red and gray
bodysuit, and Ayeka to battle armor, complete with war stripes on her
face.
"Right,"
said Lina, having learned to take unusual things in stride. "Now
that we have everyone, let's get to the station you keep talking
about."
"Actually,
there is one more person to pick up." said the Commodore. "Lina,
you remember your first traveling partner?"
Lina
lost her composure for a moment. "Oh gods ... not Naga?"
"The
tavern is on the next block." The Commodore led the way.
