So, this is an idea that hit me from a combination of me wondering about what kind of situation could make Schuyler have a change of heart about pushing Starr away, and thinking about Cole's semi violent freak-outs on 3-2-09 and after the dance. Now, for the record, I would like to stress now that even if it might seem that way at a point or two during the fic, I have no intentions of making Cole a villain or anything, because while I'm not exactly a fan of his, I do think that'd be a disservice to the character. He's just a really messed up kid who's often high, which is not the best combination, suffice to say. I intend to take him down a path I'd like to see him go down on the show, though, so I promise I won't make him all one dimensional or anything!
Oh, some pre-info for this fic: Schuyler got his job back after a strict warning never to be alone with Starr again. Cole isn't in jail or rehab after the accident; the sentence he got at the hearing was that he had to go to rehab meetings weekly and do the pee testing, but he's an outpatient, he doesn't have to stay at a center. And Schuyler has already pushed Starr away at the beginning of the fic, the details of what he did exactly are mentioned throughout.
As far as the timeline goes, I had to mess with it a bit to fit my purposes, so here's a quick summary: Sometime after the night we saw Stacy agree to pretend to still be Schuyler's girlfriend on the show, Starr shows up at his place, and that's when the pushing her away incident happens. A week, maybe a little more, passes, and that's when the court scene with Cole and Starr and the custody trial happens- that was two days ago in the fic. Oh, and one more change; the Australian donor isn't pregnant, she came through as a match for Shane. You'll see why. Okay, finally, on with the fic!
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As his students began to file into his classroom, Schuyler anxiously drummed his fingers on the table, eagerly waiting for a glimpse at the girl who was constantly haunting his thoughts. It was sad, he knew it, but ever since he'd made the decision to push her away, that was all he had to look forward to- glimpses.
He wished he could say that he didn't regret what he'd done, but ever since that day she'd found out Stacy was living with him and Schuyler had let her believe she was his girlfriend, ever since that day when he had told her nothing would ever happen between them and that they'd only turned to each other out of desperation (all while selfishly hoping she would see the truth about how he felt in his eyes), ever since that day he'd insisted that Cole was who she really wanted, Schuyler was definitely living with regret.
Starr was a pure, innocent young girl who was one of his students. The last thing she needed in her life was somebody with as much baggage as him, someone who would only taint her goodness, someone that would make life so much more difficult for her; when Cole got clean, she'd be so much better off with him. But, therein lied the problem; Schuyler couldn't just forget her, let her go- in fact, if he was being completely honest, the thought of Cole touching her, kissing her, made him want to break things, made him feel the return of that swelling frustration that had a way of boiling over into anger, that he'd tried so hard to put behind him when he'd gotten past his own addiction. Maybe it made sense that it had returned, though; it seemed Starr was his new addiction. He couldn't stop constantly thinking about her, remembering that all too brief kiss, desperately wishing it could happen again despite knowing every logical reason why it couldn't; his defenses felt like they were being eroded bit by bit, and he was certain that if they ever kissed again, he wouldn't be able to let her go this time.
Starr was the only person who had ever truly understood him, that he'd felt connected to; after a lifetime of feeling like he was just drifting along aimlessly, Starr made him feel grounded, like he belonged somewhere…with somebody. He tried to tell himself he shouldn't feel that way, remind himself of her age, but it couldn't erase the very real, very solid things he felt for her. The distance had not decreased his want for her, just the opposite, and the pain of knowing he would never feel her lips on his again, never get to be with her, the only girl he had ever felt this way about, just got worse everytime they acted like strangers in this class.
Suddenly, Schuyler straightened up as he heard what he'd been waiting for; Langston's bright, perky voice, that always announced her and Starr's entrance before you could see them. The duo walked through the door a moment later, and Schuyler instantly drank in the sight of the girl that always made his heart pound when she appeared. Her head was down, her hair falling down around her like a curtain, hiding her face, but Schuyler could instantly tell something was wrong. It was not just her posture that alerted him, he could just somehow…feel that something was off- it was because of that connection between them, it had to be; sometimes he felt like he knew her better than he knew himself, and he was certain there was nothing she could hide from him.
Starr took her seat and glanced up at the board, but quickly averted her eyes when she saw him, her shoulders going tense; Schuyler felt a sharp pain. He was a selfish bastard for feeling this way when this was exactly what he'd wanted to happen, but Schuyler couldn't control how much he missed the days when she would smile when she saw him instead of react like it hurt.
He hated this distance between them so much, even if it was the right thing to do for her, and hell, for him too if he wanted to keep his job. But he hated knowing something was wrong with this person he cared more about than anyone in the world yet having no idea what; he knew Starr had been incredibly hurt when he'd coldly put on an act and told her she was nothing but another student to him, and she'd taken those words to heart- after their kiss, she had been forbidden from helping him with his master's assignment anymore, so this was the only place he saw her, and she never said a word to him anymore.
It killed him more than he could ever admit. He had just gotten so used to always knowing what was going on with her; he'd become the person Starr went to with all of her problems, and despite knowing that it was wrong, that he should direct her to someone else, and that he, a guy who inevitably destroyed every good thing in his life was the last person someone should come to for help fixing things, he'd loved being that for her. Now that he'd made sure he was nothing to her, now that he didn't know a thing, he couldn't keep himself from constantly worrying about her. Had she turned to anybody else, or was she just bottling everything up now?
"Okay, fun announcement, everybody," Schuyler announced with a smile once all his students were seated and silent. "I graded your papers last night!" There was a loud chorus of groans, and he chuckled. "What, that's not fun for you too? Sorry, my mistake."
He rose to his feet, grabbing the stack of papers on his desk to hand them out. As he walked to the first row of seats, Starr finally looked up from her desk, brushing her hair back behind her ears, and Schuyler suddenly froze in his place, his stomach twisting as his heart froze; with her hair out of the way, he could now clearly see the large, painful looking bruise along the side of her face.
Realizing he was just standing there, staring at the very student he'd been strictly warned about having contact with, Schuyler swallowed roughly, handing out the papers to the appropriate students even as his head pounded wildly with panic; Starr was hurt and he didn't know what had happened or if she was okay, and he had to somehow act like this didn't affect him, a feat that seemed completely impossible with the overwhelming worry he was experiencing right now.
He reached her row after what felt like an eternity and took a deep breath, desperately trying to seem casual as he spoke.
"Are you alright, Miss. Manning?" he asked calmly as he passed her paper over, speaking the same way as when he asked the rest of the students how their weekends had been. He hated talking to her like that, especially about this.
"I'm fine," she replied stiffly in a manner that instantly left him positive she wasn't. Her eyes remained planted on her shoes, and Schuyler desperately wished she would look at him. Already, he missed something as small as being able to look into her eyes; he was not going to survive this year.
Schuyler quickly finished his task and returned to his desk to begin the class, violently fighting with himself for control. This had to be hell, he was sure of it; seeing this girl that he lov…cared about, bruised, hurt, right in front of his eyes and not only not knowing what had happened but being unable to show his concern or worry had to be hell.
Schuyler proceeded to give what he was sure had to have been his most dull, flat lesson ever, barely able to tear his eyes off of Starr the entire time. Starr was the first person Schuyler had met in a long time that completely shared his love of science, and she was usually eager and attentive in his class, hanging off his every word and the first to raise her hand to answer or ask questions, but today, she remained silent and slouched over, appearing utterly blank for the rest of the period as she just stared at her desk, and Schuyler's anxiety grew worse with each passing second; she didn't seem upset, she seemed broken, and despite his vow to do the right thing and stay away, Schuyler felt the pressing need to first fix her, then break whoever had broken her in the first place.
After an agonizing hour passed, the bell finally rang and Schuyler emitted a near silent breath of relief, quickly telling the students their homework assignment and sending them on their way.
"Miss Manning, could you remain behind for a moment?" he called with a false calmness as she started to leave. "I need to ask you a few questions about your paper."
Starr looked momentarily confused, likely wondering what he could need to ask about a paper he'd given an A, but took her seat. Langston and Markko glanced at her, and she nodded to tell them to go ahead without her.
Schuyler stood as his students filed out of the room, hovering by the doorway for a moment, and as soon as they were all gone, he quickly glanced into the hall and shut the door, all thoughts about how he was supposed to avoid being seen doing exactly this flying from his mind. Starr glanced at him with a frown as Schuyler quickly walked back to her, swinging his leg over the chair in front of her desk, sitting so he was facing her.
"Starr, what happened?" he asked immediately, a sense of urgency to his tone. She stared at him for a moment, unmoving, a look of utter disbelief in her eyes, then suddenly scowled.
"I thought this was about my paper."
"Your paper was great, best in the class, what else is new? What happened to you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she snapped, closing her book with a loud slam, grabbing her backpack to gather her things. Schuyler slowly blinked, momentarily surprised into silence; he'd thought he'd seen every side there was to Starr, but he'd never seen her so angry before or…dark. Even when she was upset, she always had this…light about her, but it seemed as though it had been snuffed out.
"Starr, you're hurt, I can't ignore that. Did somebody do this to you?" he asked in a low voice, struggling to remain calm even though the mere idea of somebody hitting Starr had him digging his nails into his palm until it was painful.
"What?" she cried, eyes wide, before furrowing her brow and shaking her head. "God, no, are you insane? I had an accident in gym class."
"What accident?" he asked immediately. Starr paused and stammered for a moment, just like he'd known she would.
"I, uh- we were playing volleyball, a girl on the other team spiked it and I got hit in the face."
"So, if I talk to your gym teacher, she's gonna tell me that's what happened?"
"Why would you talk to my gym teacher?! And I don't know if she saw it happen!"
"If it was bad enough to do that, I don't see how she couldn't have. You're lying to me, Starr; why? Since when have you ever hidden anything from me?"
'Since you made it clear you weren't interested in listening anymore, Starr thought to herself sarcastically.
"Are you trying to protect someone? Did your dad do this?" he spat, Todd instantly coming to mind as someone Starr would look out for even at the expense of her own safety. "I know I said I understood wanting to protect your parent, but I didn't-"
"No! Nobody did this to me, it was an accident!" she all but shrieked. "And this is none of your business anyway."
"How can it not be?" he asked in a low voice, furrowing his brow. Starr just shook her head, lips pursed tightly. "Starr, don't put yourself in danger because you're mad at me," Schuyler said, almost pleading. She cocked an eyebrow.
"As in, I wouldn't be in 'danger' if I told you whatever was going on? Because you'd rush in to save me or something?" Starr asked with a snort, her cynical tone sounding strange and foreign. Schuyler stared at her quietly for a moment, and then without even thinking, nodded.
"Yes. That's exactly what I'd do." She seemed to find his answer ridiculous, but he knew it was true; there was nothing he wouldn't do for Starr; he'd already proven that by destroying his own heart when he'd pushed her out of his life the way he had. If she needed saving, unbelievable as that idea would have seemed to him prior to this day considering how strong and self-reliant she was, he'd do it, no questions asked.
"Well, then, good thing there's nothing to save me from, right? Because I'm pretty sure getting involved would cause you to lose your job, and that's the last thing we want, right? I've already been enough of a problem for you."
"Starr, I-
"Shouldn't you be getting home, Mr. Joplin?" He flinched. That name never sounded right coming from her. "I'm sure Stacy's waiting for you," she snapped, shoving her chair back violently and rising to her feet.
"Starr, please, just give me a minute to-"
"No!" she shouted, actually clamping her hands over her ears for a moment.
Schuyler truly didn't understand how much pain this was causing her, how difficult he was making this for her. She had fallen completely and utterly in love with him even as her brain screamed at her not to; Langston could try to convince her Schuyler was just her way of acting out, but Starr knew better, and she knew what she felt was real. She had trusted him, more than anyone in the world, to never hurt her, only to have him rip out her heart and stomp on it.
That wasn't even the worst part. She could have handled it if he just didn't have feelings for her, she would have been perfectly happy to keep him as her friend, but he wanted absolutely nothing to do with her at all. He had called her a "problem" for him because of all the trouble she'd caused by kissing him. Worse yet, he'd made a mockery of the connection she knew they'd had, insisting it only formed out of loneliness and desperation on their parts, that they never would have been anything but student and teacher if it weren't for the coincidence of his mom being her doctor. He'd actually said she had a little crush on him and it was nothing more, that Cole was who she really wanted. It was like he'd been reading from some script Langston had written him. Why did the two of them think they knew her own heart better than she did?
But now, here he was, acting as caring and understanding as he always had before that horrible day, seeming like the guy she'd fallen for in the first place, acting like he truly wanted to help her, and it was killing her, because this had to be pity. She didn't want pity from him of all people, and that was obviously what this was- why would he care otherwise?
"You don't get to decide when things can get personal with us and when they can't, that's not how it works! It's one way or the other, and you chose this way."
Starr knew very well how immature and petty she sounded, but she didn't have the energy or strength to care right now; her life had been hell the past few days, even moreso than usual, and she'd been dealing with it all alone, and she was tired, and for once, she wanted to be selfish, without concern for everybody else's feelings.
"I am not your friend, you made that perfectly clear, so you don't get to ask about things that happen outside of this classroom, and you don't get to call me anything but Miss. Manning."
"Wait, Starr," he called out to her as her hand touched the door, rising to his feet as well. She stiffened but stopped, tensely waiting for him to speak further.
At that moment, Schuyler nearly broke and told her everything; he almost told her that he hadn't meant a word of what he'd said, that far from wanting her to be nothing but his student, he wanted her to be his everything, that she was right and there was something between them, and most of all, that he was just so sorry, both for whatever had happened to her, and for what he'd done, that had left her feeling like she couldn't come to him.
Unfortunately, Schuyler's logical side chose this, the worst possible moment, to kick in and start screaming at him, overwhelming every other thought he'd just had. He couldn't do this to her, complicate her life and mess with her head any further; he would do whatever it took to figure out what had happened and help her, but he had to do it from a distance. Starr needed to believe that she was nothing but another student to him, it was the only way for her to get past this and be with someone better for her. Once Cole got clean and healed from the wounds that had pushed him to drugs in the first place, that was who she belonged with, and despite the bond the two of them shared, Schuyler knew that Cole was who Starr really wanted, rough as that fact might be to swallow.
So, Schuyler simply took a deep breath and bowed his head without saying a word, never seeing the flicker of disappointment in Starr's eyes before she flung the door open and stormed out.
